Ninja Assassin

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Hey, boss, this envelope just came for you.

Unnamed Yakuza Boss: Who’s it from?

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Ozunu Clan House of Wanton Slaughter and Dumplings.

Old Tattoo Artist Guy: Asian swear words

Ninjas: appear

Gigabytes and Gigabytes of blood: spurt

Everyone: dies

Interpol Chick: Hey boss, I’ve got a career-making lead!

Interpol Guy: What is it? Drug cartel? Kidnapping ring? Arms dealer?

Interpol Chick: Even better… Ninjas!

Interpol Guy: facepalm

Asian Girl at the Laundromat: Hey Ninja Assassin, can you help me fold my sheets?

Rain: flips out, kills her

The Backstory: is an hour-long distraction from the reason I paid ten bucks to see this movie: to watch ninjas flip out and kill people.

Rain: meditates on his past, does Yoga on a bed of nails, practices the art of CGI-jutsu

Interpol Chick: Hey boss! I think I’m really onto something here!

Interpol Guy: Why’s that?

Interpol Chick: Because everyone that has ever started investigating these ninjas has been murdered to death with a billion throwing stars!

Interpol Guy: facepalm

Interpol Chick: Why is everyone sitting around outside the apartment building?

Exposition Guy: Oh, no reason. The power was mysteriously cut, and it’s pitch black inside. Also: teeming with ninjas.

Interpol Chick: Oh, well then I better go inside!

Fodder Ninja: Kiiiiiiiya!

Shaky-cam CGI-jutsu: happens

Rain: flips out, kills Fodder Ninja

Interpol Chick: hyperventilation, gratitude, swoon

Approximately Five Hundred and Twenty Seven Ninjas: chase Rain to avenge Fodder Ninja’s death, or defend the clan honor, or something. It doesn’t matter.

Interpol Chick: Hey Boss! Hundreds of ninjas are chasing us! We need help!

Interpol Guy: Okay, meet me at the usual place.

Thomas: There’s a usual place? This happens often enough to have a usual place?

Thomas: wants that job

Interpol Chick: Thanks, Boss! So, I was thinking I could go into Witness Protection, and you could give Rain here like a bazooka or something, and we could kick back while he flips out and kills the bad guys.

Interpol Guy: Well, I guess we could do that, or I could just arrest him. For being Asian, you know.

Rain: facepalm

Approximately One Million, Three Hundred Thousand, Four Hundred and Fifty Two Ninjas: assault the secret Interpol command headquarters / detention center / love nest

Throwing Stars: are much more effective that machine guns

Every Interpol Agent, Even if He Isn’t Physically Present: dies

Rain: flips out, kills a bunch of ninjas

The Sub-Boss Ninja: sticks Rain with a dozen throwing stars, runs him through with his sword, drops him off a building, and hits him over with a car

Rain: is minorly inconvenienced

Rain and the Interpol Chick: are kidnapped, and taken to the Secret Ninja Compound in the Mountains

The Secret Ninja Compound in the Mountains: is a Japanese Castle in Berlin, Germany, by the way. Yes, these are apparently German ninjas.

Approximately Three Billion Ninjas: line up in front of Rain

Rain: flips out, kills them

Evil Ninja Master Guy: At last, I can punish Rain for the disrespect he showed when blah blah blah. And Interpol is not here to save you!

Interpol: shows up to save him

Evil Ninja Master Guy: facepalm

Interpol: machine guns!

Ninjas: throwing stars!

Interpol: rocket launchers!

Thomas: Yes, rocket launchers. The Interpol agents storm the German Ninja Fortress of Doom in helicopters and black Humvees, spray machine gun fire wildly, and then they decide that that isn’t quite enough, so they pull out a bunch of bazookas, and start going to town. I almost wept.

Ninjas: explode, die

Evil Ninja Master Guy: grimace, sulk, threaten

Rain: glower, brood, menace

Interpol Chick: Hi, guys!

Evil Ninja Master Guy: stabs her

Rain: flips out, kills him

Rain: heals Interpol Chick with the power of happy thoughts or something

The Movie: ends