Suicide Squad: RECAP

Some Government Stooge: So guys, I’ve been thinking: Superman murdered like ten or eleven thousand people when he destroyed Metropolis, right? And then kicked off an African civil war because his girlfriend is an idiot? And then he leveled a good chunk of the city fighting the cave troll from Lord of the Rings? And he’s the good guy? But what if he wasn’t? What if he went … evil?

Amanda Waller: The fact of the matter is, Metahumans are real, they’re dangerous, and they’re the next step not only in human evolution, but also in warfare. We were lucky that Superman was just careless, but the next guy might actually be malevolent, and right now, we do not have a plan to stop him.

General Tightass: What exactly are you proposing we do?

Amanda Waller: Form a team of people with superhuman powers and well-documented mental illnesses, give them access to the most advanced weaponry available to the United States military, set them lose, and hope for the best.

General Tightass: This sounds like an excellent plan and I see no potential downsides.

Amanda Waller: Okay, so good news / bad news time. The good news is that I have recruited a metahuman with powers so fantastic she may actually be a match for a Kryptonian.

General Tightass: And the bad news?

Amanda Waller: The bad news is she immediately rebelled against me, released her gigantic, even more powerful brother from his eternal prison, destroyed a city, and is currently weaving a spell from dark magic and the remains of a bunch of scrapped cars that will destroy the entire world and usher in a new age of darkness from which mankind will never recover.

General Tightass: …Christ.

Amanda Waller: Gentlemen, in light of the small … mishap … we experienced with Mostly Naked Voodoo Lady, I have activated a team of powerful metahumans with the skills necessary to take her down.

General Tightass: And who exactly is on this team?

Amanda Waller: Allow me to present to you: Has Really Good Aim Man, whose power is to be really good with the guns that can’t kill the Enchantress! And Terrible Eczema Guy, whose power is a nasty rash and terrible dental problems! Next up, Crazy Circus Girl, a former psychologist driven insane by the Joker, whose powers include looking amazing in booty shorts, talking in a very convincing New Jersey Accent, and swinging a baseball bat! And don’t forget the Pacifist Pyromaniac, a man who can summon and control flames and even turn into a giant raging fire monster, but who refuses to use his powers, even in self defense, because of a terrible secret in his terrible past! Their leader is Douchebag Command!

General Tightass: What’s his power?

Amanda Waller: Oh, he’s just a normal guy, but he was sleeping with Naked Voodoo Lady before she went off the rails, so at least his loyalties are super divided! He’s also backed up by a woman with a long knife that steals souls or something.

Some Government Stooge: Don’t forget the most important member of the team, Captain Boomerang!

General Tightass: …

Amanda Waller: His name is literally Captain Boomerang. He throws boomerangs.

General Tightass: We are so incredibly screwed.

Some Government Stooge: How did you ever capture these amazingly ineffective deadly metahumans?

Amanda Waller: Two scenes with Batman and a Flash cameo.

Rick Flag: All right, Tom Hardy couldn’t be here today, so you assholes are stuck with me! Slipknot, are you here?

Slipknot: Sure am!

Rick Flag: Awesome. [bleedoop!]

[Slipknot’s head explodes]

Rick Flag: And that’s what’s going to happen if you sorry sons of bitches don’t make up for the money we lost on Batman v Superman. Any questions?

Harley Quinn: Um, yeah … if you’re looking for a big opening weekend, are you sure you want me wearing all these clothes?

Will Smith: Anybody got a backpack I can carry this movie in? ’Cause it’s kinda heavy.

Rick Flag: Our mission, whether you chose to accept it or not, is to infiltrate Metro City, fight our way to the Christopher Reeve Federal Building, battle our way to the top floor, rescue a Very Important Person, and escort them to the roof, where we will then be airlifted out by a helicopter. Any more questions?

Will Smith: Yeah … why doesn’t this VIP just walk their ass up to the roof and meet the helicopter right now?

Rick Flag: How about you shut the fuck up?

Rick Flag: Okay, time for our first big action scene! Will Smith, shoot a bunch of people! Pyro Guy, you hang back, we don’t want to blow our effects budget until the final act! The rest of you! Your powers are pretty fucking useless, so just do the whole Hawkeye thing and try not to get killed!

Will Smith: Like seriously, the whole movie is literally on my shoulders, and I think it’s going to negatively effect my posture.

Pacifist Pyromaniac: Is it time to pour out our souls and reveal that we’re actually good people, despite the terrible things we’ve done?

Harley Quinn: I need alcohol.

Will Smith: To the redemption mobile!

Amanda Waller: Thank you for rescuing me, Suicide Squad! As a token of my appreciation, I will now murder you all in cold blood!

The Joker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Harley Quinn: Later kids!

Amanda Waller: I should have seen this coming.

Rick Flag: Okay, here’s the situation! Naked Voodoo Lady and Tall Fire Guy, not to be confused with our skull-face tattoo fire guy, are going to destroy the world! Our needlessly complicated plan is to use your useless powers to distract them while a team of Navy SEALs swim a bomb to the precise location Tall Fire Guy will be standing, then offer up their lives in exchange for our freedom!

Pacifist Pyromaniac: Can I finally turn into Fire Hulk?

Rick Flag: Yes, but we’re almost out of money, so you’re gonna have to die in this scene!

Will Smith: Okay, we’ve established our anti-hero cred through our selfless sacrifice, but how are we gonna defeat the Mostly Naked Voodoo Lady?

Harley Quinn: I know! Though the power of friendship!

The Mostly Naked Voodoo Lady: Seriously? I’m a six-millennia old god-witch currently ravaging the world with nothing but my mind, and you’re gonna take me down with friendship?

Harley Quinn: Well, friendship and this magic soul-capturing sword I found laying around.

The Mostly Naked Voodoo Lady: Okay, that might work.

Rick Flag: I sure hope killing her brings my lover back from the shadowy land of the damned!

Will Smith: Look bro, you’re a good guy and all, but–

Rick Flag’s Lover: Hi guys! I’m back from the shadowy land of the damned!

Will Smith: –Yeah, you’re all good.

Amanda Waller: Thanks for saving the world, guys! Back to jail you go!

The Joker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Harley Quinn: Later kids!

Amanda Waller: I should have seen this coming.

Bruce Wayne: Hello Amanda. I’m here to set up the Justice League.

Amanda Waller: You look tired, Mr. Wayne. Almost like you spend your nights dressed up like a bat and punching the criminally insane.

Bruce Wayne: That’s because I’m Batman.

Amanda Waller: Yeah, I know. That’s what I was implying. Like, I wanted you to know that you aren’t as clever as you think you are? That I’ve discovered your carefully hidden secret using nothing but my wit, intellect, and the vast resources of the US Intelligence Community?

Bruce Wayne: I’m Batman.