Note: this movie is really, really long, and I can’t guarantee that the scenes actually happened in the order in which they’re recapped. Actually, I’m pretty sure they’re not. -thomas
Riley Biers: OMG WTF I thought vampires were all sparkly and fuzzy and nice!?!
David Slade: Hi, I’m David Slade. You might know me from Thirty Days of Night, the movie about vampires that are actually, well, vampires. I’m directing this little gig, and I have a… slightly different interpretation of Myer’s sparklepires.
Riley Biers: …help.
Victoria: Nom Nom Nom!
Bella Swan: OMG I’m going to be nineteen soon! I don’t wanna get old!
Edward Cullen: B-
Half of the Audience: Orgasms simultaneously.
Edward Cullen: Ahem. Bella, we’ve talked about this. I can’t inject you with my… venom until we’re properly married.
Bella Swan: Pout.
The Cullen Clan: Wait, we get to do actual vampire type stuff? Like wear black, and run around at night, and try to kill things?
David Slade: That’s right! And if you’re good, I’ll talk to the FX department, and maybe they can even make your teeth look a little sharper. I mean, we can’t have actual fangs, but I’ll see what I can do.
The Cullen Clan: Best. Director. Ever.
Victoria: Hi Cullens! I’m in The Lost Woods, for no discernible reason whatsoever!
The Cullen Clan: Give chase.
The Wolf Pack: Give chase.
The Cullen Clan and The Wolf Pack: Tense standoff.
Bella Swan: Hi Dad! I’m home at 4pm sharp, just like the terms of my probation say!
Charlie Swan: Bella, you know why you’re grounded, right?
Bella Swan: Because I went into a clinical depression over a boy I’d known for five months, started taking a series of increasingly suicidal risks, and ran off to Italy without telling you?
Charlie Swan: Well, yes, but mostly because I’m Team Jacob.
Team Jacob: Yay!
Bella Swan: Hi Jacob, it’s me, Bella. I’m calling because Charlie said I have to hang out with my other friends if I’m going to be allowed to see Edward, and you’ve always been really good about doing exactly what I want without ever getting anything in return. Call me!
Newborn Vampire One: Wheee! I can flip over a car!
Newborn Vampire Two: Whooo! I can tear people limb from limb!
Newborn Vampire Two: Nom! I’m going to eat a baby!
Riley Biers: …what did I tell you about being subtle?
Bree Tanner: I sure hope these idiots don’t get me killed.
Big Volturi Thug: So we’re going to use these newborn vampires to wipe out the Cullens, and convince Edward and Alice to join us?
Jane: Mind pain. No, you idiot. If we decided to do that, Alice would see our future, and they’d stop us. Instead, we’ll spin this Wheel of Plot Points and let fate take it’s course!
Big Volturi Thug: But… that wheel has 99 spaces that say “use these newborn vampires to wipe out the Cullens, and convince Edward and Alice to join us,” and one space that says “do it anyway.”
Jane: …Shut up.
Edward Cullen: Bella, if I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
Bella Swan: Rushes out of the car.
Jacob “Abs” Black: B-
The Other Half of the Audience: Orgasms simultaneously.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Anyway. Bella, I got your phone call, and since I have no respect for myself, I came here to talk.
Bella Swan: Yay!
Edward Cullen: Brood!
Jacob “Abs” Black: Oh, and by the way, if you Cullens ever come onto Wolf Pack land again, we’re rip your sparkly asses into pieces.
Bella Swan: Wait, why were you on the reservation?
Edward Cullen: <brood>We were just chasing down vcrta.</brood>
Bella Swan: Wait, what was that?
Edward Cullen: Victoria, all right?!? I didn’t want you to know that she was back, because keeping you ignorant of the threats you face is clearly the best way to protect you! Egads, woman, why is that so hard for you to understand?
Bella Swan: O…kay. Let’s skip class!
Jacob “Abs” Black: Hop on the bike, babe!
Edward Cullen: Brood!
Jacob “Abs” Black abd Bella Swan: Ride away.
Edward Cullen: Brood!
Leah Clearwater: Hi Bella! Eff you!
Bella Swan: Wait… that didn’t sound like instant, complete adoration. Now I’m confused.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Oh, don’t mind her. She’s upset that her papa died hunting Victoria, which was kind of your fault. Also, her lover left her because he imprinted on another girl. Also also, she’s a wolf now.
Bella Swan: Imprinted?
Jacob “Abs” Black: It’s this thing we wolves do, where we see a girl, and we just know she’s the one, and then we obsessively hound her until she admits that she loves us, too.
Bella Swan: …hot.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Also, I really don’t like the idea of you becoming a vampire. So much so that I think you’d be better off dead.
Bella Swan: Backs away slowly.
The Quileute Council: Hi Bella! Did you know that they only way a girl can help in a fight between werewolves and vampires is to stab herself, so that her blood distracts the vampire? Bet that won’t be important later!
Bella Swan: Hi daddy! Ready for dinner?
Charlie Swan: Sure am! But…he’s not coming with us, is he?
Edward Cullen: Don’t be silly, Chief Swan. The only think I want to eat is your daughter. Wait, that didn’t come out right… Anyway, Bella, don’t you think it’s time you used that plane ticket we bought you to go visit your mother?
Bella Swan: No, I’m pretty happy right here, actually.
Edward Cullen: You know, before graduation?
Bella Swan: Nah, I’m good.
Edward Cullen: Before graduation, after which we’re getting married, and I’ll be turning you into a vampire, and you’ll never see your family again?
Bella Swan: Oh, right! Yeah, let’s do that.
Bella Swan’s Mom: Hi guys! I’m just meeting my contractual obligation to be in this movie! Here’s a quilt!
Riley Biers: Let’s see… I need something with Bella’s delicious, delicious scent. I’ll just rifle through her underwear… oh, hey, she left a blouse hung over her chair. That’ll do! Goodnight Charlie!
Charlie Swan: Snore.
Bella Swan: Hi dad!
Charlie Swan: Bella, you’re late…
Bella Swan: I was with Jacob!
Charlie Swan: Well all right then!
Edward Cullen: Knock knock.
Charlie Swan: …goddammit. I’ll be up in my room.
Edward Cullen: Bella! Something’s wrong! I smell-
Bella Swan: Wet dog. I know, I know.
Edward Cullen: No! I smell… scented detergent! I know we’ve talked about this! It’s too abrasive to your delicate skin, and masks your natural, heavenly scent! Also, there was a vampire in your bedroom.
Edward Cullen: Seriously! I think she was using Tide or something! Alice, was there nothing you can do? Could you not foresee the harsh chemicals tainting her soft, warm skin? Oh, and there was a vampire in her bedroom. Other than me.
Carlisle Cullen: Hmm. A local youth has gone missing, people are being slaughtered by the dozens in Seattle, apparently the work of a young vampire army, and someone was sneaking around in Bella’s bedroom. Could this be the work of Victoria, whose lover we destroyed in the first movie, and who has sworn revenge upon us all? And who was running around in our backyard, like, three scenes ago?
Edward Cullen: Haha, heavens no! These events must be totally unrelated.
Carlisle Cullen: Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, we better leave Bella with the wolves while we go hunting in the woods.
Bella Swan: Rosalie, why do you hate me so much?
Rosalie Hale: I don’t hate you Bella, I’m jealous of you, because you can have babies like a real woman, and I can’t. Also, my fiance and his friends raped me to death, but it’s cool, because Carlisle turned me into a vampire, and I murdered them all in my wedding dress.
Bella Swan: …okay then.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Hi Bella!
Edward Cullen: Do you even own a shirt?
Jacob “Abs” Black: Nope! Come on, Bella, let’s get you to my
Edward Cullen: Brood!
Jacob “Abs” Black: Well, I’ve figured out how to make you admit that you love me: Smootch!
Bella Swan: Um, no.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Um, yes. Forced smootch!
Bella Swan: Facepunch!
Bella Swan’s Hand: Breaks.
Edward Cullen: Edward angry! Angry vampire smash stupid dog boy!
Jacob “Abs” Black: :-p
Charlie Swan: Okay, hold on there. What’s the problem.
Edward Cullen: Constipated stare.
Jacob “Abs” Black: I… sort of kissed your daughter.
Charlie Swan: …
Jacob “Abs” Black: And she punched me in the face.
Charlie Swan: …
Jacob “Abs” Black: And broke her hand.
Charlie Swan: …
Jacob “Abs” Black: On my face.
Charlie Swan: So, Bella, I just wanted to be sure you were being careful…
Bella Swan: Oh, it’s cool, I still have that pepper spray you gave me.
Charlie Swan: No, I mean, in a… wink, wink, nudge, nudge kind of way…
Bella Swan: OMG I am so embarrassed! Also, Edward is…
Charlie Swan: Gay?
Bella Swan: Old fashioned!
Charlie Swan: …is that one of those crazy code words you kids use these days?
Bella Swan: I’m a virgin!
Charlie Swan: Huh. Maybe Edward isn’t so bad after all.
Alice Cullen: B-
Alice Cullen: Right. Bella, were all going hunting, so you and Edward will have Castle Cullen all to yourselves tonight. You’re welcome!
Bella Swan: Sexy time now?
Edward Cullen: Wedding time first?
Bella Swan: Oh fine! How I found the only vampire in the world that continually cock blocks himself, I’ll never know.
Edward Cullen: We’re getting married! We’re getting married! We’re getting married! </sing-song>
Bella Swan’s Engagement Ring: Is bigger than her fist.
Alice Cullen: I-
Alice Cullen: …I’m throwing a graduation party! The entire world is invited!
Edward Cullen: Yeah, that went really well, the last time you tried it.
Bella Swan: …please don’t run away to Italy and attempt sparkleside.
Bella’s Unimportant Human Friend: Hi Bella!
Bella’s Other Unimportant Human Friend: Hi Bella! Hey, I love this song!
Bella’s Unimportant Human Friend: Really? What is it?
Bella’s Other Unimportant Human Friend: It’s Your Five Minutes Of Screen Time Are Up, by The Main Characters! Let’s go dance!
Alice Cullen: My-
Alice Cullen: Really? Do you have to do that ever time I come on screen? You’re worse than Edward. Anyway, my Powers of Plot Convenience have finally figured out Victoria’s plan. She’s got an army of super-powerful newborns, they’re tracking Bella’s scent, and they may or may not be working for the Volturi.
Edward Cullen: What part of that didn’t we know?
Alice Cullen: I’m psychic!
A Training Montage: Happens.
Jasper Hale: I’m the tactician!
Emmet Cullen: I’m the strong one!
Edward Cullen: I can hear your thoughts!
Alice Cullen: …
Thomas: No, it’s okay, go ahead. I’m good.
Alice Cullen: Thank god. Anyway, I know what you’re going to do before you do!
The Rest of the Cullens: We have the power of being important cast members!
The Wolf Pack: We’re furry!
Bella Swan: Jasper, why do you know so much about newborn vampires?
Jasper Hale: Well, ma’am, back when I was a confederate soldier, fighting for our god-given right to own black people, I stumbled upon a trio of vampire women, one of whom used me to lead her army of newborn vampires during territory disputes. Also, she had me kill them all when they weren’t useful anymore.
Alice Cullen: That’s my baby! Smootch!
Jacob “Abs” Black: So you’re sure Bella will be safe here?
Edward Cullen: Positive. Your… scent… masks hers, so there’s no way Victoria could follow you.
Jacob “Abs” Black: What about your scent?
Edward Cullen: I’m positive that won’t be an issue.
Bella Swan: Wow, it sure is a nice day today.
Furious Storm of Fury:
Bella Swan: Sadface, shiver.
Edward Cullen: Oh my Bella, if only my cursed condition did not prevent me from warming you with my own body!
Jacob “Abs” Black: I can help with that! After all, I am… hotter than you. </smug>
Edward Cullen: Grumble murmur brood.
Bella Swan: Oh thank god you’re warm come closer mmmm.
Jacob “Abs” Black: You know, you’d warm up faster if you took your clothes off.
Edward Cullen: Brewing rage!
Jacob “Abs” Black: What? It’s survival one oh one!
Bella Swan: Sleep warmly in Jacob’s embrace.
Edward Cullen: You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re trying to sleep with my girlfriend, I’d kind of like you.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Thanks man. If it wasn’t for the fact that you’re a blood sucking leach that’s going to murder the girl I love and turn her into a marble statue, I’d… well, I’d still hate you.
Edward Cullen: Well all right then.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Hey guys, I’m going to go mark my territory. I’ll be back in a bit.
Edward Cullen: Bella, I just wanted to thank you for agreeing to marry me. I can’t wait until we’re married. Which will be right after the wedding. Which we are going to have. Mrs. Cullen.
Jacob “Abs” Black: OMG WTF?!?
Bella Swan: You did that on purpose! I told you I wanted to break it to him gently!
Edward Cullen: Well, yeah. I’m an evil, manipulative douche with control and boundary issues.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Bella, think this through:
- I respect you as a person. I let you make your own choices, and support you in your decisions. Edward takes the spark plugs out of your truck when he doesn’t like who you’re hanging out with.
- I’m honest with you. I’ve always told you the truth about how I feel, and about the danger you’re in. Edward goes out of his way to keep you in the dark.
- I’ve never betrayed you. Edward told you he never loved you, that you weren’t good for him, and ran off to Italy, leaving you in a clinical, suicidal depression.
- I’m alive. And I don’t plan on dying any time soon. Edward plans to actually murder you, and turn you into one of the immortal damned.
- Your family loves me. If you’re with Edward, you’re never going to see your family again.
- Hello, have you seen my abs? How is it that you haven’t already torn off what little clothing I wear?
In conclusion, I’m be the sane, logical choice. And you know that you love me. You’ve said so yourself.
Team Jacob: Yeah! Whoo! You tell her!
Stephanie Myer: Ahem, excuse me. As the author of this saga, I feel it is my duty to inform you, Team Jacob, that you are wrong, and your opinion is invalid. Jacob is not the one for Bella, because he is not Edward. Jacob, come here a minute.
Stephanie Myer and Jacob “Abs” Black: Speak in hushed tones, off to the side.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Wait, what? You want me to say what? Seriously?
Stephanie Myer: Hands on hips, stern look.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Okay, fine. Wait, let me get into “character.”
Jacob “Abs” Black: Douche Mode Powers activate!
Jacob “Douche Mode” Black: Bella, I know that you love me, and I’m going to prove it to you. Unless you ask me to kiss you, I’m going back to the Meadow of Reckoning, and I’m going to make sure that vampire babies kill me. That’s the choice I’m giving you: kiss me, or I suicide.
Stephanie Myer: Character assassination powers activated!
Bella Swan: All right, Jacob! Reluctant smootch! Hey, waitaminute… Smootch. Mmmmm…. Smootch!
Jacob “Douche Mode” Black: It figures. For three books, I’m the nice, hot boy from the res, and I get nothing. Myer turns me into a raging asshat, and suddenly Bella’s in love with me. You know what? You’re broke in the head, Bella. Anyway, I’m going to go eat some sparklepires. Catch you later.
The Cullen Clan: Do we get to be awesome in this scene again?
David Slade: Yep!
The Cullen Clan: We <3 you. Seriously. We’ve spent the last two movies doing everything possible to convince the audience that we aren’t actually vampires, and now we get to do this:
The Newborn Vampire Army: Attack the Cullens, and get smashed like brittle stone for their troubles. And it is awesome.
David Slade: You’re welcome!
The Wolf Pack: Woof.
Riley Biers: Hi Edward! I’m here to kill Bella! Thanks for leaving a nice, thick scent trail for us to follow!
Edward Cullen: …Goddammit. Riley, Victoria doesn’t love you! She’s just using you to get revenge for her lover, who we killed in the first movie!
Victoria: He’s lying. Really. I love you. Cross my heart and hope to…
Seth “Wolf Mode” Clearwater: Nom nom nom!
Victoria: Eh, whatever. Hi Bella! Hope you like dying!
Bella Swan: Wait, remember this part! Cuts her wrists with a stone.
Edward Cullen: Hey, Victoria, you know how I can read minds, and see what you’re going to do before you do it? Well, it helps me do things like this: Dodge, jump, parry, dodge, jump, chokehold, head rip!
Edward Cullen: Well, let’s get back to the Meadow of Reckoning. Oh, but first, let’s burn Victoria’s body. Good thing she’s dressed in gasoline-soaked rags!
Bree Tanner: Hides.
Cannon Fodder Vampire: Sparkle rush!
Leah Clearwater: I got this!
Leah Clearwater: Doesn’t have that.
Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black: Great, another woman that needs a man to save her. Let me hop on this.
Cannon Fodder Vampire: Smashes Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black’s ribs. And shoulders. And legs. And, well, pretty much everything.
Jacob “Wolf Mode” Black: Ow.
The Wolf Pack: Eat the Cannon Fodder Vampire.
Carlisle Cullen: Wow, that’s a nasty injury. Tell you what, take him back to the res, and I’ll be over to re-break every bone in his body, right after I get done with Dakota Fanning. Who is so creepy, am I right?
The Wolf Pack: Woof.
Bella Swan: Jake!
Jacob “Abs” Black: Hi Bella! I’m naked! Also: severely injured!
Jane: Hi… Cullens? Wow, I’ve never seen a clan survive an attack by so many newborns. Newborns with which we are in no way connected, of course.
Carlisle Cullen: Yeah, it’s a pity you didn’t get here earlier. You could have helped in the fight. Helped us, of course, because you are in no way connected with the newborn army.
Jane: Yeah, shame that. Hey, look, you missed one.
Bree Tanner: Cowers.
Jane: Big Volturi dude? Could you?
Big Volturi Dude: Could.
Bree Tanner: Dies.
Stephanie Myer: Hey, that gives me an idea for another hundred and fifty pages of nonsense!
The Publishers: Oh please oh please oh please…
Stephanie Myer: The proceeds of which I will donate to charity!
The Publishers: Goddammit.
Carlisle Cullen: Snap. Break. Reset.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Ow. Ow. Owowowowow! Whimper.
Billy Black: Thanks, Carlisle. Your service to my boy has taught me a valuable lesson: the (Very) White (and Cold) Man and the Red Man can live in harmony!
Carlisle Cullen and Billy Black: Respect knuckles.
Bella Swan: Jacob, thanks for breaking every bone in your body for me. It’s too bad we can’t be friends after Edward and I get married, and he murders me into the family.
Jacob “Abs” Black: Actually, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve decided that as long as you wear really strong perfume after you become a vampire, we can still hang.
Bella Swan: That’s awesome! And don’t worry… if a few weeks I’ll have a daughter for you to go all pedo on!
Jacob “Abs” Black: Score!
Edward Cullen: Well, I sure am glad that’s over! Now all we have to do is get married!
Bella Swan: And have sexy time!
Edward Cullen: And a spine breaking freakishly mature growth spirt damphire baby!
Bella Swan: Wait, what?