Connor Jordan: Hi Tyler! I just incapacitated every police officer in Mystic Falls using nothing but some bailing twine and my own sharp wits! And now I’m going to paralyze you, stick a thirty-seven inch needle in your gums, and suck out some of your fang juice!
Tyler Lockwood: …I liked it better when I was just subjected to unrelenting pain and terror on the full moon. At least I could plan for that. Stock up on whiskey or something.
Martha Stewarts Hybrid Home Journal: Ingredients: 1 part wolfsbane, 2 parts fang juice, 1 splash Doppelganger blood, vervain to taste. Simmer over a low heat in a bunsen burner stolen from the local high school, sprinkle with shavings of magic moon rock, let stand for 300 years, serve under a full moon.
Connor Jordan: Wow, the Mystic Falls Inquisitor has full-page articles on all of my exploits! I better cut them out and post them on my wall! That’s never bit anyone in the ass!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I have a cool motorcycle and a cool leather jacket and cool hair and a cool pack of cool cigarettes rolled up in the cool sleeve of my cool shirt! Don’t I look cool?!?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, almost as cool as I looked getting a wrist job from your “girlfriend.”
Stefan Salvatore: …I am so going to think of a comeback to that, and you better answer your phone when I do.
Damon Salvatore: Speaking of wrist jobs, have you seen Matt lately?
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! I feel really guilty about turning you into a human blood bag!
Matt Donovan: Honestly? You’re the only person who touches me anymore, so I’m on a whole “bad attention is better than no attention” thing.
The Lady of the Manor: You know how Elena could really thank him?
Thomas: A blow job?
The Lady of the Manor: Well, yes. Or she could heal his gaping fang wounds with her magic goddamn blood.
Thomas: That’s good too, I guess.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi kids! We’ve imposed a town-wide curfew! Because if hundreds of horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that teenagers always respect a curfew when there’s a crazed killer on the loose!
Carol Lockwood: Welcome home, Tyler! I’d like to introduce you to your new best firends, Redshirt One and Redshirt Two! They’re from Klaus and the Expandables Security, LLC, and they’re here to keep you super safe from that mean old vampire hunter!
Tyler Lockwood: How did you get Klaus to come back to Mystic Falls?
Klaus: I am very protective of my hybrids, especially now that I can’t make any more of them! In fact, I’m so protective of them that I’m going to sacrifice five of them in order to keep you safe!
Tyler Lockwood: … You aren’t real good at math, are you?
Klaus: Also, can someone tell me how to delete voicemail messages? This incessant woman has been calling me every fifteen minutes since last Thursday.
Substitute Sally: Hello, class! As you all know, Mr. Saltzman died in a tragic wombat frenzy last week, so I’ll be teaching World History for the rest of the year. Who can tell me where you left off?
Elena Gilbert: …What’s “world history?”
Stefan Salvatore: …What’s a “wombat?”
Bonnie Bennet: …What’s a “year?”
Rebekah: Hi Elena! Pencil stab!
Everyone Else: Is completely okay with this.
The Lady of the Manor: Elena really should know better than to wear white clothes in that town.
Elena Gilbert: I can’t believe Rebekah stabbed me with my own pencil! I’m angry! And hungry! And oddly turned on!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey look! Someone let a strange, heavily armed man into the school! Now he’s walking around bothering students! This place is wacky!
Elena Gilbert: Oh no! How will I ever cope with these two competing issues?
Stefan Salvatore: Tell you what … I’ll take care of Connor and Jeremy, you take care of your uncontrollable bloodlust. I’m pretty sure it won’t get the best of you!
Heather: Hi Elena! Rebekah sent me to bleed all over in front of you! I think she wants you to lose control and murder a bunch of people!
Rebekah: No, that would be way too cool. Instead I’ll just smear your blood on her face and head to gym class. I love making the boys cry in gym class.
Julie Plec: Hi everybody! I’m the executive producer of everybody’s favorite teenage monster soap opera, The Vampire Diaries! Windows 8 comes packed with all kinds of cool and useful technology! It let’s me connect with the fans in ways I never expected! And now deeply regret! And it helps me stay up to date on all of my latest death threats! Windows 8 is awesome!
@ILuvDamon696969: I hate you! You’re totally biased for Stelena! You’re ruining my life!
@Horny4HeroHair: You suck! You’re totally trying to force Delena to be a thing! I hope you get eaten by a pack of rabbit weasels!
Julie Plec: See? I was instantly alerted to that quick torrent of hate by the Windows 8 notification center! And it auto-corrected their spelling and grammar! Buy Windows 8 and you too can destroy the lives of teenagers around the world!
Connor Jordan: Hi Jeremy! I wanted to talk to you about … wait, why is this class empty in the middle of the day?
Jeremy Gilbert: Well, at least seventy-five percent on the teenagers in Mystic Falls have been eaten by someone or something. My sister’s boyfriends are responsible for most of them, but my ex-girlfriend got a couple of them, too. So did the captain of the football team and the head cheerleader. And let’s not even get into what the head of Prom Committee gets up to. And everyone else … well, they need to eat lithium like candy just to stop the screaming, so they aren’t really up for things like “learning” or “leaving their beds.”
Connor Jordan: Fair enough! Anyway, I wanted to talk about my magic tattoo, and how it means you’re (potentially) one of the Chosen Ones.
Jeremy Gilbert: I’M BUFFY!
Connor Jordan: Actually, Buffy is fiction. You’re (possibly) descended from a long line of-
Jeremy Gilbert: WHERE’S MY CHEERLEADER OUTFIT? I’M GONNA STAKE SOMETHING!
Connor Jordan: You know what? Let’s just run with it.
Damon Salvatore: Well let’s see … Martha Stewart article on homemade vampire poison, large, bordering on “arousing Federal suspicion” weapons cache, Dungeons and Dragons monster manual, newspaper clippings on all of the random puma attacks in town …
Connor Jordan’s Claymore Collection: Thwack! Twang! Sproing!
Damon Salvatore: …Godfuckingdammit.
Elena Gilbert: Hey, you know how high school girls are some of the most vicious creatures on the planet? And how the Hot Blonde and the Hot Brunette are destined to clash in an epic struggle written since the dawn of, well, modern American education? And how being a vampire makes everything more heightened? Well I’m unless someone comes up with a better idea, I’m going to find Rebekah, run her over with like a dozen cars, chain her up, encase her in cement, bury her at the bottom of the ocean, and then take the Magic Stake of Vampire Genocide and cram it straight up her-
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena, want to go out to the farm?
Elena Gilbert: Sure Stefan yes Stefan anything you say Stefan I love you and I love your abs and I love the farm and we should go there and make all of the little vampire babies just kidding tee hee vampires can’t get pregnant at least not until Season Seven when they’re really out of ideas and they have to hide the fact that the actor who plays Damon got the actor who plays me pregnant for realsies tee hee let me go change!
Caroline Forbes: …I have literally no idea what just happened here, but yay?
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Tyler!
The Lady of the Manor: Hi Faye! We missed you
Faye Chamberlain: Remember when we met in the woods, and then I chained you up all the time?
Tyler Lockwood: I sure do! And I also remember how you kept me from eating anyone when I turned into a wolf!
Faye Chamberlain: So, nice house. Wanna fuck?
Meredith Fell: Hi Damon! Why was your phone call so cryptic?
Damon Salvatore: Mostly because I figured you wouldn’t come if I told you I had been shot with a bunch of arrows tied to a bunch of strings connected to a bunch of bombs.
Meredith Fell: …That is an accurate read on my probable reaction. Say, Stefan and Elena are a real bummer, aren’t they? You know what would be an awesome way to get back at them? Screen-sexing his real-life wife!
Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Rebekah: Hi Matt! I’m throwing a “damn the man and screw the curfew” party at my new mansion! You should totally come!
Matt Donovan: Yeah, I totally would, except I don’t have a ride, because my car is at the bottom of a lake, because you threw it there. With me inside it.
Rebekah: Okay, so mistakes were made …
Connor Jordan: Hi Matt! Interesting bite wounds on your neck! And puncture wounds on your wrist! Why don’t you be a good chap and tell me who the vampire is, so I can kill them a ton!
Matt Donovan: Oh, it’s El … Rebekah. Yeah, Rebekah. Shiftyeyes.
Connor Jordan: Thanks Matt! Headsmash!
The Lady of the Manor: Slamming a quarterback into a wall once is certainly going to take him out of the game for the foreseeable future. You, sir, are good at your job.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Sorry I broke into your bedroom, but I needed the … bourbon. Yes, the bourbon. To take the edge off of my … vampire … ness. And yours is way better than Stefans!
Team Delena: LOOK SHE ADMITS IT DAMON’S IS BETTER THAN STEFAN’S WHO CARES IF SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT WHISKEY IT WAS TOTALLY A METAPHOR FOR HIS HEART OR AT LEAST HIS PENIS DELANA DELANA DELANA DELANA DELANA!!!!!!!1111ELEVEN!
Damon Salvatore: Your mouth might say “bourbon,” but the murderous look in your eyes says “magic original vampire slaying oak branch of doom!” So let me take my clothes off and I’ll help you look for it. Hint … the stake is probably in my pants, and taking them off will make it much easier to find.
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Connor! Even though my sister and literally all of my friends are vampires, I’ve decided to help you hunt them down and murder them all! Let’s start at the hospital! Meredith Fell used vampire blood to save my sister’s life, and I’d like to make sure that never happens again!
Elena Gilbert: Wait, Rebekah is at Rebekah’s party? I hate Rebekah! Hate hate hate hate hate! I hate her so much that I would say mildly unpleasant things about her at her feuneral!
Stefan Salvatore: …And suddenly I find myself in need of all of the whiskey.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! Let’s sneak out and have all of the sex!
Tyler Lockwood: Look, I’d love to, but the thing is … Klaus is back in town, and he’s got a pack of hybrids with him, and he’s all about protecting me from Bucky the Vampire Slayer, and I totally don’t have another smoking hot woman upstairs in my bedroom wearing a pair of slippers and a smile, why would you even ask that?
Klaus: So, everyone who’s had sex with Tyler, hands up.
Caroline Forbes: Hand.
Faye Chamberlain: Hand.
Klaus: What? That Sire bond wasn’t going to cement itself!
April Young: Hi Elena! I’ve been thinking, and I kinda doubt that my father’s death was an accident! For one, he had a really good sense of smell, and he would have noticed a gas leak! And two, he scrawled “I’M COMING BACK AS A GHOST T MURDER ALL OF THE VAMPIRES HAHAHAHA WHOOSH!” on the wall in his own feces.
Rebekah: Hi Elena! Nice Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight! Mind if I throw it in the garbage disposal real quick?
Elena Gilbert: :-(=
Bonnie Bennet: Hey, a chance for me to be use-
Elena Gilbert: Oh wait I have super vampire super speed I can just grab it out with my vampire fingers!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’m still super angry! But it’s okay! Damon gave me his stake! It was in his pants!
Stefan Salvatore: You do realize that using that stake on Rebekah will cause the True Death of like one-sixth of the vampires in the world, right?
Elena Gilbert: Anyone in the main cast?
Stefan Salvatore: No, but …
Elena Gilbert: So the problem is …?
Stefan Salvatore: Hey did I tell you about my motorcycle?
Elena Gilbert: Motorcycle I love motorcycles and I love riding on motorcycles and I love you and I love riding on you and we should go have hot motorcycle sex right now tee hee!
Rebekah: Leaving so soon? But you haven’t even done a keg stand yet!
Elena Gilbert: That’s right, and I never will! Because there is no way I would do something so juvenile and lame! Bye bye now!
Klaus: LOL YOU TOTALLY FUCKED FAYE AND NOW CAROLINE IS MINE LOL <3 <3 <3
Damon Salvatore (On the Phone): Hi Klaus! I’m about to murder a vampire hunter, and I was wondering if you’d like to start up a new bromance!
Klaus: LOL STEPHAN CHEATED ON ME AND NOW I’M GOING TO DO HIS BROTHER TO GET REVENGE LOL
Elena Gilbert: I’m the king of the wor- WHOMP TREEFACE!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Connor! The evil Doctor McFangBang is right there, in that dark, isolated room!
Connor Jordan: Well all right then! I’ll just wander blindly in and-
Connor Jordan’s Claymore Collection: Thwack! Twang! Sproing!
Damon Salvatore: Ha! That’s what we call karma, bitch! Or maybe irony. I don’t know, my brother’s the one studying for SATs, not me.
Elena Gilbert: Wink wink wink!
Stefan Salvatore: Nudge nudge nudge!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m all up in your brain, taking over your libido!
Connor Jordan: Hi Elena! I’m all up in your beer, spiking it with werewolf venom!
Elena Gilbert: Okay, aside from the fact that wolves are not, actually, venomous creatures … WHAAAAAARF!
Stefan Salvatore: You know, I might develop a complex if you keep throwing up every time I try to do the sex to you.
Rebekah: Note to self: take wolf-venom beer off the next imprompute, town-wide rave’s menu. WHAAAAAARF!
Matt Donovan: Hi Rebekah! I just dropped by to tell you that I hate every cell in your body with every fiber in my being!
Rebekah: Oh yeah? Well you’ll have fewer fibers to hate me with when I RIP OUT YOUR GODDAMN HEART.
Team Mashed Potatoes: NOOOOOOO! </vader>
Damon Salvatore: Hi Connor! Don’t worry, we’ll get around to killing you, but not before you explained this “great looming evil!”
Klaus: Because I thought I was the biggest, loomiest evil around!
Damon Salvatore: Also, we’d like to know all about your Legacy of Hunters!
Klaus: And you vampire poison!
Damon Salvatore: And your magic tattoo!
Klaus: Wait, what now?
Connor Jordan: Super hunter murder suicide powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon getting the hell out of here powers activate!
Klaus: Super Hybrid this guy intrigues me and may further my quest for world domination so I better save him (at least for now) powers activate!
Meredith Fell: Super hospital administrator oh God I hope they don’t cancel our insurance policy because of all of the explosions powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Why am I hallucinating you?
Damon Salvatore: Mostly because your vampire hooha wants a ride on my vampire joy stick, but let’s go with the whole blood-sharing thing for now, okay?
Klaus: Hi Stefan! I’m here to fix your girlfriend. And to get a new phone number. Christ I wish the people in this town would stop leaving me voice mails.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Klaus! I’m super happy that our plan to murder you failed miserably!
Klaus: And I’m glad that your ancestors and The Five Vampire Hunters … but we’ll get to that later LOL
April Young: Hi Rebekah! I’m cleaning up your house so I don’t have to deal with the fact that everyone I’ve ever loved is dead, either from cancer or mysterious explosion! Did you know that Mystic Falls has too many orphans, so instead of giving them to loving families they just hunt them down like stray dogs? I got shot twice on the way over here. It made me sad.
Damon Salvatore: Hi everybody! The sniper was in the supply room! But don’t worry, I blew him up! Along with the entire east wing!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: …
Carol Lockwood: …
Meredith Fell: …
Damon Salvatore: No need to thank me, this is just the kind of thing a hero does! Self high five!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Caroline! Do you remember hat you were like before you were a vampire!
Caroline Forbes: Ha ha ha nope we don’t talk about that retcon what retcon I’ve always been awesome tee hee!
Stefan Salvatore: Well becoming a vampire made you awesome and I want Elena to be awesome but I suck and not in a vampire way I’m afraid of making Elena suck but not in that way!
Caroline Forbes: Stefan, don’t worry! You’re smart and handsome and kind and wise and helpful and good and noble and a great teacher!
Stefan Salvatore: Oh no! Caroline has been replaced by an evil Doppelanger!
Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! Sorry I told Connor about the convenient gathering of vampire victims! Would you like a snack-
Elena Gilbert: OM NOM NOM TASTY QUARTERBACK NOM!
Damon Salvatore: Elena, no! You’re going to kill him! And that’s my job!
Elena Gilbert: Oh no! I’m so embarrassed! And quite ashamed!
Damon Salvatore: Eh, it ain’t no thing. You’re a vampire now, and you just need to learn how to be a vampire … and I’ll teach you.
Team Delena: Fucking explodes.
Klaus: Hi Connor! I saved your life because of reasons! And that means you’re worth more to me alive than dead! Don’t worry, that always works out great for people! Tee hee!
The Plot: Thickens.
Okay, guys. We have to talk about something, and a lot of you aren’t going to like it.
This wasn’t a fantastic episode. It was a good episode, better than a lot of the crap that’s on television these days, but it wasn’t the balls-out great television that we saw last week. And the difference between this week and last? Stelena.
There was very little Stelena last week. Sure, the triangle was a focus; Stefan and Damon were both doing their level best to pee on Elena’s vampire leg. But it was all about the tension. This episode had Elena and Stefan just hanging out … and every time they did, the show’s momentum ground to a halt.
Elena’s keg stand … I really don’t know how that got out of the writer’s room. Elena never comes across as cool when she does something like this … she comes across as someone who’s trying to be cool. And The whole thing with the motorcycle … just no.
I’m not sold on the whole “Elena hates Rebekah” thing, either, but only because of how it’s presented. Elena should hate Rebekah, but she doesn’t need to tell us so often … a few snide remarks and projectile pencils would be enough. As it is, it comes off the same way as Elena being cool … she doesn’t seem angry, she seems like she’s pretending to be angry, trying to be angry.
And then there’s Caroline, who vouched for Stefan’s vampire-teaching skills twice. On that I call shenanigans. Just because Caroline is awesome and her feet don’t touch the ground when she walks doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to become Team Stefan because her evil twin claims Stefan’s interesting.
But then there was the rest of the show, which was excellent.
So, Damon and Meredith? Yes please. Damon was eyebrow-fucking the shit out of her, and she was totally into it … right up until Damon blew up her hospital. I hope these two get more time together. Damon needs a wingman.
Damon and Klaus? I love them. Bad boys being bad together. They have amazing chemistry. They looked like they were having the best time ever when they were interrogating Connor.
Speaking of, that whole “arrows and claymores” thing was a dick move. He could have just set off the bombs, but no, he wanted to hurt his victim first, and then blow them up. He really is such an asshole. I love it.
When I watched this on Thursday, I thought that Connor survived due to his Magic Fading Tattoo. And since “only a hunter could see it,” I thought that maybe it was tied to the Magic Rings of Not Dying … like if Alaric had worn his long enough its magic would have become a part of him and manifested itself as a tattoo. But now I realize that Klaus just yanked him out of the blast. That makes more sense, but I would have liked to see a connection between the Gilbert’s hunter magic and Connor’s.
And then there’s Damon’s offer to teach Elena how to vampire. Not only is this really the only way she’s ever going to learn to control her blood lust, it also promises to be goddamn amazing to watch. I don’t ship Delena, but if her can turn her into another Katherine … you, sir, have my attention.
I have to imagine that every single house in Mystic Falls is up for sale, but whenever a prospective buyer checks the out the town, the shockingly, impossibly high murder rate makes them decide on a safer, quieter town … like Detroit. Or Philadelphia. Or Beirut.