Stefan Salvatore: OMG what have I done OMG I hate hatesex with Rebekah OMG my chastity in in tatters OMG how will I ever forgive myself OMG I have to get out of here OMG maybe if I’m careful she won’t wake up OMG she’s snoring that’s a good sign OMG what would Lexi think OMG okay time to activate my super vampire sneaking powers …
Klaus: Hi Stefan! It looks like you’re trying to sneak out of Rebekah’s apartment! Hey Rebekah! Did you hear that! Stefan’s trying to sneak out of your apartment!
Stefan Salvatore: I hate you so much.
Klaus: …Does that mean we’re going to have hatesex too?
Stefan Salvatore: So. Much.
Klaus: Anyway, Kol is running about with my Magic Daggers of Original Inconvenience and the Splintery Shaft of Sudden Slaughter, and since I really enjoy having complete power over you …
Rebekah: Go fuck yourself?
Stefan Salvatore: No, I’m good. Last night wore me out. I –
Rebekah: Not you, Stefan, him.
The Lady of the Manor: This entire show could be Klaus close-arguing and I would watch it every single week.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I have a fantastic plan!
Bonnie Bennett: You’re going to relish the fact that you’re going to be young and hot forever, travel the world, see the sites, rub the David, have torrid sex with anyone who catches your eye, and never regret a single moment of it?
Elena Gilbert: LOL no, I’m going to have my brother murder roughly 1.6 million potentially innocent vampires so that we can raise a world-ending monster from the grave so that he can make me
boring human again so I can finally enjoy guilt-ridden sex with Damon!
Bonnie Bennett: That’s a great plan, but does it require me to channel dark forces, violate the balance of nature, and commit grave acts of moral depravity?
Elena Gilbert: You bet!
Rudy Hopkins: Hi Bonnie! As mayor of this town and unfortunate progenitor of your mistakes, I’m making some changes! First, I am declaring Tuesday official Pot Roast and Potatoes for Dinner night! Second, I am lowering the speed limit on Dead Parent Bridge to a more reasonable 35 miles an hour! Third, I am passing an ordinance against schools of witchcraft and wizardry! Oh, and I dumped vervain in the town water supply and I canceled all school activities forever because people keep getting eaten. Love you lots!
Bonnie Bennett: …What were those noises coming out of my father’s mouth? It sounded like … parenting?
Kol: Hi Bonnie! I just realized that no one will be able to raise Silas from the grave if you’re too dead to do magic!
Bonnie Bennett: Hi Kol! I just realized that you won’t be able to kill me if I make all of the cappilaries in your brain explode with my brain! Super Bonnie pain ray powers activate!
Kol: I liked my plan much better. :-(=
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! It would be super extra awesome if you would let me the fuck out of this cage.
Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon Salvatore: Or maybe gave me some blood to drink, so I don’t turn into a god damned mummy.
Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon Salvatore: Or even a little bit of water, so I can style my beautiful, flowing locks.
Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon Salvatore: Silent treatment, huh?
Klaus: No, I think he’s just in shock. See, I walked in on him trying to escape from Rebekah’s bedroom this morning, and …
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, that happens every time he sees a nipple. Any nipple. He walked in on me and Alaric playing basketball once, shirts vs. skins, and couldn’t talk for a week.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I just wanted to let you all know that Kol is planning to murder all of us a ton! But it’s okay, I have a plan! See, I’m going to have you steal Rebekah’s dagger, then have Matt stab her in the heart with it, then have Jeremy murder Kol, then have one-fifth of the world’s vampires drop dead right in the middle of whatever they’re doing, then become human, then break your heart again, then have a bunch of babies with Damon!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, so that’s pretty much the worst in a series if increasingly horrible Gilbert Gimmicks, but let me focus on one particularly brain dead aspect, which is Jeremy couldn’t even kill Damon, much less a floppy-haired honey badger from hell.
Elena Gilbert: It’s okay Stefan! Bonnie’s going to use her magic first!
Stefan Salvatore: Then we are well and truly fucked.
Elena Gilbert: No I’m not! With Damon locked in your dungeon, I haven’t had anything betwixt my neathers since Damon-
Stefan Salvatore: Oh Jesus I’ll follow your plan simply because I hope Kol puts me out of my misery.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Kol, it’s Elena Gilbert! You may remember me from such exploits as “dying at the hands of your brother so that he could become an unkillable hell creature” and "dying at the hands of your sister because I kind of pretended to be her only friend in the world and then literally stabbed her in the back!
Kol: Hi Elena! If your brother invites me in, I promise to let him leave unmolested and have a nice, civil conversation with you about how bringing Silas back from the dead would be a very stupid idea indeed!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Well he seems trustworthy, and I therefore extend him a heartfelt invitation to cross my threshold!
Kol: Haha just kidding I’m an amoral sociopath who’s going to rip your arms off and beat your sister to death with them LOL!
Elena Gilbert: No you’re not!
Kol: …Yes I am.
Elena Gilbert: No, see, right here in the script, page twelve, Elena and Kol have a nice, civil conversation about how bringing Silas back from the dead would be a very stupid idea indeed.
Kol: Well fuck me.
Elena Gilbert: I can’t do that, silly! You’re not a Salvatore brother!
Rebekah: Hi Stefan! Thanks for helping me pick out clothes for the 80s dance!
Stefan Salvatore: No problem! I have an extensive collection of leg warmers poodle skirts!
Rebekah: Be honest, are you just sleeping with me to get my Magic Dagger of Original Inconvenience?
Stefan Salvatore: Of course not!
Stefan Salvatore: I’m also trying to punish Elena!
Klaus: Hi Damon! So I was wondering … you’re a raging asshole with a list of victims so extensive and varied that Todd Akin is offended by you, yet Elena dotes on you like a squirrle chasing a nut. What’s your secret? Compulsion? Manipulation? Blackmail?
Damon Salvatore: Twitter. Julie Plec was starting to believe that Team Delena were literally going to show up at her house, set it on fire, and dance around while she burned if me and Elena didn’t hook up.
Klaus: So if I hypothetically had a hypothetical crush on a hypothetically blonde hypothetical vampire …
Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry bro, they’ve got you covered.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Kol! If I make puppy dog eyes at you and let you teach me things and pretend that I don’t want the cure, can we call off this whole “murder me and everyone I love” thing?
Kol: Well gosh, I guess we can!
Elena Gilbert: Great! Hey Jeremy! Kol said he isn’t going to kill us, so hurry up and get back here with Bonnie so she can brain ray him, so Matt can stab him with Rebekah’s dagger, so you can stab him with your wooden shaft!
Kol: …Was that supposed to be in a text message?
Elena Gilbert: …Poop.
Matt Donovan: Let’s see … Rebekah’s got a bunch of naughty underwear, a ton of lacy bras, a personal massager, and no dagger. And I have a funny feeling in my pants.
Elena Gilbert: Kol, you’re just being silly! This is post-Christian America, and-
Kol: -And that’s the problem. You humans have forsaken religion and lost touch of what’s important in life!
Elena Gilbert: Aw! You mean like peace and love and hope and-
Kol: Fear. I’m talking about fear. You people should be absolutely pissing yourselves every time you stop to contemplate your vast insignificance in the endless, uncaring universe.
Elena Gilbert: -Charity?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! I need your help to murder an ancient death machine that recently clawed its way up from the depths of
New Orleans hell and into my living room!
Rudy Hopkins: Hi Bonnie! I have your cell phone and your car keys and I’m going to stop you from screwing up your life with magic!
Bonnie Bennett: Hi Daddy! You also have a blood clot and an aneurysm forming in your temporal lobe, and I’m going to stop you from living!
Abby Bennett: Hi Bonnie! I’m going to-
Bonnie Bennett: … ZZZ zzz ZZZ zzz ZZZ zzz …
Rudy Hopkins: Well that wasn’t the effect I was expecting, but … I guess she isn’t leaving?
Elena Gilbert: So really, I would never do something dangerous and stupid and potentially deadly to all of the people around me just so I could do the sex to a Salvatore brother!
Kol: LOLOLOLOL :-)=
The Lady of the Manor: Oh good! Another decade dance! It’s been days since the last one!
Rebekah: Okay, since I’ve been in a coffin for the last ninety years … WTF is so special about the eighties?
Stefan Salvatore: Are you kidding! The Cure! Bon Jovi! Princess Bride! Say Anything! Regenmoics! Slap Bracelets! Side Ponytails!
TVD’s …. Mature Audience: Nostalgia-based squee!
TVD’s … Intended Audience: WTF language is he speaking?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Elena! I’m here to carry out our genocidal plan!
Kol: Hi Jeremy! I’m here to make it easier for you to try!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: …
Elena Gilbert: …
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Run away?
Elena Gilbert: Run away.
Rudy Hopkins: Young lady, we are concerned with your moral character!
Abby Bennett: That’s right! Dating older men, “meditating” in his office, “accepting” his “magic bone” …
Rudy Hopkins: Also playing around with dark magics that will inevitably turn you into an evil hellbeast and usher in the end of days.
Abby Bennett: Well yeah, that too. Witch roofies!
Klaus: Where the hell is your brother? How hard can it be to steal a dagger from a dumb blonde girl?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, you probably should have clarified that plan a bit. ’Cause I’m pretty sure he’s slipping her the dagger, if you know what I mean.
Klaus: Speaking of something completely different, how did Elena feel when you tried to murder her brother?
Damon Salvatore: Wouldn’t be the first time.
Klaus: Damn you, how do you convince her to forgive your devilish ways?
Damon Salvatore: Orgasms. Lots of orgasms.
Kol (on the phone): Dear Klaus: Ur blood bag & ur hunter r trying to kill me. Gonna eat em. :-)=
Klaus: BRB, gonna go wreck everybody’s shit.
The Lady of the Manor: Ok, so when is Springsteen going to show up as a vampire in this 80s episode? He has to be one. I mean, have you *seen *that ass?
Stefan Salvatore: Great news! I found Alaric’s stash of day booze!
Rebekah: What’s up with you? You’re all … not boring tonight.
Stefan Salvatore: Listening to Bon Jovi makes me thing ok Lexi!
Rebekah: So did you sleep with that other hot blonde vampire too?
Stefan Salvatore: LOL nope I’m a prude!
Rebekah: Ok, let’s make a deal … I’ll show you my dagger if you show me yours.
Stefan Salvatore: Deal! … If Matt can come too.
Rebekah: You, sir, are far kinkier than I gave you credit for.
Kol: Super vampire ass kicking powes activate!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Super vampire hunter stake firing powers activate!
Kol: Super vampire really that’s your great plan powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Super vampire blam blam blam blam blam blam blam powers activate!
Kol: Super vampire okay that really hurt but hey look I just impailed you with your own house LOL that’s funny powers activate!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Super vampire hunter falling down the stairs and banging my head but that’s okay I don’t use it anyway powers activate!
Kol: Super vampire okay let’s cut off some limbs powes activate!
Stefan Salvatore: So you get a running start, then you skid, then you slide!
Rebekah: That is literally the dumbest thing I have heard all night.
Stefan Salvatore: It’s awesome! Just take off you shoes. And your skirt. And probably your top, too. Can’t be too careful, you know.
The Lady of the Manor: Stefan has the worst poker face in history.
Rebekah: …You’re just trying to get me naked, aren’t you?
Stefan Salvatore: Rebekah Mikaelson! I would never! I’m just trying to steal your dagger so I can turn Elena human so I can have sex with her again!
Rebekah: Oh, well in that case here you go!
Matt Donovan: Oh thank God I don’t have to go through with this stupid plan.
Rudy Hopkins: So you’re sure those witch ruffies will keep her down long enough to de-mind-whamy her?
Abby Bennett: Oh yeah, they should keep her unconscious for thirty, forty –
Bonnie Bennett: Super Bonnie bone cracking force choke powers of doom activate!
Abby Bennett: -seconds.
Kol: So the good news is I can’t actually kill you, because that Hunter’s Curse thing sounds like a real bitch.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Score!
Kol: The bad news is that I still can’t let Silas rise from the grave, so I’m going to cut your arms off and then heal you with my vampire blood, turning a perfectly healthy stud muffin into a mostly useless stub muffin.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Lame!
Kol: Super vampire meat cleaver powers-
Elena Gilbert: Super Elena I’m faster and stronger than Kol right now because the plot demands it powers activate!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Super vampire hunter it’s a good thing this guy was polite enough to bring the one thing that can actually kill him over to my house tonight powers activate!
Every vampire descended from Kol, good, bad, and indifferent: Also dies.
Elena Gilbert: Woo hoo! Gilbert genocide high five!
The Lady of the Manor: People who live in wooden houses shouldn’t leave vampires burning on the floor.
Klaus: One moment please, I need to compose my beautiful features into a perfectly British mask of rage and terror. And then murder the ever living shit out of-
Bonnie Bennett: Super badass brain pain slash magic room of not escaping two for one blue light special powers activate!
Klaus: Yes, I’ll just have a nice spot of tea, maybe read a magazine, and then devote my unending life to hunting you down and causing you misery that defies description. Oh! And catch up on Downton Abbey.
The Lady of the Manor: Why is it that JoMo’s pure rage always makes me hot?
Thomas: Because you have excellent taste? Or even a pulse?
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Rebekah, you know how you gave me that magic dagger so we could slow your brother down? Well great news! We don’t need it anymore, since my ex-girlfriend and her vampire hunter brother just murdered him a ton!
Rebekah: Do you have any idea what I am going to do to you for this?
Stefan Salvatore: …Lots of hate sex?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Oh no! My tattoo isn’t growing! And that means we just committed mass murder without profiting from it!
Bonnie Bennett: Jeremy, don’t be silly! It’s going to take until the end of this scene for all of Kol’s descendants to die off!
Damon Salvatore: Great news guys! When Kol died, so did my burning need to murder Jeremy!
Stefan Salvatore: Even better news! When I told Rebekah our nefarious plan, she agreed to join our team!
Damon Salvatore: …Did she make that promise when you were both naked, perhaps?
Stefan Salvatore: …Yeah, why?
Elena Gilbert: Dude, pillow talk promises don’t count.
Bonnie Bennett: Yeah, I totally told Jeremy I would stop messing around with black magic.
Damon Salvatore: And I promised Elena that I’d stop eating sorority girls.
Elena Gilbert: And I promised Damon that I’d – wait, what?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: And I promised Matt that we’d … um … hey, who wants to see my tattoo? And my abs? And my pecs? And these veins in my arms? And my …
The Shirt: Tears.
The Map: Completes.
The Plot: Thickens.
“Be the bad guy for a reason.”
That, friends, is the essence of this show, and that’s why I love it so. Damon is, and hopefully always will be, the bad guy. The things he does range from kind of naughty to downright evil, and I love watching every second of it.
Same story with Klaus. A couple of weeks ago he murdered thirteen innocent people, which goddamned Christmas carols were playing, at it was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever witnessed. This week he raged that his brother didn’t suffer and die on Klaus’ own terms. And then he promised to find, hurt, and kill our main characters. And it was brilliant.
And part of the reason it’s so wonderful is that Damon and Klaus have reasons for what they do. Damon will teach Elena to be evil, to hunt and feed from humans, to stop her from becoming pure Evil, from becoming a ripper. He’ll cut through a sorority house like a knife, but he’s acting out on his own self loathing. Klaus is existentially lonely, and when he kills the people who should have been closest to him, he’s just fulfilling his own prophecy. When Stefan was The Ripper, he didn’t do it because he wanted to murder, he did it to protect Elena. When he betrayed Rebekah, it was to save Jeremy’s life.
All of these bad guys have reasons. They aren’t bad because the script needs an antagonist. They aren’t evil because it’s exciting. In their own minds, they’re the heros of their own stories, with real hopes, dreams, and goals, and being evil? That’s just a means to what they consider justified ends.
Those are the kinds of villains that are fun to watch.
I have a few nits to pick with this episode, mostly the fact that Elena and Jeremy would never, not in a thousand years, get the drop on Kol like that. And, well, there’s also the fact that Elena and Jeremy are now the most successful murderers in history. But on the whole I just loved this episode so much that I’m willing to overlook it.
The scenes between Damon and Klaus, where Klaus was desperately trying to figure out why Damon could win Elena’s heart while Caroline remained immune to Klaus’ sociopathic charms, was brilliant. I’ve always thought that Damon kind of looked up to the Originals … they take “I don’t give a fuck” to a whole new level, and they can rip out two hearts at once. But tonight we learned that Damon has one thing Klaus doesn’t … a girlfriend.
And it wasn’t even cheesy, which it very certainly could have been. Instead, we get a wonderful glimpse into Klaus’ mind, and a wonderful speech on having a reason for your evil.
And when the Gilbert clan killed Kol? The look on JoMo’s face, the disbelief and sorrow and rage and pure, unadulterated vengeance, was a sight to behold. This man clearly deserves his own show.
I also love how self and culturally aware this show is. “Mary Sue vampires who don’t kill” literally made me laugh out loud.
And finally, Bonnie Fucking Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Finally, the CW gods have seen fit to answer my prayers and make her a badass. I love watching her get closer and closer to real evil, and it’s exciting to see her throwing around some real, reliable, dangerous power.
This episode was pretty damn close to perfect.