Profesor Shane: Wow, who knew that training for an ultra marathon would involve so much running?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Or dodging so many arrows!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Never mind, just be careful about that bottomless pit over there!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
Profesor Shane: I can’t believe these idiots actually believe me!
Damon Salvatore: What, what?
Profesor Shane: Nothing!
Stefan Salvatore: So Rebekah, I’ve been thinking …
Rebekah: Oh God.
Stefan Salvatore: And I’ve decided that it would be super extra cool if you forgave Elena and became her best friend again!
Rebekah: Okay, three things. One, stop trying to get the girl you’re currently sleeping with to hand out with the girl you were formally sleeping with. Two, Remember how your special little snowflake committed genocide last episode? Three, remember how they key to that genocide was murdering my brother?
Elena Gilbert: I don’t like your attitude, missy! Super Elena magic stake stabbity powers-
Rebekah: Super Rebekah I will chokeslam a bitch powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: If I am very careful, I can manage to get them to my wrestle in my tent to night.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Thanks for coming on the Epic Quest to Make Me Boring Again! Say, if we find the cure, will you become boring, too?
Damon Salvatore: Why yes Elena, I will join you and Rebekah in a threesome!
Elena Gilbert: That’s not what I asked, silly!
Damon Salvatore: Good thing I brought my handcuffs!
Bonnie Bennett: Okay Jeremy, I just have to carefully document your Magic Tattoo of MacGuffin Mapping, so take off your pants real quick!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Bonnie, the tattoo is on my chest.
Bonnie Bennett: JerJer? When a hot girl with an anger problem and a death ray tells you to take off your pants? Take. Off. Your. Pants.
Profesor Shane: But before you do, I should probably tell you that Silas’ crazy bitch wife created the cure for immortality hoping he would commit suicide and meet her on the Other Side! And that the Hunters were created to make sure he did!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Wow, thanks for the info, Professor Shane!
Profesor Shane: …
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: What?
Profesor Shane: Weren’t you going to take off those pants?
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Klaus! I’m just here to gloat until Team Elena gets back with the cure! Then I’m going to kill you a ton!
Klaus: Have you considered, perhaps, the idea that when an original is cured their entire bloodline is cured, too? Kind of like how Kol dying wiped out one fifth of the world’s vampire population?
Tyler Lockwood: I have considered the idea, and decided that the season finale will be way more exciting if there’s a chance you could die!
Klaus: You’re kidding, right? They’re giving me my own show. I’m about as likely to die as Elena is to graduate high school.
Tyler Lockwood: Shh! They don’t know that yet!
The Lady of the Manor: Joseph Morgan close-arguing with a camera would be a smash hit.
Profesor Shane: Oh no, my satellite phone has lost it’s signal! This can only mean we’ve wandered into a vortex of dark mystical energy! The vile power of necromancy surrounds us, threatening to steal our lives and our bandwidth! If only we could call for help, but alas!
Damon Salvatore: Or, maybe you just lost line-of-sight? I mean, we are walking through a forest. There’s like trees and shit.
Profesor Shane: Woe betide us!
Damon Salvatore: Is he always this dramatic?
Bonnie Bennett: Yep. This one time he had me dress up like his mother and … nevermind.
Rebekah: Let’s play a game to pass the time!
Elena Gilbert: Oh, I love games! Can we play the Everyone Does What Elena Says Even Though It’s Clearly Suicidal game? Or the All of the Boys Are Fighting Over Elena’s Girly Bits game? Or the –
Rebekah: Chop Elena Up Into A Hundred Tiny Pieces And Feed Her To The Fish game?
Elena Gilbert: I don’t like your games. Pout.
Profesor Shane: Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the last time I was here? And how I cut open my hand and invoked dark powers in order to hear my wife’s voice one last, precious time? And how she totally told me that all I had to do to get her back was arrange for the death of thirty-six people? And how I’m already twenty-four murders down?
Elena Gilbert: If I was any good at math, I have a feeling I’d be really worried right now.
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Hi Jeremy! Have an arrow or a hundred! Thwack thwack thwack !
A Mysterious Benefactor: Hi Arnie! Have a hatchet in your spine! Thunk thunk thunk!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! Have a bottle of water! I don’t need it, because I’m a vampire! :-)=
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: So did anyone else see … nevermind.
Stefan Salvatore: Check it out! A nice, cozy cabin! I didn’t know this island was populated!
Profesor Shane: Oh, it isn’t. I mean, not anymore. It used to be, but then everyone who lived her was brutally murdered in their sleep, their intestines removed through their nasal passages and their walls painted with their blood.
Elena Gilbert: I loved that movie!
Rebekah: Elena? Do me a favor? Say “I’ll be right back,” then wander off screen for a minute? Thanks love.
Damon Salvatore: Here’s an idea. Now I know this sounds crazy, but maybe we should not stop at Crystal Lake for the night, and not read each other bedtime stories from the Necronomicon, and not say “Bloody Mary” three times while looking into the mirror with the lights off.
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, don’t be a fool! We’re much safer camping here for the night than we would be walking through the woods in the dark!
Damon Salvatore: Of course, my bad. Why would a pack of vampires, immortal murder machines specifically designed to hunt in the dark, ever want to move around when we have such an unfair advantage? It would be way more sportin gof us to wait until all of the guys trying to kill us can see as good as we can.
Stefan Salvatore: So it’s settled! I’ll start making S’mores!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I was just wondering why you have such strong reservations about me becoming human again!
Damon Salvatore: Because TV Tropes, basically.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I just stopped by to suggest that hanging out with a grieving, murderous psychopath might not be the best idea you’ve ever had!
Tyler Lockwood: Caroline, relax! Klaus can’t even reach us from here!
Klaus: Nope, I sure can’t! But I bet this convenient ten-foot long pointy pole can! Sproink!
Tyler Lockwood: In hindsight, I should have seen that coming.
The Lady of the Manor: I probably shouldn’t find that so hot, but … yeah, that’s hot.
Rebekah: Stefan oh Stefan help me help me help me!
Stefan Salvatore: Um, you do realize that you are literally the strongest creature on the planet not currently trapped in Elena’s living room?
Rebekah: Stefan, honey? When a girl asks you to protect her from the things lurking in the shadows? It’s not because she’s scared.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I get it!
Rebekah: Thank God! So I’ll just doff my knickers and we can-
Stefan Salvatore: You’re trying to make me feel better about that time I made you kill a spider before I’d get in the shower!
Rebekah: …I don’t know why I even bother.
Bonnie Bennett: Hi Shane! I’ve been studying Jeremy’s tattoos for hours!
Profesor Shane: Great! Have you gotten any closer to figuring out the spell?
Bonnie Bennett: Spell? What spell?
Damon Salvatore: You know what, Shane? I’m starting to think we can’t trust you!
Profesor Shane: Don’t be ridiculous! I mean sure, I arranged the murder of dozens of people! And yeah, I taught Bonnie the same magic that murdered my wife! And okay, I kind of plan to unleash the apocalypse just so I can play Seven Minutes in Heaven with my ex! But other than that, when have I ever misled you?
Bonnie Bennett: When you said “just the tip?”
Profesor Shane: Other than that!
Nick the Nefarious Native: Hi Jeremy! I’ll be your kidnapper this evening!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Um, I think you want my sister. She’s in the Hello Kitty tent two doors down.
Caroline Forbes: OMG OMG OMG OMG I’M GOING TO DIE OMG OMG OMG!
Tyler Lockwood: Caroline, relax! It’s only a flesh wound!
Klaus: Yeah, remember that part where I’m also a werewolf? And my bite is fatal to vampires? And the only cure is my blood?
Tyler Lockwood: …Well fuck me.
Caroline Forbes: Sorry, to busy hallucinating to death!
Tyler Lockwood: It’s okay Caroline, I’ll fix this!
Caroline Forbes: Any time would be just fine!
Tyler Lockwood: Behold my awesome powers! Um, Klaus? Little help here?
Klaus: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of all the shits I don’t give.
Profesor Shane: Well, in a completely unforeseen turn of events, in which I certainly played no part, Jeremy has gone missing! I know, why don’t we split up into groups based on how much we hate each other, walk around the island getting nearly killed by a bunch of Raiders of the Lost Arc -era traps, learn some valuable lessons about each other, then meet back here for the unveiling of my nefarious plan!
Damon Salvatore: Well that plan certainly has its merits, but I think I’m going to go back to an old standby and torture you until you tell me everything I want to know.
Elena Gilbert: Damon, you don’t have to torture him! I’ll tell you everything!
Damon Salvatore: …
Elena Gilbert: My ticklish spot is behind my left knee!
Damon Salvatore: facepalm
Bonnie Bennett: Okay, I’ll just use Jeremy’s sweater and the fell powers of Silas’ evil wife Ketsia to cast a tracking spell that will … burn the whole island down, basically.
Elena Gilbert: Hey Stefan, I was just wondering … did you bring Rebekah just as your sleepaway camp booty call, or were you also hoping to finally murder the evil bitch after she turns human?
Rebekah: Oh, you want to play the “who’s more evil game?”
Elena Gilbert: You murdered me, you blonde ski bunny from hell!
Rebekah: And you committed genocide so you can have guilt-free sex with the man who practically invented guilt-free sex, you vapid discount prom queen!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, this is a weird place to leave a bunch of tightly-wound ropes and sharp, pointy sticks!
Rebekah: Super Rebekah saving Elena’s ass just so I can keep making fun of her powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Okay, so I am morally obligated to thank you for that … but I’m still going to pour Nair in your shampoo tonight.
Caitlin Shane: Hi Shane! So the good news is we can totally be together again! The bad news is you have to murder thirty-six people to free me from death’s icy grip!
Profesor Shane: Babe, I’m a vegan for fuck’s sake. I can’t pull off that kind of mayhem!
Caitlin Shane: But here’s the catch! The people you murder will all come back to life once Silas is free!
Profesor Shane: Oh well in that case-
Caitlin Shane: Because of the ensuing zombie apocalypse!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what now?
Caitlin Shane: Nothing!
Profesor Shane: Um, Damon? What’s with the creepy grin?
Damon Salvatore: What? Oh, sorry, I was just daydreaming about torturing you, healing you with my blood, and then torturing you some more.
Tyler Lockwood: Great news, Caroline! I’ve figured out how to avoid watching you die!
Caroline Forbes: Oh Tyler, that’s great news!
Tyler Lockwood: Here you go Klaus! You can hang out with our girlfriend while she dies. I’m gonna go watch Sports Center!
Caroline Forbes: facepalm
Damon Salvatore: Okay! Let’s tie you up, break your fingers, and bury this cure!
Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! You promised me that I’m the only one you’ll tie up! Shane, I’m so sorry Damon hurty you!
Profesor Shane: No, it’s cool. I’m kind of a pain slut.
Elena Gilbert: Damon Marie Salvatore! What have we said about torture!
Damon Salvatore: Look, I am trying really hard to keep my awesome under control, but I swear to God I am about three episodes away from flipping the fuck out, murdering an entire sorority, and running off to find Katherine.
Elena Gilbert: But Damon! If we find the cure, we can be human together! We can have kids together, and change diapers together, and get jobs together, and work in an office together for the next forty years, and grow old together, and get wrinkly together, and become incontinent together, and … wait, I had a point here, let me start over.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! Did I ever tell you that I think you’re super nice and really awesome and totally hot? And that the only thing that would make you even better was if you all worshiped at the altar of Elena Gilbert like the rest of us?
Rebekah: For fuck’s sake, you talk about that girl like she’s Jesus Christ in a Henley. Are you completely incapable of remembering that she murdered two of my brothers?
Stefan Salvatore: No, we remember, it’s just that we kind of don’t care. Hell, I murdered like six hundred girls last summer, and everyone still loves me. Damon used to hand out rapes like candy. Remember Alaric? Elena’s legal guardian? And remember how we raided his stash of high school booze last episode? You know how everybody loves Caroline? Everyone except the families of the two cops she ate, I mean?
Rebekah: Holy shit … you’re actually this show’s bad guys.
Stefan Salvatore: We make psychopathy look good, baby.
Caroline Forbes: Hey, you remember that time you told me about seeing the world and living forever and riding ponies and crap?
Klaus: I sure do! Say, all this nostalgia is making me randy! Would you like a goodbye shag?
Caroline Forbes: No, I’m good. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to fuck your brains out, but I’m busy dying from a poisonous bite you gave me.
Klaus: Wait a minute! If I save you from your me-inflicted injuries, you’ll be one step closer to falling in love with me! Brilliant!
The Lady of the Manor: If JoMo doesn’t win all the Emmys …
Elena Gilbert: Hey look, everybody’s disappeared!
Rebekah: Well that clearly means you’re all trying to betray me, so I think I’m going to get my murder on!
Elena Gilbert: Rebekah, wait! As a token of my friendship, let me give you the Magic Stake of Vampire Slaying!
Rebekah: Why is it vibrating?
Elena Gilbert: Sorry, wrong stake!
Profesor Shane: Hi Jeremy! Hi Bonnie! So who wants to make some morally ambiguous magic?
Billy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Damon! Would you mind terribly laying down and letting me briefly break your neck? We’ve got to have a cliffhanger at the end of the show. You know, contractual obligations and all.
Damon Salvatore: Why of course good sir! Always happy to oblige a fellow thespian!
The Plot: Thickens.
“I used to miss being human. Now, I can’t think of anything more miserable.”
I loved that statement. I love the fact that Damon loves being a vampire, even when he hates it.
Remember way back when I said we want our characters miserable? When I said that drama comes from denying the character and the audience what they want?
That was certainly true of Klaus, both last week and this. JoMo takes misery and spins it into pure gold. He can be completely evil and totally sympathetic all at once. It’s brilliant.
But what Damon said? That doesn’t bode well. In fact, given how tight the writing on this show generally is, I’d day that it’s damn near certain that only one vampire is going to be made human, and his name is Damon.
That makes sense from a dramatic point of view. Stefan will still wallow in his Anne Rice misery. Rebekah will be denied the joy of children or whatever the hell she’s all on about. Elena will still be cursed with awesome.
And Damon, the only one who likes being a vampire, will lose the one thing he wants.
It will be temporary, but I’m still not looking forward to it. I am kind of giddy, though, at the idea of Damon being sired to Elena.
I kind of wish this show was about vampires again. I mean, yeah, ninety percent of the people on this episode were vampires, but it’s not about them being vampires. We rarely see them fang out anymore, or stake anyone, or feed. I think this show needs to remind us that vampires are dark, dangerous, and sexy. Give us a reason to fear the cure. And give us a reason to celebrate when the cure is, well, cured.