Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Girlfriend: So, are we watching The Vampire Diaries again this week?

Thomas: Yep!

The Girlfriend: …I’ll go get my alcohol.

Jimmy: Hi Mason! I think you’re sleeping with my girl! Facepunch! Rib kick! Hair pull!

Mason Lockwood: Double leg takedown! Head break!

The Moon: Hello, Mason!

Mason Lockwood: …wait, what?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Thomas: Hey babe, wanna watch The Vampire Diaries with me?

The Girlfriend: …sure?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! It’s the eighteen hundreds, and we’re dancing! Kissyface!

Katherine Pierce: Tut tut, Stefan! You know these people are all sexually repressed! Let’s just wave at each other!

Stefan Salvatore: Say, Damon looks pissed that you picked me to escort you to the ball!

Katherine Pierce: Well he’s just going to have to concede the fact that you’re a better lover dancer than he is. Besides, he’s found someone else to occupy his time…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Ravish me please!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! They can afford me for this episode! Also, my hair got big!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. So, can I offer you something? Bourbon? Coffee? Bourbon in your coffee?

Thomas: Loves Damon.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s no time for coffee, Damon! We need exposition!

Alaric Saltzman: Right! So, as you all know, my evil ex-wife was all about the vampires. What you may not know is that she also had a side business researching werewolves!

Damon Salvatore: BS. I’ve been around for more than 160 years, and I’ve never seen one… if werewolves exist, where are they?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Thomas: Would like to point out that he is still pissed off at how fast people smother to death on TV. Go ahead, try to hold your breath for as long as Katherine was pillow-killing Caroline. Bet you didn’t die, did you?

Caroline Forbes: Wow, that sure was a wacky dream I had about Elena being a vampire and murdering me in my sleep! Tee hee!

Nurse Threelines: Um, back to bed honey.

Caroline Forbes: Gee, I sure am hungry. And you smell delicious. And that blood pack looks awfully tasty…

Nurse Threelines: That’s nice, dear. We’ll get you a psych consult in the morning.

Caroline Forbes: Blood sneak! Eew, this tastes disgusting! Just kidding! Blood is delicious! Om nom nom!

The soundtrack for The Vampire Diaries will be released on October 12^th. The track list:

• Stefan’s Theme – Mike Suby
• Running Up That Hill – Placebo
• Currency of Love – Silversun Pickups
• Hammock – Howls
• Sleep Alone (909s in the DarkTimes Mix) – Bat for Lashes
• Bloodstream (Vampire Diaries Remix) – Stateless
• We Radiate – Goldfrapp
• Obsession – Sky Ferreira
• Head Over Heels – Digital Daggers
• Down – Jason Walker
• Beauty of the Dark – Mads Langer
• Cut – Plumb
• All You Wanted – Sounds Under Radio featuring Alison Sudol of A Fine Frenzy
• The Fellowship – Smashing Pumpkins
• On Melancholy Hill (Feed Me Remix) – Gorillaz
• 1864 – Mike Suby

On a personal note, I’m a bit Bat for Lashes fan, and it’s cool that she’s got a remix on this CD. And the Plumb song is really good, too.

You can learn more, or pre-order, at TheVampireDiariesSoundtrack.com

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Elena Gilbert is the Hot Leading Lady. She’s also an orphan, and lives with her Aunt Jenna, who appears to be about twelve years old. (She’s twenty!)

Stefan Salvatore is a hundred-plus year old vampire who is oh so emo about his vampire ways and oh so hungry for Elena Gilbert’s girl parts blood. Also, Elena just happens to look exactly like Stefan’s sire Katherine Pierce, so much so that she’s played by the same actress.

Damon Salvatore is Stefan’s older vampire brother, who loves loves loves being a vampire, and also hates Stefan for turning him into a vampire. Well, kind of. Katherine gave them both blood – Damon willingly, Stefan via mind-whammy – but it was Stefan who convinced Damon to eat his first Cute Young Victim, thus completing his change. He’s also totally into Elena, even though he pretends otherwise. At first, it was just to piss off Stefan, but then Daemon realized Elena is totally hot.

The Salvatore Brothers have Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, which allows them to walk around during the day. Many of the vampires in Katherine’s company have similar magic jewelry, while most other vampires do not. The rings were made by Emily Bennett, a powerful witch and sometimes ghost.

Amber: Hey, do you guys want to go see Step Up 3D tonight? We totally know the hair dresser!

Thomas: Let me ask The Girlfriend. Hey, Girlfriend, do you want to go see Step Up 3D tonight?

AJ: Yes… but do you?

Thomas: Sure, I’m game.

Thomas: Is an idiot.

The Trailer: Stallone. Statham. Li.

The Audience: Wow.

The Trailer: Lundgren. Couture. Austin.

The Audience: God damn.

The Trailer: Crews. Rourke.

The Audience: Holy shit.

The Trailer: With uncredited cameos by Willis…

The Audience: Jesus effing Christ.

The Trailer: And Schwarzenegger.

The Audience: Mangasm.

Note: this movie is really good, and not as confusing as I’m making it out to be. But, well, I’ve been wanting to use this joke for a long time now, so…

Some Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Some More Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Even More Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

A Whole Bunch of Really Cool Stuff: Happens.

The Audience: WTF?

Christopher Nolan: Tada!

The Audience: Seriously. W. T. F.

The Producers: Nolan, this is a disaster! Everybody’s confused! They’re all going to tell their friends-

The Audience: My head hurts. We’re going to have to see this again just to figure out what the hell happened.

The Producers: Genius!

Adrien Brody: Yawn. Wow, that was a good… nap… shit.

Adrien Brody: Wow, I sure am glad to be alive!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at Adrien Brody.

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at the Russian Cannon Fodder.

Hot Girl: Points a gun at the Mexcian Cannon Fodder.

Adrien Brody: Stop! We can’t fight each other! We have a common enemy!

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Yeah? Who?

Adrien Brody: …anyway, let’s go find the rest of our rag-tag bunch of victims soldiers!