Legion

Peter Schink: Reads Baby’s First Screenplay, does a line of coke. Whoo! I wrote a movie!

Scott Stewart: Does a line of coke Whoo! Daddy bought me a video camera! Let’s do this thing!

The Entire Cast: Whatever. We need the paychecks. Does lines of coke.

The Directors: Get it, huh, get it? Los Angeles? The City of Angels?

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, I’ve been following The Big Guy for like six thousand years now, and I know he’s omnipotent and omniscient and not at all fond of it when His angels rebel (cough Satan cough), but I’m pretty sure I know better than Him this time around. I’m going to give Him what He needs, not what He wants!

The Archangel Michael: Rebells against heaven, falls to earth, shows off his magic angel language tattoos, cuts off his wings with his Enocian Vorpal Bowie Knife.

Thomas: Wait, why did he cut his wings off?

The Directors: Dude, angel wing special effects are expensive.

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, now that I’m newly wingless, I better stock up on weapons! I know, I’ll break into this toy store, assault this guard for no reason, and steal the toy store’s enormous cache of weapons!

Thomas: Really. This is what happens.

The Archangel Michael: Time to make my escape! I know, I’ll blow a cross-shaped hole in the wall with the magic Angel powers I will never again display, kill a couple of cops, and steal their car! I’m the good guy!

Charlie: I’m pregnant!

Jeep: :-)

Charlie: The baby’s not yours!

Jeep: :-(

Charlie: Actually, I don’t know who got me pregnant, but is sure wasn’t God! nervous laugh

Jeep: 0_o

Grumpy Diner Owner: I’m grumpy!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: I’m trapped in a loveless marriage!

The Wife That’s Never Happy: I’m never happy!

Their Slutty Daughter: I’m slutty!

Black Guy One: I have a hook for a hand! That’s like character development!

Black Guy Two: I have a gun! Just like all black people!

Evil Grandma: I’m a demon angel! fangs!

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: dies

Black Guy One: Shoot her! Shoot her!

Jeep: I can’t!

Black Guy Two: This looks like a job for Token Minority Man! Busts a cap, yo.

The Archangel Michael: Hi, guys! Did you ever hear the one about the time God lost faith in humanity and sent a legion of angels to wipe out the entire human race, and it was up to one rebellious angel with a heart of gold to save the world?

The Entire Cast: 0_o

The Archangel Michael: Because that’s totally what’s happening right now. Oh, and your baby is like Jesus 2.0 or something. Yeah, the Second Coming. That’s it.

Thomas: That’s… not how the Second Coming is supposed to happen…

The Archangel Michael: It’s the Second Coming!

Thomas: Ooooookay then. Backs away slowly.

All of the Awesome Action Scenes and Deep Theological Ideas That Could Be Explored In A Movie About A Fallen Angel With A Heart of Gold Battling Demons Other Angels: Happen in a different movie.

All of the Boring Stuff That’s Supposed to Make Us Care About These People, But Doesn’t: Takes up half of the running time.

The Archangel Michael: Broods.

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Grr, we are attacking.

The Archangel Michael: Shoots them.

A Horde of Zombies Demons People Possessed by Angels: Okay, we give up.

The Guy Who’s Going to Die Soon: Hey, it turns out I’m not dead! I’ve actually been crucified upside down, right outside The Most Important Diner in the World, which is in no way a trap!

Thomas: Really? You’re crucifying people upside down? And you’re on God’s side?

The Wife That’s Never Happy: Oh no, the husband I do not love! I must rescue him!

Black Guy One: No! All of the minorities must die first! Runs outside, dies.

Black Guy Two: So you load the bullets in here, and this is the safety…

Slutty Daughter: Please. I dated a Marine over the summer. I know my way around his gun.

Thomas: Cough.

A Hapless Family: Is beset by the Horde of Whatever They Are.

Black Guy Two: I’ll save you! Runs outside, dies.

Slutty Daughter: Oh no! I’ll save you! Runs outside, is white, doesn’t die.

The Archangel Michael: Lock and load, baby! Walks outside with an entire arsenal, fires three shots, and proceeds to fight the rest of the Horde of Whatever with his fists.

Charlie: Has the quickest delivery in history.

Jesus 2.0: Is born. Again. </pun>

The Archangel Michael: Don’t worry, the Horde of Whatever can’t come near the baby.

Thomas: So they were sent to… what? Look on disapprovingly?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, go ahead out the back, they won’t bother you. Find the prophets!

Thomas: The prophets? You mean the guys who hear the voice of God? The same God that wants everyone to die? Those prophets?

The Archangel Michael: Anyway, you guys take off, and I’ll stay here and fight The Archangel Gabriel.

The Archangel Gabriel : Thundering trumpet blow!

The Archangel Michael: He does that every time you say his name. Facepalm.

The Horde of Whatever: Looks on disapprovingly.

Creepy Little Girl Covered in Blood with a Grocery Bag Over Her Head: Hey, I just wandered in from Silent Hill, and they said they needed extras, so…

Jeep and Charlie: Escape.

The Archangel Gabriel : Has bulletproof wings made out of razor blades, a fifty pound mace with extendo-spikes that also turns into a buzz saw, and magic angel powers.

The Archangel Michael: Has one torn t-shirt, two days of stubble, and three rounds left in his gun.

This Fight: Goes about the way you would expect.

The Archangel Michael: Dies.

Jeep: Hey, look, I have magic angel language tattoos now!

Charlie: Wow, you’re all rebellious and angelic now!

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb this mountain!

The Archangel Gabriel : Haha! I have you now! Give me the child, or you die!

Charlie: And if I do give you the child?

The Archangel Gabriel : Well, God’s going to kill you anyway.

The Archangel Michael: No! I am back, and my rebellion, coupled with my selfless sacrifice, and the writer’s desperate need to force a happy ending, have convinced God of the error of His ways! Humanity is saved!

The Archangel Gabriel : Flies away in an emo funk.

The Archangel Michael: Take care, my human friends! Raise this child well, for He will lead humanity out of the apocalypse… that we… just averted… and… hey, look over there! Flies away.

Jeep: Hey, let’s climb back down this mountain!

Charlie: Facepalm.

Legion was a much better movie when it was called The Prophecy and starred Christopher Walken and had some semblance of a plot and/or internal consistency.