Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’m off to school!
Damon Salvatore: …
Elena Gilbert: …
Damon Salvatore: HAHAHA!
Elena Gilbert: Wink wink wink!
Damon Salvatore: Nudge nudge nudge!
Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes: Bitch bitch bitch!
Team Delena: Fap fap fap!
Team Stelena: Cut cut cut!
Team Producers: Muahaha!
Wally Werepire: AUUUUAAAGHHUAHAUH!
Wendy Werepire: I’m starting to think that he might not be enjoying this whole “free yourself from Klaus via extensive acts of self torture” plan.
Tyler Lockwood: Well that’s too bad, because Wally is Klaus’ right hand man, and that means we can’t let him out of this barn until he’s playing for Team Tyler!
Hayley: And also I need twelve werepires to give to Shane to sacrifice to the fell god Moloch in order to raise Silas from his eternal prison so that he can let me see my (zombie) parents one last time.
Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?
Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon I’ve been thinking Damon about Stefan Damon and how it isn’t right that he doesn’t know we’ve been winking Damon and Nudging Damon and maybe we should tell him Damon!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena I’ve been thinking Elena maybe it’s none of Stefan’s goddamn business Elena and maybe we should not invite him into our bedroom Elena!
Stefan Salvatore: Guys? I’m standing right here.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Great news! Elena only broke up with me and slept with you because she’s been sired!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Go fuck yourself!
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! Caroline told me that you had to move out of your house because your brother wants to murder you! How’s that going for you?
Elena Gilbert: It’s going great! I may have lost a brother, but I gained a penis!
Caroline Forbes: …
Bonnie Bennet: …
Elena Gilbert: No, I didn’t grow a penis, I’ve just been riding on Damon’s!
Caroline Forbes: Yeah, no, we got that.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Stefan had this wacky idea that you might be throwing up bagged blood (and screwing my brains out) because you’re sired to me, so if you could just chug this down …
Elena Gilbert: This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten that wasn’t you!
Damon Salvatore: …Fuck everything about my life, literally.
Elena Gilbert: Okay!
Damon Salvatore: No, not you.
Elena Gilbert: :-(=
Hayley: Hi Professor Shane! I’m just rummaging through your desk looking for your files on my parents, information that I want so desperately that I’d gladly throw morality and common sense to the wind!
Professor Shane: That’s great! Just hand over Tyler Lockwood (and his hybrid buddies) and I’ll happily hand over this encrypted USB drive of doom!
Hayley: Yeah, so … that’s not going to work.
Professor Shane: Ladyboner for Tyler?
Hayley: Ladyboner for Tyler.
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Stefan! I talked to Tyler, and he says that the hybrids are sired to Klaus because he freed them from the horrible pain of monthly transformation!
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): But wait! Elena isn’t a werewolf, and never experienced a painful transformation corresponding to the cycles of the moon!
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): I don’t know, she did turn into a real bitch once a month …
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! You were right! Elena is sired! I hope you’re happy!
Stefan Salvatore: Yes, the girl I love is forever enamored with your penis because your dead drinking buddy’s psycho girlfriend happened to give her your blood before my ex threw her off of Dead Parent Bridge. I’m goddamn ecstatic.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you remember that girl I turned into a vampire because she started a Damon Salvatore(‘s Penis) fan club? Of which she was the President, Treasurer, Secretary, and Parliamentarian? And remember how she killed that guy based on a casual comment I made? Wasn’t that wacky?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Charlotte! I’m going to go find us someone to eat! You watch my drink and kill anyone who touches it! Winkyface!
Sailor Sammy: Hey, look! Whiskey!
Charlotte: Hey, look! A dead man! Super vampire taking Damon’s instructions way too literally because well you know plot and snapping this poor fools neck powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: …I wonder what time the bus leaves for “the hell out of here”?
Stefan Salvatore: So how did you deal with this whole sired girl thing? I assume it involves tons of raunchy sex and blood?
Damon Salvatore: No, it involves a black lady who did black magic to free my black heart.
Stefan Salvatore: I’ll call Bonnie!
Damon Salvatore: Okay, and while you’re doing that, I’m going to track down a witch!
Elena Gilbert: Okay, one bottle of hundred year old, thousand dollar wine for Caroline, one bottle of hundred year old, thousand dollar wine for Bonnie, one bottle of hundred year old, thousand dollar wine for me, and –
Bonnie Bennet: A bag of O positive for Caroline?
Elena Gilbert: Actually, that’s for me! Damon said that if I drank my blood like a good girl he’d let me give him a sponge bath later! Tee hee!
Bonnie Bennet: And on that note, it’s time to spark up some spirit tea.
Caroline Forbes: Are you getting high!
Bonnie Bennet: What? No! This doesn’t make you high, it just makes you pass out for seven hours and wake up with no underwear!
Elena Gilbert: That’s funny, Damon’s smile does the exact same thing!
Caroline Forbes: …pass the bud, Bonnie.
Stefan Salvatore: Man, it’s awesome being able to make it from Virginia to Louisiana in one commercial break!
Damon Salvatore: That TARDIS was the best investment we ever made!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, isn’t it wacky how Elena’s sire bond has blinded her to what an evil, murderous bastard you are?
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan? I’ve got a pot over here that would like to call you a fucking hypocrite.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I’m sorry I blamed you for turning me into the worst serial killer in American history! Let’s be friends again!
Lexi: This is where you say how glad you are to have your brother back and promise to never lead him astray again or I will personally tear your heart out through your butt!
Damon Salvatore: So, what are you up to now that you’re avoiding human blood like the plague?
Stefan Salvatore: Oh nothing, just driving a military ambulance through war-torn Egypt!
Damon Salvatore: …Yep, no human blood there.
Charlotte: Human blood? Did someone say human blood? I’ve got human blood right here! Super vampire ripping the throats out of a dozen innocent bystanders powers activate!
Hayley: Hi Tyler! What do you know about Alpha males?
Tyler Lockwood: Well, they’re … dominant, and … respected, and … people listen to them and … um …
Hayley: They get to see me in the shower?
Tyler Lockwood: Hold on, I have to go assert my dominance real quick.
Wendy Werepire: Hi Tyler! We were just playing a friendly game of pool! Would you like to-
Tyler Lockwood: Shut your idiot mouth and get your asshead buddy back to that barn and breaking his bones or some help me god I will ram that pool stick so far up your ass it’ll tickle the back of your throat!
Wendy Werepire: What was that? Kidnap and torture all of your friends? Okay!
Tyler Lockwood: How’d I do, babe?
Hayley: You’d totally be getting into my panties tonight, if I was wearing any.
Stefan Salvatore: So, where’d you leave Charlotte?
Damon Salvatore: Well, I called her a psycho and told her to go count every brick in every building in New Orleans, and I’d come and find her when she was done. But there’s now way the sire bond is-
Charlotte: Hi Damon I love you Damon and I missed you Damon and I did exactly what you said Damon and counted all 391,347,692 bricks in all 15,279 buildings in New Orleans!
Damon Salvatore: Seriously, fuck everything in my life.
Damon Salvatore: Goddammit.
Damon Salvatore: Please tell me you’ve lived a long, full life and haven’t spent the last seventy years pining away waiting for the day I eventually returned?
Charlotte: Of course not! I went to school and got my law degree and opened up a practice and then shut it down when I realized court happens during the day and I burst into flames, and then I opened a bakery that served only blood pies but then I closed it down because everyone else thought it was disgusting, and then I found my purpose in life helping orphaned kitten cross buys intersections at night!
Damon Salvatore: Oh thank God.
Charlotte: I just come back here every night and start counting the bricks again because it reminds me of you!
Damon Salvatore: Fuck.
Stefan Salvatore: Smirk.
Bonnie Bennet: Let’s dance!
Caroline Forbes: And drink!
Elena Gilbert: And have a naked pillow fight!
Bonnie Bennet: …
Caroline Forbes: …
Elena Gilbert: Okay, no naked pillow fight. But can we at least get in the bathtub together?
Bonnie Bennet: Sure, I don’t have a problem with that.
Caroline Forbes: Yeah, makes sense to me.
Elena Gilbert: I love this tub! Why don’t we hang out in this tub more often?
Caroline Forbes: Because of all the disease ridden skanks that Damon has soaped up and washed down in that germ-ridden, economy sized petri dish?
Bonnie Bennet: Um, Caroline? As someone who has alienated quite literally every being in this town, living, dead, and otherwise, this might be a good time to stop talking.
Elena Gilbert: No, please, continue … icy stare.
Caroline Forbes: Okay, you want to know what I think? I think Damon is a poopy head and a jerk and a cad, and I think Stefan is good and honest and true, and sure he may have left you and yeah he may have threatened to kill you and okay he may be the most successful serial killer in history, but at least he didn’t sleep around!
Elena Gilbert: Hey Bonnie? Can you use your product placement Windows Phone 8 to Bing “priorities”, because Caroline seems to have misplaced hers.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Nadi! I met your Great Grandmother a few decades ago, and she told me there was a way to break a vampire’s sire bond!
Nadi: Oh yeah, I remember you and her and that conversation! All you have to do is murder twelve innocent human beings, thus accruing enough malevolent magic to bend reality to your will! Or unbreak your girlfriend!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, I was really hoping that you folks had figured out a way to unsire someone withoutcommitting mass mur-
Stefan Salvatore: What? I can have Elena back for the low low price of twelve extras? BRB, putting out a casting call!
Elena Gilbert: Hey guys thanks for stopping by but the party’s over and you need to leave and also go screw yourselves!
Caroline Forbes: Elena, Damon is –
Elena Gilbert: Damon is Damon here I love Damon and I love Damon’s penis and I miss him and I miss his penis and I think this is the real thing and –
Caroline Forbes: He’s your sire!
Elena Gilbert: …Well, that explains why the sex is so good.
Wendy Werepire: Hi guys! Tyler made me angry, and I’m going to teach him his place by murdering his friends a ton! Especially the blonde one who I should think he broke up with, and therefore has no real affections for!
Wally Werepire: …I don’t talk a whole lot.
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Bonnie! Yeah, I was wondering if you could do a locator spell so I can find my girlfriend before the pack rips her into tiny, judgmental pieces. What was that? You used up this episodes allotment of magic making some light bulbs explode? Okay, thanks. I’ll give you a call if I’m ever in bed and too lazy to walk all the way across the room to turn the lights off. Also, jump in a fire and die.
Elena Gilbert: Hey Tyler, I know you kind of have other things on your mind right now, but could you explain how the sire bond works real quick?
Tyler Lockwood: Sure! So, being sired makes you obedient, but it doesn’t change your actual feelings. Like, when I was sired I obeyed everything Klaus told said, but I hated him the entire time.
Elena Gilbert: So you mean …
Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, you loveDamon because you’ve secretly got a thing for bad boys with dark hair and sparkling eyes, but you let him video tape you because of the sire bond.
Elena Gilbert: It all makes sense now! But wait, why am I even sired to him in the first place?
Tyler Lockwood: Well, the sire bond is based on gratitude. For me, it was because Klaus set me free from the pain of transforming into a werewolf. For you …
Elena Gilbert: It must be because of all the orgasms.
Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, that would do it.
Elena Gilbert: I mean, like nineteen, twenty a night. In a row. I was screaming out the names of gods I’d never even heard of. This one time he-
Tyler Lockwood: Okay, we’ve crossed over from “too much information” and into “I might think about this when I’m alone tonight,” so this is probably a good place to stop.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Nadi! I know that you don’t have any of the spell books I need to break Elena’s sire bond, and I know you wouldn’t use your magic for such an evil spell even if you did, but I figured I’d drop by and threaten you anyway!
Nadi: Hey, do you know what the first spell every witch learns to do is?
Damon Salvatore: It’s the brain ray thing, isn’t it?
Nadi: It’s the brain ray thing.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I enjoy watching my brother in agonizing pain as much as the next guy, but could you drop some season-altering exposition real quick?
Nadi: Sure could! One, there’s actually no spell that will break the sire bond. The spell actually opens the door to another plane, a plane of pure evil. Two, accessing that dark magic will destroy the world. Three, the craft that gives a witch access to that spiritual cesspool is called expression, so if you hear anyone using that term, you should murder them a ton. Four, you could break the Sire bond by telling Elena to choose for herself, but it will be way more dramatic if I tell you you have to force her to leave you and never think of you again. Bye bye!
Wendy Werepire: This little piggie went to market – snap! – this little piggie stayed home – break! – and this little piggie cried “why does everybody torture me why god why? all the way home! Snap crackle pop!
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Wendy! I’m going to murder you a ton!
Team Werepire: Hi Tyler! We’re going to murder you a ton … unless you come up with some amazing display of dominance, I guess.
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! MY ladyboner for Damon wasn’t the only thing heightened when I became a vampire! My suicidal martyr complex is absolutely raging right now! So please, tie me up, whip my raw, hurt me until I love you and then cut off my head!
Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, that’s nice Elena, but I was really thinking it might be a good idea to stick my fist through this chick’s rib cage and gently massage her heart until she calls me daddy.
Elena Gilbert: Nobody ever lets me have any fun! :-(=
Damon Salvatore: Hi Charlotte! As your Sire, I command you to forget we ever met!
Damon Salvatore: And stop crying!
Charlotte: I’m sorry, have we met? Also: :-(=
Damon Salvatore: Fuck. My. Life.
Lexi: Hi Damon! You know how you’re planning to go off to Egypt with your brother? And you know how he’s spent the last twenty years trying desperately not to murder every single human he meets? And you know how you just casually murdered twelve people because you’re too much of a pussy to properly break up with your girlfriend? And you know how every time Stefan hangs out with you he ends up relapsing?
Damon Salvatore: Do I look good in this uniform or what?
Lexi: You didn’t hear a single word I just said, did you?
Damon Salvatore: Well, we sure have learned a lot today!
Stefan Salvatore: I guess it’s time to head back home!
Damon Salvatore: But I lost our TARDIS key!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s okay, let’s hail a cab!
Damon Salvatore: Cabbie! Take us to Virginia, henceforth!
Carl the Cabbie: Hi guys! Go fuck yourself!
Stefan Salvatore: Looks like we’re walking!
Damon Salvatore: But now it will take the entire commercial break to get home!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m sorry I was a judgy bitch! Hugs!
Elena Gilbert: …
Caroline Forbes: Also, if you don’t start hugging back real soon, this is gonna get awkward.
Elena Gilbert: I would, but you have my arms pinned down. And you’re kind of cracking my ribs. And also? I’m pretty sure your hand is on my butt.
Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Hey, this seems like a great time to tell you guys that the brand of magic Shane is teaching me is called … Expression!
Hayley: Hi Shane! I finished breaking your twelfth werepire, so now you can do your black magic and I can see my parents again!
Professor Shane: That’s great! Here’s that USB drive, and here’s the password that will let you read the address to the cemetery in which their moldering corpses are burried!
Hayley: What? My parents are dead! Curse you and your tricksies yet technically true words!
Professor Shane: Oh, don’t worry, I can bring them back from the dead, right after I get done ushering in the end of days.
Hayley: Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your occult newsletter.
Stefan Salvatore: So yeah, long story short, in order to set Elena free, Damon has to make her forget he even exists.
Caroline Forbes: …
Stefan Salvatore: …
Caroline Forbes: HAHAHAHAHA!
Stefan Salvatore: HAHAHAHAHA!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! We need to have an awkward conversation …
Elena Gilbert: If it’s about me being sired to you, I already know! And also, being sired didn’t make me love you, it just made me into all those kinky things you wanted to do to my small, fragile body last night!
Damon Salvatore: I can’t be with you! It’s wrong!
Elena Gilbert: Does this feel wrong? Fcaetouch!
Damon Salvatore: …No, no it does not. Just … a little lower, please. Lower … lower … that’s the spot.
The Plot: Thickens.
I feel the need to point out that Damon and Elena weren’t the only ones who woke up together … Caroline and Stefan alsomet the rising sun together. The details of how they spent their night I will leave to your fevered, fanfic writing imaginations.
The timeline of this show continues to befuddle. This week we learned that Katrina is a part of this show’s history. A couple of weeks ago we learned that Fifty Shades of Gray has been published. The Scoobie gang were juniors in High School when the show began, but now they’re just entering their senior year.
I can only assume that this show is actually unfolding in real time, and that they’ve just been held back for the last three years because they never ever go to class.
Tyler got his own Crowning Moment of Awesome this week, and I have to admit that he looks damn good with a bunch of people on their knees in front of him. Wait, not like that …
On the other hand, I think it’s kind of funny that he gave a stirring speech on breaking free from Klaus’ manipulation and control … in order to convince a bunch of people to do exactly what he says, when he says it, no questions asked.
It was nice to see a couple of hybrids that didn’t die as soon as Elena flashed her thigh at them, though. Hopefully they will, under Tyler’s leadership, become a force to be reckoned with and not a force to be laughed at until they slink away in shame.
So Shane has been teaching Bonnie black magic. And not just black magic, but the blackest magic, the most evil, dangerous, destructive magic ever conceived (at least until we need a badder bad guy next season).
I’ve actually been enjoying Bonnie’s story this season, and I’m still rooting for her to turn into a bad guy … even an unwilling one. Having her team up with Shane and be introduced (unknowingly) to the dark arts was a fantastic idea.
It occurs to me that we could be seeing an entirely different show right now if Elena had been healed with Stefan’s blood rather than Damon’s. If Siring is a result of human emotions plus vampire blood, it’s very likely that Elena would have ben sired to Stefan, and that … would have basically ended the show. There would be no tension … Elena would have chosen Stefan as a human and as a vampire, leaving Damon (and Delena fans) with nowhere to do.
And honestly, I would be perfectly happy to watch Damon have his own adventures while Stelean canoodle in their Bedroom of Boring. But the drama between the three main characters has been great this season, and I’m glad that they chose to go this route.
Again, Caroline’s hatred toward Damon is absolutely, one-hundred percent justified. He didn’t just treat her poorly, he was outright evil toward her. And not hey I slept with the head cheerleader behind your back evil, but hi I’m going to terrify you and then murder you evil. But the way she’s been expressing that is just stupid. “Sure, Stefan’s a mass murderer, but at least he didn’t sleep around!” Jesus. You know what would have been a good argument? “Hey, remember that time Damon raped me a ton?”
And yeah, I know that this issue is murky. She slept with him of her own free will, but he compelled her once she learned he was a vampire, so … I think people can genuinely disagree about the implications of this, and not just in a Republican district. The thing is, it would be totally plausible for Caroline to see it as rape, and that argument wouldn’t have left us all wondering where our ray of sunshine went.
Here’s the thing: Caroline’s argument would have completely destroyed Delena. “Hey, your boyfriend raped me” is kind of a conversation ender, and Elena, sire bond aside, would have to perform a lot of mental gymnastics to keep that relationship going.
So what’s going on? The writers need a dissenting voice, a Stelena voice, just to keep that half of the fan base engaged. Caroline is the obvious choice, because she’s suffered the most at Damon’s hands. But, I think the writers realize how much of a bomb Caroline would throw if she really went after Damon, so she’s been limited to making the completely lame-ass arguments we’ve seen over the last two weeks.
So everyone that says none of the writers is pro-Delena? Think about that. They could destroy the new couple with one sentence, but that haven’t. They’ve gone out of their way not to. Caroline has suffered for it, but Delena shippers? You should be throwing the writers a party.
I’m also really glad that Elena’s feelings for Damon are not a result of the sire bond. Not because I’m a Delena shipper, but because I really, really don’t want Damon raping the female lead every week.
The workings of the sire bond are actually brilliant. There was no way for Damon to win here. He could have driven Elena away, destroying himself in the process, or he could have lt her stay, earning the hatred of everyone else and raising new doubts in his own mind: is she doing this because she wants to, or because I’m making her?
I think we’re going to see Damon spiral down next week, plagued with doubts about his new relationship. He loves Elena (and she loves him), but there’s always going to be a question about what Elena is doing of her own free will and what she’s doing because Damon. I think he’s going to go absolutely crazy over this.
And so is everyone else. Expect the rest of the cast to forget that Elena’s love is genuine and start hounding Damon over taking away Elena’s free will.
Also note: Damon would have taken away Elena’s free will no matter what he did. He could have forced her to leave him, and probably driven her back into Stefan’s arms, but would she really have been choosing Stefan, or would it have been Damon making that choice for her? But as it is, Elena’s love for Damon is real … but her expression of that love is outside her control.
Damn fine drama. Again, these writers know what the fuck they’re doing, and watching them work is a privilege.
Okay, here goes. Rape is not my favorite thing to talk about. It’s actually right at the bottom of my list. But, to clarify, I’m not saying Damon raped Caroline, I’m saying that you could reasonably interpret what happened between them as rape. You could also reasonably interpret it as consensual sex with a whole side of fucked up.
I agree with the comments down below that the final arbiter of that would be Caroline herself, and the fact that she doesn’t claim that Damon raped her indicates that she doesn’t consider herself a rape victim. But if she did, I wouldn’t argue with her.