District 9

District 9: 30 Second Review

Here there be spoilers, tread ye carefully.

D9: is shot in a pseudo-documentary style.

The Blaire Witch Project: We did that first.

The Alien Race: is advanced enough to master interstellar travel, but not advanced enough to make sure the tank was full before they left.

The Alien Race: Hey, Johannesburg. We’re out of gas, mind if we crash here?

Johannesburg: DO NOT WANT.

The Alien Race: sadface.

Ration Unity: Can be achieved by finding a different minority to persecute.

The Nations of the World: We’ve decided to turn over management of the Alien Race to a faceless, multinational arms manufacturer with its own private army, a shady CEO, and no accountability. We foresee no problems with this.

Multinational Arms Co: To the slums with you!

The Alien Race: sadface.

The Nations of the World: whistle innocently.

Sweater Vest Guy: Hi camera! I’m so excited that my father in law, the shady CEO of Multinational Arms Co, has decided to promote me!

Shady CEO: So… turns out the alien slums aren’t… slummy enough, and we have to tell one million super strong, lightning quick, dirt stupid, and highly aggressive Aliens that they need to leave there homes within twenty-four hours, and go to a different slum, in the more… slumtastic… region of Johannesburg. We foresee no problems with this, but, well, we’re looking for a scapegoat, just in case.

Sweater Vest Guy: Why is everyone looking at me?

The Alien Race: Comes in all three primary colors: Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow.

Thomas: Shout out to my graphics designer friends!

Private Army Guy: Knock, knock!

Alien Who’s there?

Private Army Guy: shoots the Alien in the face.

The Alien Race: sadface.

The Alien Race: Wait, aren’t we vastly superior in both technology and physiology?

The Alien Race: Oh, right. Liver kick!

The Readers: Liver kick?

Thomas: That’s when an Alien kicks you in the stomach, and his foot comes out through your liver.

The Readers: Right then, carry on.

Sweater Vest Guy: Hey, look at this odd Alien artifact thingy. I bet if I just twist it around like…

Alien Artifact Thingy: facespray!

Sweater Vest Guy: Gack!

Sweater Vest Guy: spews a bunch of black fluid from his orifices, and starts loosing his fingernails and his teeth.

Army Guy: Would you like to go to the hospital?

Sweater Vest Guy: Nah, I’m good. Vomits profusely, blacks out.

Some Doctor: Well, let me just remove these bandages, and OH GOD YOUR HAND HAS TURNED INTO AN ALIEN CLAW TENTACLE THING.

Sweater Vest Guy: sadface.

Shady CEO: Hmm, should I help out my son-in-law, or take advantage of his condition to unlock the secrets of this unimaginably valuable Alien technology.

Cash Register ca-ching!

Sweater Vest Guy: sadderface.

Sweater Vest Guy: uses his enhanced strength and claws to escape from the super-secret underground laboratory of genetic research and evil.

Wolverine: I did that first.

Sweater Vest Guy: cuts off some fingers.

Thomas: I did that first.

Alien Commander Guy: The black fluid that is slowly turning you into one of us is also the fuel for our ship. If you help me get that canister back, I can fly back home, oh, and take you to the medical machines that will make you human again.

Sweater Vest Guy: you can travel between stars with like 12 ounces of fuel?

Alien Commander Guy: we get really good gas mileage.

Little Alien Dude: cuteface

Sweater Vest Guy: Um, why is your kid looking at me like that?

Alien Commander Guy: he likes your appendage.

Sweater Vest Guy: DO NOT WANT.

Sweater Vest Guy and Alien Commander Guy: Steal some alien ray guns, blow up Multinational Arms Co.’s headquarters, fight their way through a group of highly trained mercenaries, and retrieve the interstellar jet fuel canister.

Sweater Vest Guy: Hey, you know what would be a good idea? Cracking the only guy that can possibly cure me over the head with this axe.

Sweater Vest Guy: starts up the spaceship

Evil Bald Soldier Guy: Hey, you know all of those missiles we have laying around? Let’s shoot all of them at that space ship.

The Space Ship: Does not handle that particularly well.

Little Alien Dude: activates an Alien Battle Suit.

Alien Battle Suit You are in direct violation of statute 127-URGONNADIE. Please drop your weapons and… aw, forget it. Giblet Gun!

ED 209: I did that first.

Sweater Vest Guy: has a change of heart, climbs in the battle suite, saves the Alien Commander Guy, and in general wreaks havoc all over District 9.

Some Soldier: Shoot the missile at the space ship!

Sweater Vest Guy in the Alien Battle Suit: catches the missile.

The Incredible Hulk (Eric Banna Version): I did that first.

Evil Bald Soldier Guy: I shoot you!

Some Random Aliens: We eat you!

Sweater Vest Guy: was last seen laying on the ground, bleeding profusely, after having been shot with like fourteen million rounds of ammunition, as well as four or five RPGs.

The Media: Whatever could have become of him?

Sweater Vest Wife: Sweater Vest Guy used to make me all of this cheesy little crafts.

A Tin Rose is bitter sweet.