I’ve gone to a lot of weddings this summer. So many, in fact, that I’ve kind of lost count, and I’m finding it difficult to call everyone by their real, new names.

I feel kind of like the main character in Grosse Point Blank, which is, by the way, a phenomenal movie. Martin, the main character, is an assassin who’s coming home for his 10 Year High School Reunion, and to find out whatever happened to his high school sweetheart. Shenanigans do, of course, ensue. There’s one scene, where Martin is talking with said sweetheart, about what’s happened over the intervening decade:

Martin: You got married. That’s hard to imagine. That’s pretty unbelievable.

Debbie: No, that’s pretty normal, Martin, it happens all the time.

He also spends the entire conversation looking nervously over his shoulder, and jumping at loud noises. He’s witty, sarcastic, and dresses in dark clothing. I tell you, aside from the whole murdering people for a living part, this guy is me.

Anyway, I guess I still see marriage as one of those crazy things that happens to old people. Feel free to post your own thoughts on my latest^* mid-life crisis in the comments.

So, lots of people are getting married, and since every once in a while I like to imagine that I’m something approaching “normal,” I’ve spent the last few days planning my own dream wedding.

Shut up.

Yeah, I know, the whole “fairy princess dream wedding” thing is generally the girl’s schtick, but I’m a modern man, comfortable in my identity. I tan, and for god’s sake, I even exfoliate. Like I told Jessica the other night, I’m a 220 pound power lifter, and if someone wants to make an issue out of it, they’re welcome to step up and try.

So, here’s a quick list of things that I absolutely have to have in order to have the bestest wedding ever.

Veronica Mars

I am not talking about Kristen Bell, the actor who played Veronica Mars on the television show, I’m talking about the actual character. She’s adorable, smart as a whip, sharply sarcastic, and splits her time just about evenly between needing and doing the rescuing. She is, in a word, perfect.

The danger in this is in falling for someone who looks like Ms. Mars, but doesn’t have the finer qualities listed above. Avril Lavigne, for example, looks kind of similar if you squint hard enough, but I doubt that she could solve her best friend’s murder.

Left: Veronica Mars, the epitome of beauty, grace, and subtle derision of human stupidity.	Right: Avril Lavigne, whose main claim to fame is dating a guy on a skateboard, and spelling poorly.

Please do not confuse the two.^**Also out of the running: El, the electro-girl from Heroes, also played by Kristen Bell. A government-funded sociopath with daddy issues and a tendency to electrocute anyone that tries to hold her hand? No thank you.Ms. Bell, by the way, has apparently taken a turn for the naughty; it took me forever to find a picture of her that didn’t involve a small pieces of pink lace. Stuff Veronica would never wear.

Candles

I am a die-hard romantic, and those romantic tendencies tend to run towards the old-fashioned. In this context, that means a softly-playing piano, enough roses to make a botanist blush, and so many candles that the State of New York will require the presence of an off-duty Fire Marshal before they will sign the marriage license.

When this is on fire, it will be epic. And when all one hundred and twenty-seven of them are on fire…

A Sword FightAllow me to explain.One, there’s a whole lot of pressure on the bride - in this case, Veronica Mars - when the wedding day rolls around. I don’t exactly understand why this is - I mean, it seems like someone else could make sure that the flowers got hung on the right rafters, and that my candles haven’t burned the church down - but I recognize that it’s true.

The guy’s part in the whole affair? Show up. That’s it. Just show up, say “I do,” and hope there’s something good to eat at the reception.

This seems unfair to me, and I’d like to contribute a little bit more to the proceedings. Fighting off a jealous would-be lover seems like an admirable offering. It really shows that your committed to making this whole thing work out.

Then there’s the drama of the whole thing. Everyone always says that your wedding day is one you’ll never forget. How much truer would that be if, when the preacher says “should anyone know of a reason why this man and this woman should not be joined, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace,” he was answered not with the traditional awkward silence, but a guttural cry of “I’ll never let you have her, gyyyyyyaarrgh,” plus a drawn sword? People would be talking about that wedding for years.

Someone: Hey, do you remember Johny and Jenny’s wedding? They had such nice centerpieces, and Karl did a great job with the music.

Someone else: Yeah, that was nice. Hey, do you remember Thomas and Veronica’s wedding, where that crazy psycho pulled out a freaking sword, and Thomas had to save us all?

Someone: Oh yeah, that was neat. Also, he sure loves candles.

Which leads into the next reason I want a sword fight: I’m neurotic. Vastly so, as it turns out, but in this case, I’m talking about my massive hero complex. Many of my former loves were girls that needed a little rescuing, and there’s a part of me that still believes that the best love is formed under adverse conditions.

I have, in the last couple of years, realized that this isn’t the healthiest bedrock for a relationship to rest upon, but that’s what makes Veronica’s 50/50 split between rescuing and being rescued so attractive: it makes for more of a balanced relationships, and I’m willing to let her bail me out of a problem with the PCHers, as long as I get to beat up her psycho campus stalker.

Finally, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that nothing says “true love” like rescuing your bride from a nefarious malcontent with inappropriate intentions. When that vile villain draws his blade and announces his loathsome plan, it will seem a dark day indeed, but my inevitable triumph will prove, once again, that love conquers all.

If you don’t think this is romantic, you suck.

A Power BalladVeronica Mars, Epic Candles, and a Sword Fight. What’s left?Four minutes and thirty seconds of hair band sensitivity, that’s what.The only appropriate close to my dream wedding is a power ballad, where the hard-charging, hard-rocking bad guys put down the electric guitars and get in touch with their soft side. If that doesn’t just scream symbolism to you, you either do not know me, or have no soul.I haven’t settled on a particular song yet, but I have narrowed down the list some:

• To Be With You - Mr. Big
• More Than Words - Extreme
• Wind Of Change - Scorpions
• Bed of Roses - Bon Jovi
• I Would Do Anything For Love - Meatloaf

Feel free to suggest alternatives.

^* I started having mid-life crisis around 16 years old. I never thought I’d make it past 25. That’s made the last three years an unexpected roller-coaster, let me tell you.

^** I have admit that I do find her song Girlfriend kind of catchy, and her song Don’t Tell Me is an admirable, if clumsy, stab at asserting that women are more than sex objects. This statement would have been more believable, however, if the video didn’t involve her running around in her underwear. Someone needs to have a talk with the director on the subject of theme.

This is quite possibly the most adorable thing I’ve ever stolen off the internets.