Alex Reagan: For days, maybe even weeks, sleep evaded me. I would lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, begging and for any solution to my exhaustion, praying for a respite from my waking nightmares, but no answer came.

I fled to a secluded cabin far from my daily worries, hoping to escape the terrors hidden in the back of my own mind, but even there, even so far from home, so far from friends and family and foes, I found no relief.

That night, the terrors came again. Whispers in the darkness, hunting accusations of failure and warnings of certain, looming doom. And so I ran from my cabin and out into the forest, the roots reaching up to grab my ankles, the tree branches clawing at me like the gnarled fingers of a withered old woman.

And I heard them.

Black hounds chased me, fearsome not-quite-wolves with coats as black as pitch, slavering fangs as sharp as knives, and eyes are red as the fires of hell. Though I could not see them, I knew.

That’s why we’re proud to announce our newest sponsor, Bark Box. Each month, Bark Box selects the finest treats and toys for your favorite furry friend, and each shipment is guaranteed to delight your canine companion, whether you cuddle up with a sleepy puppy or run screaming in terror from the Barghest.

BarkBox.com: treats so delicious even the hounds of hell will momentarily abandon their quest to savage your tender, mortal soul.

Nic Silver: Alex! Great news! My super-clever hacker girlfriend taught me about this amazing new technology called a “web browser,” and I was able to use it to access something called a “Google,” and they helped me track down Thomas Warren!

Alex Reagan: That’s amazing, Nic! Is he hiding in a monastery in Russia? Holed up in a cave in New Mexico? Performing blasphemous rituals in a day care in Seattle?

Nic Silver: Worse! He’s giving a speech to the World Trade Organization in Vancouver! Oh, and the Googles also said that The Advocate is recruiting an army, a collection of the best and brightest minds, whose genius he will corrupt in order to bring about the end of days! And do you know who he’s targeting? Oprah Winfrey, Elon Musk, and … Richard Strand!

Alex Reagan: Holy shit, Nic! Strand knows Elon Musk! Do you think he’d let me test drive a Tesla?

Nic Silver: Um … there’s also this mysterious hacker in Maine that has a photograph of the General of the Armies of the Faceless Damned, but he only accepts visitors in person on Tuesdays at 11:15am.

Alex Reagan: So we’re going to Maine?

Nic Silver: Looks like!

Alex Reagan: Can we drive a Tesla?

Nic Silver: Damn it Alex, we already blew our entire budget installing hidden recording devices in Strand’s house. There’s no money for a Tesla!

I was fortunate enough to work on-set for this, and I’m super excited to see Mark and Anna’s vision come to life. Great job, guys!

Egypt - 3,600 Years Ago

En Sabah Nur: Okay, time to take over this new body, gain a mutant healing factor, and rule the world forever as an immortal god!

Ridiculously Competent Egyptian Guard: Time to enact my clever plan, which will destroy your massive temple and bury you beneath several millions of tons of rubble!

En Sabah Nur: But wouldn’t this plan require that you somehow modify the very structure of the pyramid I built with my mind in the after credits scene for X-Men: Days of Future Past, then quarry several multi-ton missile-boulders, and secretly position them on the missile-boulder-launching tubes you would have also needed to construct under my omnipotent nose without my noticing?

Ridiculously Competent Egyptian Guard: How about you shut up and take a nice long nap?

En Sabah Nur: Whatever.

This is the cast and crew of Murder Hill, a new movie by my friends at Awesome Monkey Productions.

I was lucky enough to run sound for this and another film shot this past week. I was also privileged to work with director Claude Bauschinger (twitter), actors Tom Proctor (twitter) and Marilyn Ghigliotti (twitter), cinematographer Sarah Cawley and producers Marcus Casadei (twitter) and Anna Casadei (twitter).

Like Awesome Monkey’s Facebook page to get the latest updates on Murder Hill!

Nic Silver: Okay, so there are few possibilities. One, Keith Dabic is a confused, scared, mentally unstable boy who has created an elaborate conspiracy around an urban legend that we just happened to feature on our show. Two, Keith is being held prisoner in an evil Russian monastery, captive to a dark and secretive group of demon worshiping monks who plan to use evil music to usher in the end of days, and are sending us cryptic emails in order to lure us onto their turf so they can murder us as tribute to their fell lord.

Alex Reagan: Holy shit Nic, you’re right!

Nic Silver: Good, I’m glad you can see how silly …

Alex Reagan: So I’m going to need a plane ticket to Bulgaria, a black catsuit, a climbing rope and grappling hook, a translator with special forces training, and a fake passport.

Nic Silver: [sigh] I’ll go set up a Patreon.

The Fiancee: We should get a Corgi!

Thomas: Well…

The Fiancee: Super Fiancee puppy eyes powers activate!

Thomas: Okay!

CorgisAreTooGoodForYou.com: Please indicate your level of commitment to this Corgi:

• I would die for this Corgi
• I would kill for this Corgi
• I would kill my first-born child for this Corgi
• I believe that this Corgi is the physical embodiment of our Lord and Savior

NoCorgiForYou.org: Please provide three character references, a veterinarian reference, a copy of your last three years’ tax returns, a copy of the deed to your house, and a DNA sample.

WeNeverHadChildrenWeOnlyHadCorgis.net: Sorry, we are only able to work with people having Prior Corgi Experience.

Thomas: I am going to murder everyone ever.

The Fiancee: Pout

FreeCorgiWithEveryCorgi.com: We have a Corgi for you!

Thomas and The Fiancee: Celebrate!

FreeCorgiWithEveryCorgi.com: Just kidding!

Thomas and The Fiancee: Harumph!

Thomas and The Fiancee: We can haz Corgi?

Pets Alive: You can has Corgi!

The Fiancee: Wishy! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?

Thomas: Hello small Corgi!

Wishy the Corgi: I’m very happy!

Thomas: Who’s a good Corgi?

Wishy the Corgi: Fluffy fluffy fluffy!

The Fiancee: You’re a good Corgi!

Wishy the Corgi: Fluffy fluffy fluffy!

Thomas: Let me just scratch your belly…

Wishy the Corgi: Fluffy fluffy murder!

Doctor Killemall: Hey, neat dog bite! Well, let me go ahead and not give you any antibiotics, and sew up all of those germs so they don’t get out!

Thomas: My vast medical knowledge leads me to agree with you!

Wishy the Corgi: This is going to be hillarious!

The Fiancee: Hey, did your arm have all those angry red streaks before?

Thomas: …shit.

Wishy the Corgi: I’m venomous!

Nurse: Well, if you’ll just come through… HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

Wishy the Corgi: He tastes like chicken!

Another Nurse: Okay, we’re going to run roughly seventeen thousand kinds of antibiotics through you. Also, we’re giving you Vicodin’s big brother for the pain.

Thomas: I’m not really in any-

Another Nurse: Super RN narcotic drip powers activate!

Thomas: Whysh the room shpinhing?

Yet Another Nurse: So, would you like to spend the night in a hospital?

Thomas: …

Yet Another Nurse: Right! I’ll go get the admitting papers!

Wishy the Corgi: I get the house to myself tonight!

The Seventh Nurse of the Day: …and here’s your room, and this is your roommate, Cory Contagious!

Cory Contagious: Cough, sputter, phlegm!

Cory Contagious: Hey look, there’s a Bonnanza marathon! And it runs until six AM! Gurgle, cough, plague!

Thomas: …

Cory Contagious: Wait, I can’t hear anything, because I’m deaf! I better turn the volume up as high as it can go! Spasm, vomit, retch!

Thomas: Urge. To. Murder. Rising.

Cory Contagious: And the volume on the TV in the hall! Bile, wheeze, gurgle!

The Woman Down the Hall: Help! Help me! Help help help help help!

The Nurse: What can I do for you?

The Woman Down the Hall: …nothing.

The Nurse: How are you doing, Mr. Contagious?

Cory Contagious: I want to die! Twitch, ooze, decompose!

Thomas: I’ll help!

Doctor Badnews: So… looks like the infection is doing the exact opposite of healing, and we need to pump you full of enough antibiotics to drown a child. Can I interest you in a no-expenses paid vacation in one of our luxurious contamination bays?

Wishy the Corgi: I’m very expensive!

Cory Contagious: We can keep each other company! Pus, leak, infect!

The Woman Down the Hall: Help! Help me! Help help help help help!

Cory Contagious: I can’t sleep! Necrosis, fever, contagion!

The Nurse: That’s okay. Since there’s no one else in the room trying to sleep, I’ll just turn on every goddamn light in the place, and blast another Bonanza! marathon at 287 decibels. Would you like a strobe light, too?

The Woman Down the Hall: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!

The Fiancee: Say, can we go for a walk?

The Nurse: Sure!

Twenty Minutes later…

The Nurse: I meant down the hallway, not around the block.

Thomas: 0:-)

Doctor Badnews: Well, the infection looks like it’s pretty well gone, so you can go-

Thomas: Super Thomas getting the fuck out of this hellhole powers activate!

Doctor Badnews: -home.

Wishy the Corgi: I’m emotionally unstable!

Thomas: …goddammit.

The Plot: Thickens.

This one is sad, so if you’re here for vampires and dick jokes, head ye to the archives.

Wishy, the Corgi we picked up seven days ago, has been returned to the shelter we adopted him from.

You’ve probably read the story of how he gave me corgipox and put me in the hospital. We had hoped that this was just caused by the stress of moving, but his behavior has gotten steadily worse over the course of the week.

He went after AJ – The Fiancee – the other night, and I was so afraid of something happening to her that I actually broke down in tears. But we were still hopeful… we wanted to talk with a veterinarian and a trainer, and see if they could offer us any advice on how to help him. But on the way to the vet, Wishy bit me again – much less seriously this time, because AJ yelled when she saw him bear his fangs, but not for lack of effort on his part.

At this point, even the vet said that we might be in over our heads, and I was on my way to agreeing with her. But the final straw came later that night, when Wishy came running in from the other room, growling and lunging at me. At this point, we were both so afraid of him that we wouldn’t even go near him to remove his leash; we just put a gate up in front of the kitchen and let him alone.

I spoke with the shelter that night, and we all agreed that it was best if Wishy went back home.

We found out later that we’re actually his second adoptive family, and that the first people that adopted him also returned him because he bit people… something that we definitely should have been informed of ahead of time. I suppose I should be angry about that, but honestly, I’m just kind of sad.

None of this is Wishy’s fault. His first family left him alone – we suspect locked in a cage – for sixteen hours a day. He was never socialized, and he never learned to trust. He’s afraid, and he’s reacting the only way he knows how. And as much as we want to help him, we just don’t know how.

Fortunately, Pets Alive is a no-kill shelter, so we at least know that he isn’t going to be put down. Maybe they can find someone with the experience Wishy needs to finally be socialized. And if not, they’re willing to work with him for the rest of his life, giving him as much attention – and as much space – as he needs.

Goodbye, Wishy. Despite everything, we’ll miss you, and we hope your new-old home makes you happier than we could.