The Producers: Last week was fantastic! Salvatore skin! Flamethrowers! Fanservice! There’s just one thing… Team Elijah is getting a bit… restless.
The Writers: Hmm…
The Producers: Also, those heart rips are really popular…
The Writers: So… Elijah, heart rips… I think we have an idea…
Brady the Were-Douche: Found another one! This one had his spleen removed through his nostriles!
Jules: Well that’s special. Anyway, toss him on the
camp fire funereal pyre with the rest of them.
Stevie the Were-Pup: Hey, you know how Mason was banging that hot vampire chick? And how he was looking for the Moon Rock? And how there’s a really old vampire with a really powerful witch that seems way less lame now that he can cast Inflict Pain as a field effect? Well, when you put that all together…
Jules: You mean… they’re trying to use a Lame Ass Ritual to break the Lame Ass Curse!
Brady the Were-Douche: No way! It’s our turn to be
murdered by a vampire perform a Lame Ass Ritual!
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Stefan! Slumber parties are great and it was the best idea you ever had and Caroline is totally over the whole torture thing now and I was thinking if sharing a bed can magically make all of your problems go away we should have a slumber party because we have a lot of problems like an uncle who’s also my daddy but in a weird “I’m not going to tell them” kind of a way and not in an “I’m going to knock up my sister” kind of way and I don’t want to deal with any of that so let’s go camping yay!
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, you all slept in the same bed?
Andie Star: Thanks for the sexy times, Damon! And thanks for not killing me! I’ve got to go interview Elijah Smith.
Damon Salvatore: Lamest. Pseudonym. Ever. Anyway… loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>
Andie Star: Oh and by the way you didn’t bite me and you didn’t drink my blood and I think I’m in love with you!
Alaric Saltzman: I’m in this episode!
Damon Salvatore: That’s my new girlfriend! Andie Star, Action News!
Alaric Saltzman: It’s… not called Action News.
Damon Salvatore: I know, I just like saying it! Anyway, Uncle John Gilbert gave me this Dagger of Vampire Death and this White Oak Dust of Woe and it’s supposed to kill Elijah. Legit: Y/N?
Alaric Saltzman: Beats me. My vampire ex-wife was the brains of the outfit. I’m just the guy who builds pneumatic stake launchers. Anyway, don’t go killing Elijah at the tea party, okay?
Damon Salvatore: Please! Like I’d kill him before I tortured the truth out of him. It’s like you people don’t trust me or something.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie! So tell me about your big plan to find out what Elijah’s up to!
Bonnie Bennet: I’m going to kidnap Luka and brain-rape him!
Caroline Forbes: That sounds like fun! Oh, hi Matt!
Matt Donovan: Eff you, Caroline!
Caroline Forbes: D-:
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Jules! Weren’t you supposed to get the eff out of town?
Jules: We’re totes going to, but…
Brady the Were-Douche: We need to strong-arm you into something first!
Stevie the Were-Pup: You see… super exposition explaining the Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience powers activate!
Tyler Lockwood: Seriously? That’s the plot for this season? All right, let’s go kidnap a doppelganger.
Jules: Great! Do you know this girl?
Tyler Lockwood: Yeah! That’s Elena! I’ve got a picture of her on my bedroom ceiling!
Tyler Lockwood: It’s really good quality, for being taken from the bushes!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! Sorry I missed our date last night!
Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! Sorry you’re a lying little tramp!
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Sorry I have to steal your phone so I can steal your BFF!
Matt Donovan: Angry pout!
Caroline Forbes Tyler Lockwood Elena Gilbert (on Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement iPhone): Hi Elena it’s Caroline help help help help help everything sucks and I’m going to die where are you help!
Elena Gilbert’s (on her Product Placement iPhone): Headed 2 lake w Stefan’s abs. Where r u?
Caroline Forbes Tyler Lockwood Elena Gilbert (on Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement iPhone): K guys she’s at her parent’ cabin on the lake we can totes snatch her there!
Elena Gilbert’s (on her Product Placement iPhone): wait, what?
Caroline Forbes Tyler Lockwood Elena Gilbert (on Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement iPhone): Um… wrong person! Nevermind, totally not Tyler, and totally not going to kidnap you!
Elena Gilbert’s (on her Product Placement iPhone): Ok! xoxo
Elena Gilbert: OMG I haven’t been here since my parents died!
Stefan Salvatore: OMG so sorry let’s go!
Elena Gilbert: Kidding! Totally over their deaths!
Stefan Salvatore: Um… I can has invitation?
Elena Gilbert: OMG the rents left the cabin to Daddy Uncle John Gilbert! He has to invite you in!
Stefan Salvatore: D-:
Elena Gilbert: Kidding! Please ravish me! Also: come in!
Elijah: Blah blah blah, boring cover story blah!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Aunt Jenna!
Aunt Jenna: :-p
Damon Salvatore: Hi Andie Star!
Andie Star: :-*
Aunt Jenna: 0_o
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elijah!
Damon Salvatore: You’re picturing me naked, aren’t you?
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Luka! Would you like to be violated?
Caroline Forbes: You bet he would!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, that’s my not-girlfriend you’re talking about!
Luka Martin: Duuuuuurrrr… flop!
The Fiancee: Witch roofies FTW!
Elena Gilbert: This place brings back so many memories! What kind of memories do you think we’ll have, Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Well, it’s kind of a toss up. Either one of us turns you into a vampire, or you die some sort of horrible death. Maybe both!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Alaric! Damon’s a dick! And I’m going to tell Aunt Jenna all about your little vampire hunting parties! And I want that Magic Ring of Not Dying back!
Alaric Saltzman: …thanks for talking to me! I get to say lines! Asshole.
Damon Salvatore: So… what’s up with you being in Mystic Falls?
Elijah: That’s for me to know, and you to shut the hell up about. Also: :-p
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire moving really fast and getting in front of Elijah so that he can’t escape powers activate!
The Fiancee: So… he’s a lot older than you are…
Elijah: Bored Original grabbing Damon by the throat and crashing him into the wall powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire grabbing him by his throat because hey why not powers activate!
Elijah: Bored Original pencil to the neck because god this guy is annoying me powers activate!
The Fiancee: Told you.
Stefan Salvatore: I’m going to get some fire wood!
Elena Gilbert: Why would we take advantage of your super strength and immunity to cold when I can just get a jacket and spend the next five days lugging wood up to the house? Silly. Here, put on my dead great grand dad’s jacket! You look hot!
Stefan Salvatore: I can’t be the only person that thinks that’s weird, can I?
Elena Gilbert: Shut up and kiss me!
The Fiancee: Please don’t have sex in your dead parent’s closet.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, don’t worry, we’re just in here so we can discover the Gilbert Family’s secret weapons cache.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie! Jeremy’s totes crushing on you, and you haven’t gotten laid in like months, so…
Jeremy Gilbert: Vampire cheerleaders make the best wing men.
Luka Martin: Duuuuuurrrr…
Bonnie Bennet: Oh! It’s time for the brain rape!
Alaric Saltzman: Elijah’s scary! But he has nice hair!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, he’s got his own Cullen going. Thanks for pointing that out.
Alaric Saltzman: Oh, and can you do me a solid and not murder my girlfriend’s friend?
Damon Salvatore: Why not? I mean, it’s not like there’s another reporter around to report the death…
Alaric Saltzman: Whatevs. Hey, I’ve got to go… get stabbed in the gut by a werewolf.
Stevie the Were-Pup: Super werewolf sticking Damon in the neck with a needle full of anti-vampire pot powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire thrashing about in a futile attempt to dislodge the were pup powers activate!
Thomas: Would like to mention that, in a life-and-death situation, the best way to get someone off your back is actually to reach up and gouge out their eyes.
Elena Gilbert: Look! All of the Original Uncle John Gilbert’s journals! And a bunch of vampire killing stuff! Could it possibly be that my family has some sort of dark, vampire-related secret? I mean, another one?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so… I’m going to go over there now.
Brady the Were-Douche: Hi Tyler! If the vampire break the curse, we’re all dead! But I’ll make sure you go first, and painfully!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Aunt Jenna! I’m an enormous dick! Also, I drank all of your wine.
Stevie the Were-Pup: Hi Damon! I tied you to a chair and hooked you up to a wooden-nail-lined collar…
Jules: And I want to know where the moonstone is!
Damon Salvatore: Irony is a bitch.
Bonnie Bennet: Tell me all your secrets!
Luka Martin: No means no!
Bonnie Bennet: Not if I push hard enough!
Luka Martin: Fine! Klaus has my sister, Elijah promised to rescue her if we kill him, and Elena’s got to die. Can I have a shower now?
Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’ll just pile up this fire wood and-
Brady the Were-Douche: Hi Stefan! Bang!
Stefan Salvatore: Get shot with a wooden bullet. Dammit.
Brady the Were-Douche: Okay Tyler, I’m going to go kidnap his girlfriend, you stay here and make sure he doesn’t move.
Tyler Lockwood: We’re not going to kill him?
Brady the Were-Douche: …no, he’s a main character. Killing him wouldn’t make any sense.
Tyler Lockwood: Really? You’re sure? I mean, read this: this Number four, and number six, and number seven. And kinda eleven. No? Okay.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did Were-Douche tell you about the part of the Lame Ass Ritual where they murder Elena?
Tyler Lockwood: Moment of clarity.
Elena Gilbert: Why, it’s suddenly quiet, and the front door is open. I wonder if something could be the matter!
Brady the Were-Douche: Boo!
Elena Gilbert: Gutstab!
Brady the Were-Douche: That went differently in my head.
Elena Gilbert: Closethide!
Brady the Were-Douche: Scenttrack!
Elena Gilbert: Shoulderstab!
Brady the Were-Douche: That also went differently in my head.
Elena Gilbert: Run away!
Brady the Were-Douche: Give chase!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire Damon’s not the only one who can be a badass so I’m going to give the fans what they want to see and rip the were-douch’s douchie heart right out of his douchie chest powers activate!
Brady the Were-Douche: Dies.
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Elena! Sorry about the almost-murder!
Jules: Okay, let’s move on the the “wooden buckshot” part of today’s torture. So… moonstone?
Elijah: The moonstone? You mean this moonstone? This moonstone right here? The moonstone that I’m going to leave laying on this table, in between us?
Random Werefodder: Moonstone grab!
Elijah: Heart rip!
Two More Random Werefodder: Moonstone grab!
Elijah: Double heart rip!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Are impressed.
Jules: Moonstone grab! Wait no eff that I’m out of here! Runs.
Stevie the Were-Pup: Turtle!
Elijah: Super original neck breaking right hook powers activate!
Stevie the Were-Pup: Dies.
Elijah: For anyone keeping track at home, this is the third time I’ve saved Damon’s life. You’re all welcome.
Bonnie Bennet (on the phone): And then Caroline was like “but he’s totally hot! So what if he’s a few years younger than you! Cougars are in now!” And I’m all like “but I don’t know if I want to date Elena’s brother! It might be creepy!” Oh, and Elijah’s still planning to murder Elena.
Damon Salvatore: Okay. I’m gonna go dip my knife in some white oak, if you know what I mean. (I mean I’m going to kill Elijah.)
Alaric Saltzman: Magic Ring of Not Dying powers activate just in time for me to miss everything!
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Aunt Jenna! I just came back from the dead, so I don’t have the energy to make up a really good excuse. I’ll probably tell you about vampires soon!
Aunt Jenna: …why are all the men I date weird?
Stefan Salvatore: So… Damon says the Elijah’s still planning on murdering you to death.
Elena Gilbert: Oh, yeah, I know. We’re cool.
Bella Swan: Suicide is awesome!
Stefan Salvatore: You’re acting like a martyr!
Thomas: The word you’re looking for is “moron.”
Stefan Salvatore: That’s not heroic! That’s tragic!
Thomas: “Stupid.” You mean “stupid.”
Elena Gilbert: But you rush off to your death like every third episode!
Stefan Salvatore: Thats… different! Because!
Jeremy Gilbert: So will Luka remember anything?
Bonnie Bennet: No, he’ll wake up groggy, with a headache, and wonder where his pants went, but that’s about it.
Jeremy Gilbert: Sweet! Can we have sexy time now?
Bonnie Bennet: I’m thinking yes!
Tyler Lockwood (via hand-written note): Dear Mom, The writers have committed character assassination on me, and the audience hates me. So I have to go away for a while, so that everyone forgets what a douche I’ve been, and so I can make a triumphant, heroic return in a few episodes. Hope you like the flowers, I stole them from someone’s funeral. -Tyler
Jacob Black: Been there, dude. At least you didn’t imprint on a toddler.
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Matt! I’m going to apologize in the most self-aggrandizing way possible! So I give you permission to take care of Caroline for me while I’m gone!
Tyler Lockwood: Sorry another dozen of your friends got their hearts removed via vampire tonight. This town sucks, right? Oh, and could you please stop lying to me about everything?
Jules: Sure! Fingers crossed.
Tyler Lockwood: Well, I’m hoping to get into your pants now that all the alpha males are dead, so… let’s go!
The Plot: Thickens.