Connor Jordan: Hi Professor Dumbledore! Thanks for sending me into a pack of werepire murder machines without any kind of hint or warning! Do you know how hard it is to kill one of those things?
Professor Dumbledore: You introduce them in Act One and then wait for the inevitable, three scenes later?
Connor Jordan: They kidnapped me! And tortured me! And took off all my clothes!
Professor Dumbledore: That’s a shame, really. Hey, speaking of nudity, there’s this witch in Mystic Falls that’s central to all of my plots, schemes, and machinations. If you could avoid putting any bullets or knives in her, that would be great!
Connor Jordan: I’m sorry, all I heard you say was “murder murder murder murder tea murder murder.”
Professor Dumbledore: Sigh. I’ll occupy her myself. With my
Jeremy Gilbert: Well, this certainly is a fine afternoon! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my sister is slowly transitioning into a blood-crazed, ravening monster, hey boyfriends are both serial killers, everyone I’ve ever loved is dead, and I’m earning minimum wage cleaning up after slovenly rednecks! Wait, what was that odd noise, over in those creepy shadows? I had better investigate!
Connor Jordan: Hi Jeremy! Let’s murder all of your friends!
Elena Gilbert: Dear Diary, I know I don’t write in you anymore, but since this show is called The Vampire Diaries, and since the whole point of this season is to get rid of all the vampires, I figured I should do my part to keep at least part of the title relevant!
Stefan Salvatore: Dear diary, I will be young, pretty, and powerful forever! And now so will Elena! This is terrible! Le’s see what we can do to ruin everything! Super Stefan douche bagging powers activate!
Klaus (on the phone): Hi Stefan! Another of my completely useless Ultimate Biological Weapons got himself killed by our favorite vampire hunter slash treasure map, which means he’s probably wandering around Mystic Falls with a syringe full of werewolf venom! I’m too busy digging up Italy to save your ass, so be careful! -XOXO
Matt Donovan: Hi Jeremy! I was really hoping you might actually show up for your shift today! Douchebag!
Jeremy Gilbert: Actually, I’ve been here for the last few hours. Just “chained to the radiator” instead of “setting up the chairs”.
Connor Jordan: Hi guys!
April Young: … Why do I still live in this town again?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Stefan’s not home and Stefan’s not answering his phone, so I came over to see if Stefan was in your pants! But it looks like Stefan’s off sulking about our little frat party!
Elena Gilbert: Frat party what frat party I didn’t bite anyone and I didn’t enjoy it and I certainly didn’t dance with you and if you tell him otherwise I will poke your eyes out with my nail file tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: …Give me your phone.
Stefan Salvatore’s Voice Mail: Hello, you’ve reached Hero Hair Enterprises. Damsels in Distress, press one. If I murdered your entire family when I went all Ripper last season, press two. If you’re an Original Werepire with a plan to fix my broken girlfriends, press three. If you’re a vampire hunter who would like to schedule a duel at high noon, press four. All other inquiries press five.
Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, dick move! We have nothing to do with your little rampage!
Connor Jordan: Um … so you don’t remember drawing my sweaty, naked body last night? Or when I stabbed April with a rusty butcher knife just to draw out the Salvatores? Or Vampire Barbie doing her best to get your pants off?
Jeremy Gilbert: Nope!
Matt Donovan: Nuh uh!
April Young: Everything about my life is terrible!
Connor Jordan: Vervain, mother fuckers! Do you drink it?
Jeremy Gilbert: Verwhat now?
Matt Donovan: Too bitter.
April Young: My mother was killed by meerkats.
Connor Jordan: …Killing you would be a favor. A favor I plan to give just as soon as I finish taking on four vampires, two hybrids, a witch, and the entire Mystic Falls police force by myself, armed with nothing but a pocket knife and my own withering glare. I like a challenge!
Every Cell Phone in Mystic Falls: Hi guys! This is Connor! You might remember me from such action sequences as “the choir loft sniper” and “the exploding hospital wing”! I’ve got all o
Every Cell Phone in Mystic Falls (five minutes later): Fucking 150 character limit! Anyway, I”m holding everyone you love hostage at the Grill. Come on down and get stabbed/shot/exploded!
Damon Salvatore: Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll kill him.
Stefan Salvatore: That’s not a plan! A plan involves everyone doing exactly what I say! Because I’ve proven time and again that my judgement if flawless and my intuition beyond reproach! And I’m totally not making deals with Klaus behind your backs! Why would you even suggest that!
Damon Salvatore: Really? Because I can move faster than his eyes can see, I’m stronger than him times ten, I’m pretty nearly indestructible, and I’ve gone toe-to-well-pedicured-toe with Elijah and lived to talk about it. So why don’t we put his heart in my hand, then go our for beers and babes?
Caroline Forbes: And my mom cordoned off the entire block!
Bonnie Bennet: And I can’t do magic, so I can’t screw anything up!
Elena Gilbert: That … actually sounds like a pretty great plan.
Tyler Lockwood: And I called in the Hybrids to help!
Tyler Lockwood: What?
Damon Salvatore: …Never mind, we’re fucked.
The Lady of the Manor: Stefan is such an asswad.
Bonnie Bennet: You wrote a book? Here, please take my panties!
Professor Dumbledore: Actually, I wrote three.
Professor Dumbledore: Okay, let’s get to work! But I have to warn you, my methods might be a little unorthodox!
The Lady of the Manor: His plan involves a twig. And some berries.
Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to poke me with your magic wand?
Professor Dumbledore: No, I’m just going to hypnotize you.
Bonnie Bennet: Oh. 🙁
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! You were totally right about Connor coming back to Mystic Falls! Also pretty much everyone in town wants and is planning to murder him a ton, so if you still want his tattoo treasure map, you better send in someone useless to get in the way!
Klaus: Well then it’s a good thing I’m not out of hybrids yet!
Damon Salvatore: It was really nice of Alaric to pre-pay his rent for the next year!
Elena Gilbert: And leave all of these weapons laying around!
Damon Salvatore: And these maps of the secret Mystic Falls tunnel system!
Elena Gilbert: Okay! So I’ll sneak it, flash my fangs, and offer myself in exchange for the hostages!
Damon Salvatore: Or you could not get yourself killed sue to a crushing lack of combat experience and/or common sense! Crossbow!
Elena Gilbert: Dodge! Tackle! Mount! Stab!
Damon Salvatore: …I am so turned on right now.
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: You are not alone.
The Lady of the Manor: You’ve got that right.
Connor Jordan: So you see, you fill the glass jars with nails and werewolf venom, then sink a blasting cap in the middle, and you have yourself a vampire killing IED!
April Young: Wow, this guy is three sandwiches short of a picnic, am I right?
Jeremy Gilbert: …
April Young: Like, he’s totally crazy, right?
Matt Donovan: …
April Young: I mean, you guys don’t really believe in vampire and werewolves and witches, oh my? Right?
Connor Jordan: …
April Young: …I never should have come home.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! I’ve got Alaric’s maps, Alaric’s vervain, and Alaric’s weapons. Let’s go kill a vampire hunter!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s a great idea! Except Klaus is sending us a hybrid, and we need to take Connor alive, and also Super Stefan stabbing my brother in the back – literally! – with a vervain dart powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hey! You’re only supposed to stick things in me!
Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, Elena! I have a foolproof plan that will save everyone’s life and *cough* restore your humanity! *cough* You just have to trust me!
Elena Gilbert: Trust you? You just literally stabbed your own brother in the back!
Stefan Salvatore: If I kiss you, will you shut up?
Elena Gilbert: Boy will I!
Caroline Forbes: Hi hot girl I’ve never met! What the fuck are you doing in Mystic Falls in general and my boyfriend’s house in particular?
Faye Chamberlain: Oh, you know how it is … you spend an entire summer with a guy up in the Appalachian mountains, totally naked the entire time, sharing the most intimate, painful moments with each other … when you need a place to crash, he’s kind of obligated to lend you his sofa.
Wally the Werepire: Okay guys, I’m gonna go throw myself on Connor’s grenade! Literally!
Faye Chamberlain: Okay, I hear what you’re saying, but have you considered maybe not committing suicide?
Tyler Lockwood: Or perhaps growing a spine and some matching balls?
Wally the Werepire: Dude, I can’t say no to Klaus! You know that!
Tyler Lockwood: Oh yeah? Watch this! Hey Klaus, yeah, Tyler here. Oh nothing, just wanted to call and let you know that you’re a big dummy headed poop face!
Klaus (on the phone): Oh really? Hey, does Caroline know you fucked Faye over the summer?
Tyler Lockwood: …Well played, sir. Well played.
Klaus: World record holder for cock blocking distance.
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Connor! If you let the hostages go, I’ll tell you all there is to know about your tattoo, your sacred order of vampire hunting dickholes, the magic sword, and the spot on the back of Klaus’ knee that drives him crazy when you tickle it!
Connor Jordan: That is an appealing offer. On the other hand, RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE MURDER KILL DEATH PUPPIES RAGE FIRE MURDER KILL!
Matt Donovan: Hey April? Can you watch the door while I inconspicuously chisel through five feet of concrete with a broken beer bottle and my shoe? Thanks.
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Connor! Did you know that not all vampires are evil murder beasts from the pit of hell? And that some of them are even nice, respectable people?
Connor Jordan: Hey Jeremy! Did you know that my best friend and fellow hunter got turned into a vampire? And that she promised that she could keep it under control? And that I cut off her head, ripped out her heart, set her corpse on fire, and peed on the ashes when it turned out she couldn’t?
Jeremy Gilbert: That’s way harsh, bro.
Connor Jordan: Bitch, if you’re ever going to be like me you need to shut up, pay attention, and learn from my example!
Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, bro? Being like you is not exactly on top of my bucket list.
Wally the Werepire: Okay, defused the grenades by the door, snipped the trip cord in the hallway, turned off the motion-activated murdertron, I’m room temperature so I don’t have to worry about the heat seeking sentry gun …
Connor Jordan: You forgot about the pressure mat hooked up to the claymore mine.
Wally the Werepire: …Crap.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m here to rescue you!
Matt Donovan: That’s awesome! I was really looking forward to not dying today!
April Young: My cousin was eaten by piranhas. In her swimming pool.
Connor Jordan: Hey Jeremy? Could you be a dear and stand on this pressure mat while I shoot Stefan a ton? Thanks, sweetie.
Damon Salvatore: UUUUUUUUGH! God, who did I eat?
Elena Gilbert: Damon Hi Damon glad you’re with us again Damon you see Stefan stabbed you and stole your ring and kissed me into submission and then he called Klaus and then he went to the Grill and then it blew up and now I’m scared!
Damon Salvatore: You know what? I hear Portland is nice this time of year.
Elena Gilbert: But Damon! I have to save Stefan and save my brother and clean up all the pieces of all the people that Connor just blew up!
Damon Salvatore: Let me toss out an idea, just for laughs. You’re super fast, and super strong, and you can grow fangs on command, and your friends are in danger and there’s a killer on the loose. Maybe, and I know this might sound nuts, but maybe you could just kill the guy?
Elena Gilbert: :-)=
Damon Salvatore: There’s my girl.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Connor! Please don’t murder everyone I love!
Connor Jordan: Murder everyone you love? That’s a great idea!
Jeremy Gilbert: Have you ever thought about getting your hearing tested? I think standing so close to all these explosions might have damaged it.
Connor Jordan: Hey Jeremy? Bang bang bang bang bang!
Elena Gilbert: Super vampire kinda saving my brother but getting him shot so we can have a cliffhanger before the commercial break powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire yanking Jeremy off the bombpad and hiding him behind a table which is totally explosion proof shut up! powers activate!
Connor Jordan: Super vampire hunter stabbing Elena in the heart powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire stake blocking Connor but keeping him alive because it serves my nefarious plans powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Super Elena wait what the hell just happened where did everybody go why am I so alone powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! Remember that cliffhanger I was talking about? Well here’s some vampire blood!
Everyone Who Receives a Life-Threatening Inury: Oh no! I’ve been temporarily inconvenienced!
Jeremy Gilbert: Thanks Elena! I totally didn’t think Connor was going to shoot me, since he said we were destined to be best buddies because I can see him magic vampire hunting tattoo!
Elena Gilbert: …
Jeremy Gilbert: Wait, what?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Sorry I literally smell like poop, but that’s what happens when you have to punch through the septic system because you’re brother stabbed you and stole your Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight!
Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan defending the bad guy powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon Jesus haven’t you figured out that I’m stronger than you yet powers activate!
The Lady of the Manor: HEART RIP HEART RIP HEART RIP!
Connor Jordan: I’ll … just be over here, then.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Connor! Fangs!
Connor Jordan: Super vampire hunter stake powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hey Connor? My eyes are up here. And my heart is slightly to the left. Also, Necksnap!
Connor Jordan: X-(
The Lady of the Manor: Yay! Elena grew a pair of … boobs? Something girly, because Elena is awesome now but she doesn’t have testicles. Also, I’m drunk.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon? Could I convince you to join my team if I told you there was a way to turn Elena human again, and that it required Connor alive and well?
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! What about Connor?
Stefan Salvatore: …Nevermind.
Bonnie Bennet: Look Professor, I appreciate you trying to help and all, but I just can’t get into hypnotism!
Professor Dumbledore: Oh really? Then why have you been sitting here for the last seven hours? And why aren’t you wearing underwear anymore?
Bonnie Bennet: You mean …?
Professor Dumbledore: I do!
Bonnie Bennet: I can light fires with my brain!
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Don’t mind me, I’m just digging a hole to bury a corpse that I created because Damon is devious and Stefan is shifty and I’m all alone and I can’t trust anyone and what have I done and what have I become and woe is me time to flip the fuck out wheee!
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Faye! I’m sorry that guy we don’t even know died! Let me comfort you!
Caroline Forbes: Hi guys! Sorry to interrupt, but fuck both of you with a rusty pipe!
Tyler Lockwood: Caroline, wait! It isn’t what you think! Faye and I are trying to help all of the hybrids break the Sire bond with Klaus! And we’re letting him think we’re together so he doesn’t get suspicious! And heart rippy!
Faye Chamberlain: Also we’re having a ton of sex. Like, constantly. I can barely walk.
April Young: Hi Jeremy! Did you hear that there was a gas leak and a detour and nothing unusual at all happened to day?
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi April! Hey, did you drop this vampire mind whammy defeating wrist charm?
April Young: Hahaha no, I would never wear something that tacky!
Jeremy Gilbert: PUT ON THE GODDAMN BRACELET!
April Young: Okay! Jeeze! Hey, did you know my aunt got torn to pieces by a pack of feral bunny rabbits?
Matt Donovan: Man, I am so sick of secrets!
Jeremy Gilbert: Secrets what secrets I didn’t get magic vampire hunter herpes from Connor that’s crazy we were always careful why would you even say that tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Thanks for leaving your diary out in the open. And by “in the open,” I mean “inside a lockbox, inside a safe, inside a locked room, in the cellar, guarded by a puma.”
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! Thanks for not ripping my heart out when you had the chance!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! So I assume we’re going to spend the next few episodes searching for another hunter with magic tattoos, right?
Stefan Salvatore: We sure are, Damon! It’s the one change Elena has to be happy again!
Damon Salvatore: I sure hope the cure doesn’t involve traumatizing and / or murdering the one human left in her life!
Stefan Salvatore: LOL that would be hilarious, wouldn’t it!
Elena Gilbert: Dear Diary, Well, it finally happened. After hours and hours of fighting my vampire nature, I lost control and murdered an innocent killing machine that stabbed an innocent girl at her father’s funeral, kidnapped my brother and a bunch of his friends, threatened my life and the life of everyone I love, and stabbed me in the stomach (because he failed anatomy)! That poor, poor man! Oh well, I’m going to go write “REDRUM” on the mirrors in my own blood! Tee hee!
TVD is the master of what I refer to as the “reverse cock block.”
Everyone – literally everyone , and I will broke no dissagreement – wanted Elena to kill someone. And even though I love Connor, a lot of us were hoping it was going to be him, because come on, bad ass. They hinted at the idea the entire episode, and set it up so that it was almost inevitable …
And then Connor got away. Cock blocked.
And then Elena found him in the tunnels, and she bit him … and then started having a conversation with him. And since Connor was so important to Stefan and Klaus’ plans (and the main arc of the season), it looked like he was going to live to manufacture explosives in his trailer another day.
And then Elena snapped his neck. Cock block reversed.
I’ve said before that a big part of drama is denying the audience what they want, to keep them coming back for more. But you have to give them something, sometimes. This show has the best of both worlds. They’re able to get us spun up, then dash our hopes on the rocks, and then fulfill them. Watching this show is a roller coaster.
Everyone seemed to love this episode, at least as far as my Twitter feed said. And don’t get me wrong, I loved it, too. But I actually think last week’s episode, the episode everyone hated with the passion of a million dying stars, was better. The reason? This episode wasn’t billed as anything other than what it was. There was no Delena cock teasing, no promises of smokey sexy shenanigans … they let us come into the episode relatively neutral. Because of that, the episode was able to stand on its own merits, and because of that, fan reaction was a lot better.
Jeremy becoming the next Hunter was completely unsurprising (mostly because of pre-season promotional material), but I still love the idea, and I’m going to enjoy watching him freak the fuck out on his sister, since he’s “the only one holding her together.” Also, Stefan and Klaus are going to be doing some very bad things to Jeremy in the near future, which will almost certainly drive Stefan and Elena further apart. To which I say: finally.
I like Bonnie and the Professor. They have a good dynamic, mostly because she sees him as an authority figure slash potential sex partner, which means she doesn’t spend the entire episode telling him he’s a failure as a human being and making constipated facial expressions at him. And if he can rope her into his vampire hunting crusade, corrupt her and make her a little bit evil? That would be delicious.
I do not love Elena’s guilt fetish, but mostly because the foreshadowing was less subtle and more a giant two-by-for with nail embedded in it, slammed into our faces over and over again. I think the scene where “murderer” is written in blood on the mirror would have been a lot more powerful if they hadn’t spent the last month telling us it was going to happen. Still, this plot line has potential.
Damon asked Stefan if he wanted the cure for Elena, or so that he could have Elena, human Elena, back. I love this idea. I said last year that it would be a delicious twist if Stefan rejected Elena because of her vampirism, and I would be thrilled to see that actually happen. Especially after she was so accepting of his minor cross-country murder spree. And I also love that Damon said he would still love her no matter what.
Finally: KATHERINE! We’ve missed you, Katherine. Please kick everybody’s ass until they stop being stupid.