Producer: Okay, Boring Vampire…
Paul Wesley: …Jerk.
Producer: What was that? Oh, never mind, your opinion is kind of irrelevant anyway. So, Boring Vampire, why don’t you stroke Nina’s hair. Yeah, pretend it’s Evil Vampire’s. Whatever. Now, Evil Vampire…
Ian Somerhalder: What, should I lick her again?
Producer: No, good idea, because it was mine, but we’ve done that already. Instead, why don’t you grab her throat, like you’re going to throttle the life out of her. Sweet. Now, Elena, try to look…
Producer: Never mind, you seem to have it under control.
Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, I think my boyfriend is a blood sucking monster. former cheerleader confrontation powers activate!
Flashback! Stefan is dressed all funny, and the cars have been replaced by these odd, horse-drawn things. We’re back in the 1800’s! Also: Katherine!
Stefan Salvatore: makes doe eyes.
Flash forward!: We’re back in the Aught Nines!
Elena Gilbert: So, Stefan, anything you want to tell me about? Like, how did you do on the chemistry test, how’s football going, oh, and are you a freaking vampire?
Stefan Salvatore: Everything you know, and every belief you have, is about to change. Are you ready or that?
Thomas: thinks that’s one of the coolest premises for a story, ever. Vampires or no.
Stefan Salvatore: So, yeah, vampire.
Elena Gilbert: Okay then. Well, time to be going! runs away
Stefan Salvatore: does that horror movie thing where the Survivor Girl is running away, but suddenly the Monster is Right There OMG! This is guaranteed to sooth Elena’s nerves.
Stefan Salvatore: suddenly appears in Elena’s bedroom. He’s apparently taken a couple of correspondence courses from the Edward Cullen School of Creepy Courtship.
Damon Salvatore: finishes draining one of the Generic Stoners from last episode, and drops the body on the ground. Then into the fire. There are plenty of other bodies scattered around, too. Damon was hungry.
Damon Salvatore: (on one of Generic Stoner’s cell phones) So, Stefan, about that ring you stole…
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I gave it to “Uncle” Zach to hide. Too bad you killed him.
Damon Salvatore: Give me my ring or I eat Elena.
Stefan Salvatore: I kill you!
Damon Salvatore: I kill you!
Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Then how will you get your ring back?
Damon Salvatore: …Dick.
Elena Gilbert: So, I’ve asked you to this sunny, public place so you can explain yourself. And also, not eat me.
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, So, vampire. I can eat food, religious artifacts are nothing but decorations, I have a reflections (see: my awesome hair), I have this sweet ring that keeps me from combusting in the sun, and I eat bunny rabbits to stay alive. Damon eats teenagers, which is why he’s stronger than me.
Damon Salvatore: Ooookay then.
Sheriff Forbes and Logan Fell: examine the bodies Damon “hid” by burning slightly. At covering his tracks, an expert he is not.
Damon Salvatore: Man, being stuck inside all day sucks, and the chick I ate last night isn’t talking due to the loss of blood. Maybe if I heal her with my vampire blood, she can run out and rent a movie or something.
Elena Gilbert: So, here we are, in the middle of nowhere. Please don’t eat me.
Stefan Salvatore: Relax, I just want to show you my old home.
Elena Gilbert: But, there are just ruins. How old are you?
Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been seventeen…
Thomas: If you say “for a while,” we are officially done.
Stefan Salvatore: …Since1864.
Thomas: …I’ll let that pass.
Flashback! Damon’s wearing a derby, and the pre-vampire brothers are playing Rugby. Katherine asks to join in. She steals their ball, and goes running off.
Damon Salvatore: Dude, she totally wants you to chase her! What’s your problem? Don’t you like girls?
Stefan Salvatore: What? Of course I do! He meant nothing! We were just wrestling!
Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>
Vicki Donovan: You know what? I’ve decided that it’s totally cool the way you killed all my friends, and almost killed me. Also, your blood it sweet. Gimme gimme?
Damon Salvatore: fangs!
Stefan Salvatore: So, long story short, Kat did me, then my brother, then she turned out to be a vampire. Then she mind whammied me. Shenanigans ensued, and here we are.
Elena Gilbert: …Please don’t eat me.
The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Uses the stolen Gilbert watch, and a handful of other trinkets, to assemble… something. My money’s on “Vampire Seeking Compass.”
Damon Salvatore and Vicki Donovan: Have a dance party, and trash the boarding house. Also, they take a moment out to indulge in some product placement, but since it’s an iMac, I’ll let it slide.
Vicki Donovan: tells Damon about her messed up family.
Damon Salvatore: Wow, that’s… pathetic. You know what could help that? Death. snaps her freaking neck!
Thomas: Okay, that, I did not see coming.
Vicki Donovan: Ow, why does my neck hurt?
Damon Salvatore: I gave you my blood, then I killed you, now you need to eat someone, and you can be a vampire like me. Yay! Hey, you know who would be a good meal? Elena’s brother. Tell everyone I said “hi!”
Vicki Donovan: Is freaking out, and about to eat someone.
Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>
Stefan Salvatore: Take her up to bed. She’s going to be fine. You know, except for the part where she’s dead.
Logan Fell: Wanders through the dark woods and the Menacing fog of Menace with his Vampire Seeking Compass.
Thomas: totally called that one.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, can I come in? Wait, of course I can, you already invited me. Wow you’re scared, guess Stefan finally fessed up. Speaking of, where is that little ring stealing douche?
Elena Gilbert: Out looking for the girl you sort of killed.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t judge.
Vicki Donovan: Boo hoo, I’m dying. Or about to become immortal. I’m not clear on that yet.
Stefan Salvatore: Here, let me take you home.
Logan Fell: shoots Stefan with his wooden bullets, and goes to stake him.
Vicki Donovan: No!
Damon Salvatore: fangs!
Vicki Donovan: fangs!
Sheriff Forbes: Huh. Maybe splitting up wasn’t such a hot idea, after all.
Elena Gilbert: So, this whole vampire thing is hot and all, and almost getting eaten by your brother is fun, but I think we should see other people.
Stefan Salvatore: sadface
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: sadface