GI Joe - Rise of COBRA

G.I. Joe: is a real American Hero… er, make that, a real multi-national task force, duly chartered by NATO, and comprised of volunteer representatives from twenty member nations, which would never dream of acting unilaterally or preemptively, and is careful to respect the sovereignty of all nations, states, and kingdoms. Also, they’re headquartered in Egypt, which means they’re probably secret Muslims.

That: really doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Duke: used to have a thing with the Baroness.

The Baroness: is now an international terrorist.

That: is awkward.

Snake Eyes: brought a sword to a gun fight. And he will kill you dead with it.

Scarlet: it a two-timing strumpet.

Snake Eyes: is gonna have to cap a Wayans brother.

Storm Shadow: will be releasing a line of Casual Ninja Wear. Look for it this fall, at Abercrombie and Fitch!

Snake Eyes: is wearing plastic muscles, and has a mouth carved into his mask. Why the hell does Snake Eyes have a mouth on his mask?

France: apparently did not join G.I. Joe.

The Eiffel Tower: falls down and goes boom.

General Hawk: wonders if France has learned its lesson.

The Plot: is convoluted, but also just a way to string together the action scenes.

The Action Scenes: are actually fairly decent.

Snake Eyes v. Storm Shadow: was better the first time, when it was called Darth Maul v. Qui-Gon Jinn.

Destro: finally gets his metal face.

Cobra Commander: was actually in the movie the whole time?

Various and Sundry Things: blow up.

The Day: is saved.

Knowing: is half the battle.

Cybernetic suits, ninja skills, force guns, nanobots, high-tech vehicles, and 3D Holographic Telepresence systems: are the other half.