Predators

Adrien Brody: Yawn. Wow, that was a good… nap… shit.

Adrien Brody: Wow, I sure am glad to be alive!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at Adrien Brody.

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at the Russian Cannon Fodder.

Hot Girl: Points a gun at the Mexcian Cannon Fodder.

Adrien Brody: Stop! We can’t fight each other! We have a common enemy!

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Yeah? Who?

Adrien Brody: …anyway, let’s go find the rest of our rag-tag bunch of victims soldiers!

African Cannon Fodder and Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Play a game of grab-ass.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Is silent. But deadly.

Topher Grace: Um, guys? Can someone get me out of this tree? Anyone? Help? Please?

The Predator: Stalks invisibly.

The Entire Jungle: Has been turned into a deathtrap.

Hot Girl: Wait, this reminds me of a report I read, years ago, about a US Special Forces member who used trees and vines to create traps that his opponent couldn’t-

Adrien Brody: Hey, check out this US Special Forces guy! He’s got a hole where his chest used to be!

Hot Girl: Nevermind.

Hell-Dogs: Woof.

Millions of Rounds of Ammunition: Are fired.

Adrien Brody: Thank God we’re all safe!

Mexican Cannon Fodder: Could someone put my lungs back in please?

Hot Girl: Sure is wacky how this makeshift compass can’t seem to figure out which way is north, huh?

Adrien Brody: That’s all right, we’ll just head for high ground and then head toward the nearest-

The FX Department: Hey, check out this matte painting we did of a bunch of alien moons!

Adrien Brody: Shit.

Adrien Brody: So, we’re trapped on an alien planet and being hunted for game. There’s only one thing to do…

Hot Girl: Follow the Hell-dogs’ tracks back to their base camp, and launch a surprise assault?

Adrien Brody: I was going to go with “use the cannon fodder as bait so I can figure out what’s trying to kill me”, but whatever you want to tell yourself, sweetheart.

Classic Predator: Is trussed up and hanging from a totem pole.

Adrien Brody: Hey Russian guy, go poke that thing with a stick, would ya?

Russian Cannon Fodder: Da!

Classic Predator: Angryface.

Adrien Brody: Wait for it…

African Cannon Fodder: Dies.

Adrien Brody: That was so cool.

Plasma Casters: Pew pew pew!

Hot Girl: So, it sure was kind of a dick move how you hid behind that bush while… whatever that African guy’s name was… got murdered to death.

Adrien Brody: Oh yeah? Well it’s also kind of a dick move that you haven’t given us any exposition yet!

Hot Girl: …fine. Recaps the original Predator movie.

Everyone: Holy shit reptile hunter aliens with mandibles and space ships and ray guns and invisibility cloaks and wrist knives and skull collections we’re all gonna die shit!

Adrien Brody: So, who wants to volunteer to be bait?

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Someone small, and fast…

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Someone that doesn’t have a gun…

Topher Grace: …

Adrien Brody: Thanks for volunteering, Topher! You run that way, and we’ll try to shoot the invisible death ray alien lizard before he rips your spine out, okay?

Topher Grace: This plan sucks.

Morpheus: I’ve been here for seven years!

Morpheus: You idiot! It’s been ten years!

Morpheus: Oh right! Hey, did you know that Predators come in two kinds?

Morpheus: Yep! Classic Predators and Super Predators!

Morpheus: The Super Predators hunt in threes!

Morpheus: And the Classic Predators serve no point whatsoever!

Adrien Brody: So… that scene in the trailer, where I get lit up with like fifty million Predator aiming lasers?

Morpheus: Totally not in the movie!

Morpheus: Gotcha!

Everyone: Backs away slowly.

Adrien Brody: Say, if you’ve been living as a scavenger for the last decade, how come you’re so fat?

Morpheus: …you wanna light these asshole on fire?

Morpheus: Yep.

The Predator: Hey, what’s all this noise?

Morpheus: Dies

Topher Grace: Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Worry not, little man! I will save you!

Russian Cannon Fodder: Pulls a grenade.

Russian Cannon Fodder and a Predator: Die.

Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Hey, these Predators are honorable, right? Like, they won’t kill a guy who isn’t armed?

Another Predator: Plasma caster!

Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Oh. Dies.

Another Predator: Spine rip!

Hot Girl: That reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where the Predator ripped the spine out of a guy named Poncho!

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Well, we’re screwed. I think I’m going to face this alien lizard death ray guy head on, and at least die an honorable death.

Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy named Billie took off most of his clothes and faced the Predator with nothing but a machete.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Yeah? How’d that go?

Hot Girl: Death by Offscreen Scream.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bummer. Well, I have a katana, so the director is basically obligated to show me fighting.

Another Predator: Uncloaks.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bows ceremonially.

Six Foot Wrist Blades: Appear out of nowhere.

Japenese Cannon Fodder: Reconsiders this life decision.

Japenese Cannon Fodder and the Predator: Die.

Topher Grace: Man, I sure am glad these Predators like a challenge, and wouldn’t resort to anything like putting a bear trap on this path!

A Bear Trap: Sproing!

Topher Grace: Sadface.

Adrien Brody: Man, that sucks. Well, good luck. I’m going to go steal a spaceship.

Adrien Brody: I must find some way to communicate with this Predator that the other Predators tied to this totem pole! Thankfully I studied mime in college!

Adrien Brody: Makes a bunch of silly faces and wild gestures.

Classic Predator: Beep boop beep bop Earth hologram.

Adrien Brody: Score!

Super Predator: Tosses Hot Girl and Topher Grace into a pit.

Hot Girl: Well, this sucks, but if we work together, I think we can escape.

Topher Grace: Well, that’s one option. Or… I could stab you with this neurotoxin, and then ramble on about how I’m a serially killer that finally feels at home here on this planet of killers.

Hot Girl: But then how will you escape from the pit?

Topher Grace: Crazy eyes!

Classic Predator: Rawr!

Super Predator: Decapitate!

Adrien Brody: Sadface.

Adrien Brody: Hey guys, turns out I have no way off this planet after all, so I came back here for company. Let me help you out of this pit.

Hot Girl: Nnn! Hish a srl klr!

Adrien Brody: What was that?

Topher Grace: I think she said “He’s seriously cool. Er.”

Adrien Brody: Oh, that’s funny. I thought she said “He’s a serial killer, and you should stab him a few times, then boobytrap his body so that it injures the Super Predator, giving you a reasonable chance of winning.”

Topher Grace: Sadface.

Topher Grace: Bleeds quietly on the ground.

Super Predator: Nudge, nudge.

The Boobytraps: Go boom.

Topher Grace: Dies.

Adrien Brody: Covers himself in mud, and lights a bunch of fires

Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy-

Adrien Brody: Enough, all right? We get it. This movie is one big homage to the original Predator. And how can you even talk? You’re paralyzed.

Hot Girl: Mrphl!

Super Predator: Rawr!

Adrien Brody: Decapitate!

More Humans (and Hell-Dogs and Lizard People and Things): Fall from the sky.

Adrien Brody: Well. Let’s go find a way off of this planet.

Hot Girl: How are we going to do that?

Adrien Brody: I have no idea. I just wanted the camera to fade to black, so we could have sexy time now.

The Camera: Fades to black.