Adam Conant: Hello tiny blond human, with whom I share no chemistry and toward whom I feel no sexual or romantic attraction whatsoever!
Cassie Blake: Wow, that elixir sure did a number, didn’t it?
Adam Conant: Elixer? What elixir? I’m just stating the obvious over here.
Melissa Glaser: That’s so tragic!
Faye Chamberlain: What’s tragic is how they tried to force that lame-ass love triangle on us.
Adam Conant: Hi girls! Would you like to perform menial service for paltry sums of cash!
Faye Chamberlain: Well, I am cheap, so …
Samuel: Run run run run run run run!
The Wicked Witch Hunters of the West: Hey boss, should we go after the guy who knows all the intimate details of our plan, has moral reservations about them, and is headed directly toward the people we’re trying to murder?
Eben: Nah. Murder’s always more fun if you have to work for it.
John Blackwell: Hi Cassie! So, did you tell your ex-lover that the Magic Mind Whip didn’t work on you and that you still totally want to bang him?
Cassie Blake: Okay, first, ew. Second, omgsoembarrassing!
John Blackwell: Is that … twitting speak? Did you just twat at me?
Cassie Blake: …Please leave.
Adam Conant: Hi Diana! That dude over there said he wanted you to gobble his flute!
Diana Meade: …Do you mean “drink fake champaign from a flute?”
Adam Conant: Hey Diana! Now that I no longer spend every waking second imagining how to get into Cassie’s Hello Kitties, guess who gets to be the object of my stalkerish obsession! Points at his eyes. Points at grant.
Samuel: Hi Jake! I –
Jake Armstrong: Okay, I am really sick of people just walking into my room uninvited. Fisticuffs!
Cassie Blake (from across the street): Why that’s odd! Jake appears to be involved in a physical altercation! And since we have a decent effects budget this episode, I’d better help him out with my brain! “Attacking my other boyfriend takes a lot of gall, so smash that loser into Jake’s wall!”
Samuel: Guys guys guys! I’m not here to kill you! I’m here to tell you about my boss, who is trying to kill you!
The Lady of the Manor: Jake has no friends. Only fremenies. Poor Jake.
Smarmy McDickface: Guys! We’re good at sports! And women are bringing us food! This is good!
Faye Chamberlain: Wow what a loser.
Melissa Glaser: Well I find his medieval views on sexual politics charming!
Faye Chamberlain: Did I say loser I meant lover what a lover he must be mine here look at my boobs!
The Lady of the Manor: Faye is freaking adorable, you guys. Adorable.
Melissa Glaser: Hey Adam? Wanna use our magic in a fun and non-murderous manner for a change?
Adam Conant: Eh, whatev.
Adam Conant and Melissa Glaser: “I’ll convince this guy to really rock me, with my magic knowledge of hockey!”
Diana Meade: Hi Grant! It’s so awesome to know a guy who’s nice and normal and rich and honest honest is real important honesty is a real turn on and in related news dishonesty locks me up tighter than an altar boy at a NAMBLA convention!
John Blackwell: Hi Cassie! Hi Jake! Where’s the guy I’m going to torture?
Samuel: Wait, what? You haven’t even asked me any questions yet!
John Blackwell: Yeah, no, I don’t particularly need information from you. I just really like hurting people.
Samuel: Demons! Black magic! Lovecraftian horror!
John Blackwell: Yeah, whatever. Bitchslap!
Samuel: He said he learned the spell from you!
John Blackwell: Okay, that’s –
Cassie Blake: No wait, I want to hear this part.
The Lady of the Manor: Well shit, John Blackwell. Sexier and sexier.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Adam! If you help me flirt with Smarmy McDickface, I’ll … well, I won’t do anything for you, really, since the very thought of touching you makes me want to cut myself.
Adam Conant: Okay!
Adam Conant and Faye Chamberlain: “I’d love to sleep with this hot guy, so I’ll shoot a magic dart bull’s eye!”
Cassie Blake: So, about this whole going Aztec to summon Cthulhu thing?
John Blackwell: Cassie Cassie Cassie … I don’t have to sacrifice people to summon the Eldritch Things from the Deep Terror. Being the Spawn of the Great Unholy One is enough. But you’ll figure that out in a few episodes, I’m sure. Anyway, let’s go kick Eben’s ass and send his demons back to hell.
Cassie Blake: But you don’t have any magic!
John Blackwell: …Right. Right you are. No magic. Not a drop of pixie dust anywhere on me. No siree, no spells, no rituals, no incantations. Nope.
Cassie Blake: So I should get the Circle together!
John Blackwell: Yeah, sure, that’ll work.
Smarmy McDickface and Blondie Von Cocktease: Smootch!
Melissa Glaser: Gag!
Adam Conant: Hi, Blondie! I thought you’d like to know that … aw, fuck it. Facepunch!
Faye Chamberlain: So, taking the whole breakup well, are we?
Melissa Glaser: Faye, be sensitive! Losing love is the worst thing that could happen! Even if the spell that took love away was also supposed to take away the memory of being in love! Why, if I had a chance to reunite with my one true
semi-abusive boyfriend love, I’d jump at the chance! Even if he had turned evil and started working with witch hunters and was trying to kill us! Tee hee!
The Lady of the Manor: I think Adam’s gonna cry.
Cassie Blake (on the phone): Hi guys! Don’t mean to interrupt, but another mind-shattering horror is about to be unleashed, and we’re the only thing standing between reality and the unspeakable terrors of the black abyss! Also, can someone bring snacks? I’m kinda hungry.
Diana Meade: Hi Grant! I’m here to see your boat! And by your boat, I mean your penis!
Billy Ballbuster: Your boat? Grant, did you tell another innocent young girl that your rich father gave you a magic yacht laden with passion fruit and unicorns again?
Diana Meade: There’s a unicorn?!?
Billy Ballbuster: …No. No, there is no unicorn.
Samuel: Hey, John? Is it supposed to feel like my soul is being devoured by the fell creature that is forcing its way into my body from the shadow realm?
John Blackwell: You tried Cassie’s cooking, didn’t you?
Cassie Blake: Hi Diana!
Diana Meade: Hi you arrogant blond whore! Steal any more boys lately? Unleashed any unspeakable evil? Made anyone’s dad forget they exist?
Cassie Blake: …Bad day?
Diana Meade: Bad day.
Cassie Blake: Hi guys! So who’s ready for another episode of Cassie’s Fucked Up Family? Anyone? Anyone at all?
John Blackwell: Okay Samuel, you just stay there while I draw this circle around you, carve a bunch of symbols into the earth, and chant menacingly over the whole operation.
Samuel: Um, what exactly are you doing?
John Blackwell: Oh, nothing, nothing at all. You just have a nice little dirt nap.
John Blackwell: So, good news: I know a spell that will draw the demon out of you!
John Blackwell: Bad news: it will reduce you to a vaguely human-shaped cinder, after several minutes of incomprehensible pain.
Samuel: That’s less than ideal!
Eben: Hi John! I just wanted to reaffirm my commitment to witch genocide. And, you know, kick your ass with my magic hypocrisy. “Make John Blackwell hurt real good, and throw him through that wall of wood!”
John Blackwell: Ow! We’re in the middle of nowhere! Why did someone leave a random collection of boards sticking out of the ground! That doesn’t even make any sense!
Eben: “Fill my black heart with glee, magic set these demons free!”
Jake Armstrong: Hold on, let me smudge this containment circle, which I somehow know nothing about, with my foot!
Samuel: Thanks, bro! Super demonic ass kicking powers activate!
Adam Conant: Guys, repeat after me: “This demon won’t slip through the cracks, when we make him stop in his tracks!”
Cassie Blake: Yeah, this is boring. “Darkness in me, this does bode, when I make his head explode!”
Samuel: Honey pie? I’m a literal demon, from a literal hell. I eat brimstone and poop lava. Your little magic trick isn’t going to –
John Blackwell: “Everything will be nice and calm, because of the scar that’s on my palm!”
John Blackwell: “That turns demon blood into napalm!”
Eben: Aaaaaaand I’m out.
Cassie Blake: So, about this whole “I don’t have magic” thing …
John Blackwell: Yeah, I got a … sudden influx of power … from the alignment of Venus and … Uranus and … shut the fuck up, okay?
John Blackwell: Well! That went rather well I think! I mean, we’re all still alive!
Jake Armstrong: Except for Samuel. And my brother. And everyone’s parents.
John Blackwell: The witch hunters have hounded us for centuries! Inventing reasons to hate us!
Faye Chamberlain: You mean like “summoning demon for the damned places and unleashing them on an unsuspecting world”?
John Blackwell: And I thought that I could reason with them, and make them see that we aren’t there enemies!
Melissa Glaser: So that whole thing where you blew them up with your amulet was a wacky teenage prank?
John Blackwell: But it’s time we take a stand! A stand for tolerance! A stand for religious liberty!
Cassie Blake: A stand for unaccountable power and consequence-free manipulation of the laws governing the universe?
John Blackwell: It’s time we tell the witch hunters that we will no longer play the helpless victim!
Adam Conant: I think they got that when you blew one of them up with your brain, which happened right after Cassie’s mind-based flamethrower proved slightly less destructive than necessary.
John Blackwell: It’s time we fight for all witch kind!
Diana Meade: I can’t believe I wore my good underwear for that Australian asshole.
Diana Meade: Hi Grant! Nothing personal, but in my experience people who lie about what they are inevitably end up possessed by an unnamed abomination that then tries to eat my face off, so I don’t think we should be friends anymore!
Grant: But I have dimples!
Diana Meade: Okay, you win. Panties.
Adam Conant: Hey, is it cool if I use your father’s rousing speech as a metaphor for us getting together sexually?
Cassie Blake: It sure is!
John Blackwell: No where did I leave that human sacrifice I did sixteen years ago …?
The Plot: Thickens.
This was a really, really good episode, you guys. This season has been kind of hit-or-miss, but the last three weeks? Amazing. I really hope this show gets picked up for a second season, because TSC has gone from “that show that’s on after Vampire Diaries” to a show that I’m genuinely excited to watch. It took a while to get there, but I think this show has found its feet.
In the B-plot, I love that Adam, Melissa, and Faye were just having fun with their magic, something that this show has been missing. This was another great example of what teenagers with magic powers would be doing. Of course they’re going to use magic to hit on hot guys! Hell, Adam’s probably working on a way to scry into the girl’s locker room.
I liked Adam’s gum-chewing, hair-trigger withdrawal act, too. Thomas Decker is another actor who isn’t served by the character they’ve been given, and it’s nice to see him with something meaty to sink his teeth into.
Melissa’s expression when Smarmy McDickface kissed his girlfriend? Priceless. And the way she talked about “missing love being the worst part?” Well, let’s just say I’m pretty sure that’s a setup for something big in the next episode.
Poor Diana, romancing a hearthrob that turns out to be a total knob. Her love life really is a disaster. Is this the kind of thing that’s going to push tightly-wound, straight-laced Diana over the edge and into the dark side? Well, no, probably not. BUT A GUY CAN HOPE.
I hate the fact that she’s giving Grant a second chance. particularly because of what the guy on the docks said. Grant’s protests to the contrary, this is not the first time he’s lied to a girl to get into her jammies. My only hope is that she gives him magic herpies when she finds out what a scumbag he is. Again.
And then there’s the meat of the episode. God, I really love the Blackwell plot right now. John is finally revealing himself to be the badass we all expected to see in Return, and Cassie definitely didn’t fall far from his poisonous tree. I loved watching Cassie try to fry a guy with her brain, and then watching her daddy make the guy freaking explode when she couldn’t quite pull it off.
And his speech at the end? It got me excited, because I think it signifies that this show is about to switch gears and enter ass kick mode.