Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m valedictorian!
Matt Donovan: And I got a full ride college scholarship!
Bonnie Bennett: And I have an actual, interesting plot line!
Elena Gilbert: Huh. Back at school. Yep, the Salvatores have finally resorted to torture.
Damon Salvatore: So Elena, are you ready to turn your humanity back on yet?
Elena Gilbert: Go fuck yourself with a silver-coated wooden stake.
Stefan Salvatore: COme on, Elena! We need you to turn your humanity back on!
Elena Gilbert: What, because I’m evil? Because I’ve killed people? Because I’m naughty?
Damon Salvatore: No, we just really enjoy fighting over you, and it’s no fun if you aren’t into it.
Caroline Forbes: Guys, you’re going about this all wrong! You can’t reach Elena with pain and misery! You need to use Girl Powerª!
Damon Salvatore: Caroline, Elena isn’t the girl you knew! She’s mean, spiteful, off-putting …
Caroline Forbes: Please, I’m the head cheerleader! I can handle a girl making rude comments!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, if you say so …
Caroline Forbes: Oh fuck this horrible bitch! Super Caroline neck snapping powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Worth it! X-[
Rebekah: Hi Matt how’s it going Matt it’s nice of you to stop by and drink with me Matt!
Matt Donovan: Um, yeah, I work here. Not exactly a surprise that I showed up.
Rebekah: I want to have your babies!
Matt Donovan: I want to have enough money to pay make my car payment this month.
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! Just checking in to make sure everything’s going all right! Studying for finals,getting enough rest, not making deals with a guy who wants to tear down the veil between worlds, unleashing untold hell upon the earth, stuff like that!
Bonnie Bennett (on the phone): Caroline! Of course I’m not making deals with a guy who wants to tear down the veil between worlds, unleashing untold hell upon the earth! Who do you think I am?
Katherine Pierce: Hi Bonnie! Ready to make a deal with a chick who wants to tear down the veil between worlds, unleashing untold hell upon the earth?
Bonnie Bennett: Boy am I!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, we’ve got Elena tied to a chair, we’re all alone with no one to hear her scream … wow, so many of my dreams start off that way.
Damon Salvatore: Just one more thing … I’m going to need that Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight. You know the rules! Bad girls don’t get nice jewelry!
Stefan Salvatore: …Then why was Elena always talking about the pearl necklace you gave her?
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, we’re going to bake you in the sunlight until you do what we say!
Elena Gilbert: Just so you know? Neither of you is ever getting laid again.
Stefan Salvatore: This is going to hurt us more than it hurts you!
Damon Salvatore: Except for the fact that you’re going to be the one that’s literally on fire.
Stefan Salvatore: Boom! Roasted!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I ordered you a cap and gown! For graduation!
Matt Donovan: That’s nice, except for the fact that I’m failing French!
Caroline Forbes: Matt! Why didn’t you ask me to help you study?
Matt Donovan: … HAHAHAHA gasp HAHAHAHAHA oh, that’s funny! Do you even remember where the school is? When was the last time you were in a classroom? Can you even name one teacher who isn’t Alaric?
Rebekah: Have no fear! I have arrived, bearing gifts of pizza, the wisdom acquired over a thousand years, and bosoms so perky that they belie my great age! I’ll help you study! Repeat after me! “Je vais mourir ce soir!”
Matt Donovan: Gee vase morning sea saw?
Rebekah: Or I could just compel you good grades.
Caroline Forbes: Facepalm
Caroline Forbes: Oh no! I have dropped the keys to my 2013 Ford Fiesta, which gets a combined 34 miles per gallon, and comes loaded with all kinds of cool technology! I sure hope nothing evil–yet sexy–is lurking on the other side!
Klaus: Hi Caroline!
Bonnie Bennett: Okay, so Silas wants to drop the veil between worlds, take the cure, and murder himself a ton. To do that, I need you to give me the tombstone you stole from his grave site on the Island of Misfit Vampires.
Katherine Pierce: And in exchange for this, I get …?
Bonnie Bennett: To set up the cliffhanger at the end of the episode!
Elena Gilbert: You know what sucks?
Damon Salvatore: Being lit on fire by your two ex boyfriends?
Elena Gilbert: Well, yes, but I was actually thinking about being sired to you! God, all of that dirty, dirty sex, all of that passionate physicality, all of that … what?
Damon Salvatore: I’ll be in my bunk.
Stefan Salvatore: Me too.
Elena Gilbert: Okay, and I’m gonna do my best Katniss Everdeen impression.
Damon Salvatore: What?
Elena Gilbert: The Girl on Fire? Super Elena Self Immolation Powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: This isn’t what we planned.
Damon Salvatore: To be fair, we should have seen it coming. Her mother did herself the same way. Speaking of, didn’t I turn her mother into a vampire, too?
Stefan Salvatore: Kinky.
Damon Salvatore: :-)=
Damon Salvatore: Well, we’re clearly in over our heads. Elena is just too smart for us!
Stefan Salvatore: I know! We need to bring in outside help! Someone who will gladly come to our aid! Someone who will work for our best interests and never, ever betray us!
Damon Salvatore: Or we could call Katherine!
Stefan Salvatore: That works, too!
Klaus: So yeah, just stopped by to say my goodbyes before ducking down to New Orleans to bang a blonde bartender with a black belt.
Caroline Forbes: Oh Klaus! I love you and I hate you all at once!
Klaus: LOL JK I’m Silas and I’m going to stab you in the gut with my brain HAHAHA TROLOLO!
Matt Donovan: Okay, I’ve figured out what I’m going to do!
Rebekah: Study really hard and hope for the best?
Matt Donovan: Nope! Forget school all together and whore myself out as a product placement spokesperson! Hey AT&T Translate, how do I say “when will Caroline get back from the train station” in Italian?
AT&T Translate: “Sto per morire stanotte!”
Matt Donovan: Stopper mirror Stan’s net?
Rebekah: Really, I could just compel you good grades. Take me like ten seconds. And then instead of wasting a bunch of time studying, we could just get naked a ton!
Katherine Pierce: Hi loosers! So I hear you all got someone who needs torturing?
Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! I’m learning Swedish on my smartphone!
Caroline Forbes: Run Matt Run Silas is after me and he’ll kill you to get to Bonnie!
Matt Donovan: LOL JK I’m Silas and I’m going to murder your mother HAHAHA TROLOLO!
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Mom! It’s me, Caroline! Listen, you’re in terrible danger, and it would take me like five seconds to explain it, but instead I’ll just give you a vague warning that will probably just make you confused and then dead! XOXO -C
Silas: Hi Caroline! I’m going to be Freddy Kruger for Halloween!
Caroline Forbes: And I’m going to watch myself run you over in my 2013 Ford Fiesta with my 2013 Ford Fiesta’s backup camera!
Katherine Pierce: Hi Elena! I’m supposedly here to torture the humanity back into you, but instead I’m going to gouge out your eyeballs until you tell me what you did to turn Elijah against me!
Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, I just told him that he could see me naked, and reminded him that I’m not dragging five centuries of baggage around with me.
Katherine Pierce: Huh. Yeah, that makes sense, actually. Well, in order to start building up that baggage and getting me back in the game, I think I’ll set you free to rape, pillage, and murder your way through the human population of Mystic Falls!
Matt Donovan: Did somebody say my name?
Katherine Pierce: Wow, all that torture really works up a thirst!
Stefan Salvatore: Um, guys? Did someone take Elena out for a walk?
Katherine Pierce: But nothing makes me crave whiskey like good old fashioned betrayal!
Damon Salvatore: God damn it, it only we could have foreseen your completely unprecedented double cross! Anyway, Matt? We need bait, so go cut yourself shaving and get in the car.
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! Silas is going to torture me to death unless I give you to him, so could you do a girl a favor?
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Caroline! I’m totally your mother and not a guy who can get inside your brain with my brain!
Caroline Forbes: Oh yeah, well then what happens if I … call your cell phone?!?
Sheriff Liz Forbes: It will ring and I will pick it up and it will totally not be an hallucination I placed inside your mind with my magic powers.
Caroline Forbes: Mommy!
Elena Gilbert: So. Hungry. Must. Eat. Football. Player.
Matt Donovan: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! :-)=
Bonnie Bennett: Hi Caroline! I’m here to rescue you!
Silas: Hi Caroline! I’m here to collect my witch and murder your mother!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: X-[
Caroline Forbes: That’s cool, I’ll just use my collection of heroine needles to inject her with vampire blood, possibly turning her into an undead monster!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: I just want a nap.
Damon Salvatore: Wait wait wait, you can’t kill Matt! I’m gonna kill Matt!
Elena Gilbert: Um, what?
Matt Donovan: Um, what?
Damon Salvatore: Because if you kill Matt it’s just another notch on your belt, but if I kill Matt it will be an emotionally devastating moment that restores your humanity!
Elena Gilbert: That … doesn’t makes sense.
Matt Donovan: At all.
Damon Salvatore: Oh well! Super vampire breaking the quarterback’s neck and my evil ex’s heart powers activate!
Matt Donovan: X-[
Elena Gilbert: :-(= :-(= :-(=
Damon Salvatore: Wait, is that someone’s humanity I smell?
Matt Donovan: No, it’s me pissing myself after losing bladder control after getting my spinal column severed.
Elena Gilbert: This is the worst thing that has ever happened that I was totally going to do myself five seconds ago!
Matt Donovan: Well then it’s a good thing I’m wearing the Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying!
Elena Gilbert: <3 <3 <3
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, aren’t you still upset about your brother dying? And all those people you murdered?
Elena Gilbert: :-(= :-(= :-(=
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm
Matt Donovan: AUGH! RAUH! FAUGH! HOWRAH!
Rebekah: Wow, coming back from the dead looks like it sucks.
Matt Donovan: Almost as much as failing high school! Hey, how do you say “the cat sat on the king’s throne” in Spanish?
Rebekah: “Mor’ anoche.”
Matt Donovan: More nachos? Yes please!
Rebekah: Look, you’ve been a really nice guy to me and to everyone, and it’s kind of our fault that your life is terrible, so I promise to do whatever it takes to make thing right.
Matt Donovan: Wow, that’s really nice! I can’t believe–
Rebekah: I mean, until I up and leave for New Orleans in a couple of days.
Matt Donovan: Yeah, that’s more like it.
Katherine Pierce: So, about this whole tombstone thing. What exactly am I getting out of it?
Bonnie Bennett: I will use Qetsiyah’s magic to make you immortal, invincible, and generally unfuckwithable.
Katherine Pierce: Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, I know you’re going through a lot right now.
Stefan Salvatore: But we’re here to help you work through the pain and become the lovable emopire you were always meant to be!
Elena Gilbert: Thanks, guys, but there’s only one thing that can make me feel better.
Damon Salvatore: Right, I’ll go get the chains and the lube.
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, no, I was actually talking about murdering Katherine, but I guess that can wait for a few minutes.
The Plot: Thickens.
Quick question. Since Rebekah was all on Team Matt this week, and since Matt clearly wanted Elena’s humanity back, why didn’t Rebekah just compel Elena to flip her switch? I mean, I know the answer is “because then the episode would have been ten minutes long,” but still.
I’m glad this whole arc is over. Not that Elena’s back to her old, boring self–I loved Evilena–but I’m glad we’re done with the whole “let’s torture some sense into our girl” thing. This little saga has been way too “look what you made me do” for comfort, and the Salvatores way too condescending and paternalistic for my taste.
I just hope Elena isn’t an emopire for the rest of the season. Setting up a big battle with Katherine is a great idea, though. Poor Nina. I can’t wait to see how Bonnie double crosses Katherine, and how Katherine was already fifteen steps ahead of her.
Speaking of fifteen steps ahead, Damon Fucking Salvatore, ladies and gentlemen. Damon is completely self aware, and he used that to his advantage this week. He knew everyone expects him to be unhinged–killing Matt to get Elena back, or even just because Matt was blocking the television, is perfectly in character for him–but no one expects him to plan ahead. Damon wouldn’t think to have Matt wear the Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying, would he? Of course not!
Boom. You just got Salvatored.