The Book of Eli

Spoilers abound, be ye wary

The War: tears a hole in the sky.

Society: doesn’t deal with this so well.

Denzel Washington: dresses in a camo NBC suit, uses a human corpse as bait, snipes a cat with a longbow, steals the boots of a(nother) corpse, feeds a rat, does his devotionals, and rocks out to his iPod. As holy men are wont to do.

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Help me, oh help me, my shopping cart hath lost its wheel!

Denzel Washington: sniff, sniff Is that a roving band of thugs I smell?

Roving Band of Thugs: Uh, no?

Denzel Washington: steps into the shadows. Come get some.

God: Psst, Denzel… Thrust, dodge, swipe, parry, duck, slice, cut!

The Battle: is fought in silhouette.

Roving Band of Thugs: die.

Thomas: That. Was. Awesome.

King Thug of Gangster Mountain: You cut off my hand. sadface

Denzel Washington: prays for him, stabs him in the gut. As holy men are wont to do.

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Um, want so company?

Denzel Washington: I’m thinking no.

Denzel Washington: Fix my iPod?

The Mechanic: It’ll cost.

Denzel Washington: Handi-Wipes from KFC?

The Mechanic: Sold.

Post Apocalyptic Bartender: What’ll it be?

Denzel Washington: Water. Straight up.

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang Leader Guy: Blah blah, lame excuse to start a fight.

Denzel Washington: curbstomp!

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: We are not fans of this development.

Denzel Washington: Feel free to register your complaints with my machete.

God: Psst, Denzel… Duck, slice, stab, block, skewer, hack, parry, slash, thrust, axe murder!

The Girl Sitting Next to Me: Wait, where did he get an axe?

Thomas: Just roll with it.

The Girl Sitting Next to Me: O….kay?

Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: dies.

Commissioner Gordon: Bring him to me.

Denzel Washington: What’s up?

Commissioner Gordon: So, murder is my business, and business if good. Want a job?

Denzel Washington: No thanks. Peace out!

Commissioner Gordon: Well then. You leave me no choice but to make you an offer… you cannot refuse.

Lumbering Bald Thug: You gonna hurt him, boss?

Commissioner Gordon: What? No. No, I’m going to offer him food, water, and that chick from That Seventies Show.

Lumbering Bald Thug: Ooh, diabolical.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Hey, I brought you food and water. And me.

Denzel Washington: Thanks, but I’ve already got food and water.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Okay, look, the food and water was a ruse. I’m here to wink wink and nudge nudge.

God: NO.

Denzel Washington: sadface

That Chick from That Seventies Show: tummy rumble. So, about that food?

Denzel Washington: Sure, plenty to share, but we have to say grace first. “Dear Lord, thank you for making this crapsack world a little less crapsack, what with the canteen of clean water, this Twinkie which we are about to enjoy, and the company of hot chick from That Seventies Show that you won’t let me touch. Amen.”

That Chick from That Seventies Show: 0_o

Post Apocalyptic Blind Mother: Hey honey, breakfast?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Sure, but we have to say grace first.

Commissioner Gordon: Denzel Washington taught you to say grace? Did he, perhaps, have a… book?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: I, um, er…

Commissioner Gordon: hair grab!

Post Apocalyptic Blind Mother: Ow ow ow ow ow!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Yes he had a book yes it had a thingy on the cover like this! makes a cross with her fingers

Commissioner Gordon: Excellent </mr-burns>

Commissioner Gordon: So, I’ve decided that it would be much easier to control the hapless masses if I had a book that tells people that God is on my side and they have to do everything I say. Gimme.

God: Why do people keep doing that? facepalm

The Catholic Church: Hey, that was our idea first!

Denzel Washington: Screw this. Peace out, yo.

Commissioner Gordon: Huh. So, kill him.

God: Psst, Denzel… Snipe snipe snipe, dodge, snipe snipe, duck, snipe snipe snipe!

Commissioner Gordon: That, I did not see coming.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Hey, can I come with?

Denzel Washington: No.

Another Post Apocalyptic Rape Gang: You can come with us!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Help help help!

God: Psst, Denzel… Wait for it… wait for it… Arrow to the groin! Arrow to the throat!

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Thank you thank you thank you!

Denzel Washington: Whatever.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Can you teach me to read?

Denzel Washington: No.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Can I see that book everybody’s killing each other for?

Denzel Washington: chambers a round in his shotgun. NO.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Woah. Tell me a story?

Denzel Washington: Sure. Once upon a time the world wasn’t a crapsack. People had too much to eat, and bathed regularly. Then we went to war, and, well, look around. People blamed religion, and started burning Bibles. God spoke to me, and led me to the last copy on earth. He told me to take it out West, where it would be loved and protected and never, ever used to gain political power over suffering, superstitious people. I’ve been walking for thirty years, and by the grace of God, I’ve murdered everyone that gets in my way.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Wow. Your stories suck.

Denzel Washington: …Shut up.

Cute Old Cannibal Couple: Hi there! Hungry?

Denzel Washington: Um, no.

Commissioner Gordon’s Road Warriors: roll on in

Cute Old Cannibal Couple: has an arsenal that would make an NRA member blush.

Commissioner Gordon’s Road Warriors: has an arsenal that would make a small nation’s military blush.

Cute Cannibal Couple: dies

Commissioner Gordon: So, gimme the book, or you die.

Denzel Washington: stoic face

Commissioner Gordon: So, gimme the book, or that chick from That Seventies Show dies.

Denzel Washington: sadface

Commissioner Gordon: shoots Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington: really. sad. face.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Nooooo! </vader>

God: Wait, did I miss something? I was helping some woman in Winnipeg find her keys. What’s… going… Oh, crap.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: murders her captives in convincingly brutal fashion.

The Torch: is making a “pass me! pass me!” style motion.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: steals a car, finds Denzel Washington wandering in a vaguely-Westward direction. Need a lift?

Denzel Washington: Wow, this is way easier than walking cross-country.

Denzel Washington: sniff, sniff Hey, do you smell that? It smells like victory. Hey, Alcatraz Press! I’ve got a Bible for you to publish!

Commissioner Gordon: Finally, the book is mine! And with it, I shall… wait, it’s in braille? Nooooo! </vader>

Denzel Washington: Oh, did I forget to mention that I’m blind? Yeah, totally blind. Can’t see a thing.

Thomas: Wait, what?

Denzel Washington: Also, by “I’ve got a Bible,” I of course mean “I’ve read it so often that I have it memorized, from cover to cover.” Yes, even the begats.

Thomas: Woah there, don’t change the subject. You’ve been walking across the country, fighting gangs of mutant rape thieves and sniping people from like a hundred yards away, and now you’re blind?

Denzel Washington: Yep, blind as a bat. So…

Thomas: No, wait, you mean I’m supposed to believe that you, the guy who can shoot a bird out of the air, out snipe a rifleman with a pistol, and walk across an entire continent without tripping once, is blind?

Denzel Washington: Anyway, I obviously can’t write out the Bible by myself, since I’m totally and not at all arbitrarily blind. Anybody got a pen?

Donald Sutherland: Boy, do I!

Denzel Washington: deep breath. “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth…”

Donald Sutherland: scribble scribble scribble

A Presumably Very Long Period of Time: passes

Thousands and Thousands of Trees: die

Denzel Washington: “…The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” dies

That Chick from That Seventies Show: mourns

The New King James Version: is published.

Donald Sutherland: So, you’re totally welcome to stay here with us, where we have clean water, abundant food, and a significant lack of rape gangs.

That Chick from That Seventies Show: No, my destiny is clear. I must dress up like Denzel Washington, take up his machete, plug in his iPod, and walk into the post apocalyptic wilderness.

Thomas: Wait, why? Did you have a vision from God? Are you supposed to spread his word, or free the slaves, or something?

That Chick from That Seventies Show: Well, no, I… er… I… look, it’s cute when I pretend to be all tough, and I look hot in olive green capris, okay?

Thomas: No, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t let me stop you.

In Summary: in The Book of Denzel Washington, an occasionally interventionist God gives a blind preacher with a photographic (tactile) memory Daredevil’s superpowers in order to protect a book that was almost lost in the nuclear war that God couldn’t be bothered to avert, the end.