Alex: I’ve got to admit, this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, is going a lot better than I expected! I can deal with shadowy figures lurking in the background of school photos an creepy sound clips and and prom queens with razor blades and upside down faces! I was just worried that I’d have to deal with demons or something! I hate demons! Can’t even watch The Exorcist without peeing my pants! So Richard, what Black Tape did you bring us this week?

Richard Strand: …it’s a video tape of an exorcism of a little girl.

Alex: I should have seen this coming.

Alex: Thank you for all of the messages, we really love hearing from our fans. However, Dr. Strand has asked me to inform you that “I totally know a guy whose cousin saw a video with a ghost in it” is not sufficient proof to win the Strand Institute’s million dollar prize. He has also stated that while he finds your offers of marriage, and other less wholesome, more lurid activities, flattering, he is currently in a long-term, committed relationship with never ever talking to you, you creepy creeper. Finally, on behalf of PWNS, we are not currently in the market for, nor will we read, any erotic fan fiction.

Thomas: I think having a bat emblem on Batman’s chest is a bit over the top. He’s got the costume, the batmobile, the bataragns … it’s like ok, we get it dude. You’re really into bats.

AJ: Well, Superman has an ‘S’ on his chest.

Thomas: No, Superman has the Kryptonian symbol for “hope” on his chest. It just happens to look like an ‘S’. That’s why Lois Lane named him Superman.

AJ: … you are a goddamned nerd.

Alex: Remember how I said we uncovered some interesting information about Dr. Strand, but how it wasn’t relevant to our investigation, and we therefore would not air that material? Well guess what, kids? Alex changed her mind again! Turns out that Dr. Strand was married, his wife mysteriously disappeared in 1997, and the prime suspect in her vanishing … and her presumed murder … was Dr. Strand himself.

But never mind the fact that I am using a possible killer as both the subject and expert in this podcast, which is like radio for the internet! Because Richard Strand has offered to share with me yet another Black Tape, and like a crack addict jonesing for a fix, I need me some of that sweet supernatural mystery.

Nic Silver: Before you go running off, don’t you think it’s kind of odd that this deeply private man, who has called into question both your integrity and your intelligence multiple times in just a few short days, is offering to open up his research to you, when he was at first so fast to hide it from you?

Alex: Nope!

Nic Silver: Isn’t it possible that he has an ulterior motive, that he is planning to use you, and this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, and me, who is like a producer for podcasts, to further his own nefarious goals?

Alex: Of course not! There is absolutely no way that Dr. Strand has any personal connection to the supernatural, or that the disappearance of his wife will factor in to our investigation, or that I will find myself in personal turmoil and danger because of this story.

Nic Silver: All right then! Good talk!

Alex: So this Strand guy is really weird, right?

Nic Silver: Totally.

Alex: And his story would make for a fascinating podcast, right?

Nic Silver: What’s a podcast?

Alex: Goddammit Nic, you’re a podcast producer! You know what a podcast is!

Nic Silver: I know, but I want to make sure the audience knows!

Alex: Nic, they’re listening to a fucking podcast! They know it’s like radio for the internet!

Nic Silver: There, was that so hard to say?

Alex: Okay, fine. So about all of these mysterious happenings, scandalous revelations, and dark omens surrounding Richard Strand …?

Nic Silver: Eh, I don’t think they’ll factor into the story. Let’s not talk about them on the air, except maybe for a few casual mentions to drive the audience’s imagination wild.

Now, about the way you lied to Dr. Strand in order to trick him into sharing his Black Tapes with you. I’m just a little bit worried that you’re walking a thin line, ethically speaking.

Alex: That’s going to be a theme.

Alex: Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Hapless Passerby: Um … sure?

Alex: Do you believe in ghosts?

Hapless Passerby: I guess. I mean, I never really thought about it, but … hey, is that a microphone?

Alex: What about goblins? Poltergeists? Demons?

Hapless Passerby: What are you on about?

Alex: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

Hapless Passerby: I’m not trying to become a ghostbuster!

Alex: What about life after death? Reincarnation? The immortality of the human soul?

Hapless Passerby: I … don’t know?

Alex: IS DEATH THE END OR JUST A GATEWAY TO SOMETHING ELSE?

Hapless Passerby: Please don’t hurt me.

Black Hole Sun (S06E04)

May 10 1994 – Again

Kai: And then I went to Disneyland and peed on all the robots! And then I went to Chuck E Cheese and pooped in the ball pit! And then I went to the White House, and got all the way to the Oval Office, and then I–

Damon Salvatore: If you say one word about a cigar, I will murder you with my eyebrows.

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, no! We need this guy to escape the perpetual hell that is your plaid shirt and my skorteralls!

Damon Salvatore: …You are so lucky that I experienced so much personal growth last season.

Welcome to Paradise (S06E03)

Greaser Joe’s Grim Garage

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Greaser Joe! I need a few days off, and someone to take my recently-murdered girlfriend into the woods, bury her body, and leave his fingerprints all over the crime scene!

Greaser Joe: Yeah, no, that doesn’t sound like something I want to do at all!

Stefan Salvatore: ~~~look into my eyes~~~

Greaser Joe: On second thought, Holy fucking shit did you just admit to murder for no good reason?!?

Stefan Salvatore: Of course not! I have a very good reason. That reason is exposition for everyone who missed last week’s episode. Also, I’m kind of lonely and you’re the only person I have to talk to.

May 10 1994

Damon Salvatore: Oh no! I’m trapped in an empty hell dimension, forced to live out eternity with no company except my own dark thoughts!

Bonnie Bennett: But Damon, I’m here!

Damon Salvatore: You’re right! It’s even worse that I imagined!

I, uh … huh. Hmm. Let’s see. Elena and Caroline went to college, and so did Ghost Bonnie? And Elena’s roommate got murdered super quick, because being anywhere around Elena is terribly dangerous? And I guess the college was run by Elena’s adoptive daddy’s bad-guy buddies, and they went around torturing vampires and stuff? And Damon got turned into a bigger monster, but then he got better? And he also found his long-lost best friend, who then killed himself by getting fisted by Stefan? And Katherine was aweseome went to Hell? And then there were a bunch of Gypsies Travelers who did a whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing and took over Mystic Falls? And then they used Elena’s and Stefan’s blood to make magic not a thing anymore? And then everyone died? Except Blondie the Albino Witch did a spell, and Bonnie brought them all back? Except Damon, because he was super tired of this shit? I guess?

Whatever. Alaric is back, so your argument is irrelevant.

Camp Ground of Chaos

Cute Young Guy: Hey there cute young girl, can I interest you in some underage alcohol, followed by some illicit sex!

Cute Young Girl: You sure can! But first we should totally go check out that strange noise!

Cute Young Guy: That sounds like a totally reasonable and not at all dangerous plan!

Cute Young Girl: I sure hope it isn’t a vampire or something! Tee hee!

Sheriff Forbes: Nope! It’s just me, the friendly neighborhood murder hider!

Cute Young Guy: Awesome! I thought we were in real trouble!

The Shadowy Form of a Fanged Former Cheerleader: Rawr!

Sheriff Forbes: Oh well, you guys are on your own! Tee hee!