Before we begin, I’d like to mention that my latest Vampires of St. Troy novel, Scion is now available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords, with Apple iBooks and paperback versions coming soon. You can read the first chapter here. A huge thank-you to everyone who’s already bought it, and if you liked it, please leave a review on Amazon for me.
And now that we’ve gotten the shameless self-whoring out of the way …
Kol: Hey, anybody else realize that the so-called “heroes” of this show kind of do terrible things on a regular basis and risk ending the world all so they can get laid? Just me? Okay then. But we can still gang up to kill them, right?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Ready to graduate for the seventeenth time?
Stefan Salvatore: You bet! Right after I get done hanging out with my best friend slash sober sponsor Lexi … you know, the one you murdered in cold blood?
Damon Salvatore: So I guess it’s up to me to stop the world from ending?
Bonnie Bennett: Hey Caroline? I kinda unleashed the zombie apocalypse on our graduation, and also died just a little bit. But don’t worry, I totally got this.
Caroline Forbes: If I don’t get to walk across that stage, I will cut. A. Bitch.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Alaric Saltzman, you just came back from the dead, what are you going to do now?
Alaric Saltzman: Alcohol and grease mother fuckers! What about you?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Lots and lots of X-Box.
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, sorry, I kind of burned your X-Box to ashes. Along with our house. And your body.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Oh … well then I guess I’m just gonna have to have lots and lots of sex with Bonnie.
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, about that …
Alexander: Wow, high tech weaponry is awesome! Distilled werewolf venom and claymore mines are way better than getting close enough to the bad guy to use a sword!
Matt Donovan: Well, must be Thursday.
Galen Vaughn: Hi Damon! Could I interest you in subscribing to bang bang bang bang bang bang bang!
Damon Salvatore: Really? Werewolf poisoning? Again?
Galen Vaughn: Well you knew what they say, threaten to kill your most beloved character with a mammal’s venom once, shame on you, threaten–
Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan heart rip powers activate!
Galen Vaughn: It’s only a flesh wound!
Connor Jordan: Hi Elena! If you don’t give me what I want, I’m going to murder everyone you love!
Elena Gilbert’s Family: Can’t be threatened, because they’re already dead.
Alaric Saltzman: Wait wait wait, is he threatening to blow up my bar?
Elena Gilbert: Um, kinda?
Alaric Saltzman: And do I still have Super New Original Smashing Action powers?
Elena Gilbert: …Yes?
Alaric Saltzman: Awesome! Super New Original Smashing Action powers activate!
Matt Donovan: Hey, was that Alaric moving faster than an exploding suicide vest?
Rebekah: I do believe it was!
Matt Donovan: And couldn’t you probably use your exact same power set to get me out of this particular sticky wicket?
Matt Donovan: So …
Rebekah: Sorry, I’m not quite done waxing philosophical and pretending that this is an issue yet.
Katherine Pierce: Hi Bonnie! I’m here to collect on that immortality spell you promised me!
Bonnie Bennett: Hi Katherine! I can certainly promise that there will be magic performed that directly impacts your longevity, before the episode is over!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’ve got a cure for vampirism and a raging hard-on, and I’d like you to put both in your mouth.
Elena Gilbert: Ew! That’s icky!
Damon Salvatore: Well I guess we solved that Sire Bond issue.
Lexi: So Stefan, why aren’t you busy trying to ram the cure down Elena’s throat?
Stefan Salvatore: Well, Damon’s busy trying to ram something else down her throat, and that is an image I never, ever want in my head.
Damon Salvatore: And one you take the cure you’ll be vulnerable to all kinds of supernatural threats again, but at least Klaus will be able to use you as a blood bag, and then there’s the fact that … wait, I had a point here, and it was auragh werewolf bullets suck and Vaughn is a dick!
Elena Gilbert: No worries, I’ll just get Caroline to shake her butt in the vague direction of New Orleans and get our Deus ex Hybrid to fix you right up!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Or we could make Damon human again!
Damon Salvatore: That is literally the worst idea I have ever heard.
Julie Plec: Yeah, who would ever think of doing something like that, am I right?
Stefan Salvatore: And then I realized that I had to use the hair gel before the hair spray, and suddenly–
Galen Vaughn: Hi guys! How the hell are–
Stefan Salvatore: Jesus, really? You again. Okay, Super Stefan heart rip–
Damon Salvatore: Hold on there, bro. This guy just shot me with a werewolf bullet, and you know what that means.
Stefan Salvatore: You want to kill him yourself?
Damon Salvatore: What? No, I’m going to take him for a nice walk along the shore.
Stefan Salvatore: Hahaha, haha, hahahahaha!
Damon Salvatore: No, seriously. Vaughn? Bring sunscreen. You’re really pale.
Matt Donovan: So I’ve been thinking … I’m wearing the Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying, and this is an excellent opportunity to sometimes not die, so …
Rebekah: Yeah, so I’m not sure that the Ring of Convenience can handle “being turned into mashed potatoes and strawberry jelly”. Also, even if it did work, it would take days for the ring to put you back together again.
Matt Donovan: So “getting exploded to death” and “missing graduation” are equivalent problems in your world?
Rebekah: You throw that hat in the air, Matthew Donovan! You throw that hat in the air for me!
Elena Gilbert: We have to save Damon! And Silas! Because of reasons!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, two points. One, Damon isn’t taking Vaughn to Silas.
Elena Gilbert: How do you know?
Stefan Salvatore: Because Silas is still in Damon’s trunk. Two, it was one tiny bullet, with hardly any absolutely lethal werewolf toxin. Damon will be fine.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: So it’s settled … you go to graduation, then we worry about the man you love dying, then maybe we stop the world from ending.
Elena Gilbert: Well when you put it like that!
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Okay Klaus, last offer. I will let you grope one boob in exchange for curing Damon. Just. One.
Matt Donovan: Hi guys! I managed not to die again today!
Elena Gilbert: We all made it to graduation alive!
Bonnie Bennett: …Yep. We sure did. Mm hmm.
Rudy Hopkins: You know the best thing about this graduation ceremony? All of the main characters have names that are really early in the alphabet, so we can get the hell out of here in like five minutes!
Kol: Hi Bonnie! Let’s make a deal! If you destroy the veil so that all of us can stay alive, my undead buddies will kindly allow everyone here to live! Unless they get caught up in the certain carnage that follows from every evil thing that ever lived roaming the earth once more.
Bonnie Bennett: Hey, would you like to see my body?
Kol: Boy would I!
Bonnie Bennett: No, I mean my corpse. Because I’m dead.
Galen Vaughn: Okay, what the hell are we doing here?
Damon Salvatore: Are you kidding? This is where I dispose of all of my victim’s bodies! The football coach, Viki Donovan, Lexi, countless unnamed extras … and Silas!
Galen Vaughn: You’re totally fucking with me right now, aren’t you?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, I was really just waiting for–
Alaric Saltzman: Super New Original Smashing Action powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: That.
Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): So yeah, Vaughn shot up Damon with a bunch of wererabies, he’s gonna die in like ten minutes, and I need to know if you want me to shove the cure down his throat.
Stefan Salvatore: Well, on the one hand, it would suck to lose my brother. But on the other hand, Elena would be in desperate need of comfort, and nothing comforts the ladies like a Little Salvatore, so …
Aja:: Hi guys! Remember when Caroline murdered me a ton because she thought ending the world was a great idea? Super wiccan brain melting power activate!
Klaus: Super Original using a graduation cap like a guillotine and chopping off a head in prime time powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Ho–
Stefan Salvatore: –Ly
Bonnie Bennett: –Shit.
Caroline Forbes: Behold the powers of my vajayjay!
Elena Gilbert: So Damon, feeling better?
Damon Salvatore: Yep! Klaus’ blood fixed me right up!
Elena Gilbert: Good! Super Elena kicking your ass for being so macho and scaring me senseless powers activate!
Lexi: Hey Alric, have you ever wondered if there’s anything else out there, after we pass through The Other Side?
Alaric Saltzman: I used to, but then my show got canceled. Right now I’m just kinda seeing what my agent can make happen.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I want you to have the cure!
Stefan Salvatore: Thanks Elena, but I–
Elena Gilbert: Because I’m terrible at being a vampire, but you’re even worse!
Klaus: Hey Caroline, wanna see a million women have an orgasm simultaneously?
Caroline Forbes: Please, something like that isn’t even possible.
Klaus: Oh really? Because … I have decided to let Tyler live. He is your first love. I intend to be your last. However long it takes.
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Orgasm simultaneously.
Caroline Forbes: Quiver.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, got a few minutes for me to explain why I have no desire to grow old and die while pining away for what we used to have?
Elena Gilbert: Well, we could do that, or we could have a ton of sire-bond free sex.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, your idea is way better.
Stefan Salvatore: Single perfect tear.
Lexi: Woah, that’s way harsh dude. Well, at least now you can bang Caroline without feeling any guilt!
Caroline Forbes: Tyler’s back! I’m going to save so much money on panties!
Damon Salvatore: So Stefan, do you …
Stefan Salvatore: Want to spend the next few hours with Lexi, then murder the shit out of a sorority or two? Yeah. By the way, I’m planning on burying Silas under some lose gravel and maybe a sheet of newspaper or two. Think that’s good enough?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that should cover it.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! I’m here to spend the last remaining moments of my life having a ton of sex with you.
Bonnie Bennett: Sorry, but I’m already dead!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Wow, that’s harsh. Oh well, at least we can have tons of undead sex on the Other Side!
Bonnie Bennett: Yeah, no, I’m bringing you back to life and staying a ghost.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: I am going to die a virgin, aren’t I?
Damon Salvatore: So Alaric, I was thinking, even if they can’t bring you back as a regular, you could at least be a recurring character, and … Alaric? Alaric? :-(=
Stefan Salvatore: And then we can go to Vegas and see Lady Gaga, and then we can go to New York and see One Direction, and then we can go to Seattle and see Katy Perry, and then … Lexi? Lexi? :-(=
Elena Gilbert: Bonnie? Bonnie, have you seen my brother? And if you have, is he wearing clothes?
Kol: Hi Elena! Super Original … disappearing when the veil goes back up powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Wow, thank god I was spared a battle with a creature I have no hope in hell of defeating! I don’t know what I’d–
Katherine Pierce: Hi Elena! :-)=
Elena Gilbert: Oh God damn it.
Bonnie Bennett: Okay Jeremy, you’re alive again!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: That’s awesome! But wait! What about …
Bonnie Bennett: I’m sorry, Jeremy! I don’t have enough power to bring two back, so I had to chose, and I chose … you.
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: You mean …
Bonnie Bennett: I’m sorry!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: My X-Box! Why? Why? Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?!?
Rebekah: So Matt, I kind of kissed you today, and that was great and all, but I am moving to New Orleans next season …
Matt Donovan: Want to have lots of guilt-free road sex during the hiatus?
Rebekah: Yes please remove my clothes immediately please.
Katherine Pierce: Okay, so I might have told Klaus where you are, and may be indirectly responsible for the death of a bunch of your loved ones, and I may be directly responsible for the death of a few more, but really, when you think about it, I’m the victim here.
Elena Gilbert: Speaking of victims, would you ever, in a million years, expect me to be able to ram the cure down your throat and turn you human again?
Katherine Pierce: What? Absolutely not!
Elena Gilbert: And that is why my plan is brilliant. Super Elena kinda killing off the best character on the show powers activate!
Silas: Hi Stefan! You’re probably wondering what I’m doing out here talking to you, instead of in that bag being a cement corpse! Well funny thing … when Bonnie died, the spell keeping me prisoner died with her!
Stefan Salvatore: What about all of the other spells? Like the Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, or Jeremy coming back to life?
Silas: Anyway, you’re probably also wondering why I look exactly like you!
Stefan Salvatore: No, not really. I mean, you’ve looked like Caroline, and Alaric, and Katherine, and Brandon Lee, and …
Silas: But what you don’t realize is that I don’t look like you, you look like me!
Stefan Salvatore: …
Stefan Salvatore: …
Silas: Sigh. Okay, when Mama Mikaelson created the Original Vampires, one of the side effects was a doppelganger, right?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah …
Silas: And I am also an Original Vampire, in fact, the one who created the spell in the first place.
Stefan Salvatore: Okay …
Silas: So when I turned myself into a vampire, using that same magic, another doppelganger was created.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that means … nope, not following you.
Silas: Oh for fuck’s sake … I’m going to stab you, bury you at the bottom of the lake, and steal your life.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that in the first place! Hey, do vampires get all pruney in the water?
The Plot: Thickens.
This was a great, great season finale. They managed to pack a lot in, and a lot of it was well executed fan service.
Ratt fans finally got their on-screen kiss, and the promise of plenty of off-screen shenanigans over the summer. I can practically hear the fan fiction being fapped to right now.
Team Delena may finally be satisfied … Elena broke the sire bond, stayed a vampire, and chose to make lots of little vampire babies with Damon. Sorry … that joke just doesn’t seem funny anymore. Anyway, Delena’s joy is equaled only by Stelena’s anguish, and I have to assume that the CW has somehow managed to convert all of the energy used in sending Julie Plec hate mail into free electricity. Also, it’s a well-known fact that Julie Plec stays young by ingesting the impotent tears of her fans.
Katherine is human again, which I absolutely hate, but not as much as I’d hate a human Damon. This does raise the prospect of Klaus going after Katherine for Hybrid-making purposes, though I doubt Nina Dobrev wants to spend too much time on an entirely different series.
Actually, there’s a lot of potential crossover material. Rebekah would definitely welcome Matt with open
legs arms, and if Caroline ever decides that Mystic Falls isn’t working out, I’m pretty sure Klaus would kick Hayley to the curb faster than you can say “evil hybrid baby devil spawn? What evil hybrid baby devil spawn?”
Bonnie is dead, but we all know she’s not going anywhere. The question is whether she stays a ghost or somehow manages to claw her way back to life. That question can also be asked for Lexi and Alaric, actually. Their little conversation, about “moving on” or “sticking around to watch the knuckleheads they love,” strikes me as very clever writing. Either they leave the show, having “moved on to whatever is after the Other Side,” or they come back, to “watch after the knuckleheads.” I don’t think the TVD writers actually know what’s going to happen, and I think, again, that it comes down to contract negotiations. This was a neat way to leave the door open.
So, the BIG SCARY REVEAL at the end. This all caused lots of confusion, so let me spell it out as best I understand it:
When Esther Mikaelson used her magic to turn her family into vampires, one of the side effects was the creation of the doppelganger. At first, it seemed like the only thing a doppelganger was good for was unleashing Klaus’ werewolf side, which seems kind of stupid … Esther hated what her family had become, so why would she provide a way to make Klaus even more powerful?
But it turned out that this was only a side effect: the doppelganger was actually nature’s way of countering the immortality spell. Doppelganger blood could be used to return the Originals to their human form, allowing them to be killed.
Flash back a few thousand years? Silas, a powerful warlock, wants to cheat death, so he crafts a spell that will grant immortality. The same spell that Esther later discovered. When Silas turned himself immortal, one of the side effects was the creation of a doppelganger, the first doppelganger.
Katherine and Elena look like Tatia, the girl sacrificed to turn the Mikaelsons. We don’t know why Stefan looks like Silas rather than some poor schmuck. Silas claimed that the doppelganger was created by nature as “a version of himself that could be killed,” kind of like in Twins. Immortal Silas was like Arnold Schwarzenegger, with all of the power and immortality, and Doppelganger Silas was like Danny DeVito, with all of the left over crap DNA. On the other hand, it’s possible that Silas was the sacrifice, that he killed himself in order to give his lover immortality, but things somehow went sideways.
I’m also pretty sure that the cure used on Katherine isn’t the only way to defeat Silas … Stefan’s blood can be used to turn him mortal again, just like Elena’s blood could be used against the Mikaelsons.
Too bad he’s locked in a safe on the bottom of a lake …
Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing Paul Westley play Evil!Stefan again. He’s a fantastic actor, and he loves playing the bad guy, but the Stefan role doesn’t give him a lot of room to show what he’s capable of. Hopefully next season will be his moment to shine.
Another question: was a doppelganger created when Esther turned Alaric into a vampire?
Lastly, give this interview with Julie Plec a read. I want to call particular attention to this:
Interestingly enough, when Kevin [Williamson] and I, back in season zero, when we first launched the series and started talking about knowing that one day we’d make Elena a vampire and with that move would come the realization that there was a cure; I think in the back of our heads we always intended to heal Elena. But the instant that we actually made the decision to move forward with Elena the first thing we realized was she would of course be the one person we couldn’t cure because it was just too easy.
Instantly, we decided that the person that needed to be cured, that made the most sense from a story point of view, that would be a great surprise, would be Damon. We believed that because of all people he’s the one that said he missed being human, but he’s also the one who relished the most being a vampire. Well, about five minutes into the season, right after the cure was revealed to be in existence, I think I read instantly someone was like, ÔOh, they’re going to cure Damon.‘I thought, ÔOh shit!’ [Laughs.]
Ultimately, the person that we cured we wanted to get really great story out of it and I think part of Damon’s delightful charm as a vampire is that he is a vampire and I’m not so sure outside of the novelty of turning him human that we’d be able to get as much as we would have wanted to dramatically. We played around with a lot of other ideas for a little while before realizing the answer was so clear and so obvious and so right in front of us.
That’s the mind of a great pair of writers, right there. One, they’ve been planing this from day one. TVD is going somewhere, they aren’t just writing into the dark.
Two, their first instinct was to do the obvious: cure Elena. And their second instinct was also obvious: cure Damon. But they realized that was obvious, they realized that that wasn’t the best story … so they switched gears, adjusted, and moved on. It’s rare that people can separate themselves enough from their own work to realize when something isn’t right, and then fix it.
Well done, Vampire Diaries. See you next fall.