Stefan Salvatore: slumbers peacefully in his study, when he awakes to a ghostly, echoing voice, a mysteriously open window, and a shadowy figure flighting through his house, Menacingly.

The Shadowy Figure: bum rushes Stefan, takes him to the ground, and mounts him.

Stefan Salvatore: oh, hey babe.

Lexi: Surprise birthday tackle!

Stefan Salvatore and Lexi: are apparently having a tickle fight, and reminiscing about the weekend they partied with Bon Jovi. They also mention that the Magic Don’t Make Me Explode in the Sunlight rings are apparently keyed to a single owner, and that Damon is a canine of female persuasion.

Sheriff Forbes: So, anyone know where Vicki went off to?

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Hey, have you seen our impersonation of a stone wall? It’s really good!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, people get hurt and die around you, and that-

Bella Swan: -is so hot, am I right?

Elena Gilbert: Um, no, I was going for “creepy, dangerous, and wrong,” but whatever turns your crank.

Damon Salvatore: Why don’t you want to sleep with me like all the other girls?

Lexi: Um, have you met you? You’re a jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on. goes in for the kiss

Lexi: throat grab! Bad touch. Do. Not. Want.

Thomas: Lexi: my new favorite vampire.

Bonnie and Grandma Bennet: blah blah blah, witches are awesome, and this ugly amulet is going to be Very Important in a latter episode. Also, I’m still psychic.

Aunt Jenna: looks twelve again.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Thomas: Whatever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, could you guys complain about boys a little quieter? I’m trying to study over here.

Elena Gilbert and Aunt Jenna: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, here’s a stash of anti-vampire pot.

Sheriff Forbes: Awesome! Let me tell you everything I know about the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to stay in bed all day?

Elena Gilbert: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: Well then I’m getting into bed with you.

Thomas: I will never understand how this doesn’t squick girls out.

Tens of Men Around the Nation: Hey, are they gonna…?

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: No.

Elena Gilbert: So, can you help take my mind off the fact that I broke up with Stefan?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure. Look, I can float feathers with my brain!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, your supernatural tendencies are way less freaky than my blood-drinking ex boyfriend’s.

Caroline Forbes: appears to have forgotten her pants.

Caroline Forbes: Damon, you’re a jerk and a meanie and you hurt me and I’m not going to –

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: Oh my gosh Damon it’s so good to see you where have you been can we make out now?

Damon Salvatore: So, party tonight, everyone is invited, especially the chick that stole my amulet, and the person I’m going to frame for all of the murders I committed these last few weeks.

Lexi: Stefan, seriously, just jump in the sack with the girl.

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? We’re going to drag this our for as many seasons as possible.

Lexi: Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Did you ever watch Moonlighting?

Lexi: Okay, good point. drinks blood from her sippy cup

Damon Salvatore: So, who wants to go to the conveniently timed party tonight?

Lexi: That’s a great idea! I bet showing up to a party with a hot girl from out of town roughly fifteen minutes after you broke up with Elena won’t be awkward at all!

Elena Gilbert: Um, hi… who are you, and why are you naked?

Lexi: I’m Lexi, Stefan’s hot friend from out of town! I just got out of the shower. You know, the shower Stefan is in right now. Also, holy crap you look just like Katherine, Stefan what the hell is wrong with you you have serious emotional issues you freak.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I just dropped by to tell you that I’m not sleeping with the naked girl, and to let you know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Also: you totally broke up with me on my birthday. Tootles!

Caroline Forbes: Gimme the crystal! grabs, gets shocked

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Girl: Did you hear that?

Boy: Less talk, more nookie.

Damon Salvatore: eats the boy

Girl: screams

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, Jeremy’s been acting all weird since you mind-whammied him. He’s studying, he’s not moping around anymore, he’s not doing drugs…

Damon Salvatore: And you’re complaining about this because…

Lexi: Hey, did I ever tell you how I loved a human guy and even though we went through a lot of stormy weather what with me being an immortal blood sucking fiend love conquers all and you should totally hook up with Stefan because he has great cheekbones? slams three shots of tequila

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Stefan Salvatore: Girls make the best wingmen.

Caroline Forbes: Matt you’re so nice do you think I’m shallow I don’t want to be shallow I want to be deep like the abyss hey are those curly fries?

Thomas: God drunk girls can be annoying.

Sheriff Forbes: Who did this to you?

Girl Damon told me to tell you that it was the hot blond chick from out of town.

Sheriff Forbes: Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, assemble! We’ve got a blond to kill!

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: shoots Lexi up with some anti-vampire pot water.

Lexi: fangs!

Damon Salvatore: stake!

Thomas: totally saw that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: totally saw that happen.

Stefan Salvatore: This was the last straw! I have to kill Damon! And by “kill,” I mean injure slightly, and piss off royally!

Bonnie Bennet: I have scary psychic sleepwalking dreams in my brain!

Thomas: That’s nice, sweetheart.

Tyler Lockwood: is leaving the school at roughly two o’clock in the morning, for some reason.

Vicki Donovan: Hey baby, wanna neck?

Tyler Lockwood: Score!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: fang block!

Vicki Donovan: sadface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Tyler Lockwood: gets all fuzzy in the head, and then gets tossed across the parking lot.

Vicki Donovan: Hey bro, just wanted to call and let you know that I can’t tell you where I am or why I ran away, but everything is peachy keen okay, so don’t worry about me. Bye!

Matt Donovan: Well, that cryptic, forced sounding call has assuaged all my fears, and I will no longer worry about the possibility that my kid sister has become one of the undead. Time for math class!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, there’s nothing in the newspaper about that Logan guy I ate last night. WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: Famewhore.

Vicki Donovan: So, can we eat someone now?

Stefan Salvatore: No! That would be wrong, and immoral, and blah blah blah I’m such a drag!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t listen to him, he was like a nun in a past life or something. Of course we can eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Murder is wrong!

Damon Salvatore: We’ll just take a sip.

Stefan Salvatore: She’ll lose control!

Damon Salvatore: Man I hope so.

Stefan Salvatore: It isn’t right!

Damon Salvatore: I’m way hotter than you.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vicki Donovan: He wins. Let’s go snack on a villager or something.

Stefan Salvatore: No people food! Here, have some Bambi-juice.

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: I have great cheekbones.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Also, calling a vampire arrogant and glib? Poor life decision.

Elena Gilbert: If you wanted me dead, I would be. But I’m not.

Damon Salvatore: Yet.

Elena Gilbert: gulp

Elena Gilbert: So, the entire town is out looking for Vicki. We’re getting uncomfortably close to the “pitchforks and torches” part of the plot.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, Vicki is an emotionally troubled drug addict with a newfound penchant for violent throat dissection. I think I should keep her here for a while.

Vicki Donovan: But I wanna go out and play!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Vicki, how are ya?

Vicki Donovan: Dead, you?

Elena Gilbert: awkward…

Bonnie Bennet: So, were our ancestors burned at the stake in Salem?

Grandma Bennet: No, they were smart enough to ditch when they started those shenanigans. But it’s important that we stay hidden.

Bonnie Bennet: You teach a class on the occult at the local college.

Grandma Bennet: Yeah, and?

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: So, we screwed up last episode’s vampire hunt, huh? Man, if that vampire finds us, we are so screwed.

Damon Salvatore: whistles innocently

Caroline Forbes: Hey Bonnie, I got you a costume!

Bonnie Bennet: A witch? You want the girl who starts fires with her brain to dress up like a witch?

Caroline Forbes: Yep! Also, here’s that magic amulet that Damon will probably kill you to get back. It looks fantastic with your skin tone!

Stefan Salvatore: Caffeine is our friend. It circulates through our veins, and warms us, so we aren’t so cold to the touch.

Thomas: Are you freaking kidding me? Starbucks is one of the signs of vampirism now?

Elena Gilbert: So, I was thinking you shouldn’t see Jeremy any more, you know, since you kind of look at him like a snack box now.

Vicki Donovan: throat grab!

Elena Gilbert: gurgle!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’ve been cooped up in this house all day. Wanna go outside for a bit!

Vicki Donovan: Wow, do I!

Stefan Salvatore: But she might run away! And then eat somebody!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on, what are the odds?

Vicki Donovan: runs away

Damon Salvatore: Huh. My bad.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, right?

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: What? No!

Damon Salvatore: <whisper>I can score you some anti-vampire pot…</whisper>

The Plot: thickens

Tonight: is Halloween.

Elena Gilbert: is a sexy nurse.

Matt Donovan: is a bloody doctor.

Jeremy Gilbert: is a stoner. With his hood up.

Vicki Donovan: is a vampire.

Thomas: sees what you did there.

Vicki Donovan: So… many… tasty… teenagers…

Stefan Salvatore: No people food!

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Damon Salvatore: flirts

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: giggles drunkenly

Information: pours out like water

Damon Salvatore: Hey, my necklace! gimme!

Bonnie Bennet: No way, creeper!

Damon Salvatore: grabs the necklace, and gets burned for his trouble.

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Vicki Donovan: tries to feed on Jeremy, then grabs Elena, and latches onto her neck like a… neck… latching… thing.

Stefan Salvatore: No one eats my woman! six foot wooden stake!

Vicki Donovan: is significantly more corpse-like with a giant piece of wood though the heart.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: So, Damon, you know how they say friends help you move, and best friends help you move bodies? Well, a funny thing happened at the Halloween party tonight…

Elena Gilbert: You jerk! You did this to her! People keep dying around you! slap!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, you might not have noticed, but, one, I’m evil, and two, you’re bleeding profusely from several major lacerations. It might be a good idea to make like a tree and get away from the evil, angry, hungry vampire with great hair.

Jeremy Gilbert: sobs

Elena Gilbert: commiserates

Stefan Salvatore: wants to help

Elena Gilbert: Can you erase his memory?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Damon Salvatore: I’ll do it.

Everyone: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I wish I knew how to quit you.

Producer: Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: …Jerk.

Producer: What was that? Oh, never mind, your opinion is kind of irrelevant anyway. So, Boring Vampire, why don’t you stroke Nina’s hair. Yeah, pretend it’s Evil Vampire’s. Whatever. Now, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: What, should I lick her again?

Producer: No, good idea, because it was mine, but we’ve done that already. Instead, why don’t you grab her throat, like you’re going to throttle the life out of her. Sweet. Now, Elena, try to look…

Producer: Never mind, you seem to have it under control.

Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, I think my boyfriend is a blood sucking monster. former cheerleader confrontation powers activate!

Flashback! Stefan is dressed all funny, and the cars have been replaced by these odd, horse-drawn things. We’re back in the 1800’s! Also: Katherine!

Stefan Salvatore: makes doe eyes.

Flash forward!: We’re back in the Aught Nines!

Elena Gilbert: So, Stefan, anything you want to tell me about? Like, how did you do on the chemistry test, how’s football going, oh, and are you a freaking vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: Everything you know, and every belief you have, is about to change. Are you ready or that?

Thomas: thinks that’s one of the coolest premises for a story, ever. Vampires or no.

Stefan Salvatore: So, yeah, vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Okay then. Well, time to be going! runs away

Stefan Salvatore: does that horror movie thing where the Survivor Girl is running away, but suddenly the Monster is Right There OMG! This is guaranteed to sooth Elena’s nerves.

Stefan Salvatore: suddenly appears in Elena’s bedroom. He’s apparently taken a couple of correspondence courses from the Edward Cullen School of Creepy Courtship.

Damon Salvatore: finishes draining one of the Generic Stoners from last episode, and drops the body on the ground. Then into the fire. There are plenty of other bodies scattered around, too. Damon was hungry.

Damon Salvatore: (on one of Generic Stoner’s cell phones) So, Stefan, about that ring you stole…

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I gave it to “Uncle” Zach to hide. Too bad you killed him.

Damon Salvatore: Give me my ring or I eat Elena.

Stefan Salvatore: I kill you!

Damon Salvatore: I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Then how will you get your ring back?

Damon Salvatore: …Dick.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’ve asked you to this sunny, public place so you can explain yourself. And also, not eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, So, vampire. I can eat food, religious artifacts are nothing but decorations, I have a reflections (see: my awesome hair), I have this sweet ring that keeps me from combusting in the sun, and I eat bunny rabbits to stay alive. Damon eats teenagers, which is why he’s stronger than me.

Damon Salvatore: Ooookay then.

Sheriff Forbes and Logan Fell: examine the bodies Damon “hid” by burning slightly. At covering his tracks, an expert he is not.

Damon Salvatore: Man, being stuck inside all day sucks, and the chick I ate last night isn’t talking due to the loss of blood. Maybe if I heal her with my vampire blood, she can run out and rent a movie or something.

Elena Gilbert: So, here we are, in the middle of nowhere. Please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Relax, I just want to show you my old home.

Elena Gilbert: But, there are just ruins. How old are you?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been seventeen…

Thomas: If you say “for a while,” we are officially done.

Stefan Salvatore: …Since1864.

Thomas: …I’ll let that pass.

Flashback! Damon’s wearing a derby, and the pre-vampire brothers are playing Rugby. Katherine asks to join in. She steals their ball, and goes running off.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, she totally wants you to chase her! What’s your problem? Don’t you like girls?

Stefan Salvatore: What? Of course I do! He meant nothing! We were just wrestling!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Vicki Donovan: You know what? I’ve decided that it’s totally cool the way you killed all my friends, and almost killed me. Also, your blood it sweet. Gimme gimme?

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: So, long story short, Kat did me, then my brother, then she turned out to be a vampire. Then she mind whammied me. Shenanigans ensued, and here we are.

Elena Gilbert: …Please don’t eat me.

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Uses the stolen Gilbert watch, and a handful of other trinkets, to assemble… something. My money’s on “Vampire Seeking Compass.”

Damon Salvatore and Vicki Donovan: Have a dance party, and trash the boarding house. Also, they take a moment out to indulge in some product placement, but since it’s an iMac, I’ll let it slide.

Vicki Donovan: tells Damon about her messed up family.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, that’s… pathetic. You know what could help that? Death. snaps her freaking neck!

Thomas: Okay, that, I did not see coming.

Vicki Donovan: Ow, why does my neck hurt?

Damon Salvatore: I gave you my blood, then I killed you, now you need to eat someone, and you can be a vampire like me. Yay! Hey, you know who would be a good meal? Elena’s brother. Tell everyone I said “hi!”

Vicki Donovan: Is freaking out, and about to eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Take her up to bed. She’s going to be fine. You know, except for the part where she’s dead.

Logan Fell: Wanders through the dark woods and the Menacing fog of Menace with his Vampire Seeking Compass.

Thomas: totally called that one.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, can I come in? Wait, of course I can, you already invited me. Wow you’re scared, guess Stefan finally fessed up. Speaking of, where is that little ring stealing douche?

Elena Gilbert: Out looking for the girl you sort of killed.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t judge.

Vicki Donovan: Boo hoo, I’m dying. Or about to become immortal. I’m not clear on that yet.

Stefan Salvatore: Here, let me take you home.

Logan Fell: shoots Stefan with his wooden bullets, and goes to stake him.

Vicki Donovan: No!

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Sheriff Forbes: Huh. Maybe splitting up wasn’t such a hot idea, after all.

Elena Gilbert: So, this whole vampire thing is hot and all, and almost getting eaten by your brother is fun, but I think we should see other people.

Stefan Salvatore: sadface

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: sadface

Photographer: Okay, let’s just get a few more promo shots. Hey, let’s go up the that bridge right there. And, um… why don’t you hang one of the girls over the edge, like you’re going to throw her off. What? No, no one’s going to freak out. What’s the worst that could happen?

Damon Salvatore: Owwwwww my head! Dude, what did you put in my drink?

Stefan Salvatore: Anti-vampire ruffies. Blah blah blah, you’re evil, I’m going to leave you here in the basement until you’re too weak to kick my ass, then I’m going to burry you in the family crypt for fifty years, to teach you a lesson.

Thomas: Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to be a bundle of sunshine when that’s done with.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, you are such a dick.

Elena Gilbert: is too emo to write emo in her diary.

Vicki Donovan: is brushing her teeth in the Gilbert’s bathroom.

Vicki Donovan: Sorry, I’m just cleaning up after sullying your stoner brother. I’ll be out of you way in a sec!

Aunt Jenna: looks hot with her new hair.

Aunt Jenna: So, has Stefan called yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, and I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose life stops because of some guy.

Bella Swan: Did someone call my name?

Caroline Forbes: Damon bit me and my head’s all fuzzy. I’m sad.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m psychic! And I can start fires with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I was busying burying my brother alive.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: Hey Damon, I just came to chat (about the fact that your brother used the vampire ruffies I’ve been growing for the last sixteen years to poison you, and then locked you in my basement).

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: is an idiot.

Damon Salvatore: throat grab!

Stefan Salvatore: idiot uncle saving vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, Stefan is an hour late for his little “I’m going to tell you everything” meet up.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I’m late! I got… held up. Doing… stuff.

Elena Gilbert: Like?

Stefan Salvatore: I can’t tell you.

Elena Gilbert: You have all these creepy secrets! How do I know you aren’t a serial killer or something?

Thomas: This girl is way too intelligent to be in a vampire story.

Creepy Exposition Guy: My God, you haven’t aged a day. (By the way, I’m implying that he’s really old. Like, at least thirty.)

Stefan Salvatore: Soooo, let’s go home now.

Sheriff Forbes: So, how goes the whole “seducing Aunt Jenna so you can steal the magic pocket watch from the Littlest Stoner” plan?

Aunt Jenna: Hey, Logan!

Logan Fell: Funny you should ask…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention I cook?

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish…

Stefan Salvatore: I’m just trying to get into your pants, honestly.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Kidding! I’m still gay. And a chef. Anyway, vampire exposition powers activate!

Vicki Donovan: Look, I scored some of your sister’s old pain meds!

Jeremy Gilbert: Babe, I feel like we’re always getting high.

Vicki Donovan: Um, hello, do you think I hang out with you because of your dashing good looks and charm? Now shut up and make little stoner babies with me.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no, I cut myself with this giant knife, whilst cooking with my vampire boyfriend! Whoever could have foreseen!

Bonnie Bennet: Me, I’m psychic!

Thomas: Shut up. You aren’t even in this scene.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! Again!

Damon Salvatore: Caroline…</mind-powers>

Caroline Forbes: I can’t hear you la la la la la

The Bikini Car Wash: happens.

Matt Donovan: is totally human, and significantly paler than the vampire Stefan.

Bonnie Bennet: can make water explode, or something.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, that ring that makes you not blow up in the sun is getting all soapy! You should totally take it off right now.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, pass, thanks.

Creepy Exposition Guy: So, I just dropped by to check out all the high school girls in their bikinis, and to mention that I stayed at the Salvatore boarding house forty years ago, and met Stefan. Also, his uncle was eaten by a cougar or something (vampire).

Elena Gilbert: Ooooookay then.

Caroline Forbes: zombie-walks to the Salvatore boarding house, and is about to set Damon free.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: vampire captive keeping human powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Nice try!

Damon Salvatore: snaps “Uncle” Zach’s neck

Caroline Forbes: hey it was nice to see you again time for me to be going you can’t come out in the sun without your ring right bye bye!

Some Girl: I don’t like you and I’m in charge, so why don’t you dry off the parking lot?

Bonnie Bennet: I know, I’ll use my brain fire to dry it off! This can’t possibly go wrong! (it does)

Elena Gilbert: searches the TV station’s database for information on the Salvatore animal (vampire) attack.

Thomas: tries to resist the urge to punch the TV and shout “that’s not how computers work!”

The Town Stoners: cavort in the cemetery at night.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Thomas: Ah, there we go.

Stefan Salvatore: evil brother staking vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: So, you’re like a vampire, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Darn it! Stake blocked!

So for some reason, IMDB told me that Ditzy Blonde Blood Donor Girl is named Caroline Truitt; turns out, it’s really Caroline Forbes. Corrected from here on out.

The Cute Young Couple: is missing once again, leaving me to believe that Damon ate all of the coupled attractive people within twenty square miles.

Thomas: admires his dedication and thoroughness.

Elena Gilbert: wakes up after being watched creepily by Damon. She senses a dark, looming presence, and like any other intelligent person, goes wandering through the dark to scratch its chin. She finds the television on, showing a breaking news bulletin of: her own murder.

Damon Salvatore: Ignore the fact that the “breaking news bulletin” was shot during the day, while it’s clearly nighttime. I am, to your utter astonishment, a vampire, and you are, to my utter delight, dinner. fangs!

Elena Gilbert: dies.

Thomas: Well, that sure was a short-lived series. I wonder what’s on-

Stefan Salvatore: wakes up from his nightmare.

Thomas: Oh.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, good dream? Man screwing with your mind is fun.

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a douche. stab!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! counter stab!

Thomas: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Stefan Salvatore: I must fight this monster. But how do I fight a monster without becoming one myself?

Friedrich Nietzsche: Dude, excellent question.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, babe?

Elena Gilbert: Less talk more make out.

Stefan Salvatore: Ow, stop twisting my arm! smooch

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: are really not at all shy about doing who-knows-what in Elena’s bedroom, even when the rest of the family is downstairs eating breakfast.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! hides

Elena Gilbert: pout

Thomas: Side note: I’ve seen these two make out twice now, and both times I sat there thinking to myself “they both move like they’ve had a bit of juijuitsu training.” I realize that I have a problem.

Elena Gilbert: Hey wanna go to the Founder’s Dance with me I know its cheesy but it meant a lot to my dead parents and I think you’d be hot in a suite.

Stefan Salvatore: I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Elena Gilbert.

Thomas: See, that’s how you do “wow, he’s so suavely old-fashioned, you know, because he’s a centuries old vampire.” Not “I know lots of random dates, wanna sleep with me?” Attention Writers: DO THIS MORE.

Caroline Forbes: I can’t be seen in public with you, so you can’t come to the Founder’s Dance with me. Sorry, babe.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: You should totally come to the Founder’s Dance with me!

Tens of Men Around the Nation: That would make dating so much easier.

Damon Salvatore: So what’s so special about this Bella girl, anyway?

Thomas: OMG HE’S READING TWILIGHT OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

Caroline Forbes: Are you going to kill me?

Damon Salvatore: Yep! But not just yet.

Thomas: Holy crap, he just out-creepered Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen: Damn.

Thomas: OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS TALKING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: has an anti-vampire pot farm in his cellar. This will be an important plot point later.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, want some bourbon?

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Sure!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you tried the old “give the vampire a glass of bourbon spiked with anti-vampire pot” trick! But I’m not some dumb college girl you can roofie, oh no!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: So you’re the mysterious loner and I think that’s hot, but I also think that since we’ve been dating like three whole days it’s time for us to move on the the next level, and no I’m not asking you to sleep with me because I know you’re gay (probably for your brother, which, ew), but I just want you to open up and tell me something about yourself! pout

Stefan Salvatore: Can’t you see? Damon is trying to drive us apart!

Elena Gilbert: Well it’s working! pout, dramatic exit

Thomas: Dude, you should totally do that “look into my eyes” thing. It would be so much easier.

Aunt Jenna: put some wave into her hair and actually looks like an adult.

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: So, we cool?

Aunt Jenna: How are you going to make up for cheating on me?

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: Want to go get some cheese fries?

Thomas: Dead God, have any of the writers for this show actually been in a relationship? “Sorry I banged the secretary, here’s some snack food.” WTF?

Elena Gilbert: So, are all these bruises and bite marks from your creepy stalker boyfriend?

Caroline Forbes: What no he doesn’t beat me he only does it because he loves me I just make him really mad sometimes and well he says I taste really good and he looks at me with those sad eyes and then I’m just like “oh okay one more time but try not to nick an artery that took forever to clean up” and it hurts but in a good way you know (and I think he sparkles but he’s just too shy to show me).

Elena Gilbert: Okay, as long as you’re cool.

Vicki Donovan: So, Thomas didn’t bother telling anyone about this because he thinks this plot line is really boring, but I went to the Founder’s Dance with Tyler Lockwood, and he was, once again, an enormous jerk, and I realized that even though he’s rich and handsome, and even though you’re poor and a stoner, you really love me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wow you’re hot.

Vicki Donovan: drops her dress.

Thomas: Aw, awkward stoner sex. I bet they have little stoner babies.

Caroline Forbes: I didn’t mean to tell her that you eat me, it just sort of slipped out.

Damon Salvatore: It’s okay, I forgive you. Except… fangs!

Damon Salvatore: gag, puke

Stefan Salvatore: Ah ha! I knew I couldn’t spike your drink, so I spiked your girlfriend instead! Man I’m awesome! self high five

The Sheriff, The Mayor, The Mayor’s Wife, and The Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: blah blah blah, we’re vampire hunters, which makes us, ironically, the good guys and the bad guys for this season. Dun Dun Dun!

Producer: Okay, Elena…

Nina Dobrev: Um, my real name’s Nina…

Producer: That’s great, sweetheart. So, Elena, why don’t you just kind of lay back, and try to look sexy, and… um, slightly stoned. That’s great, that’s great. Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: Paul…

Producer: Whatever, why don’t you kind of hover over her, like you’re going to kiss her, but don’t actually kiss her, we want to leave them wanting more. Perfect. All right, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: …

Producer: Wow, that one’s smart enough not to talk back, cool. So, Evil Vampire, why don’t you kind of press your lips against her throat, yeah, like you’re going to bite her, except… why don’t you… um, why don’t you lick her throat, instead.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, what?

Nina Dobrev: Wait, what?

Producer: Yeah, go ahead, just run your tongue over her adam’s apple. No, it isn’t creepy. All the kids are doing it. Trust me. There you go. Perfect. Man this job rocks.

Cute Young Couple: takes a break from being murdered this week. Instead, we open on:

Caroline Truitt: laying in a pool of her own blood, with two fang marks on her neck.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, babe.

Caroline Truitt: oh God vampire help sweet mother of mercy lamp smash

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then. Hey, did you change your clothes last night?

Caroline Truitt: Yes…

Damon Salvatore: So you put on a comfortable nightie, but you didn’t bother washing the blood off yourself, or, you know, going to the hospital?

Caroline Truitt: Being dead is one thing, Damon. Being unfashionable is something else entirely.

Damon Salvatore: Why do I always bite the dumb ones?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m not saying “don’t date the guy,” I’m just saying… well, okay, I’m saying “don’t date the guy.”

Elena Gilbert: But you were just telling me to jump his bones! Why the sudden change of heart?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I had a psychic vision that he was a mass murdering monster come to sow death and pain in our idyllic little town.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then…

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, watch me embarrass New Boy by throwing this football at him!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampire football catching powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I’ve never seen someone catch a football before! Will you sire my offspring?

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, no siring just yet. How about dinner? I can cook you some totally bloodless human food!

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: And you can hang out with my best friend who thinks your a demon!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Elena Gilbert: Great! See you at nine!

Annoying History Teacher: Gah, you are all so stupid! How can you not even know the date on which the Civil Rights Act freed the Madagascar Slaves from their Moorish Oppressors? Why am I cursed to suffer your unfailing ignorance?

Stefan Salvatore: It was in 1873. And you’re a douche.

Annoying History Teacher and Stefan Salvatore: engage in a stirring battle of wits, where Annoying History Teacher names a random historical event, and Stefan Salvatore recites the year in which it occurred. The history class is applauding at the end of this. Because if High School taught me anything, it’s that teenagers love it when a brainy kid shows off in class.

Thomas: is not bitter.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, why are you staring longingly at the football team?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m not gay!

Elena Gilbert: I… just thought you missed playing. You know, football.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, right. Yes. Totally that. Totally want to play. Football. With the men. The young… rugged…

Elena Gilbert: Erm…

Damon Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so evil.

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so emo.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: You guy should totally kiss right now.

Bonnie Bennet: I keep seeing the numbers 8, 14, and 22. This is going to be an important plot point later on, so remember that. Also, I psychically know where you keep the silverware.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, you should have seen it! Taylor threw a ball at Stefan today, and Stefan totally caught it!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s… so special. Hey, my grandmother was a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, that’s so cool. The Salem Witches were heroic examples of individualism, and non-conformity.

Thomas: swears that that’s an exact quote. Seriously. And they bought it.

Damon Salvatore and Caroline Truitt: Surprise! We’re crashing!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t invite him in!

Elena Gilbert: Come on in!

Damon Salvatore: Score!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Truitt: Hey, let’s talk about Elena’s dead parents, and how she’s such a drag now!

Damon Salvatore: No, let’s talk about Stefan’s dead girlfriend, and how he’s such a drag now!

Stefan Salvatore: face. palm.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Are about to Get It On, when suddenly, Stefan turns into Damon! And Elena wakes up gasping! It was all a dream! A hot, steamy dream! Oh no, is she going to be torn between two loves? (Hint: yes.)

Elena Gilbert: So, I quit cheer-leading. I’m a quitter.

Stefan Salvatore: No, you suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person any more. But you should be looking ahead.

Thomas: That was supposed to cheer her up? God, now I’m depressed.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, would you wear this vampire-blocking magic talisman?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no one’s ever given me a vampire-blocking magic talisman before! swoon

Tyler Lockwood: I kill you!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Heroic vampire fight stopping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, my druggie brother cut your hand with his broken bottle of booze!

Stefan Salvatore: No he didn’t I’m totally fine no magic vampire healing powers here look right as rain and hey the game’s starting time to go see you after bye bye.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Slaaaaaaap across your faaaaaaaaaace.</buffy>

Damon Salvatore: Well then.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s good in you, I can sense it!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great, Luke Skywalker. By the way: fang!

Annoying History Teacher: gets eaten

Thomas: …Is he… dead?

Some Kid: Oh God, he’s dead!

Thomas: …God bless America… land that I love… single tear

Bonnie Bennet: Look, those numbers I said I saw! I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: One, shut up, I’m busy celebrating the death of Annoying History Teacher. Two, wouldn’t it have been way more useful if you’d have actually foreseen his death, instead of a licensee plate and a sign on a door?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: Hey, Damon, are you still hungry?

Elena Gilbert: sleeps comfortably in her bed.

Damon Salvatore: keeps creepy watch over her, occasionally stroking her hair.

Edward Cullen: I did that first.

Thomas: Woah, it’ cool, I’ve got this.

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Cute Young Couple: Set up a tent in the Creepy Forrest of Cute Young Death, surrounded by the Menacing Fog of Menace.

Thomas: Do I really have to tell you how this turns out? No. Good.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Write emo in their diaries, with a hint of “my life now has meaning, because an attractive member of the opposite sex has acknowledged my existance.”

Aunt Jenna: Do I look adult? And suitably parental?

Thomas: No, you still look twelve.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Tyler Lockwood: Macks on some random hotties, despite the fact that his girlfriend was eaten by a vampire less then twenty-four hours ago.

Jeremy Gilbert: Chivalrous rage!

Annoying History Teacher: Hey there, thanks for coming in. Just wanted to let you know that you’re totally unqualified to be raising a couple of kids.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Annoying History Teacher: You know, because you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty! And I did the sexy librarian thing with my hair!

Thomas: If this guy doesn’t get eaten, I will walk to Hollywood and kill him myself.

Vicki Donovan: I was attacked by a vampire!

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: I mean, a puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Close enough.

Caroline Truitt: So, have you sexed him yet?

Elena Gilbert: Caroline Truitt, shame on yourself! We are totally going to drag that plot line out for the rest of the season!

Aunt Jenna: Drugs are bad, m’kay? ‘Cause they make you fat.

Damon Salvatore: So, has Stefan told you about the girl he’s been pining over for the last hundred years, who happens to look exactly like you?

Elena Gilbert: Not so much, no.

Damon Salvatore: Oh. Oops.

Stefan Salvatore: broods

Damon Salvatore: flirts

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Vicki Donovan: Do I know you?

Damon Salvatore: Surprise, still a vampire!

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A vampire!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Are we going to do this all night?

Aunt Jenna: I suck as a parent!

Thomas: Well, yeah, you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Elena Gilbert: Talks emo to Stefan.

Stefan Salvatore: Talks emo to Elena.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Share their first emo kiss.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Damon Salvatore: So, you know that whole sex-is-a-metaphor-for-death thing we vampires have going on?

Caroline Truitt: Yeah?

Damon Salvatore: fang!

Furthering fears that I one: have no taste and two: am going to hell, I’ve decided to do a recap of The Vampire Diaries, the latest utterly trashy cash-in on the emo teen vampire phenomenon. I’ll probably do a recap for each episode, unless I decide that the show’s too boring to bother. And so, without further ado, and less than a week late:

G.I. Joe: is a real American Hero… er, make that, a real multi-national task force, duly chartered by NATO, and comprised of volunteer representatives from twenty member nations, which would never dream of acting unilaterally or preemptively, and is careful to respect the sovereignty of all nations, states, and kingdoms. Also, they’re headquartered in Egypt, which means they’re probably secret Muslims.

That: really doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Duke: used to have a thing with the Baroness.

The Baroness: is now an international terrorist.

That: is awkward.

Snake Eyes: brought a sword to a gun fight. And he will kill you dead with it.

Scarlet: it a two-timing strumpet.

Snake Eyes: is gonna have to cap a Wayans brother.

Storm Shadow: will be releasing a line of Casual Ninja Wear. Look for it this fall, at Abercrombie and Fitch!

Snake Eyes: is wearing plastic muscles, and has a mouth carved into his mask. Why the hell does Snake Eyes have a mouth on his mask?

France: apparently did not join G.I. Joe.

The Eiffel Tower: falls down and goes boom.

General Hawk: wonders if France has learned its lesson.

The Plot: is convoluted, but also just a way to string together the action scenes.

The Action Scenes: are actually fairly decent.

Snake Eyes v. Storm Shadow: was better the first time, when it was called Darth Maul v. Qui-Gon Jinn.

Destro: finally gets his metal face.

Cobra Commander: was actually in the movie the whole time?

Various and Sundry Things: blow up.

The Day: is saved.

Knowing: is half the battle.

Cybernetic suits, ninja skills, force guns, nanobots, high-tech vehicles, and 3D Holographic Telepresence systems: are the other half.

Since my sense of humor can be a little hard to understand, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is terrible. It is seriously the worst movie that I have seen this year. It isn’t even enjoyable in a “so bad it’s good” way; it just sucks. Do not go to see this movie. Do not let your friends see this movie. Frankly, I’m thinking about picketing outside the theater, hoping to save one or two souls the torment of sitting through this thing. I might buy tickets to other movies and pass them out, just to keep this waste of celluloid from being seen.

I want to punch Rob Zombie in the face with a meat cleaver, and then share similar feelings with all of the people who helped him unleash this disaster on the unsuspecting public. Fortunately, according to the logic of this movie, the only thing I have to do is start wandering aimlessly through a field somewhere, and my rage will draw me inexorably toward my victim. Or some crap. I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a recap of the stuff that I managed to stay awake for:

Rob Zombie: Let’s see… I need a symbol to represent the raw, animalistic power of Michael Myers’ rage. Something powerful, primal, and frightening. Something that will resonate with the audience, something that will compliment the character’s iconic status. I know! A white horse! OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: Wait, what? The symbol of Michael Myers’ demonic bloodlust, the visual representation of his furious, uncontrollable rage, is a freaking pony? And did you just make a ghost sound?

Rob Zombie: Yes, and yes. But wait! Look, the horse is totally legit! It says so right here, in this book I found in the “Piss off your parents by pretending your a pagan” section of the bookstore! Heck, I’ll even insert a screen full of text, so people know that a prancing white pony is scary!

Screen Full Of Text: The prancing white pony is scary and meaningful and totally not ridiculous. -Some Book Rob Zombie May Have Made Up