The Fast and the Furious Six

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: Hi The Rock! You’ll never guess what happened!

The Rock: A team of international car thieves with military training stole the pieces of a weapon that would knock out all communications in America for twenty-four hours, leaving us precious little time to find and protect the last piece, necessitating an alliance with my old enemy Vin Diesel?

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: Um, yeah, actually.

The Rock: Awesome. Let me beat the shit out of this guy real quick, then we’ll go offer him a role in the next GI Joe flick.

Vin Diesel: Hey Brazillian Girl from Fast Five, you’re the love of my life!

The Rock: Hi Vin! I found a grainy photo of your ex girlfriend!

Vin Diesel: Later, bitch!

Tyrese Gibson: Hello ladies, welcome to my private jet! You are in for the experience of a lifetime! Morocco, Indonesia, New Zealand …

Vin Diesel (on the phone): Hey Ty! We’re gonna make another movie!

Tyrese Gibson: Later, bitches!

Some Guy: Man, having a bajillion dollars in the bank sure has changed you, Ludacris!

Ludacris: I don’t know what you’re talking about! Just because I have a different Porsche for every day of the week, a harem of sex slaves, and a team of small Iranian boys to wait on me hand and foot …

Vin Diesel: Her Ludacris!

Ludacris: Later, bitches!

Vin Diesel: But I haven’t even made an offer yet.

Ludacris: Yeah, the whole rap thing isn’t really paying the bills anymore.

Asian Guy: Oh attractive girl whose name no one remembers, I love you so much!

Hot Israeli Chick: Oh Asian guy from the worst movie of the franchise, I love you, too!

Asian Guy: We’re both gonna die, aren’t we?

Hot Israeli Chick: Yeah.

Vin Diesel: But at least you can have a confusing storyline on the way out!

Mia: Oh Paul, I am ever so happy that you invited me back for the sixth installment of this franchise! And that we had a baby, I guess.

Paul Walker: Oh Mia, I will never leave your side, nor will I allow my past to jeopardize our son’s future.

Vin Diesel: Hi Paul! Wanna go to London and take on a batshit crazy international weapons dealer with military training?

Paul Walker: Later, bitch!

The Rock: Okay team, we’re after a generic bad guy! But he drives cars and shit, so that’s right up your alley!

Vin Diesel: You drive a hard bargain, The Rock, but we’ll only help you under one condition!

Paul Walker: Front row tickets to Wrestlemania!

Vin Diesel: Um, no, full pardons for each and every one of us.

The Rock: Sorry, no can do.

Vin Diesel: Yes you can.

The Rock: Aw, shit, you got me. Pardons for everybody!

Ludacris: Hey guys, check out all the fancy equipment I brought!

Vin Diesel: Great job, Ludacris! How is that going to help us track down Generic Bad Guy?

Ludacris: It will literally play no fucking role in this movie whatsoever.

The Rock: Okay, I’ve tracked the Generic Bad Guy to his Generic Hideout, with no help from you whatsoever. Why did I let you star in this movie again?

Vin Diesel: You’re right! We better stage a ludicrous car chase!

Ludacris: Did somebody say my name?

Vin Diesel: No. Shut the fuck up and bring my car around.

The Rock: Oh no! Evil flippy cars!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Generic Bad Guy: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Generic Bad Guy: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Holy shit, that guy can drive!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: Hi Vin! I don’t remember you! Bang!

Paul Walker: Hey, you know what I’ve been thinking? Maybe the fact that your ex girlfriend 1. doesn’t remember you, 2. is an international terrorist, and 3. just tired to shoot you means you should go back to your unbelievably hot girlfriend on the private paradise island you bought with your bazillions of dollars.

Vin Diesel: Yeah, but if I did that, we wouldn’t have a movie, would we?

The Rock: This car has a sequential gear transmission putting out five hundred ponies through a boxer V8 twin cab with electromagnetic suspension and a NOS overflow through the intake!

Ludacris: You do not have a damn clue what a fucking word you just said means, do you?

The Rock: It means I can afford more steroids, mother fucker!

Snooty White Dude: Hello gentlemen of color! The kitchen entrance is just that way!

Ludacris: Oh, I do not go down for that racism shit! No sir! I’ll show him!

The Rock: This is gonna be awesome!

Ludacris: Sir! Please take several million of my dollars and allow me to purchase these vehicles!

The Rock: Or not.

Vin Diesel: Hi Generic Pawn Shop Proprietor! I would like you to look at this bullet I tore out of my own shoulder and tell me who purchased it!

Generic Pawn Shop Proprietor: Dude, you are fucking insane.

Vin Diesel: Smash smash smash smash smash smash smash!

Generic Pawn Shop Proprietor: Okay, it was a relatively attractive Mexican girl wearing a Vin Diesel Fan Club t-shirt and she left me a business card she lives at 123 Plot Point Boulevard please stop breaking my face!

Tyrese Gibson: Okay, I’m pretty sure that the evil super cars of doom were built in this shop right here!

Asian Guy: Let’s use our machismo to intimidate him into revealing his buyer!

Hot Israeli Chick: Or we could use our feminine wiles!

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: Or we could just beat the shit out of him!

Generic Bad Guy’s Generic Henchmen: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Vin Diesel’s Pit Crew: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

The Menacing Mechanic: Shit! I’m the only character in this scene without a name!

Hot Israeli Chick: But you can still help advance the plot! Tell us who the Generic Bad Guy works for!

The Menacing Mechanic: All right! He works for the Generic Drug Dealer from Four Horsemen of the Fastpocalypse!

Paul Walker: Shit, the Generic Bad Guy is working with/for the Generic Drug Lord I put in jail in a previous movie? Well there’s only one thing to do!

The Rock: Use my law enforcement contacts to have him interrogated, thus leading us to the bad guy and saving the world?

Paul Walker: No, you fool! I have to sneak into America, get myself arrested, get myself transfered to the Generic Drug Lord’s prison, get myself thrown into solitary confinement, then wait until his henchmen arrange for a one-on-on meeting, beat up his body guards, shiv him, and extract information so vague a fortune cookie would be embarrassed!

The Rock: Yeah, okay, go do that.

Paul Walker: Okay, I’m back from prison in the United States!

Vin Diesel: Yeah, Paul? Literally no one gives a shit.

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: I know you lost your memories, but you never lost your blah blah something about racing or something fuck I’m not paying attention.

Generic Bad Guy: Hi Vin! Watching you … talk to? Grunt at? Your ex has given me a keen insight into your personality! You’re a man who’s loyal to his family! And that makes you weak!

Vin Diesel: No, it makes me strong!

Generic Bad Guy: No, I mean, it’s an actual weakness. Like, I literally have a team of men going to kidnap your sister and nephew right now.

Vin Diesel: Ha! Nice bluff, Generic Bad Guy!

Generic Bad Guy: No, seriously. Call her.

Vin Diesel: Ha!

The Rock: Okay, using the powers of I Read the Script, I have tracked Generic Bad Guy to Spain, where he intends to steal the last component of the Generic Plot Device!

Vin Diesel: Okay, you better remove that critically important piece of technology from the unassailable military complex it calls home and take it on a long and winding tour through the countryside, in a blazingly obvious military caravan.

The Rock: I like the way you think, Vin!

Paul Walker: Wait a minute …

The Rock: Shit they found us fuck they’re shooting at us god damn it everything’s on fire why God why this was such a brilliant plan!

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: Hey The Rock? You know how we put that microchip that will fit inside a man’s pocket in the back of that semi-truck?

The Rock: Yeah?

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: And you know how we had all that extra room in there?

The Rock: Yeah?

The Rock’s New Chick Partner: And you remember how you thought it would be a good idea to leave a tank in there for the highly trained vehicular warfare experts to steal?

The Rock: Ye…wait a second.

Generic Bad Guy: Behold the terror as I drive this tank at a blistering thirty miles an hour! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Paul Walker: Hold on, let me kill this tank with a Ford Mustang real quick!

Generic Bad Guy: Not before I throw Vin Diesel’s ex girlfriend over this cliff!

Vin Diesel: Fuck you, physics! I can fly!

The Rock: Okay, good job, guys! Pardons all around!

Generic Bad Guy: Um, did you totally forget that I’m holding Paul Walker’s wife and child hostage in my gettaway military transport aircraft?

Vin Diesel: Wait, you were serious about that?

Generic Bad Guy: Muahaha!

The Rock: Shit! I Guess there’s only one thing to do!

NATO Commander Pantywaist: Kill him, hide the body, and stage a daring rescue operation?

Vin Diesel: Fuck no! Set him free, then realize we made a terrible mistake, then chase after him, then kill all of the extras, then kill the Hot Israeli Chick, then pretend like they’d actually kill me off, then leave our island paradies to live in the squalor of the LA Projects!

The Rock: Can we use professional wrestling moves to win the day?

Vin Diesel: Only if I can use my patented Flying Headbutt of Doom to beat the bad guys!

The Rock: Well Vin, you’ve certainly thought of everything!

Paul Walker: That’s why he’s the franchise lead!

The Rock: Burly man hug time!

Brazilian Girl: Hi Vin Diesel! Even though you promised me your undying love, I hold no ill will over the fact that you’re once again shacking up the Mexican chick who doesn’t remember you!

Vin Diesel’s Ex Girlfriend: I may as well be a zombie!

Vin Diesel: Wait wait wait, if you’re so over this hot piece of Italian stallion, who are you hooking up with?

The Rock: If ya smeeeeeeeeelelelelelelelela! What The Rock! Is cooking!

Asian Guy: Wow, I can’t believe I managed to make it through the whole movie alive!

Jason Statham: Hi Vin Diesel! Can I have a spot in your franchise please? I’ll make room in the cast!

Asian Guy: Fuck.

Jason Statham: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

The Plot: Thickens.