Alex Reagan: Last week, on The Black Tapes, HOLY FUCKING SHIT I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT CORALEE IS ALIVE I MEAN I KIND OF KNEW SHE WAS BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHE PULLED UP IN A VAN AND SAID COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE SHE’S SOME KIND OF GODDAMNED BEEKEEPING TERMINATOR WHAT THE EVEN FUCK IS GOING ON ANYMORE, Amalia told us Keith Dabic’s face was cut off by evil monks and stapled onto some homeless guy’s head, Richard went into exhaustive detail about a fake Gospel nobody’s ever read, and I tried to convince Nic to pay for a trip to the mythical landing site of Noah’s arc. Spoilers, it turns out even shipping me with postage bought from Stamps.com was beyond our budget.

Some Government Stooge: So guys, I’ve been thinking: Superman murdered like ten or eleven thousand people when he destroyed Metropolis, right? And then kicked off an African civil war because his girlfriend is an idiot? And then he leveled a good chunk of the city fighting the cave troll from Lord of the Rings? And he’s the good guy? But what if he wasn’t? What if he went … evil?

Amanda Waller: The fact of the matter is, Metahumans are real, they’re dangerous, and they’re the next step not only in human evolution, but also in warfare. We were lucky that Superman was just careless, but the next guy might actually be malevolent, and right now, we do not have a plan to stop him.

General Tightass: What exactly are you proposing we do?

Amanda Waller: Form a team of people with superhuman powers and well-documented mental illnesses, give them access to the most advanced weaponry available to the United States military, set them lose, and hope for the best.

General Tightass: This sounds like an excellent plan and I see no potential downsides.

Alex Reagan: Hello, Wayne Coats? I understand you have some shocking revelations about Richard Strand’s youth, secrets that he would refuse to tell me and details that he would be loath to have broadcast to the public, and I was wondering if you’d care to share all of those intimate details with me, my tape recorder, and our thousands of listeners!

Wayne Coats: Why, I’d love to tell you all about my childhood friend, Richie Strand! First, you have to understand that he was always the quiet type, never dramatic, never calling attention to himself. Second, you should know that he was absolutely fearless and totally loyal. Finally, you need to remember that he gained terrible psychic powers through some dark pact with an infernal entity intent on channeling the forces of the apocalypse through young Richie’s soul.

Alex Reagan: Could you go into a bit more detail about that?

Wayne Coats: Sure! See, there was this one time when some bullies knocked me down and tried to steal my bike, but Richie, who was like five years younger and outnumbered ten to one, stood up to them, never blinking, refusing to back down! Even when he was a kid the guy had cantaloupes the size of, well, cantaloupes.

Alex Reagan: No, I mean the inexplicable powers obtained through dark magics.

Wayne Coats: Oh, of course! Silly me. Well, you know about the Boy in the River, right Bobby Maimes, who was kidnapped and murdered in our home town? Well Richie had this terrible dream, a dream that showed him the ghost of a boy and a fork in a river, but that was all a metaphor. See, the ghost boy was a representation of our innocence, and the fork in the river was how our destinies were all being changed by this terrible event. But it was also pretty literal, because a demon named Tall Paul whispered terrible secrets into Richie’s ear while he slept, telling him how Bobby died and where the body was hidden.

Alex Reagan: So … PNWS boom?

Nic Silver: PNWS boom.

[PNWS Boom]

Nic Silver: Hi Alex! Great news! I’ve used my super sleuthing hacker skills to track down incredibly important information about Thomas Warren and the Exorcismatron 2000!

Alex Reagan: You mean you Googled his name and actually read what was on the second page of results?

Nic Silver: …anyway, I found out that Thomas Warren sits on the Board of Directors of a company called Lucaternica, which is a wholly-owned subsidiary of DevaCorp, and their most important product is …

Alex Reagan: Oh! I know! I know! Giant demon trapping machines used by shifty men in shady black suits performing bizarre exorcisms while supervised by incompetent medical professional!

Nic Silver: Close! They make pachinko machines!

Alex Reagan: …Are you sure MereKatnip doesn’t want to help with our investigation?

Coming 2017: Khal Drogo’s Beach Vacation!

Some quick reactions:

• “What I do is not up to you” is a great fucking line
• Holy shit the Lasso of Truth looks amazing
• Gal Gadot is a badass. Watching her mow down bad guys armed with machine guns using nothing but a sword, shield, and rope is epic
• Etta Candy is in a live action movie. What world are we even living in?