The Producers: God, did you see how TVD ended?
The Writers: I know, right! It’s bad enough that we have to follow their Plot: Thickening without so much as a commercial break, but now we have follow Damon/Rebekah hatesex? We’re screwed!
The Producers: What are we going to do? What could we do to compete with that?
Phoebe Tonkin: G’day, mates!
Chris Zylka: Sup, guys!
The Producers: …
The Writers: …
Phoebe Tonkin and Chris Zylka: What?
Cassie Blake: Blah blah blah earth-shaking magic, blah blah blah psychic mumbo-jumbo, I think my Daddy is coming back to either save us from the Witch Hunters or murder us and eat our souls or both!
Diana Meade: Great! Say, Valentine’s day is a bit rough for me this year, since you stole my boyfriend and all … wanna come over to my house and do shots with me until I forget all about it?
Cassie Blake: Boy do I!
Melissa Glaser: I hate Valentine’s day! Being alone sucks!
Faye Chamberlain: Right? Kind of like how I slept with Jake last night, and did all of those naughty things guys never think a girl will actually do, and then I did even naughtier things that he’d never even heard of, and then I gave him a quickie when we woke up, and then I left him all alone in his bed, no small talk, no cuddling, no emotional attachment at all! I bet he’s devastated right now!
Melissa Glaser: Yep, You sure won that little exchange. I don’t know how he’s going to recover.
Faye Chamberlain: Exactly! So who wants to have a horror movie marathon at my place tonight, and watch some hearts literally getting ripped out of people’s chests?
Cassie Blake: Oh, I do!
Diana Meade: Me, too!
Faye Chamberlain: …As long as you don’t talk about Adam. Jesus, I am so sick of hearing about Adam.
The Audience: …Can she hear us? Because that’s kind of creepy.
Cassie Blake: Okay, I have to go get my textbook! I’ll see you guys in class!
Diana Meade: …
Melissa Glaser: …
Faye Chamberlain: …
Cassie Blake, Diana Meade, Melissa Glaser, and Faye Chamberlain: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! We should go out! Like on a date! Because of our amazing chemistry together!
Cassie Blake: Checks the script.Yes. Yes we should. Because of all the chemistry. The chemistry that we share. Yes.
Micky the Murder Monk: Hi Cassie! You can’t see me because I’m a ghost or invisible or whatever, but… BOO!
The Lady of the Manor: Dude’s gonna get hit by a car if he keeps standing there.
Lee LaBeque: Hi Faye! Sorry I never made you an all-powerful witch, but I brought you a voodoo stick! Just put it in your bed and you’ll wake up feeling full of power!
Faye Chamberlain: Yeah, sorry, but Jake already gave me his voodoo stick, and this time I didn’t even wake up with a rash.
Chris Argent: Hi Jake! I’m here for a heart to heart!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! You lied about my parents, and your friends are responsible for my parent’s deaths! To that regard: facepunch!
Chris Argent: But Jake! John Blackwell orchestrated the whole thing! He knew the Circle was going to recant their magic, and decided to slaughter them all in order to steal their power!
Jake Armstrong: That’s a great story! I think I’m going to murder you a little now!
Chris Argent: Or, you could bring me the Mayhem Medallion. You know, because I’ve been so trustworthy in the past.
Jake Armstrong: …Okay!
Micky the Murder Monk: Hi Cassie! I’m visible now! Boo!
Cassie Blake: Screams, runs, has great cardio.
Thomas: Honey? You can murder people with your brain. Running should not be your first instinct.
Adam Conant: Cassie! What’s wrong?
Cassie Blake: There’s a … guy … downstairs. Kind of … standing there. He’s wearing the same robes my father had on when the Witch Hunters tried to kill him!
Adam Conant: Wow, really? Who do you think it is?
Cassie Blake: …Dunno.
Adam Conant: Me, either.
Cassie Blake: We should go get pizza!
Adam Conant: I love pizza!
Cassie Blake: Me, too! It’s like we’re soul mates!
Diana Meade: Hi Faye! I brought all of my clothes over in case I have a wardrobe emergency! Also, I broke your magic voodoo stick!
Faye Chamberlain: That’s funny, because I broke Jake’s magic voodoo stick earlier this morning!
Melissa Glaser: Guys! Stop fighting! You should be cool and relaxed and mellow the way I am when I snort a line of this… herbal … supplement … thingie.
Diana Meade: Well, since that herbal supplement thingie doesn’t look exactly like a bag of coke, I’m in! Snort!
The Lady of the Manor: That’s Faye’s bedroom? Her mother is a high school principle.
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie! I’ve been looking into that symbol you saw on that dead guy’s robe! It’s the family crest of the Nadaros clan, and it means “we’re going to return from the grave, take over your boyfriend’s body, threaten various vague harms, and then go away impotently!”
Cassie Blake: Sounds thrilling!
Diana Meade: What do you want to do tonight!
Melissa Glaser: I don’t know, but let’s take off our pants!
Diana Meade: Okay! And then let’s cast a spell to get a pizza for free!
Faye Chamberlain: Seriously? I could do that by opening two or three buttons.
Thomas: Desperately wants a Damon/Faye crossover episode.
Diana Meade: Okay, better idea! Let’s summon the hottest guy imaginable, and then I’ll make out with him!
Lee LaBeque: Ladies? You called?
Faye Chamberlain: Stupid circle magic. Can’t open a locker, can’t turn Cassie into a frog, can’t summon a hot guy… so Lee, can you fix the-
Diana Meade: SMOOTCH!
Faye Chamberlain: Voodoo stick?
Diana Meade (via text message): Bitch hurry!
Cassie Blake: Well that’s-
The Murder Medallion: Don’t mind me, I’m just going to walk myself off the table and out that window over there for no reason at all and certainly not because there’s a pair of reincarnated slaughter sorcerers or anything!
Cassie Blake: -odd.
Lee LaBeque: So I can’t help but notice that your friends are hopped up on a mind-erasing devil drug…
Faye Chamberlain: Yeah yeah yeah, your precious girlfriend got a legerdemain lobotomy from your magic mushrooms, cry me a river. And then when your done airing out your precious feelings, can you fix the voodoo stick for me?
Lee LaBeque: Baby? I will make a my voodoo stick into a solid shaft any time you want.
Pauly the Pizza Guy: Hi guys, I’ve got a large-
Diana Meade: SMOOTCH!
Pauly the Pizza Guy: -Erection.
Cassie Blake: Ooookay, so I’m gonna-
Melissa Glaser: Do a line of coke because coke is awesome I love coke coke is my new best friend coke coke coke wheeee!
Cassie Blake: This is going to be a long, long night.
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! I can’t help but wonder at the fact that a bunch of dead witches are haunting Chance Harbor in general, and my little blond love bug in particular! Any chance killing you would fix this problem?
Chris Argent: Nope! You see, John Blackwell murdered the Nadaros clan, and like a bajillion other witches, and once she activated his Murder Medallion, it started drawing their damned souls toward her!
Jake Armstrong: You’re sure killing you wont fix this problem? Because I’d really like to kill you.
Cassie Blake: And then … I walked downstairs, each step creaking like the bones of a hanged criminal, and then … I found myself in a room as dark as a murderer’s soul, and then … I saw a ghost! And it wasn’t just any ghost! It was a ghost … with bad fashion sense!
Faye Chamberlain: Ooh, I love scary stories! Let me tell one! Once upon a time there was this really hot girl, so hot that everyone in the school either wanted to be her, or be with her, or both! But then one day a little blonde troll showed up, and everyone started fawning over her for no reason at all! And the hot girl was sad and lonely, and she sought ways to be the center of attention again! But the writers saddled her with a lame voodoo drug plot, and a lame voodoo priest love interest! But then she slept with the hottest guy on the show, and it looked like everything was turning around! But then … the lame ass voodoo priest came back to haunt her character arc once more!
Diana Meade: Yeah, I like Cassie’s story better.
Melissa Glaser: Me, too.
Faye Chamberlain: Oh you can all go to hell.
Cassie Blake: Hey, do you guys want to use a devil board and my father’s Murder Medallion to contact the evil spirits that are probably trying to murder me?
Everyone Else: That’s a great idea!
The Ouija Board: Y o u a r e g o i n g t o d i e a s l o w a n d p a i n f u l d e a t h !
Faye Chamberlain: Wait, what did it say?
Cassie Blake: I think it said “You’re going to Des Moines, Iowa”!
Diana Meade: No, silly! It said “You’re going to seem low and plain!”
Faye Chamberlain: Guys? It clearly said “You should get a butch hair cut and wear clothes that hide your figure and also find a way to give all of your powers to a hot brunette not named Diana.” Right? Right?
Diana Meade: I want pizza!
Melissa Glaser: Coke? Who said coke? I’ve got your coke right here! Wheee!
Adam Conant (via text message): U OK 🙂
Cassie Blake (via text message): No 🙁
Adam Conant (via text message): Wanna come over? I’ll comfort u. W my penis. 🙂
Cassie Blake (via text message): …
Adam Conant (via text message): 8===D <- very very comforting
The Door: Ding dong!
Faye Chamberlain: Did you sluts order another hot pizza guy?
Thomas: Loves Faye.
Jake Armstrong: Hi Faye! No time for hatesex, I have to save a pixie from a ghost!
Melissa Glaser: You’re not a hot pizza guy! And the only ghosts around here are the ghosts of Adam’s virginity. Because Cassie is over driving a stake in it as we speak.
Faye Chamberlain: Technically, isn’t it Adam driving a stake into Cassie?
Jake Armstrong: …I need to brood right now, but I also have to rush over to prevent an apocalypse. Could you go me a favor and imagine me scowling at you for the next ten minutes or so? Thanks.
The Murder Medallion: Super Cassie choking jeep flipping night wrecking powers activate!
Cassie Blake: It’s okay! I didn’t hurt anything important! Just my head!
Adam Conant: Let’s see … rose petals, Celine Deon CD, enough candles to keep the Bennets busy for a month, oysters, chocolate covered strawberries, fresh sheets on the air mattress …
Jake Armstrong: Hi Adam! Cassie’s in imminent mortal danger again! Let’s go for a ride!
Adam Conant: … And a knife to ram into that cock-blocking son of a whoring Avon sales rep’s heart.
Cassie Blake: Hey look! A bunch of murderous hellghosts! I better run after them!
Adam Conant (on the phone): Hi Diana! I’m with Jake, and we’re both looking for Cassie!
Diana Meade (on the phone): No. You know what? Maybe she found a third boyfriend, or maybe she was eaten by the Ghost of Valentine’s Day Past, or maybe she turned into a black hole so the universe could literally revolve around her, but I don’t care. I have a hot pizza, a bag of coke, and a vibrator, and I am going to spend the rest of Valentine’s day the way God intended. Good day, sir. I said good day.
Faye Chamberlain: I love Melissa best!
Diana Meade: No I love Melissa best!
Faye Chamberlain: I love her infinity times a million!
Diana Meade: I love her infinity times a million plus one!
Melissa Glaser: Guys? Kind of ODing here, could use a little help.
Faye Chamberlain and Diana Meade: Shut up!
Adam Conant: Look, Cassie’s van is lying upside down in the road! Do you think the dead witches did this?
Jake Armstrong: ..No. I’m pretty sure a bunny ran out in front of her and she drove her jeep over that conveniently placed ramp to avoid it.
Adam Conant: Well that’s a relief!
Cassie Blake: Look! A bunch of creepy ghosts standing around a creepy building! It’s almost like they want me to go in there! And since ghosts are well-known masters of reverse psychology, that obviously means they’re trying to keep me out! Well the joke’s on you, ghosts! Because into that church I am headed!
Melissa Glaser: WHARF!
Faye Chamberlain: I can’t believe you did those drugs with her!
Melissa Glaser: WRETCH!
Diana Meade: I can’t believe you introduced them to her!
Melissa Glaser: PUKE!
Faye Chamberlain: Well I can’t believe you didn’t watch after her!
Melissa Glaser: BLARGH!
Diana Meade: Well I can’t believe you let her do them on an empty stomach!
Melissa Glaser: Kill me.
Cassie Blake: All right you ghosts! Hurry up and manifest so I can kick your non-corporeal asses!
The Ghosts of Witches Past: Actually, we need a body to inhabit before we can do anything to you.
Adam Conant: Hi, guys! …Why is everyone staring at me?
The Ghosts of Witches Past: No reason, we just want your tight little body.
Adam Conant: Why, I am aghast at the suggestion!
The Ghosts of Witches Past: Oh, no, not for anything dirty. We just want to possess you, murder your girlfriend, steal her power, and unleash hell on earth.
Adam Conant: That’s it! Stand back, or I shall inflict greivious harm on you with this three inch pocket knife!
Jake Armstrong: … I heard it was small, but three inches? Damn, bro.
The Lady of the Manor: Wait, he has a knife? He deserves to die.
Thomas: I have a knife. Lots of them.
The Lady of the Manor: You’re not trying to fight the disembodied spirits of a dozen dead witches.
Thomas: …Not that you know of.
Brian Cummings: LOL Look who brought a knife to an unlimited witch power gun fight! #AdamTooDumbToLive
The Lady of the Manor: RIGHT?
The Ghosts of Witches Past (via Adam Conant): Hi guys! Sorry about the smoker’s cough, but you wouldn’t believe how polluted the air is in hell. Anyway, we’d just love to get that medallion, and our reality-shaping powers, back, and if you don’t give it to us, we’ll cut this little twerp’s wrist right in front of you!
Thomas: Down the road, not across the street. Amateurs.
Jake Armstrong: So Cassie? That medallion contains the power of roughly a fuckton of dead witch’s powers, and if you give it to these Undertaker wannabes? Probably not going to be a good thing. Especially since it was your father that murdered them and stole their power, and their first order of business will be to take revenge on his progeny.
Cassie Blake: How do you know that?!?
Jake Armstrong: …Because I’ve been a witch hunter for the last five years? Because I have more occult knowledge than the rest of you combined? Because I have tea with Chris Argent every Saturday? Jesus, why does my knowing things still surprise you?
Cassie Blake: Whatever! Bored now! You’ve left me no choice but to crush the medallion with my bare hand!
The Ghosts of Witches Past (via Adam Conant): Curses! We knew we shouldn’t have purchased our all-powerful talisman at Hot Topic!
Adam Conant: Wow, if getting possessed and almost suicided by your girlfriend’s father’s enemies doesn’t get me laid, nothing will!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! I bought you the shards of the Murder Medallion! Cassie destroyed it with her … tiny little hand, actually,
Chris Argent: You fool! You have (vague hints and rumors about something bad coming blah blah blah)!
Jake Armstrong: I am so going to kill you. Right after I run to Arby’s for a Tastee Freeze!
Chris Argent: Your anger makes you weak, Jake. I can’t help you any more.
The Lady of the Manor: Much anger I sense in him. Strong, the dark side is.
Faye Chamberlain: Well, Melissa is still alive and Diana is taking care of her … let’s see what this voodoo stick can do!
Diana Meade: Faye, can you-
Faye Chamberlain: Don’t come in here!
Lee LaBeque: Let’s see … voodoo soul stick, dollop of Faye’s blood, girlfriend in a coma because of hoodoo hemp … tonight’s gonna be awesome!
Thomas: Would like to point out that he called the whole “don’t let anyone have your blood, particularly a voodoo priest” thing.
Melissa Glaser: I think Lee like you!
Faye Chamberlain: Yeah, no, I am done with guys.
Diana Meade: Woohoo!
Team Fayana: Yes!
Faye Chamberlain: …W. T. F.
Adam Conant: So Cassie, this is the Valentine’s day episode … wanna pretend to have some chemistry?
Cassie Blake: Yeah, I guess. Wooden smootch!
Adam Conant: Awkward response!
Cassie Blake: I’d rather be kissing Jake!
Adam Conant: Me, too!
Cassie Blake: Wait, what?
John Blackwell: Wow, this sure is a pretty ocean view! It almost makes me not want to end the world in an orgy of demonic violence! Almost!
The Plot: Thickens.
I love Jake and Faye. They’re hot, they have chemistry, they kinda hate each other and kinda love hate sex, neither of them really has the upper hand on the other … it’s pretty much perfect. I just can’t settle on my shipper name: Fake? Fayke? Jaye? I’m not sure yet.
I do have a confession to make, however. The Lady does not love them, because she doesn’t think Jake is particularly attractive. That makes me doubt myself, because she clearly has no taste in men, but she married me. Frownyface.
I’m glad the ship has sailed on Lee/Faye, and that Lee has (predictably) turned out to be a bad guy. For one, this means there’s a Faye-centric story coming up, and two, it’s going to be all kinds of fun watching Faye kick Lee’s scrawny, scruffy ass.
I’m glad the Murder Medallion is gone. I didn’t have a problem with it, per se, it’s just that destroying it hints at a TVD-style plot churn. I’m glad they had the balls to say “you know what? We don’t need this particular McGuffin, we have other stories to tell.”
Diana needs to get laid. I don’t care if it’s by the pizza guy or by Faye, but she needs to get her a little something something. I am glad that she finally vocalized how sick she is of everybody fawning over Cassie. Cassie suffers from Elena/Sookie syndrome … the center of everybody’s attention because that’s what the plot demands, and I’m glad there are people around to express the audience’s disbelief.
The whole voodoo slumber party was kind of fun, though … I could totally see magic-having teenagers using their mojo to get hot guys to kiss them. And Faye’s line about undoing a couple of buttons was, of course, awesome.
The Ghosts of Witches Past felt a little monster-of-the-week, but it did give us a bit of character/mythology development regarding John Blackwell. The Witch Hunters are still the bad guys, but now it’s also pretty apparent (if there was any doubt) that Blackwell is also a bad guy.
Of course, that raises the question of what he’s doing in Chance Harbor. I don’t know, but I bet is has nothing to do with stealing the Circle’s magic and obtaining unlimited power!
Adam and Cassie are inert elements. You put them together, apply heat, and … nothing happens. But as long as they keep giving me Fayke, I honestly don’t care.