The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.

The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?

The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?

Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?

Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?

The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…

Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!

The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.

Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.

The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…

Katerina Graham: Wibble.

The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.

The Writers: Actually…

The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Well, guys, it’s a sad day. The Martins’ contracts are up.

The Writers: You know, you could write contracts for more than five episodes. I mean, I’ve heard that other shows keep recurring characters for entire seasons, even years…

The Producers: Anyway, we want to send them off with a bang. And you know what that means…

The Writers: ?

The Producers: BAMF powers activate!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: This is fantastic! Hair flips, heart rips, torture porn… the fans are eating it up! But it feels like something’s still missing…

Ian Somerhalder: Unbuttons his shirt.

The Producers: No, that’s not what we had in mind…

Daniel Gillies: Coifs his hair.

The Producers: No, that’s not it either… hey, Matt Davis!

Matt Davis: …Urg?

The Producers: Do you remember how to say lines?

Matt Davis: Single tear.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! Salvatore skin! Flamethrowers! Fanservice! There’s just one thing… Team Elijah is getting a bit… restless.

The Writers: Hmm…

The Producers: Also, those heart rips are really popular…

The Writers: So… Elijah, heart rips… I think we have an idea…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: So, the CW has been taking a lot of heat lately. Something about Smallville and Supernatural, and something about burning the place to the ground and salting the earth.

The Writers: Well that certainly doesn’t sound good…

The Producers: No. And we aren’t immune, either. People aren’t in love with Tyloline, they think Elena has become a little too dumb to live in a horror movie, they’re afraid that Damon is losing his edge…

The Writers: What can we do?!?

The Producers: There’s only one thing we can do. It’s something we only like to turn to as a last resort. Something we like to save for Sweeps.

The Writers: You mean…?

The Producers: Yes. Fanservice. I want Salvatore skin as far as the eye can see. I want so much Vampire on Werewolf action that the Parent’s Television Council and PETA will be pissed at us. I want Stefan to man up for a change! I want so many extras dying, flames throwing, and hearts ripping that the gods will notice us again!

The Writers: We’ll go tell Ian to have his chest waxed…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman, in one of the few moments he’s been allowed on-screen this season, shared with us the fruits of his estranged wife / current vampire / Elena Gilbert‘s mother Isobel Flemming-Saltzman. To whit: The Myans got sick of all the hot Vampire on Werewolf action, and cast the Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience. The curse limits vampires to hunting at night – you know, when humans awake and ready to defend themselves – and limits the werewolves to shifting on the full moon. The keys to this curse are a piece of Moon Rock and the blood of a European family – the Petrovas – that wouldn’t arrive in South America for several hundred years, but let’s gloss over that for now. But let’s not gloss over the fact that Elena Gilbert is a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, who are both really Petrovas, meaning Elena’s death can free the vampires from having to wear Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight.

If that paragraph made any sense to you: I love you, and welcome home.

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all that The Girlfirend will no longer be joining us in our weekly Vampire Diaries recaps. But!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Hey Mason, I filled up your voicemail, so now I’m leaving messages on your answering machine! Anyway, about this torture porn of you turning into a werewolf… it looks like it really hurts to turn into a werewolf, and since I’m going to turn into a werewolf tonight, I’d like to talk to another werewolf about it. Also: werewolf.

Jules: Aroof?

It’s no secret that I hate the holidays with the burning passion of a thousand dying suns. I hate the commercialism and the crowds, the forced levity and the travel, and sweet holy hell I hate the Backstreet Boys Christmas Carols that they’re playing at the mall right now; I’d be perfectly happy if Christmas went away and never bothered me again.

But, I’m not a complete Grinch. If other people can enjoy the holidays, more power to them. Especially if they’re kids. Especially if they’re kids stuck in a hospital.

Child’s Play is one of the (very) few things I don’t hate about this time of year. They’ve been running since 2003, and their aim is simple: to provide games and toys for sick kids around the nation and, increasingly, around the world. I’m not a gamer - My Wii is basically a fancy machine for watching 30 Rock - and the fact that this is a “gamer’s charity” doesn’t mean anything to me. I like Child’s Play because they’re efficient (their overhead is around 2-3%) and because they’re helping kids.

The easiest way to donate is to pick a hospital (you can even pick one close to you, if that matters), and select something from their Amazon wish-list. Everything on these lists is something that a sick child wants for Christmas, and none of them are bank-breaking. You can get a kid a Nintendo game, or a Twilight movie, or whatever. Hell, one kid asked for a package of SuperBalls. These things cost six dollars. I spend more than that on lunch, and there’s some kid hoping that someone will make his goddamned Christmas and buy them for him. How can you say “no” to that?

You can also donate directly, by sending a check to:

Child’s Play 123 NW 36th Street Suite 210 Seattle, WA 98107

Or via PayPal (there’s a link on their home page), or by texting GAMERS to 50555, which will make an automatic five dollar contribution. You can also folow them on FaceBook or Twitter.

Christmas sucks, but Child’s Play rocks. I hope you’ll get involved.

The Blonde Chick: I used to live in Butthole, Alaska, which, as you know, doesn’t see the sunlight for thirty days at a time. And as you also know, everyone in Butthole was killed last winter, except for me. Now, I know the official story is that a rabid polar bear ate everyone, but I’m here to tell you the real story. It was vampires. The end.

The Audience: Laughs.

The Blonde Chick: Yeah yeah, laugh it up. But I have proof! A couple of vampires always show up to these talks, so I brought some bajillion-watt tanning lamps!

The Vampires in the Audience: She’s bluffing.

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Literally!

The Vampires in the Audience: Burn, screech, die.

The Audience: Screams, runs, calls the police.