The room is dark, quiet. Agains one wall, a computer sits on an old desk, the glow of the monitor casting a soft light around the room. A frazzled, harried man sits down at the keyboard, and wipes his hand across his face. He cracks his knuckles, then stretches his hands over keys.

Alcohol. Delicious, delicious alcohol.

Team Damon: OMG SQUEE Damon did the voiceover for “previously on The Vampire Diaries” this week!

Thomas: Oh boy. This is going to be rough.

Stefan Salvatore: Garbs himself in his fanciest finery, and looks every bit the Southern Gentleman.

Katherine Pierce Elena Gilbert: Garbs herself in a corset and a bustle and all manner of other lady-things that Thomas isn’t going to bother to Bing.

Elena Gilbert: Corsets suck. Sadface.

Aunt Jenna: I told you not to eat that celery stick.

Mystic Falls: Is the only town in the country that still cares about the families that founded it.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! Happy Founder’s Day! I just dropped by to get some cotton candy. And steal Elena from you!

Team Damon: WHOO!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood. Glower. Brood.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t be so glum, chum! Though I guess it’s understandable, what with me being the hotter, better, superior choice.

Team Damon: You tell ‘im!

Stefan Salvatore: Glower. Brood. Glower.

Team Damon: But don’t worry… Elena isn’t Katherine!

Elena Gilbert: Hey guys! It’s crazy how much I look like Katherine, isn’t it? Tee hee! Curtsy.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna! Is there any way I can spin this so I’m sympathetic enough to you that you’ll sleep with me, and sympathetic enough to Uncle John Gilbert that you won’t fang him?

Anna: …No. But I did bring you a vial of my blood. Happy suiciding!

Elena Gilbert: Uncle John Gilbert is Daddy John Gilbert? Nose wrinkle.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, babe. But I wanted to tell you before Damon cock-blocked me.

Elena Gilbert: My life is so hard! Pout!

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Matt! Still pissed off I made out with your mom, then kicked your ass?

Matt Donovan: Eat me.

Tyler Lockwood: I’ll take that as a “yes.”

Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy! Still pissed off I aided and abetted the guys that killed your girlfriend, then had Damon mind-whammy you?

Jeremy Gilbert: Eat me.

Elena Gilbert: I’ll take that as a “yes.”

The Audience: Checks out.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Princess wave.

Damon Salvatore: Slides into frame. Hi Elena!

The Audience: Checks right back in.

Elena Gilbert: Eye roll.

Bonnie Bennet: Pukeface.

Damon Salvatore: Bonnie, wait! I just wanted to say thank you for using your mind rays to destroy the Plot Device so that Uncle John Gilbert can’t kill me! I like being alive! Sort of! I owe you!

Bonnie Bennet: Guiltyface.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, the Plot Device gives off a super-sonic, vampire-felling noise, driving the vampires to their knees. Then the cannon fodder Sheriff’s Deputies rush in and die inject them with vervain, and then, once the danger’s over, I rush in and stake-stake-stake my way into Aunt Jenna’s pants. Clear?

Anna: Hi guys! I may or may not be a snitch!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re hotter dressed in modern clothes. I mean, only a total loser would hang around you just because you look like some chick from 1864. Oh, wait, why does Stefan like you again…?

Elena Gilbert: Okay Damon I love Stefan and he’s worried that I might fall for you so you need to stop being all flirty and hot and you really need to stop doing that eye thing okay?

Damon Salvatore: What eye thing? Does the eye thing.

Team Damon: Swoon.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, that eye thing. Tee hee!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I’m a total bitch! How can I make that up to you?

Jeremy Gilbert: You can go to hell, Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Okay… Bing says that it’s like eleven hours away but that’s all right because Stefan has a car but wait it’s old and really slow and it might break down so maybe we should take Damon’s car that got us all the way to Georgia with no problem and I bet Stefan won’t mind! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Let’s see… I like Elena, Elena wants Jeremy to like her again… I know! I’ll beat up Jeremy until he stops being such an emo little bitch! Violence solves everything!

Stefan Salvatore: …Or we could try explaining ourselves rationally and patiently.

Damon Salvatore: ..Douche.

Sheriff Forbes: I think your plan to use the whole town as bait sucks!

Uncle John Gilbert: I understand your concerns, but before you say “no,” I’d like you to consider: donkey punch!

Anna: So… the tombpires are kinda sorta planning to murder everyone until they’re dead. But Uncle John Gilbert’s Plot Device can stop them! We should go hide where it’s safe!

Damon Salvatore: The Plot Device doesn’t work. The witch that hates me and you and everyone else made sure of it. Which means: super vampire being a hero to impress Elena and get into her pants powers activate!

Team Damon: That’s it, Katerina Graham is toast.

Katerina Graham: Wait, wait, you’re confusing me, Katerina Graham, the actor, with Bonnie Bennet, the character I play!

Team Damon: Hiss!

Katherine Graham: O_o Backs away slowly.

Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Let’s kill us some humans! And remember: only one main character!

Mayor Lockwood: Hey Tyler! I don’t want to cause a panic, but you and your friends need to take my car and get the hell out of here as fast as you can!

Caroline Forbes: OMG TERRORISTS! Panic!

Anna: Hi Jeremy! I need you to come into the ladies’ room so we can…

Jeremy Gilbert: ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease

Anna: …talk.

Jeremy Gilbert: Goddammit!

Mayor Lockwood: Mystic Falls is the kind of town everyone wants to call home. That’s why we have a population of 147!

Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Angryface!

Mayor Lockwood: Anyway! Significant look, chin nod.

Sheriff’s Deputy: Radio mutter.

Uncle John Gilbert: Plot Device powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: This is less than ideal!

Stefan Salvatore: And totally unforeseen!

Thomas: “Unfoeseen” has a lot of ‘e’s in it!

Sheriff’s Deputies: Anti-vampire pot needle powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Gets taken!

Mayor Lockwood: Gets taken! (Opps!)

Anna: Gets taken!

Stefan Salvatore: Gets taken rescued by Alaric!

Tyler Lockwood: Ow, my head! It’s like my eardrums are being pierced by a wolf whistle or something! I better crash my car!

Caroline Forbes: I’ll help!

Uncle John Gilbert: Don’t mind me, just pouring some gas on your soon to be less animated corpses! Oh, hi Anna! Stake!

Team Anna: Rage!

Uncle John Gilbert: Lights the building on fire.

Damon Salvatore: Being a hero sucks.

Mayor Lockwood: So, whatcha in for?

Damon Salvatore: Vampire. You?

Mayor Lockwood: Werewolf.

Damon Salvatore: Okay then.

EMT: Pulse steady, pressure good, eyes lupine… looks like he’s going to be okay.

Caroline Forbes: I’m not! Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire wildly inconsistent powers of hearing a burning building from three blocks away so I can hopefully rescue my brother in time so Team Damon doesn’t murder me in my sleep powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Elena! Arm grab!

Elena Gilbert: Please let me go so I can help my boyfriend help my other boyfriend good friend just friends nothing to see here please move along!

Uncle John Gilbert: I’m thinking… no.

Elena Gilbert: Please… daddy?

Uncle John Gilbert: …goddammit.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can stop fires with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s convenient! Rushes into the burning building.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Super vampire escaping because we can run really really fast powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: I love you Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: But… Damon is so hot and he’s a bad boy and I know how you girls love your bad boys and he does that thing with his eyes and…

Elena Gilbert: Not helping!

Jeremy Gilbert: Emo! Woe! Pain!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Jeremy! Anna’s dead! Also, I’m… what’s that word? Has to do with guilt? Sorry! I’m sorry about what I did to Vicki. It was… something about moral culpability, starts with a ‘w’… wrong! I was wrong. Man, being a good guy sucks.

Jeremy Gilbert: Is it true that vampires can shut off the emo and the woe and the pain?

Damon Salvatore: Sure is! Don’t go doing anything dumb now!

Sheriff Forbes: Hey guys! Caroline’s in surgery. Sure hope she doesn’t die like your father did!

Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s see… vial of blood, full bottle of narcotics… time to get this party started! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Stefan! I’m a witch! I can kill Damon with my brain! And you, too, if I need to! Better behave! </santa>

Stefan Salvatore: If I was the cool vampire brother, I’d totally be snapping your neck right now.

Bonnie Bennet: What was that?

Stefan Salvatore: Nothing! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to try and do the right thing. And by “right thing,” I totally don’t mean “turn your brother into a vampire!” Anyway, I’ve got this whole good guy thing going on now, and I kind of blame you for it. On the other hand, I’m not dead because you convinced Bonnie “I’m a Witch” Bennet to mind ray the flames away, so… cheek kiss!

Team Damon: Squee!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and by the way, mouth kiss!

Elena Gilbert: I support this idea! Smootch!

Team Damon: [note: Mere HTML is insufficient to convey the outpouring of squee at this turn of events -Thomas]

Aunt Jenna: Hi guys! I’m judgmental!

Uncle John Gilbert: Elena, I loved your mother, and I’m sorry about being such a raging douche.

Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: I accept your apology. Also: Super vampire cutting off your Ring of Not Dying (and all of your fingers) then stabbing you to death powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I’m home!

The Screen: Goes black.

The Vampire Diaries – Season One: Is over.

Season Two: Isn’t on until September.

The Fans: Nooooooo!</vader>

On to the next season!

Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! How’ve you been since I ripped your heart out, burned it, danced on the ashes, mothered an illegitimate child, hid her from you, slept with Damon, let Damon feed on me, and got turned into a vampire? And how’s Elena doing?

Alaric Saltzman: Eff. You.

Isobel Flemming: Well okay then! I’ll just go on a murder spree!

Elena Gilbert: Hey you! Just calling to check in!

Damon Salvatore: I-

Team Damon: Squee!

Damon Salvatore: Ahem, I’m fine, but Stefan… He’s all good and noble and not fanging innocent young girls anymore. You have him so whipped.

Elena Gilbert: Yay! Well I have to go meet Caroline!

Damon Salvatore: Have fun with her. I know I did.

Thomas: Direct quote. I <3 Damon.

Caroline Forbes: All of my friends are fighting, and that makes me sad! Because if they’re fighting, they’re too busy to pay attention to me!

Elena Gilbert: Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore: Broodface.

Alaric Saltzman: Angstface.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, what’s up with the emo-fest? You guys look like your long lost vampire wife / mother came back and threatened to murder the whole town or something.

Everyone Else: …

Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.

Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I’d like to introduce you to Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick and Largely Nude Sometimes Gay Cowboy! Vampire mind control powers rock!

Uncle John Gilbert: Look, babe… I may need you, but that doesn’t mean I like you. I do not approve of your lifestyle.

The Republican Party: Hey, we hate gays vampires, too! We should do lunch!

Isobel Flemming: Anyway, did you find the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo yet? No? Well, in that case, vampire bitchslap powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Allright, allright, letting Isobel murder the entire town is off the table. But I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to meet with her.

Elena Gilbert: But why? She’s my mother and well I don’t really love her in fact I kind of hate her but I still want to know where I come from because I never really believed that story about the stork and now I think it might have been a bat because you know vampire and besides it isn’t like she’s going to fang me or something! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: Can you hear me, Stefan?

Stefan Salvatore: Why yes, my wildly inconsistent powers of vampire hearing allow me to hear your hushed whisper in this crowded bar with perfect clarity!

Elena Gilbert: Oh good! I was afraid that I’d have to meet my mother all alone and there would be no one to protect me from the evil, child abandoning, husband leaving, whole town threatening vamp-

Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: -ire.

Isobel Flemming: Time for some character development! I’ll go first! I’m a huge bitch!

Elena Gilbert: That’s it?

Isobel Flemming: Yep!

Alaric Saltzman: I don’t get it! Why is my wife so cold and callous? Stefan is a vampire, and he’s all noble and good! You’re a vampire, and you’re… well, a dick, but at least you have feelings! What happened to Isobel?

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire sociopathy powers activate. It’s a thing. Can we kill her now?

Isobel Flemming: So, long story short, I want The Original John Gilbert’s Plot Device, and I’ll murder the entire town until you give it to me. And did I mention that I’m a huge bitch? Because I am. Tootles!

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Cautious attempts at comfort!

Bonnie Bennet: Screw you, vampire boy! I’m outta here!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna, Jeremy again. I’ve tried to leave you like three hundred voice mails today, but I guess you’re not getting them, because you didn’t call me back instantly. I heart you!

Uncle John Gilbert: Girl trouble, huh? I hope she’s not off plotting revenge for the murder of her mother or anything! But seriously, if you need someone to talk to… well, let’s just say I have intimate knowledge of the female of the species, if you know what I mean.

Aunt Jenna: Gag!

Uncle John Gilbert: I got into your pants, didn’t I?

Jeremy Gilbert: Gag!

Damon Salvatore and The Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick: Play Strip Poker.

Damon Salvatore: Is losing.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Swoon!

Isobel Flemming: Hey Damon! I want the Plot Device! Oh, and did I mention that I want it so I can give it to… Katherine? Also: sexy time now?

Damon Salvatore: One: I like this town, and I would appreciate it if you could not screw this up for me. Two: I like Elena, and I”m pretty sure she’s going to get bored with Stefan’s emotude soon-

Team Damon: Yay!

Damon Salvatore: …and I would appreciate it if you would not screw that up, either. Three: Katherine is a bitch. Four: I’m all about killing the messenger, because it sends a message. Also: throat grab! Head slam! Angry face!

Thomas: I still <3 Damon.

Bonnie Bennet: Elena, I’ve been a terrible friend! I know something’s wrong… what happened?

Elena Gilbert: I met my birth mother!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s great!

Elena Gilbert: She’s a vampire!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s less than ideal!

Tyler Lockwood: Hey bro, how’s your mom?

Matt Donovan: Oh, you mean the mom that I caught you playing tonsil hockey with? Eat me.

Tyler Lockwood: That… didn’t go how I planned.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey Elena! All of those Plot Devices the Original John Gilbert invented? Total crap! My ghost-witch-aunt used magic to make them work! The one your mom wants is a weapon! It kills vampires! That makes me happy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena! Do you know where Anna is?

Elena Gilbert: …how would I know where Anna is?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the vampire you’re sleeping with, or the vampire everyone watching wants you to be sleeping with, has talked to her recently.

Elena Gilbert: Sure, Elena. Just write everything down in your diary. No one’s ever stolen a diary before. And if they did, they wouldn’t believe vampires are real! They’d just assume you’re crazy, and throw you in a looney bin. Great plan, Elena, great plan.

Julie Plec is one of the producers of The Vampire Diaries. I’m not much for being star-struck, but: squee!

I have a folder of bookmarks in Firefox labeled “Vampire Positions.” It contains research for a story I’m working on, primarily a bunch of web pages on Feudal and Victorian government. Still, every time I see this folder, I stop and ask myself “was I really that hard up for porn? Did I really go looking for the fanged Kama Sutra?”

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, man, what a hangover! It’s like someone jabbed me in the side with a dart filled with anti-vampire pot or something! My head’s all fuzzy! In fact, I’m having a fever dream of…

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, I know how to rescue Katherine from the villagers and the pitchforks and the torches! All we have to do is make a lot of noise until the Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council shoots us!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, that doesn’t sound like a very good pl-

The Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Bang.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Die.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, but it is ever so hard to see my Stefan locked up like this!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, it’s a tragedy. Wanna see what’s on TV?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who’s not really dead… this guy! Wait, why am I not dead?

Emily Bennet: Oh, Katherine’s been mind-whammying you into drinking her blood for weeks. You’re a vampire now. Surprise!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, Damon’s alive! Katherine must have tricked him, too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, she… tricked me. Yep. That’s how it went.

Elena Gilbert: Figure out what the Original John Gilbert’s gizmo does yet?

Damon Salvatore: So far, it looks like it’s a plot device.

Elena Gilbert: Neat! Is it cool if I crash here again tonight?

Damon Salvatore: If I say “no,” will you do that thing where a girl wonders why you’re rejecting her, and throws herself at you? Because if yes, then no.

Anna: Hey Jeremy! I convinced my mommy to let me come to school, and I mind-whammied the guidance councilor to give me all of the same classes as you!

Jeremy Gilbert: …hot.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro! Brought you some rabbit blood! Drink up!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m sorry, I have like two whole episodes worth of brooding to catch up on. I’ll just be over here in the corner, glowering at the floor and flexing my shoulder muscles.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: …hot.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Damon! I’ve got a friend who’s a private investigator, and he thinks my vampire wife, who is also Elena’s vampire mother, is in Grove Hills!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Can you not call me please?

Damon Salvatore’s Product Placement Blackberry: Beeps.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon! Just putting together some clothes, and I’ll be right over!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great. Hey, Alaric… I changed my mind, come get me the hell out of here. Oh, Elena? Stefan like puppy blood. Big, floppy eared, golden retriever puppy blood. Can you bring some by? Tootles!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Uncle John! What are you doing here?

Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, just watching you rifle through your underwear drawer. Also: what would your mother think if she knew you were dating a vampire?

Elena Gilbert: Um… would that be the mother who is a vampire, or the mother who never told me I was adopted?

Uncle John Gilbert: …fair point.

Stefan Salvatore: Broods.

Damon Salvatore: Well, Katherine’s dead, our father betrayed us, and the villagers shot us. There’s nothing left to live for, so we might as well kill ourselves before we turn completely into vampires.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, but first, let’s bathe in the river. Together.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you have to eat because if you don’t eat you’ll get all dried out and corpsey and then how can I kiss you?

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan I love you and I want you to get better and I even brought you puppy blood please eat!

Stefan Salvatore: Suicidal brood!

Myspace, LiveJournal, Etc: We did that first.

Damon Salvatore: Drama queen.

Uncle John Gilbert: Well Pearl, I know you have no intention of giving me the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo, but I don’t think you counted on the power of my wit and charm. Behold… may I buy you a drink?

Pearl: …that’s it?

Anna: …blah blah blah, and they’re all looking for this Vampire Gizmo my mommy gave Damon, and now your uncle wants us all dead.

Jeremy Gilbert: How do you know Uncle John wants you all dead?

Anna: The Welcome to Mystic Falls fruit basket, with a card that says “Hey vampires, I want you all dead! Love, Uncle John Gilbert” was a big clue.

Jeremy Gilbert: You’re hot!

Anna: I’m naked!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s convenient!

Anna and Jeremy Gilbert: Smootch!

Damon Salvatore: No barrier on the threshold, bunch of blood in the fridge, looks like this place is home to a bunch of-

Henry the Random Vampire: Surprise fang tackle!

Alaric Saltzman: Surprise wooden stake knuckles!

Damon Salvatore: Vampires.

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Papa Salvatore: So, about this Watcher’s journal… I was thinking that my sons’ entries would read better as “hapless victims of the Battle of Willow Creek” than “dirty rotten hellbound vampire sympathizers.” What do you guys think?

The Original John Gilbert: Agrees.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Oh my! Someone went and unlocked this big old dungeon door! Well, I might as well bring in this bottle of blood!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Bottle slap! Intimidate!

Elena Gilbert: Get over yourself, Stefan. I’m not going anywhere. You see this face? This is my serious face. :-{ You know what happens when I put on my serious face.

Stefan Salvatore: Pout! Brood!

Damon Salvatore: So, what’s Uncle John up to these days?

Henry the Random Vampire: Oh, you know. He got me this house, taught me how to use the microwave, he’s having me spy on all of the other vampires so he can either kill them or take over the town or both, told me to separate my whites and my colors, the usual.

Alaric Saltzman: Neat. Oh, by the way: stake!

Henry the Random Vampire: Dies.

Thomas: Still wants to know why Alaric isn’t Team Uncle John Gilbert, and why he’s so buddy-buddy with Damon “I Ate Your Wife Then Vamped Her” Salvatore.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did I ever tell you how much The Original John Gilbert loved you? Wait, did I say “loved?” I meant “regretted not driving a stake through your heart.” My bad.

Pearl: Hey, did I ever tell you that I gave The Original John Gilbert Vampire Gizmo to your best buddy Damon? And that you can rot in hell?

Uncle John Gilbert: Well that’s less than ideal.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Why are you so broody?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, since you mention it…

Stefan Salvatore: Father, I have come to say goodbye!

Papa Salvatore: Egads! How can this be? I watched you die! After I shot you! For being a dirty vampire sympathizer! Stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Stakeblock! Bloodlust! First time fangs!

Papa Salvatore: That went differently in my head.

Alaric Saltzman: The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, I know, what with the sleeping with her and the fanging her and all. But I feel your pain. The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation, too. Beer?

Alaric Saltzman: Mmm. Blood?

Damon Salvatore and Alaric Saltzman: Coming Summer 2010: Bad Boys III: Whatcha Gonna Do When They Fang On You?

Pearl: Hey Anna, is that boyfriend I smell in your hair? Oh, and did I mention that we’re leaving town tonight?

Damon Salvatore: So, Stefan eating yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, he still feels too guilty! And I blame you!

Damon Salvatore: Oh really? Because…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! I just got back from killing our father, and I brought you a present! It’s a girl! Fangs!

Damon Salvatore: Sip, sip, fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! (Offscreen)

Elena Gilbert: So, uh, Damon? I may have accidentally left Stefan’s cage open, and he may have kind of wandered away without his Ring of Not Exploding in the Daylight. You wouldn’t happen to know how long it is until sunrise, would you? Tee hee!

Breakup Music: Plays.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, thanks for making me a vampire! I’m going to thank you by making the rest of your unending life a living hell!

Emily Bennet: And I just dropped by to tell you that you’re under a Gypsy curse: your heart is pure, and you shall never know true happiness!

Angel: I did that first… but at least you get to wink-wink and nudge-nudge the lead girl.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, with this ring, I thee prevent from exploding in the sunlight, and promise to love you and wink you and nudge you, till next season do us part.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! Smooch! Brood!

Team Damon: …goddammit.

Pearl: Oh, how sweet! The Token Black Vampire packed up my things for me! Hey, where did this stake in my heart come from? Dies.

Damon Salvatore: So, you feeling all righteous and straight edge again?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure do!

Damon Salvatore: Thank God… this whole “not quite so evil” thing was getting to be a drag. Now I can go back to hating you and eating cute young couples!

Anna: …Momma?

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, my life sucks. Just about the only thing that could make it worse would be if my vampire sort-of-ex-wife showed up.

Isobel Flemming: Hey Rick!

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Sports car: check. Leather jacket: check. Sunglasses: check.

Midlife Crisis: Underway.

Elena Gilbert: Hey babe! Does this mean you kicked your drug blood habit?

Stefan Salvatore: Ha! No! Now where are your cheerleader buddies?

Uncle John Gilbert: So, looks like your brother some as-of-yet unknown vampire has been stealing blood from the local Red Cross. Wanna help me track him down and stake him?

Damon Salvatore: I’m thinking… no.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! Guess how Damon has been spending his nights!

Damon Salvatore: Why, helping you track down evil, evil vampires of course! Innocent smirk!

Sheriff Forbes: It’s all right, Damon. I know all about your porn collection. You don’t have to be ashamed.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m back in school! And I’m a vampire!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m back in school! And I’m a witch! With straight hair! And bangs!

Alaric Saltzman: I’m teaching a class on Founder’s Day! Because this story needs exposition!

Anna: My mommy’s very very sorry that her friends kidnapped and tortured your brother!

Damon Salvatore: But not sorry enough to come and tell me herself?

Anna: Mommy doesn’t do apologies!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Well, Damon doesn’t do forgiveness, so that works.

Anna: By the way: your brother’s robbing the blood bank!

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in weeks! How’s it going, bestest of bestest buddies!

Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in… oh, that’s right! We’ve talked on the phone every night since you left! Mostly about how you hate vampires! And the girls that date them! Hey, I need help picking out a dress for Miss Mystic Falls!

Elena Gilbert: Miss Mystic Falls?

Caroline Forbes: You know, the beauty pageant that we’ve been planning for months, and that the writers totally didn’t come up with at the last moment! But you could totally drop out if you’re too busy!

Elena Gilbert: No, that’s all right. My mom had a whole Barbie doll thing going on with me. She’d want me to beat you enter.

Caroline Forbes: Sadface.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, Stefan! You sure are chipper! And that can only mean one thing…

Stefan Salvatore: No, Elena did not agree to dress up like the Biker from the Village People. Pout.

Damon Salvatore: I was going to say “human blood,” but that was way more intriguing…

Elena Gilbert: Hey baby! Will you take me to the Founder’s Day dance? And eat all of the competition for Miss Mystic Falls?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure, babe! But first…

Stefan Salvatore: Has enough blood stashed away to keep the Red Cross going for the next decade.

Damon Salvatore: Aw, man! I was hoping for Village People costumes! Anyway: you haven’t had human blood for a century and a half, and I know what you’re going through. You’ve got to be careful, man! You can’t go running around robbing blood banks and beating people up!

Stefan Salvatore: Are you trying to be the voice of reason here?

Damon Salvatore: …Goddammit! You see what you’re addiction has done to me?

Caroline Forbes: Here’s an extensive list of my civic involvement, charitable contributions, and noble character traits! Also, I’m pretty much the most beautiful human being alive!

Elena Gilbert: My mommy’s dead! Pity vote powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: So, Elena’s mom and I shared a common interest: sex. Also, some weird invention that Ye Old Gilbert Ancestors cooked up, which happened to fall into the hands of a vampire named… Pearl.

Damon Salvatore: Light switch. So… I’m thinking you need to A) shut the hell up, and B) get the hell out of my house.

Uncle John Gilbert: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone told the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council that you’re a vampire, don’t you think?

Damon Salvatore: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone ate the entire Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, then cut your hand off, smashed your Ring of Not Dying, and flayed you alive, wouldn’t it?

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey look at the time! Got to be going now! Tootles!

Mama Lockwood: Honor your partner…

Thomas: Is that what they call it these days?

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Flirty face!

Mama Lockwood: So, this dance is all about not actually touching your partner.

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Lame.

Caroline Forbes: I deserve to be MMF! My Grandma was MMF! Both my Aunts were MMF! But Elena’s probably going to win, since her stupid mother is all dead and stuff! Pout! </entitled-rich-white-girl>

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennet: Icy stare.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! What’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: You mean aside from the fact that your boyfriend is a blood-sucking fiend that got me kidnapped, my grandmother killed, and set a horde or vampires loose on the town? Nothing!

Unimportant Guy: Oh no! I tripped and fell and cut open my leg!

Stefan Salvatore: Bloodlust!

Alaric Saltzman: Intervention!

Stefan Salvatore: Throat grab!

Alaric Saltzman: So… is Stefan doing all right?

Elena Gilbert: Well, he went through a rough patch, but he’s bouncing back.

Alaric Saltzman: And by “bouncing back” you mean “eating the basketball team?”

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Aunt Jenna! Care to accompany me to the Founder’s Day Dance?

Alaric Saltzman: That’s all right, I’ve got this one! Cock block powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So Uncle John Gilbert knows our secret and thinks Pearl might have a MacGuffin that he really really wants and boy it would be a shame if my two worst enemies destroyed each other, wouldn’t it? Innocent smile.

Pearl: …

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Uncle John! Have you read any of Uncle John the First’s journals? Sure is crazy, what with all the vampires, huh?

Uncle John Gilbert: Sniff, sniff. Is that a future vampire hunter I smell?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! I’m getting dressed for the beauty pageant!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t let me stop you. Anyway, just thought you’d like to know Stefan’s off the wagon again! Later!

Anna: You used me! For sex fangs!

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, and you weren’t going to give my blood to your mother, like it says in John Gilbert’s Guide to Plot Complications?

Anna: …damn. Busted.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, you guys!

Elena Gilbert: I know you’re drinking human blood again!

Damon Salvatore: And I’m going downstairs to get drunk. Graceful exit.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, what’s wrong? I mean, aside from the stealing and the lying and the violent urges, I’m still the same broody guy who slept with you because you look like my ex!

Elena Gilbert: …

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Angst! Mirror smash!

Amber: Eeep!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Kidnap! Mind whammy!

Announcer Dude: Ms. Elena Gilbert, escorted by Mr. Stefan Damon Salvatore!

Team Damon: Squee!

Team Stefan: Grr!

Team Switzerland: Chocolate?

Elena Gilbert: This is horrible! What are we going to do?

Damon Salvatore: For now? Fake it. You should be used to that. You are dating my brother, after all.

Within Temptation: Plays.

Thomas: Already owns the album.

Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Dance.

Team Stefan: Rage!

Team Damon: Swoon!

Team Switzerland: Cheese?

Stefan Salvatore: I shouldn’t do this I can’t do this I’m the good brother and if I do this there’s no going back but you’re so tasty looking and I haven’t had a blonde in ages and oh emo!

Amber: Go for it!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Fangs!

Mayor Lockwood: Well, before I crown the winner, I’d like to thank all of these ladies for their efforts to better our community. By being physically attractive. And now, without further ado, the Elena Gilbert Award for being Really Really Hot goes to… Caroline Forbes!

Uncle John Gilbert: Signs of a struggle, blood in the sink, missing girl… you know what this means.

Sheriff Forbes: It means we need Damon to save us!

Uncle John Gilbert: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what that means. Facepalm.

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs!

Amber: Scream!

Damon Salvatore: Stop my brother from eating the human girl powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Throw my brother across the woods because I’m all hopped up on human blood and I’m not a wuss anymore powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Woe! Shock! Misery!

Bonnie Bennet: Did I mention I’m a witch? Mind ray powers activate!

Thomas: Huh. Well played, madam. Well played.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, who’s the girl chatting up Jeremy?

Aunt Jenna: That’s Anna! Her mother’s Pearl! They’re vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! You look like your boyfriend just fanged another woman!

Pearl: Hey Damon! Here’s the MacGuffin! We heart Mystic Falls! Whoo!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I know that wasn’t the real you! It’s the drugs blood that makes you do all these mean things! I know you really love me! And if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that a bad boy can be saved by the love of an innocent girl!

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Smash! Sorrow! Hug!

Elena Gilbert: It’s all right, Stefan, it’s all right. But, um… could you not put your face so close to my neck? Oh, and: verveine!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan? Remember how you locked me in this dungeon a few months ago? Really, this is for your own good.

Elena Gilbert: Keeping a vigil on my addict boyfriend powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Well, I’ve got nowhere better to be. Guess I’ll chill with you for a while.

Team Stefan: Weep!

Team Damon: Sigh!

Team Switzerland: Expertly crafted watch?

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Is using the “exercise and more exercise” method of dealing with his sexual frustrations bloodlust.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, you sure worked up a sweat! You know what you need? A nice warm glass of type O-Negative.

Stefan Salvatore: No! I cannot! For it is wrong, and I am a noble, penitent vampire! Perhaps even with a soul! </angel>

Damon Salvatore: Okay then. Well, I’ll just leave this glass sitting here on the end table..

Stefan Salvatore: Salivate, tummy ruble, drool…

Damon Salvatore: Ha! Gotcha!

Uncle John Gilbert: Has never been a good guy on a show ever, even if he seemed like a good guy to start out. Chances he’s a dick on TVD: about 100%.

Aunt Jenna: Hey uncle John! Did you sign the escrow papers so I can sell the old office so I can put Elena and Jeremy through college, and pay for the treatment for Lassie’s cancer, and feed some starving orphans?

Uncle John Gilbert: Ha, no! I’m going to use this one area of power to force myself back into your life, and make you cater to my every whim!

Uncle John Gilbert: Is a dick.

Elena Gilbert: My family situation is all screwed up!

Matt Donovan: My Family situation is screwed up!

Elena Gilbert: Let’s console each other!

Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes (Offscreen): Grumble, angst, pout.

Tyler Lockwood: Did you hear? They say Vicki ODed!

Jeremy Gilbert: Really?

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah man. They found a needle hole the size of a wooden stake right through her heart.

Jeremy Gilbert: Damn, that’s hardcore.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, fellow members of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, I fear I must report that the local blood bank had been raided, and numerous hikers and campers have gone missing. Those found have had their throats torn out, and been drained of blood. I fear there are vampires in your midst!

Mayor Lockwood: Is an adult in a teen horror series, and thus doesn’t believe him.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! Check out this history paper your brother wrote. It’s about vampires!

Elena Gilbert: What? But how could he know? I’ve done everything possible to protect him from this terrible knowledge! Like having Damon loooook into his eyyyyyyyyyyes </dracula> and burry his vampire ex-girlfriend’s body in a shallow grave and everything!

Aunt Jenna: Hey Uncle John! You’re a dick!

Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, why does she hate you so much?

Uncle John Gilbert: I never told her the Gilbert Family Secret: we’re vampire hunters! Also: we used to sleep together.

Aunt Jenna: Hey!

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about my brother! And I’m tired of all these secrets!

Stefan Salvatore: Have you thought about telling him the truth?

Elena Gilbert: What? That’s crazy talk! Anyway: smooch!

Stefan Salvatore: Grr! Arg! Ugh!

Elena Gilbert: What’s wrong?

Stefan Salvatore: My… fangs… are popping… out.

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about Stefan!

Damon Salvatore: Me too! He’s got a real chance to stop being such a boring dick all the time, and I’m really worried he’s gonna blow it. Hey, nice underwear drawer!

Stefan Salvatore: You know what always helps me get control of myself? Whiskey! Clang!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted! Let’s talk about vampires!

Jeremy Gilbert: …?

Stefan Salvatore: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Tyler Lockwood: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Thomas: Loves these people.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Wanna dance!

Elena Gilbert: You hate dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: Sober me hates dancing. Drunk me is about to act a fool!

Elena Gilbert: No one else is dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s because this music sucks! Hey DJ: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> Whoo!

Damon Salvatore: That’s my boy!

Elena Gilbert: You spin me right round baby, right round!

Elena Gilbert: Bumps into some dude on the dance floor.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Watch it, you clumsy cow!

Stefan Salvatore: Beer muscle powers activate! Plus, Dracula eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: I am very very sorry and it will never happen again and I think I wet myself can I go now please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: See babe! Nothing to worry about when I’m around!

Elena Gilbert: 0_o

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did you hear the story about the vampires who got sealed in an underground tomb, and were set free by a vampire named Damon salvatore, who happens to be masquerading as a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you hear the story about a guy who tried to threaten a vampire and got his neck snapped, and then got tossed over the balcony?

Jeremy Gilbert: Elena! Tell me the truth! Do you believe this story about Vicki ODing?

Elena Gilbert: What? What do you mean? Of course I do! Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Why won’t you look me in the eyes and say that?

Elena Gilbert: What? That doesn’t mean anything!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yes it does! I watch Lie to Me! And The Mentalist!

Momma Donovan: Awkward sexy time?

Tyler Lockwood: Eh, why not?

Matt Donovan: Dude? What the hell! Facepunch!

Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Reversal! Mount! Facepunch! Facepunch! Facepunch!

Alaric Saltzman: Dude, what the hell’s wrong with you?

Tyler Lockwood: Oh, I don’t know. Must be the full moon or something.

Damon Salvatore: So, do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope! Whiskey!

Damon Salvatore: Allow me to rephrase: do you want to hear about how the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council is back in vampire hunting mode, or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?

Thomas: Really. Direct quote. <3 Damon.

Momma Donovan: Weep, bleed, weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Why Mrs. Donovan! You combine two of my favorite traits in a woman: emotional dependency and open wounds! FInger lick!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, they sure did hire some hot women to come to this party!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m not dead!

Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did you notice Uncle John is wearing the same kind of Ring of Not Dying that you are?

Alaric Saltzman: You mean…?

Damon Salvatore: Yep. Pretty sure he was sleeping with your wife, too.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Shove! Taunt! Punch!

Stefan Salvatore: Fist grab! Hand crunch! Veiny Eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Hey look at the time go to be going what the hell are you please don’t eat me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Rummages through Elena’s room.

Elena Gilbert’s Diary: “Dear Diary, Stefan is a vampire! So is Damon! So was Vicki! But Stefan killed her and Damon took away Jeremy’s memories! So glad that’s over! Hehe! <3 -Elena”

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Some Dude on the Dance Floor was beaten up and is laying on the ground! Sure hope Stefan doesn’t have anything to do with this! Tee hee!

Tyler Lockwood: I’m sorry dad! I don’t know what came over me!

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, it’s okay, son!

Tyler Lockwood: Really?

Mayor Lockwood: Ha, no! Faceslap!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey guys! I know all about you vampires, and Katherine, and I’m also the one that sent your wife to Damon to get vamped, oh, and I’ve got a kill switch on my computer that will email all of the sexy photos dark secrets I have on you guys to the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council if anything happens to me. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: …but I, er…

Alaric Saltzman: …but he, wibble…

Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, you lying hussy!

Stefan Salvatore: Window creep! Hey, Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Heart attack! Hey babe! What’s up?

Stefan Salvatore: I got Mama Donovan’s blood on my hands, and it freaked me out, and I almost ate a guy, and I think I’m an addict and please please help.

Thomas: Well I’ll be damned. He actually told her.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: <3

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! We’ve got a problem… … and wow, you look like crap. Tell you what, I’m going to leave this cup of blood sitting here on the table, and head to bed. Later!

Stefan Salvatore: …Clang!

The Plot: Thickens.

Jeremy Gilbert: You have to make me a vampire!

Anna: No! I cannot condemn you to a life of… being able to walk around in the sun with our magic rings of not exploding, and living off of… conveniently available blood supplies, and being eternally young, and hot and… um… trust me, it’s a curse, all right! And why do you want to be a vampire, anyway?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because, um, well, er, you see…

Anna: Huh. Compelling argument, sparky.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: You mean like you did last episode? How’d that work for you? Girlfriend still dead?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am sad vampire! Sad vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: That’s great, honey. I’m going into town tomorrow, to check out the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire again! Angry vampire smash stupid Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Pearl: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Let’s go kick Pearl’s ass! With two of us, I bet she won’t even gouge out my eyes again!

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s think this through carefully, and concoct a plan that will result in minimal conflict, causalities, and entertainment!

Elena Gilbert: Can I get kidnapped again? Please?

Anna: Hey, nice anti-vampire pot bracelet!

Jeremy Gilbert: Thanks! My sister gave it to me! Wanna wear it? I <3 you!

Anna: You just wanna get in my pants coffin.

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, not just…

Stefan Salvatore: Going hunting!

Damon Salvatore: Say ‘hi’ to the squirrels for me!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey Stefan! Stake!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: You have 6 new messages from Damon Salvatore.

Damon Salvatore: You’re ignoring me.

Elena Gilbert: You’re a douche.

Damon Salvatore: Stefan is missing.

Elena Gilbert: Did I say “douche”? I meant “Charming, dashing, ever so helpful vampire who’s going to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back.” Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Pearl! Open this door or I’ll find someone older than you to kick your ass!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Sorry, Pearl’s not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message, please scream “stop torturing my brother!” after I insert a stake in his gut. Stake!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey ladies, what do you say to a little fan service?

Stefan Salvatore: Is tied up, mostly naked, and heaving.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Please use your magic ring of not dying to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back from the skeezy undead kidnappers!

Alaric Saltzman: Sorry miss, this ain’t my fight.

Damon Salvatore: Pearl can help you find your wife.

Alaric Saltzman: Let’s saddle up!

Jeremy Gilbert: You should turn me because my life sucks and I’m alone and oh emo!

Anna: You want a pity turn?

Thomas: Loves the writers.

Anna: No way, babe. We only turn people for various nefarious purposes. Oh, and true love. And there’s no way I’m going to truly love you for at least another episode or two.

Mayor Lockwood: Why hello there Pearl! It’s always nice to meet a hot potential voter! This is my son Tyler, who is still on this show!

Damon Salvatore: Wooden stakes, tranquilizer darts filled with anti-vampire pot, Anne Rice novels… looks like you’re good to go, Alaric.

Elena Gilbert: Ooh ooh ooh I wanna join the suicide mission too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, true love, I’d die for Stefan, blah bah blah. I can’t kick all manner of vampire ass if I’m also worried about your pert, nubile… ahem, so you can drive the getaway vehicle.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, can I use your phone? My car broke down.

The Human Who Owns the House: Sure!

Alaric Saltzman: And can you invite in my super good friend Damon?

The Human Who Owns the House: Oh, no, he’s not allowed in the house.

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s inconvenient. Say, do you have anyone else living in the house? Husband, kids, grandkids?

The Human Who Owns the House: Why no! It’s just me!

Damon Salvatore: Excellent. Neck snap!

Thomas: Standing ovation!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m bored. Wanna fang?

Anna: Hey! We’re a secret, remember?

Pearl: So, who’s that boy chatting up my sweet, innocent daughter?

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just Jeremy Gilbert, of the Vampire Hunting Gilberts.

Pearl: Angryface.

Damon Salvatore: Stake stake stakity-stake!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneakity-sneak!

Alaric Saltzman: Goddammit Elena. Rescue, rescue, rescity-rescue!

Caroline Forbes: Well, here I am, with a broken down car, no cell phone service, and rather insensible shoes. I better go traipsing through the woods! Hey, look, a dead body! Aieee!

Pearl: Stop seeing Jeremy Gilbert!

Anna: Okay.

Thirty seconds later:

Anna: Hey Jeremy, wanna fang?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I missed you and I love you and wow you sure are hot when you’re all naked and tied up and that gives me ideas for later tonight but wait you’re still in danger so let’s get you out of here and get you fed but not on me that’s gross and then let’s wink-wink and nudge-nudge!

Damon Salvatore: Women. Anyway, you two get out of here. As for me: Avenging Angel of Death powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Leaves a trail of bodies all through Pearl’s House of Significantly Fewer Vampires for Fredrick to find, and kicks all manner of ass.

Thomas: Note to self: do not piss off Damon.

A Bunch of Vampires: Vampire gang bang!

Damon Salvatore: Sadface

Alaric Saltzman: Rescue! Despite the fact that you ate murdered vamped my wife!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! I have tripped and fallen and cut open my hand! I hope this doesn’t drive Stefan into a blood-crazed frenzy! And look, our car has been inconveniently disabled!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window break! Boyfriend grab! Stake! Stake! Stake!

Elena Gilbert: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Erk!

Stefan Salvatore: Ack!

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Some Vampire: Fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Damon Salvatore: Let’s blow this popsicle stand!

Dozens of Vampires: Surround Pearl’s House of One or Two ^^{Lots and Lots of} Vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Back door?

Alaric Saltzman: Back door.

Momma Donovan: I made dinner!

Caroline Forbes: I found a body!

Sheriff Forbes: It was your daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you need to wake up because I love you and I love your abs and you can’t die because I’d miss you and also that skeezy vampire is waking up and I’d really like it if you killed him and hey look I’m bleeding and now I have a plan!

Stefan Salvatore: Reluctant fangs!

Elena Gilbert: Ambiguously orgasmic expression!

Pearl: What did you do?!?

Damon Salvatore: Um, rescued my brother from your merry band of torturers?

Pearl: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Carry on, then.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire stake stupid Stefan Salvatore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who just drank human blood for the first time in a century, and is feeling a lot better? <– this guy!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Range! Stake stake stake stake stake!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Stop!

Stefan Salvatore: Shove! Shock! Sorrow!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: So, it sure was awkward how you saw me go all medieval on that skeezy vampire, wasn’t it? Nervous laugh.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, it’s all my fault! My delicious blood done drive you into a frenzy!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: Rings inconviniently.

Elena Gilbert: Hold on… Wait, they found whose body where?

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Matt Donovan: No, thanks, I’m going to cry on the shoulder of my hot ex-girlfriend, of whom you are vastly jealous.

Elena Gilbert: Hi, Matt!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, we were bad. ass.

Alaric Saltzman: Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: So, same time next week? Call me!

Damon Salvatore: Walks past lots and lots of empty blood bags.

Stefan Salvatore: Is huddled in a corner like an addict on a three day Meth bender.

The Plot: Thickens.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Om nom nom.

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Orgasmic sigh.

Anna: Um… you okay?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Yes I am perfectly fine and no there are no vampires holding me hostage and drinking my blood would you like some pie? </stepford-wife>

Anna: D-:

Matt Donovan: Mom, we talked about this. You were out way past your curfew, you brought a boy home with you, and you need to get a job.

Caroline Forbes: Hi, Momma Donovan!

Momma Donovan: Rowar! Cat Hiss!

Caroline Forbes: D-:

Stefan Salvatore: Woe is me! Damon still won’t make out talk to me!

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! My mother is missing got eaten by Damon is a vampire! Who’s related to the vampire that sired you, and screwed damon over!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampires suck.

Jacob “Abs” black: Word.

Matt Donovan: Wanna watch a movie tonight?

Caroline Forbes: And spend time with your deadbeat alcoholic mother who also hates me? Boy do I!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Smooch!

Matt Donovan: She used to kiss me like that…

Caroline Forbes: What was that?

Matt Donovan: What nothing got to go late for class pick out a movie I’ll see you later bye!

Pearl: And this is how you send a text message, which is what you do when you don’t want to talk to somebody.

Anna: I mind-whammied us a car and an ATM card! Let’s go shopping!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr, I’m overbearing and paranoid!

Harper: I’m meek and helpful, just like my kind should be!

Thomas: Well that’s awkward.

Caroline Forbes: We should go on a double date! So I can make sure my manwhore of a boyfriend doesn’t still have the hots for you!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds…

Stefan Salvatore: Like a great idea!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what now?

Pearl: Hi, Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi, Pearl! Throat grab!

Pearl: Aww, it’s so cute when you pretend to be all tough. Damon tossing powers activate!

Anna: Smirk!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’ve recently discovered that vampires are real, and I need to know how to defend myself and the people I love! Where can I find this information I know, an internet chat room!

Pearl: So Anna tells me you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council. Have you ever considered a career as a double agent?

Damon: Have you ever considered a career in shutting the hell up?

Pearl: Hm. You make an interesting proposition. To which I reply: eye gouge!

Thomas: Huh. Pearl’s kind of a badass.

Stefan Salvatore: Surprise! Flowers!

Elena Gilbert: Aww! That’s so sweet I want to cancel our double date!

Stefan Salvatore: I thought you wanted to be more “normal teenager” and less “I’m dating a vampire who’s brother is a vampire, and they’re both surrounded by vampires that keep trying to eat me and do that freaky dracula-eyes thing.”

Elena Gilbert: Have you ever even been on a double date?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure. ’72. Twins. Playmates, actually. I got Ms. June.

Elena Gilbert: Is oddly okay with that.

Momma Donovan: You’re an alcoholic! That’s sexy!

Damon Salvatore: You’re an old woman. That’s not sexy.

Aunt Jenna: I used to be an alcoholic! I’m twenty!

Shots: All around.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Push!

Harper: Shove!

Pearl: Throat grab! Bad vampire! No treat!

Elena Gilbert: So how do you like working here at the Bar-Grill-Pizzaria-Pool-Hall?

Matt Donovan: It’s great! My girlfriend looks down on me, I’m trapped in a dead-end job, and I don’t make enough money to take care of my deadbeat mother! Also: they cannot keep a bartender.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: I’m dead!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Knowing look.

Damon, Momma Donovan, and Aunt Jenna: More shots whoooooooo!

Everyone else: 0_o

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well, I’ve decided to ignore Pearl’s orders and head into town! Sure hope no one gets staked!

Anna: He Jeremy, I’m back!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! I’m anemic! I bet my blood tastes horrible!

Damon Salvatore: The primary reason for my existence has deserted me, and after the events of today, the shaking remains of the ground I walk on are about to go “kaboom.” Crazy eyes.

Momma Donovan and Aunt Jenna: …so… more shots whoooooooo!

Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan: Hey, do you remember all of those stories from when we were dating, that totally don’t involve the people we’re dating now? Weren’t those great?

Caroline Forbes: Gilbert. Bathroom. Now.

Aunt Jenna: Ooooh crap they saw us I know they saw us dammit we’re busted how am I ever going to be a responsible adult now that my niece has seen me doing shots with her ex-boyfriend’s deadbeat mom and her boyfriend’s ridiculously hot brother?

Jeremy Gilbert: So… have you ever wondered if vampires might be real? And living in Mystic Falls? And sitting on my couch?

Anna: What no why would you say that that’s just silly and I totally made everything I ever told you about vampires up. Nervous laugh.

Caroline Forbes: So rowar could you scratch stop hitting claw on my bite boyfriend?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey, Katherine!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, this double date was a great idea!

Stefan Salvatore’s Cell Phone: Hey babe! The skeezy guy over buy the bar just called me Katherine! Hoping to not get kidnapped again tonight! <3 E (Sent from my Product Placement Blackberry)

Stefan Salvatore: So Matt… you know how you said people didn’t like me because I seem rich and entitled and spoiled? You are really going to hate my mansion and my really old, really expensive sports car that Thomas can’t identify.

Aunt Jenna: I’m drunk! And I broke a heel!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well allow me to break the other one! Also: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Aunt Jenna: Wide, glassy eyes. Ha! Did I mention I’m drunk! And you’re kinda lame!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Pout. Hey, what’s that scent you’re wearing?

Aunt Jenna: Oh, Elena gave it to me. I think it’s called “eau de anti-vampire pot.”

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s have dinner! I’ll slice up the meat!

Thomas: He’s going to cut himself. There is no way he’s not going to cut himself. If he doesn’t cut himself, I’ll eat this keyboard.

Jeremy Gilbert: Cuts himself. On purpose.

Thomas: I’ll be damned. They still managed to surprise me. Well played, show, well played.

Anna: Grr! Arg! Yum!

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Make up, kiss, manage not to get eaten.

Damon Salvatore and Momma Donovan: Bow chicka bow wow!

Matt Donovan: Mom?!?

Momma Donovan: Well this is awkward.

Pearl: Anna! Where have you been, young lady?

Anna: Well I sure wasn’t making out with / snacking on the Gilbert boy, that’s for sure! Nervous laugh.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window Crash!

Damon Salvatore: Vampire wrestling powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire’s Skeezy Girlfriend: Window Crash!

Stephan Salvatore: Vampire stake through the heart powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey look at the time got to be going bye!

Stephan Salvatore: Waitaminute, they were trapped in the tomb…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, about that…

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: So… Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend might have gotten staked when we attacked the Salvatore brothers, kinda like you said.

Pearl: Hmm. Well, no biggie. Also: stab!

Elena Gilbert: I had a really good time on our date tonight!

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a liar!

Elena Gilbert: Am not! Aside from Matt hitting on me all night, and Caroline getting all catty with me, and your brother making out with Momma Donovan, it was great!

Damon Salvatore: Burns the Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend’s body in the fireplace.

Anna: How did you know I was a vampire?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. It might have had something to do with all of the articles you gave me to read on vampires, oh, and the way you fanged out when I kissed you. Also: can you make me a vampire please huh please can you?

The Plot: Thickens.

Leonardo DeCaprio: Sees dead people.

Moonlight shines down on an empty clearing in the woods, casting everything in an eerie glow. Nearby, empty cans of beer and the smoldering remains of cigarettes – and other smokeables – litter the ground, evidence of a party that has recently broken up. The moonlight glistens off a recently used flamethrower, laying next the the charred body of a creepy-ass former bar-tending vampire. The detritus of some arcane magical spell tell those knowledgeable in such things exactly what occurred here.

Producer: Well, previously, on The Vampire Diaries….

Thomas: just realized that if Isobel is Elena’s mother… Alaric might be her father. God, I hope she doesn’t think he’s hot…

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Hikes through the forrest, in the middle of the day, with cheerful sunlight beaming down on him, nary a care in the world.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Dude, what day is it?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Saturday.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: What year?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Um… two-thousand… ten…?

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Woah. Bummer. Well, it was nice to meet you! Fangs!

Thomas: So, all of Katherine’s vampire buddies have Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight. We’re less than a minute into this, and already the Plot: thickens.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Aaaand since you aren’t using these clothes anymore… yoink!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Bonnie I love you Bonnie and I miss you Bonnie and I’m sorry your Grandma died but I know what that’s like because my fake mother died only I didn’t know she was my fake mother so it really really sucked and I hope you come back soon because it’s in your contract and the producer would get all angry again! Bye bye!

Aunt Jenna: So, who wants to know about their biological mother?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, oh, I do, I do! Pick me, pick me!

Aunt Jenna: Okay! So I borrowed the medical records from you fathers practice, because HIPPA doesn’t apply on television, and then I used my awesome detective skills to track your mother’s sister-cousin-whatever down!

Elena Gilbert: You mean you used-

Aunt Jenna: That’s right! Bing!

Thomas: Eff you, show.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, so your biological mother might be Alaric’s wife? But she’s dead!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! That would mean both my mothers are dead! Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, it can’t be. There’s no way your mother was married to a vampire slayer, and got eaten by Damon.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey look at the time got to go Damon needs me see you later call me babe! Two fingers, miming a phone.

Damon Salvatore: Is mourning Katherine’s loss/betrayal/indifference. And by “mourning,” of course, I mean “cavorting with and snacking on a bunch of mostly naked sorority chicks.”

Stefan Salvatore: So… did you eat Elena’s real mother?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, probably. Who can keep track, amiright? Anyway, I need to go exploit some women! TTFN!

Thomas: Really doesn’t have to change Damon’s dialog to make it funny.

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Cuddle on the couch, watching some kind of sports show.

Caroline Forbes: This is boring. We should do something not boring.

Matt Donovan: Like…?

Caroline Forbes: Sexy time!

Mamma Donovan: Oh god, not on the couch.

Matt Donovan: Ah!

Caroline Forbes: Eep!

Matt Donovan: Strategically places a pillow on top of Caroline.

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Hang up a sign for the Mystic Falls Meat Parade

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Smootch!

Aunt Jenna: So… this seems like a convenient time to ask… were you married to Elena’s mother?

Alaric Saltzman: No way, Isobel never had a baby.

Aunt Jenna: You sure? Here, look at this photo I have on my Product Placement iPhone.

Alaric Saltzman:

Elena Gilbert: Is now driving a Product Placement… car I don’t recognize. But it’s sporty!

Elena Gilbert: So, do you know Isobel Flemming? And did she happen to look a lot like me when she was a teenager?

Trudi Peterson: OMG you’re her daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Well that was easy. Do you know who my daddy is?

Trudi Peterson: Yes I do, and holy hell does that answer scare the crap out of me. No, no I most certainly do not. Oh, tea’s done! Lemme go grab that!

Trudi Peterson (on her cell phone): She’s here!

Alaric Saltzman: So about your brother eating my wife…

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, now is seriously not the time.

Alaric Saltzman: …and Elena’s mother…

Stefan Salvatore: Jaw clench, angry pout, close face.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Kiss him kiss him kiss him!

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll deal with it. Stalks away angrily.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: They never kiss. Pout.

Alaric Saltzman: So whatcha up to babe?

Isobel Flemming: Nothing much. Just researching vampires!

Trudi Peterson: Hey, I’ve got some photos to distract you until the creeper I called shows up show you! And you haven’t touched your tea which I roofied!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, this tea tastes like anti-vampire pot!

Trudi Peterson: Hey look at the time well it was nice talking to you now could you please get the hell out of my house now k thnx bye!

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Lurks creepily in the middle of the street.

Ominous Music: Lets us know that we should be afraid. Thanks, music!

Alaric Saltzman: Deals with his grief in the traditional manner: alcoholism.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, mind if I join you! Being sober is depressing!

Alaric Saltzman: You aren’t the type to get depressed.

Damon Salvatore: Do you… know me?

Alaric Saltzman: What me no never saw you before and I’m sure not looking for revenge for you eating my wife!

Damon Salvatore: Note to self: eat new history teacher.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! I’m mourning the loss of my psycho vampire ex! And your husband went gay! We have so much in common! We should be drinking buddies!

Sheriff Forbes: Hey, do you want to be part of our Bachelor Raffle?

Damon Salvatore: A room full of women, clamoring for a date with me? Sounds… tasty.

Thomas: Really, I just quote him. That’s all I need to do.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and can you check out Alaric Saltzman for me? He seems shifty.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Thanks for letting me know the kid showed up.

Trudi Peterson: Dies.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Culture shock!

Some Woman on a Park Bench: Meaningful look.

Elena Gilbert: Stephan?

Damon Salvatore: Even better! Me! And I’m mostly naked!

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: So… your mom was totally banging your history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF I have to talk to him.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so… could you not?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Because Damon killed your mom and Alaric wants him dead. Oh, no reason. Innocent whistle.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry I had to tell you your wife had a kid! But now you can be bestest friends with her daughter, my niece, and your history student: Elena!

Alaric Saltzman: Hello bourbon, my best and only friend! Clang!

Caroline Forbes: My boyfriend is cougar bait!

Mamma Donovan: Hey Elena! You broke my son’s heart! Hey rebound girl from the couch!

Sheriff Forbes: So I did some checking. Alaric Saltzman’s wife was murdered. Her name’s Isobel. Here’s here picture!

Damon Salvatore:

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did I ever tell you how I met your wife? Had a drink with her once. She was… delicious.

Thomas: Seriously. Direct quote.

Salt and Wound: Meet.

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF you rat bastard!

Damon Salvatore: Oh relax, he’s just the history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: That was my mother!

Damon Salvatore: …well that’s awkward.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: I have a message for you. Stop looking for your mother. She doesn’t want to know you.

Elena Gilbert: My mother’s alive! I have to find her.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: That’s… kind of like what I had in mind. But whetevs, my mission here is done. Plays in traffic.

That: Ends splat-ily.

Damon Salvatore: Are you really that stupid?

Alaric Saltzman: Yep! Stake lunge!

Damon Salvatore: Falcon punch!

Falcon Punch: Solves teen pregnancy. And vampire slayers.

Alaric Saltzman: What did you do to my wife?

Damon Salvatore: Slept with her, of course. Oh, and turned her into a vampire. And then slept with her again. Stab!

Alaric Saltzman: Gurgle, gurgle, dying.

Stefan Salvatore: WTF man? These are nice carpets!

Damon Salvatore: Whatevs, man. I’m going to go back to obsessing about Katherine. Later!

Alaric Saltzman: Twitch, groan, oh god I almost wish I was still dead.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, so you a vampire now?

Alaric Saltzman: Nope! My wife gave me a Ring of Not Dying When Damon Rams A Stake Through My Lung! The little strumpet.

Elena Gilbert: Dials the Creepy Ass Old Guy’s phone

Isobel Flemming: Was there a problem?

Elena Gilbert: Mommy?

Isobel Flemming: Click

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Meets up with Pearl and Anna-No-Last-Name.

The Plot: Is already pretty thick, thank you very much.