Meredith Fell: Hi Elena! Thanks for dropping by for Alaric’s MRI! This test will tell us if Alaric’s blackouts and murder sprees were caused by a tumor, or a brain lesion, or acid reflux, or-

Elena Gilbert: The Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying that also drove Samantha Gilbert nuts, as evidenced by this creepy-ass Diary of Death?

Meredith Fell: I was gonna get to that.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey guys? I’m feeling a little claustrophobic in here!

Alaric Saltzman’s Evil Twin: Weeee I’m gonna murder you all woooooo!

Meredith Fell: What was that?

Alaric Saltzman: I said … we … ‘re gonna laugh about this … soon.

Meredith Fell: Oh good, I was worried you were going crazy again!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, on a totally unrelated note, why don’t you guys hold onto this ring for a while?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry Alaric! I’m gonna call Bonnie! She’s a witch! She can fix Magic Rings of Sometimes Not Dying with her brain!

Alaric Saltzman: …I’m screwed, aren’t I?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! I’m here for our date to take you home!

The Lady of the Manor: Matt David hasn’t been this creepy since Legally Blonde.

Sheriff Forbes: Goodnight, Mr. Salvatore. Do be careful this chill evening, for a vile murderer doth be afoot, and stalking the noble Founder of this, our fair city!

Mr. Salvatore: Pish tosh! Verily I say that the victim’s association with the Founders is but chance and folly! Forsooth, to prove my theory I shall walk home unescorted, whistling a jaunty tune!

Sheriff Forbes: Indeed sir, but thou art a brave fellow! Truly I do hope thou shalt arrive at thy domicile unmolested!

The Lurking Shadow of Slaughter: I stabeth thee!

Mr. Salvatore: Egads! For I am dead!

Thomas: Neville! Outside time!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: I love outside time!

Thomas: Neville! Let’s go for a car ride!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Car rides are awesome!

Thomas: Neville! Time to see the vet!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: The vet’s a very nice lady!

Dr. Ballcrusher: Hi Neville! So you’re here to get your shots, get microchipped, and get neutered!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Wait, what’s that last word mean!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Son of a bitch!

Dr. Ballcrusher: Okay boy! Hop up on the table!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Dr. Ballcrusher: …?

Neville the Devilcorgipire: She must be on vervain!

The Producers: Hi, Caroline? Yeah, come on in. We need to have a talk. So you know the whole overarching plot thing we have going on for this season?

Caroline Dries: You mean the whole Delena cock-tease?

The Producers: Yep!

Caroline Dries: And the idea that Elijah might be around for more than an episode or two?

The Producers: Yeah, exactly. And you know we never planned to give the fans what they want, right?

Caroline Dries: Haha, of course not! I mean, I don’t know about you, but I started writing television scripts because my deep-seated hatred for humanity demanded an outlet, and it was either this or join Blackwater International and kill civilians in small island nations!

The Producers: Right? I mean, we’ve all had the killing innocents fantasy, right? Anyway, speaking of our complete and total hatred for all things good and pure, it’s time to rob our fans of their hope, joy, and reason to live.

Caroline Dries: Awesome! WHo gets to do the honors?

The Producers: Well, Julie and Kevin already hit their death threat quota for the month, so we were figuring you might want to take this one?

Caroline Dries: Oh God, really? And I thought Smallville was the biggest “eff-you” I was ever going to be able to give fans! This is the happiest day of my life! I bet Twitter is going to be one big suicide party!

Elijah: Hi Klaus! I can see from the look on your face that you’re not the one who set me free, so I’m going to assume it was Damon, since he’s the only one that ever gets off his ass and does anything in this town. And speaking of Damon … do you remember all those scenes where the Salvatore brothers got angry at each other and smashed up their library? How much do you think the fans would love to see us do that?

Klaus: But I just finished redecorating!

Elijah: Supermanvamp punch! Doorsmash!

Klaus: Chokeslam! Tablecrush! Daggeryonk!

Elijah: Really? You’re going to pull the dagger out of him and use it on me? You would really rather deal with someone who … well, let’s not give the fans too much info at once.

Klaus: Right you are! Oh by the way, I murdered Dad with his Enchanted Slaughter Stick and the Salvatores have our mother. That last bit’s supposed to be a secret, but it’s all over Twitter.

Elijah: Wow, some people are real dicks.

Klaus: Right? I mean sure I’ll have a hybrid bite barbiepire on her birthday and then storm in like a boss and give her a wrist job and a thousand-caret bracelet, but eve I wouldn’t spoil the biggest TVD mystery of the season!

Elijah: You have truly grown noble in the years months days I have slumbered, brother.

Klaus: You know it! Hey, speaking of noble, remember how you made a promise to stand by my side forever and always? Well Taylor Swift totally stole your catch phrase. Also, remember how you forgot to add an “unless you turn out to be an utter bastard who murdered our mother and then our father and then leaves our entire family to rot for decades at a time” claus? Well I’d like to capitalize on that oversight!

Elijah: Okay!

Racialicious‘ Kendra and Jordan have a dialog about race in Mystic Falls, including the romanticism of the Civil War and Old South, and the fact that “every vampire who appears on the show seems to have their very own Black witch or warlock in their back pockets, but very rarely do we find out anything else out about these characters.” It’s an interesting read. (via @dieslaughing)

Bonnie Bennet: Wow, this is wacky! Two shows in a row opening with a weird witchy dream! I really need to lay off the tacos!

Klaus: I think you need to lay off the living! Fangs!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Damon Salvatore: Grin! Shower! Giggle!

Stefan Salvatore: So Damon, and you ready to enact our devious plan to use Klaus’ family as bait and the contents of the Magic Coffin of Not Opening to destroy him?

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Stefan Salvatore: Why are you so chipper?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no reason, and certainly not because I got it on with your currently-available ex-girlfriend, who just happens to be an exact duplicate of the woman I spent a hundred and fifty years obsessed with!

Stefan Salvatore: …You’re weird. And can you put some pants on? Pants would be great right now.

Summer had come and gone. Winter was setting in, and a graveyard chill hung in the air. We retreated to the warmth of our living rooms, the comfort of our couches, seeking respite from the cold.

But no comfort was to be had. Team Elena’s last, great plan to defeat their nemesis had failed. Stefan, Elena’s one-time lover, had overcome Klaus’ compulsion … but hadn’t regained his nobility. Elena was inconsolable. Damon took solace in the bottle. Alaric was probably grading history papers in a bar.

And then the unthinkable happened. Our loved ones were snatched from us by the cruel hands of the scheduling gods.

The hellatus had arrived.

We sought shelter in our memories, recounting our favorite moments, and quickly being told exactly why those cherished events were as stupid as we are. We plied our time in other worlds, other mythologies, hoping to ease the pain.

But the pain just wouldn’t go away.

Even the snow refused to fall, as if nature itself was grieving our loss.

And then, on a night that came sooner than any of us had dared hope, we heard these five wonderful words …

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Welcome to the rest of Season Three of The Vampire Diaries! I’ll be your host tonight, and lead you on a grand tour of this burned out old mortuary, complete with a bevy of immortal murder machine bearing coffins! And hey, is Klaus holding on to the Magic Necklace of Certain Doom?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, that’s the last time I eat pepperoni pizza before bed.

Vampire Diaries returns this Thursday, so there’s no time to add this to This Week on the Web. Instead, I’ll just toss this out there:

To beat the villain, you have to be the better villain

Watch such thrilling sights as: Damon telling Stefan to act smarter! Damon touching Elena’s chin! Elena wearing a red sports bra! Stefan being an utter goddamn badass! And another Vampire!Elena cock tease!