Halloween II

Since my sense of humor can be a little hard to understand, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is terrible. It is seriously the worst movie that I have seen this year. It isn’t even enjoyable in a “so bad it’s good” way; it just sucks. Do not go to see this movie. Do not let your friends see this movie. Frankly, I’m thinking about picketing outside the theater, hoping to save one or two souls the torment of sitting through this thing. I might buy tickets to other movies and pass them out, just to keep this waste of celluloid from being seen.

I want to punch Rob Zombie in the face with a meat cleaver, and then share similar feelings with all of the people who helped him unleash this disaster on the unsuspecting public. Fortunately, according to the logic of this movie, the only thing I have to do is start wandering aimlessly through a field somewhere, and my rage will draw me inexorably toward my victim. Or some crap. I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a recap of the stuff that I managed to stay awake for:

Rob Zombie: Let’s see… I need a symbol to represent the raw, animalistic power of Michael Myers’ rage. Something powerful, primal, and frightening. Something that will resonate with the audience, something that will compliment the character’s iconic status. I know! A white horse! OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: Wait, what? The symbol of Michael Myers’ demonic bloodlust, the visual representation of his furious, uncontrollable rage, is a freaking pony? And did you just make a ghost sound?

Rob Zombie: Yes, and yes. But wait! Look, the horse is totally legit! It says so right here, in this book I found in the “Piss off your parents by pretending your a pagan” section of the bookstore! Heck, I’ll even insert a screen full of text, so people know that a prancing white pony is scary!

Screen Full Of Text: The prancing white pony is scary and meaningful and totally not ridiculous. -Some Book Rob Zombie May Have Made Up

Thomas: Look, whatever. Get on with the killing. Just don’t keep showing the stupid thing every five minutes, and we’ll forget it happened, okay?

Prancing White Pony: Actually, I’m on screen more than anyone else in the movie.

Thomas: facepalm

Rob Zombie: Okay, what’s next? Let’s see… character development. I don’t want to be too predictable, so I think I’ll remove everything that was innocent, admirable, or even likable about Laurie Strode, and surround her with a bunch of equally annoying, forgettable characters.

Thomas: Good idea. The audience really doesn’t want anyone to root for, anyway.

Rob Zombie: I know, right? It’s all, nihilistic and stuff. I’m so deep!

Thomas: Yeah, you’re Friedrich freaking Nietzsche. Well, let’s check in on what everyone’s been doing since the last movie, when Laurie Strode shot Michael Myers point blank in the face with a handgun.

Dr. Loomis: had made a fortune selling a single book about a serial killer that offed, what, maybe ten people? The DC Sniper was more prolific that Michael Myers, and people didn’t even remember him until I just mentioned him. But whatever, Loomis is rich rich rich, and has become a massively conceited, fame-whoring jerk.

Michael Myers: is surprisingly ambulatory for a dead guy, which teaches us the following lesson: if you have to shoot your furiously strong, unbelievably resilient, psychotic brother, shoot him until the gun is empty. And then go and get another gun, and shoot him until that’s empty. Then cut off his head.

Michael Myers Mommy: is also surprisingly active for a dead woman. Also, she wants Michael to kill Laurie for some reason. And she hangs out with the Prancing White Pony.

Rob Zombie: OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: Shut up.

Laurie Strode: is doing quite well, really. Since her family, and most of her friends, were murdered right in front of her eyes, she’s living with the Sheriff and his daughter. She’s got a medicine cabinet full of drugs (mostly legal), a tramp stamp, and some slutty new friends to replace her slutty dead friends. Also, she wakes up screaming. Every. Single. Night. Picture of mental health, this one.

Rob Zombie: Okay, now that we’re all caught up, off to the hospital we go!

Thomas: Huh, that’s surprising. I really didn’t expect him to follow the plot of the original, loved, and respected Halloween sequel. I really expected him to film whatever random crap dropped out of his drug-addled brain the night they started shooting.

Michael Myers: murders the entire hospital in a raging display of visceral, hateful violence, tracks Laurie to her hiding place, proves surprisingly immune to the old “I can’t see you, so you can’t see me” ruse, and begins to literally tear apart the building his little sister is hiding in. He raises his axe, and prepares to bring it crashing down into Laurie’s soft, vulnerable flesh, and…

Rob Zombie: Surprise, that was all just a dream! You really didn’t think I was going to follow the plot of that lame original, did you?

Thomas: <mutter> All right, what next?

Rob Zombie: Well, you’ll never believe what dropped out of my drug-addled brain the night they started shooting…

Thomas: sonofa…

Michael Myers: really isn’t Michael Myers. He isn’t The Shape, he doesn’t even wear the mask the whole time. He’s just an angry homeless guy with impulse control issues. And he sees visions of his dead mother, and her Prancing…

Rob Zombie: OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: Stop. That.

Rob Zombie: Whatever, dude. Okay, time for some more killing. Hey, watch Mike stab these redneck hillbillies!

Thomas: Where did they come from?

Rob Zombie: Who cares? They’re getting murdered! Isn’t that exciting?

Thomas: Well, no, not really.

Rob Zombie: Well someone needs to lighten up. Anyway, lets have some arial shots of Mike walking through some fields, tracking down his sister. Isn’t he like a force of nature? Look at the way he walks!

Thomas: Yeah, he sure is… putting one foot in front of the other there. Where is Laurie, anyway? I mean, it looks like they’re in the middle of nowhere, but the Sheriff is still the Sheriff. But no one seems to know her, or what happened to her, which seems kind of odd, if they stayed in Haddonfield.

Rob Zombie: Haddonfield? Look, I’m not sure where she is. What’s important is that Mike is coming to get her!

Thomas: Wait, you don’t know where she is, and you wrote this thing, but Michael has like, what, super sister stalking powers or something? Family murdering GPS?

Prancing White Pony: Actually, I lead him there.

Rob Zombie: OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: I swear to God… And you’re a hallucination! How are you leading him anywhere?

Prancing White Pony: Um… whinny, neigh, etc.

Rob Zombie: So, on to the strip club! Look, it’s where Mike’s mom used to work, it says so right there on the side of the building! “The mother of some guy who killed like five people used to take her clothes off here!” And Mike’s killing everyone inside. All three of them!

Thomas: Why?

Rob Zombie: He’s retracing his steps, recreating his past. Its the inevitable cycle of doom! The circle of life! Isn’t that deep?

Thomas: No. And if you start singing an Elton John song, I promise you I will burn down this theater.

Rob Zombie: Okay, okay, okay, check this out! I’ve got this totally awesome hillbilly stoner thirty-year-olds-playing-teenagers halloween rave party scene! And look… Mike is totally killing Laurie’s best friend!

Thomas: What? There are like five hundred people at that party, and Michael just happens to murder the one person there with a connection to Laurie? Can he smell her on her clothes or something?

Rob Zombie: Creepy, huh? Just wait until the Extended Directors Cut, where Mike also kills Laurie’s mailman, the guy who works the register at the grocery store where Laurie shops, a guy who happened to get gas at the same pump Laurie had used seven days ago, everyone who’s asked Laurie to be their friend on Facebook, and this guy who saw Laurie in the mall for like ten seconds and thought she was kind of cute.

Thomas: Fantastic. Can we get on with this?

Rob Zombie: Sure! Okay, let’s kill the Sheriff’s daughter, Laurie’s other friend, and a random guy who stops his car to see if the hysterical, blood covered girl laying in the middle of the road is all right. Surprise! Mike’s got Laurie! Time for the hostage negotiations!

Thomas: What? The whole point of the Michael Myers character is that he is a manifestation of pure evil. He cannot be stopped, and he cannot be bargained with. Once you’re in his sights, you are going to die, unless you’re his kid sister, in which case you’re only going to be emotionally scarred for life.

Dr. Loomis: I saw the hostage standoff from my five star hotel in New York, and traveled all the way to… wherever we are… in five minutes in order to negotiate with Michael! Let me talk to him!

Cops: Screw you, famehound. We’re going to do the negotiating. With bullets.

Dr. Loomis: No, that might prove effective! Let me charge into the room unarmed, and begin shouting commands at the man I have called The Devil Incarnate, and screaming at his catatonic, epileptic, french maid sister!

Thomas: French maid?

Laurie Strode: Halloween, remember? This is my costume. My scanty, scanty costume. Also: twitch, convulse, scream.

Michael Myers: kills Dr. Loomis. By… shaking him? Violently?

Laurie Strode: says “I love you, brother,” then stabs Michael repeatedly. Oh, and she also hallucinates her dead mother. Who she cannot possibly have any memory of.

Thomas: Well, thank God that’s over. At least you didn’t try to pull some kind of a switch, like making Laurie…

Laurie Strode: puts on Michael’s mask.

Thomas: No. NO. This is crap. You are not allowed to do this.

Laurie Strode: is in a mental institution.

Thomas: You prick…

Laurie Strode: sees the dead mother she cannot possibly have a memory of, standing next to a Prancing White Pony.

Rob Zombie: OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: begins to twitch uncontrollably. Damn it, Zombie! What the hell?

Rob Zombie: Wait, wait, there’s some photos playing behind the credits! Maybe I have a special extra scene in here somewhere! Don’t you want to say and watch?

Thomas: No. No, I do not. What I want to do, is track you down, destroy everything that you hold lovely, slowly murder you, and then display your body as a warning to anyone that is thinking about releasing a movie this terrible ever again.

Rob Zombie: See! The evil is contagious! It’s spreading to you! Just like in my deep, insightful movie!

Thomas: starts looking for edged weapons…