Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

Strong people are harder to kill than weak people, and more useful in general -Mark Rippetoe

– Castle Cullen – The Most Important Day Of Her Life – And Bella’s, Too –

Alice Cullen: …

Thomas: SQUEE!

Alice Cullen: …Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, Hi Bella I love you Bella and I love the shoes I bought you Bella and the dress I picked out for you Bella and if my family doesn’t get on board with this whole thing and make the wedding happen in exactly the way I have envisioned it I might snap and murder them all!

Bella Swan: …I don’t know how to walk in high heels.

– Bella’s Bedroom – (Un)Shocking Revelations –

Edward Cullen: Hi Be-

The Audience: SQUEE!

Edward Cullen: I will be so relieved when this series is over. Anyway, on this, the night before our holy vows, which I have been pestering you to take for the last year, I have come by to reveal to you a dreadful fact that may indeed cause you to doubt your love for me.

Bella Swan: …You’ve slept with other girls?

Edward Cullen: …Not other girls, no. Also, I totally murdered tons of people back in the 40s.

Bella Swan: But they were probably all rapists and murderers and bank managers, right?

Edward Cullen: …Sure.

Emmet Cullen: Dude, come on! It’s time for your bachelor party!

Bella Swan: Are you going to have strippers?

Edward Cullen: Why Bella, perish the very thought! For I am a chaste and honorable man, and to pay a woman to remove her modesty would be-

Emmet Cullen: Dude, the strippers are getting cold! And Jasper just ate one! Hurry up!

Edward Cullen: Facepalm.

– Bella’s Bedroom – Demented Dreams and Bloody Brides –

The Wedding Guests: Hi Bella! We’re all dressed in white!

Edward Cullen: Hi Bella! That’s a serious faux pas, so I made you a wedding cake out of their bloody corpses!

Bella Swan: Aw, that’s so thoughtful! But we should probably pretend that this nightmare has a chance in hell of changing my mind about you. You know, for dramatic tension.

Director Bill Condon: Dramatic tension? What’s that?

– Castle Cullen – Blushing Brides and Constipated Cops –

Alice Cullen: Hi Bella I love you Bella now sit still while I do your hair and paint your face and get you dressed and if you screw this up for me I think I might eat you so just cooperate okay?

Charlie Swan: Hi Bella! Please don’t take your clothes off. Also, you need something old, so we brought your grandmother’s hair clip.

RenŽe Swan: And something blue, so we put sapphires in it1

Charlie Swan: And something borrowed! Jacob said he wouldn’t be needing his dignity anymore, and that we should give it to you.

– Castle Cullen – Meadow of Marriage –

Bella Swan: Twitch! Convulse! Sputter!

Bella’s Unimportant Human Friends: We’re in this movie!

Bella’s Other Unimportant Human Friends: Let’s make snide comments about Bella being pregnant!

Bella’s Unimportant Human Friends: That’ll be funny when she actually get’s knocked up!

Edward Cullen: Hi Bella! Remember how vampires used to sparkle in the sun? Welcome to our brightly lit, high-noon wedding day!

Bella Swan: Spasm! Quiver! Shudder!

The Minister: Do you, Edward, take Bella to be your lawful property, till death do you part?

Edward Cullen: Oh, she’s going to belong to me well after I kill her.

The Minister: And do you, Bella, give yourse- wait, what?

Edward Cullen: Smootch!

Bella Swan: Why, it’s like everyone else is gone, and there’s nothing in this world but me and Edward!

Director Bill Condon: See what I did there? That’s called symbolism.

– Twenty Minutes Later –

The Wedding Guests: Jesus, they’re still going at it. Have they put the food out yet?

The Other Wedding Guests: No, they just led a bunch of deer out of the garage and tied them up near the wedding cake. What’s that all about?

– Castle Cullen – Forrest of Festivities –

Emmet Cullen: Hi Bella! Hope you got plenty of sleep last night, because you’re not going to be sleeping much tonight! You know, because of all the sex. And because Edward’s going to turn you into a vampire. But mostly the sex.

Alice Cullen: I have a real live Barbie doll to play with for ever and ever yay!

Charlie Swan: I’m a cop.

Bella’s Unimportant Human Friend: It’s really funny how Edward fell for Bella, isn’t it? Like, even though she’s the clumsiest person in the world? And she has the personality of a particularly subservient piece of cardboard? And she wasn’t even in a movie with George Clooney?

Charlie Swan: And guns. I have lots of guns.

Rosalie Hale: Like, welcome to the family or whatever. Bitch.

Esme Cullen: I just wanted to thank Charlie and RenŽe for having sex all those years ago, and making such a wonderful person!

Carlisle Cullen: And even though you’re never going to see her again, I want to assure you that we’ll take really good care of her! Except for the part where our son murders her.

Charlie Swan: …I know how to hunt people down.

– Castle Cullen – Trees of Temper Tantrums –

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Hi Bella! I just wanted to say that I love you and I support you and I’ll always be your friend!

Bella Swan: Great! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do sex to my husband.

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Wait, you’re actually planning on having sex with the man you just married? What kind of a slut are you? I’ll bet you’re even planning on enjoying it, aren’t you?

Bella Swan: …

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Joseph Smith would be so disappointed.

– Castle Cullen – Secrets, Surprises, and Subservience –

RenŽe Swan: I’m so happy for you, Bella! Where are you going to honeymoon?

Bella Swan: Well, he didn’t actually tell me. But don’t worry! He said if I behave, I might get a phone call!

– Rio De Janeiro –

Edward Cullen: Welcome to Rio, Bella! I have a gift for you!

Bella Swan: Why thank you, Edward! But why are you giving me jewelry now?

Edward Cullen: Well, Emmet said I should give you a pearl necklace…

Bella Swan: …I’m going to have to do all of the work tonight, aren’t I?

The Lady: Isn’t Rio like a twenty hour flight? And why did she wear high heels on the plan?

– Isle Esme – Borrowed Bedroom –

Edward Cullen: Hi Bella! This is the island Carlisle gave Esme for their anniversary! And this is their mansion cottage on the beach, where we’ll be staying! And this is their bed, where we’ll be sexing!

Bella Swan: Yeah, about that whole sex thing… mind if I freshen up a bit.

Edward Cullen: Sure!

Bella Swan: …Could you leave me alone while I freshen up a bit?

Edward Cullen: Oh! Okay, I’m gonna go hunt dolphins or something.

– Isle Esme – A Few Human Moments –

Bella Swan: Takes a shower.

Edward Cullen: …

Bella Swan: Brushes her teeth.

Edward Cullen: …

Bella Swan: Shaves her legs.

Edward Cullen: …

Bella Swan: Reads War and Peace.

Edward Cullen: Oh for God’s sake woman, I am an eighty year old virgin standing naked in the warm waters of Brazil! If you don’t come down here and have relations with me, I do believe I shall suffer priapism!

Bella Swan: You mean…

Edward Cullen: Yes! Sparkleballs!

– Isle Esme – Fornication Fashion –

Alice Cullen (in a note): Dear Bella, I understand that this is difficult for you. For one, you’re like a six, maybe a seven, and Edward is like an eleventy. Also, since he’s a vampire, he can see every flaw, taste the spinach you ate three months ago, and smell your BO even if you’d bathed in perfume for a month. Also, you have the fashion sense of a 90s grunge rocker. But don’t worry, I’m here to help! And I helped you by packing nothing but see-through bras and edible panties. Sorry that the panties are so messy. You know we can only eat dead animals. Don’t get pregnant! -Alice

Bella Swan: …fuck this, let’s go streaking.

– Isle Esme – Lake of Lovemaking –

Edward Cullen: Oh my god, you have a vagina!

Bella Swan: Oh my god, so do you!

– Isle Esme – Bedroom of Baby Making –

Edward Cullen: Wink wink wink!

Bella Swan: Nudge nudge nudge!

The Bed: Snap crackle pop!

Edward Cullen’s Demon Seed: Why hello there!

Bella Swan’s Ovum: We should be best friends!

– Werewolf HQ –

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Man, it sure sucks how the only girl I’ve ever loved fell for another guy!

Leah Clearwater: Don’t worry, Jacob! One day you’ll imprint on a baby and have all of your choices taken away and that will make you happy because self determination is for losers am I right?

– Isle Esme – Bitching and Bruises –

Edward Cullen: Alas! I have defiled your flesh! I have tarnished your skin! I have inflicted grievous injuries upon your most delicate person!

Bella Swan: Dude, they’re just bruises. That means you’re doing it right.

Edward Cullen: I shall never touch you again!

Bella Swan: If you’re that worried, I could just be on top next time.

Edward Cullen: …I don’t understand.

– Isle Esme – Housekeeper Horror –

The Housekeepers (in Portuguese): Devil! I know what you are, and what you plan to do to this innocent young girl!

Edward Cullen (in Portuguese): Bitch, I will tear your limbs off and beat your husband to death with them. Also, I’m out of clean socks.

Bella Swan: What are you guys talking about?

Edward Cullen: She said you look really good in blue.

– Isle Esme – Cramps & Cravings –

Edward Cullen (in a note): Dear Bella, I have gone unto the mainland to acquire for myself some delicious prey. I shall return before you wake, which makes this note either unnecessary, or a lie. I shall punish myself upon my return, for either my wastefulness or my dishonesty. Yours always (just not in a carnal manner), Edward.

Bella Swan: Om nom nom nom chicken! Ouch ouch ouch ouch cramps! Ugh ugh ugh ugh morning sickness!

– Isle Esme – Bathroom of Baby News –

Edward Cullen: Hello my dearest Bella! How does the morning find you?

Bella Swan: My period is late.

Edward Cullen: 0_o

Every Guy in the Audience: Has made that exact same face.

– Isle Esme – Furious Phone Calls –

Edward Cullen: Hi Carlisle. Yeah, everything’s fine. Say, random question, what does the Book of Mormon say about abortion? Uh huh. Okay. Really? Life of the mother, huh?

Bella Swan: …Why are you looking at me like that?

Edward Cullen: Hold really still. Carlisle says I need to punch you in the baby maker.

– Airport of Abortion Avoidance –

Bella Swan: Hey Rosalie? You know how you said having a baby was the most important thing in the world ever? Well I need some help…

– Castle Cullen – Mansion of Moral Lessons –

Edward Cullen: This vile abomination is threatening the life of my beloved, and we must destroy it with fire!

Carlisle Cullen: Her frail human body cannot withstand the strain of carrying a damphire to term!

Alice Cullen: And since Bella is an actual human being, and the thing inside of her is only a fetus…

Rosalie Hale: It is not a fetus it is a baby a precious precious baby and if you kill the baby Baby Jesus will cry and Joseph Smith will weep and Brigham Young will take away Christmas oh and also I will use my super vampire powers to murder you all to death.

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Hi Bella! You look like shit! …Why is everyone so angry?

– Castle Cullen – Plotting with Pedophiles –

Edward Cullen: Hi Jacob! I need to ask you a favor! If Bella dies, could you do me a solid and murder me?

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Boy could I! But wait, aren’t you supposed to ask me to get Bella pregnant, so she’ll be willing to give up this fetus precious, precious baby?

Edward Cullen: Yeah, no. The Director said that was too fucked up even for this series.

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Lame.

– Castle Cullen – Nothing More to Offer –

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Hi Bella! I just dropped by to ask you if dying at eighteen years old might not be the best decision you’ve ever made.

Bella Swan: What are you talking about? I got married, had sex exactly once, and am about to have a baby. What more can a girl accomplish in life?

– Wolf Pack HQ –

Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black’ Brain: Wow, it sure is wacky how Bella got knocked up with Edward’s demon spawn!

Sam “Wolf Mode” Uley’s Brain: We must destroy the accursed abomination!

Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black’ Brain: I will never allow you to harm dear beloved Bella!

Sam “Wolf Mode” Uley’s Brain: Forsooth! I am the Alpha, and you are therefore my bitch!!

Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black’ Brain: What ho! But I am descended from some really important dead guy, and that makes you my bitch!

Seth “Wolf Mode” Clearwater: Why did they add so much reverb to our voices?

– Castle Cullen – Argument Ad Nauseum –

Alice Cullen: Fetus!

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

Alice Cullen: Fetus!

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

Alice Cullen: Fetus!

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

Alice Cullen: Fetus!

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

– Forest of Forged Alliances –

Seth Clearwater: Hi Jacob! I want to join your pack!

Leah Clearwater: Hi Jacob! I hate your stinking guts! But not as much as I hate watching Sam make out with his new slut!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Wow, with these two on my side, there’s no way I can lose.

– Castle Cullen – Against Medical Advice –

Carlisle Cullen: And as you can see on this X-Ray here, the fetus-

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

Carlisle Cullen: Has broken your ribs, pelvis, tibia, and spine. And as your attending physician, and the guy who’s going to have to listen to Edward emo his way through your death for the next four hundred goddamn years, I heartily recommend not committing suicide by baby.

Rosalie Hale: Fetus! No, wait…

– Castle Cullen – Special Revelation

Bella Swan: Hey Edward! The baby is kicking! Femurbreak!

Edward Cullen: Bella, I cannot stand to watch this… wait a second, the baby is communicating with me telepathically!

Bella Swan: What’s he saying?

Edward Cullen: That he loves you and he loves me and that Joseph Smith was right and that abortion is wrong and that women should remain barefoot and pregnant!

Bella Swan: That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard!

– Castle Cullen – Baby Bloody Bottle –

Carlisle Cullen: So yeah, the fetus-

Rosalie Hale: Baby!

Bella Swan: Baby!

Edward Cullen: Baby!

Carlisle Cullen: -Is still eating you alive. It’s draining all of your strength and vitality, and will leave you a withered corpse. On the other hand, you’re almost think enough to be a runway model now.

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: She should just start drinking blood.

Carlisle Cullen: That’s a fantastic idea!

Edward Cullen: Brilliant!

Esme Cullen: I have a bag of blood right here!

Alice Cullen: Hey Jasper let’s go for a walk Jasper I don’t want you to flip out and eat my new Barbie doll Jasper!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: …I hate everything about this movie.

– Castle Cullen – Hunting and Hopelessness –

Carlisle Cullen: Hey Edward! We didn’t think stock up on food, and we figured that this would be a good time to leave you all unprotected. See you tomorrow!

– Castle Cullen – Stupid Names and Shattered Dames –

Bella Swan: Hi Jacob! I have something very important to tell you!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: You’ve come to your senses and decided to live!

Bella Swan: Nope! I’ve decided to name the baby after you! And Edward! Unless it’s a girl, then I’m gonna call her Renesme!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: 0_o

Everyone Else in the World: o_0

Renesme: I’m ready to come out now! Placentarip!

Bella Swan: …Poop.

– Forest of Fear –

Director Bill Condon: Wow, this movie really kind of sucks. We should probably throw the boys a bone, and have an action scene or two now.

The Cullens and The Wolves: Fight. Kind of.

– Castle Cullen – Fill ‘Er Up –

Rosalie Hale: Hi Edward! I have the surgical kit you asked for! Let’s deliver a baby!

Edward Cullen: Confound the luck! The placenta is as sparkly and marble-like as our own skin! The scalpel is useless! I must therefore perform…

a vampire c-section … with my teeth

Bella Swan: Dies.

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Bella!

Edward Cullen: No, it’s okay! I just have to fill her with my thick, milky… venom, and she’ll be fine!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: You have never ver heard the word subtlety, have you?

– Castle Cullen – Hi, I’m Chris Hanson –

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: Well, the demon spawn murdered Bella, just like I said. I guess I better go kill-

Renesme: Hi Jacob!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: ~*~*~*~*~ Hi, Renesme! ~*~*~*~*~

The Lady: Well it’s good they managed to work pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia into one movie.

Director Bill Condon: Shit, she’s right. Quick, give Jacob a vision of the little demon spawn as an adult, before someone reports us to the FBI.

– Forest of Fear –

The Wolf Pack: Hi guys! We’re hear to murder you all to death!

Jacob “I Get To Keep My Shirt On” Black: ~*~*~*~*~ But I’m in love! ~*~*~*~*~

The Wolf Pack: Okay! Peace out!

Carlisle Cullen: Wait, what?

Edward Cullen: Pedophilia is their most sacred tradition… they are forbidden by Tribal custom from harming anyone Jacob has creeped on.

The Quileutes: Dear Stephenie Meyer, Fuck you. Love, Indigenous people all across America.

– Castle Cullen – Magic Makeovers –

Edward Cullen: But what if I didn’t pump her full enough? Or what if I pumper her full too late?

Carlisle Cullen: Don’t worry, Edward, I’m sure-

Bella Swan: Hi guys! Let’s go kill the shit out of some deer!

0 responses to “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I – Distilled”

  1. Beth Francis says:

    I’m a huge Twilight fan, but that was pretty much dead on! Still liked the movie though, can’t wait for part 2 in 358 days!

  2. Eve says:

    >>Edward Cullen: I shall never touch you again!

    Bella Swan: If you’re that worried, I could just be on top next time.

    Edward Cullen: …I don’t understand.<<<

    Ha ha! That's hilarious. Great recap. The movie sure does terrible but I'm seeing it on Sunday anyway. Hope it's not as bad as it sounds, but just in case it is I'm seeing it in a theater that serves alcohol. To your seat.

    The Jacob/infant romance continues to be reallllly creepy no matter how it's painted.

  3. Kayla says:

    Fan-freaking-tastic Thomas. How you wrote this is exactly what I thought reading the last book.

  4. The Lady of the Manor says:

    Dear Eve:
    Good, because it’s exactly as bad as it sounds. And the Jacob/Infant romance is still painted pretty creepily.

  5. Melissa says:

    Hilarious recap Thomas. Just think, as terrible as this movie was, you know the next one is going to be way worse. I laughed out loud during the whole Volturi scene that ran during the credits. It wasn’t until it was over that I realized… it wasn’t a joke… that scene was real and will actually be in the next movie? Whatever.

  6. Andacus says:

    Awesome. YOu make me miss recapping soooo much! Thanks for the entertainment! I love the Lady’s commentary, too.

  7. Luthien says:

    I must say, I was impressed by this movie.

    Bill Condon obviously knew a serious attempt at the book conversion would never work, and so created a satire of Twilight movies that is actually part of the series itself.

    I can’t wait for Bella’s Save the Day Psychic Shield Lasoo – here’s hoping for an homage to Wonder Woman, I’m sure Alice would have a fit.

  8. Valeria says:

    Ahahahahahahahahahah…. OMFG thank you Thomas… Recapping a TVD PARODY is a great idea to make the hiatus bearable!!!!!! I sooooooooooo miss tvd

  9. darkmaxou says:

    Thank you Thomas !!

    I wasn’t planning on seeing it (PAY for THIS ?!? No thank you!), and your recap is just what I needed !!!
    Better written than the movie (and, let’s face it, the books), and also WAY funnier !!!!

    So, Lautner got to keep is shirt on this time ? That’s too bad, he can’t act his way out of a paper bag, the abs distracted from the bleeding in my eyes and ears at least.

    Happy Thanksgiving !!! 🙂

    PS: Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if you recapped some SPN or BTVS…. Just putting it out there… :p

  10. Ellyria says:

    I wasted 7 hours of my life reading BD, no way in hell am I seeing the movie. Or part 2… seriously, why do they need two parts? You could finish the rest of BD in 5 minutes for all the sense it makes. (and how anticlimactic it is!)

    But you’re hilarious as always Thomas! I dunno what possessed you to recap Twilight of all things, but you made it funny! My favorite part has to be this:

    Edward Cullen: Oh my god, you have a vagina!

    Bella Swan: Oh my god, so do you!


    Oh, I was hoping that they would avoid the whole “Jacob loves a baby” thing, because no matter what way you slice it, it’s freaking creepy. What was S.Meyer THINKING? (I, of course, am under the assumption that she knows how to form a coherent thought… zing!) I mean really, they take out the scene where Edward asks Jacob to father a child for Bella so it won’t kill her because it’s “too effed up”, but they leave in the babymance. Someone needs to check their priorities.

    And finally, a little observation. Isn’t it funny how 30+ year old women will go to see this movie to squee over the “sexy teenage male vampires and werewolves”, and no one says a word? Yet if 30+ year old men went to see a movie about female teenage vampires and werewolves to squee over them, they’d be given funny looks and be called pedos and perverts? Hooray for double standards!

  11. Eve says:

    Hi there Lady, yeah, alcohol sounds like a necessity. I’ll start a tab now. Seeing the movie tomorrow, actually. Got confused.

    Love your comments, btw, particularly the “20 hour flight to Rio?”. Even remotely realistic travel time seems too hard of a concept for vampire shows. At least Bella and Edward step foot on a plane, right? (In heels, really? Haha) On TVD they get from coast to coast using thought alone, apparently.

    There just isn’t any way to present an adult/baby romance (shudder at even writing that) that isn’t sick. Stephanie did her best to explain it and it’s still sick sick sick. It’ll be interesting to see what my non-vampire-fan boyfriend thinks of that, assuming he’s sober enough by the end of the movie to realize what’s going on.

  12. Daniela says:

    Thomas & Lady… I friggin LOVE you both!! Keep the recaps coming, they always make my day 😀

  13. Misty says:

    Thanks Thomas!! Sorry you had to go watch the movie just to recap it for us, but thank you for doing so. I love it! I laughed at your recap almost as much as I did at the “Showdown at Wolf Pack HQ”. I loved that part, rather I loved the case of the giggles it gave me. 🙂

  14. Joy says:

    For real. Vomit. I was so much more unimpressed with this movie than I thought I would be. And I went into it thinking they’d royally fuck it up. I tweeted that Bill Condon should have stuck to musicals. Crappy, flamboyant musicals. And I love me some flamboyance, but he sucks.
    Note: two cool parts; the CSI vampire change bit (that gives people seizures, which I totally called!) and… Hrm. I already forgot the other cool part. Bill Condon failed miserably with this. The whole thing was like a giant awkward silence, but the flash shot to Stephanie at the wedding and the crappy werewolf pack-mind voices were the WORST.
    Charlie was the best part of the movie. Again.

  15. nvo says:

    Oh that recap was awesome! And also the length the movie should’ve been because that movie dragged on way too long. I knew they shouldn’t have split it into two but summit doesn’t care. They’ll make bank so who cares if the movie sucks because fans and masochists (like myself) will go see it.

  16. Tina says:

    So I’m kind of late on commenting but I’ve had this page bookmarked to read when I got a chance because I knew it would be awesome. Enjoyed the recap very much! So true about the “pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia into one movie”. I was missing the scene where they tell Charlie they are getting married I thought that would have been another funny moment. I like the “I get to keep my shirt on” because it was actually ridiculous how little he was wearing a shirt in new moon and eclipse. Looking forward to part 2!

  17. Thomas says:

    Hi everyone,

    Sorry I was so bad about responding to comments on this one. My brain was broke by the time I got done writing this (more so from my job than the movie) and I kind of needed to walk away from the keyboard for a while. But I really do appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and leave me a comment. Thanks!