Alex Reagan: The Black Tapes is brought to you by Rocket Sound. Who better to sponsor an episode about a terrible song that will usher in the end of days, an aria proclaimed by the forsaken, a chorus cried out by damned angels as their blood-splattered feathers fall from blackened wings, than the world’s leading provider of audio engineering services? Nobody, that’s who.

The Black Tapes is also sponsored by Stamps.com. Enter the promo code “TheBlackTapes” for this special offer: You see them, but they don’t see you, not yet. But they will, oh yes they will, because they know when you can see them, and it’s only a matter of time before their blind eyes open and turn towards you. Yes, due to budget constraints the US Postal Service is now staffed exclusively by blind cannibals who hunt using a rudimentary form of echolocation, and their favorite pray is the hapless fool who wanders too deeply into the Post Office. But with Stamps.com you can avoid this hellish trap and send your packages and letters all around the world without risking life and limb.

Stamps.com: we promise not to cannibalize you.

Alex Reagan: The Black Tapes is brought to you by Rocket Sound, who provide cutting-edge sound services for modern media. Searching for the song that will end the world? Questing after that one perfect note that will destroy all of reality? Too tired to do your own foley work? Let Rocket Sound do the dark acoustic work for you.

Alex Reagan: The Black Tapes is brought to you by Rocket Sound, who provide cutting-edge sound services for modern media. Do you need to record a plausible-sounding structural acoustician using complex techno-babble to explain the haunting melodies at the end of creation? Do you need to fabricate the shattered silence of the fracturing of reality? Rocket Sound has you covered. And if you act now, fans of The Black Tapes can schedule a recording session in Rocket Sound’s state-of-the-art studios without signing over their immortal soul to the fallen minstrel of damned creation. Rocket Sound: the only limit is your tenuous grasp on reality.

Alex: So far, my least favorite aspects of this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, have been the creepy credit union mental hospital and the possibility of demon possession. So of course this week Dr. Strand is dragging me to an asylum to meet with a boy who murdered the ever loving shit out of his parents in a fit of apparent demonomania. I’m starting to think Dr. Strand doesn’t like me very much.

Richard Strand: I don’t know why you could possibly think that. I mean sure, I’m being endlessly harassed by so-called journalists, and I’ve been invited to debate a creationist on CNN, and been overwhelmed by the attention heaped upon me due to your podcast, but why would I ever hold a grudge?

Alex: I thought you wanted publicity?

Richard Strand: I wanted publicity for my acute mental abilities and precise logic, not for the “rumors” that I “murdered” my wife in a fit of “demonic rage!”

Alex: And you don’t see why anyone would be interested in that?

Richard Strand: No I do not, and I resent the implication. Now if you will excuse me, I need to storm off in the first of many huffs.

Alex: I’ve got to admit, this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, is going a lot better than I expected! I can deal with shadowy figures lurking in the background of school photos an creepy sound clips and and prom queens with razor blades and upside down faces! I was just worried that I’d have to deal with demons or something! I hate demons! Can’t even watch The Exorcist without peeing my pants! So Richard, what Black Tape did you bring us this week?

Richard Strand: …it’s a video tape of an exorcism of a little girl.

Alex: I should have seen this coming.

Alex: Thank you for all of the messages, we really love hearing from our fans. However, Dr. Strand has asked me to inform you that “I totally know a guy whose cousin saw a video with a ghost in it” is not sufficient proof to win the Strand Institute’s million dollar prize. He has also stated that while he finds your offers of marriage, and other less wholesome, more lurid activities, flattering, he is currently in a long-term, committed relationship with never ever talking to you, you creepy creeper. Finally, on behalf of PWNS, we are not currently in the market for, nor will we read, any erotic fan fiction.

Alex: Remember how I said we uncovered some interesting information about Dr. Strand, but how it wasn’t relevant to our investigation, and we therefore would not air that material? Well guess what, kids? Alex changed her mind again! Turns out that Dr. Strand was married, his wife mysteriously disappeared in 1997, and the prime suspect in her vanishing … and her presumed murder … was Dr. Strand himself.

But never mind the fact that I am using a possible killer as both the subject and expert in this podcast, which is like radio for the internet! Because Richard Strand has offered to share with me yet another Black Tape, and like a crack addict jonesing for a fix, I need me some of that sweet supernatural mystery.

Nic Silver: Before you go running off, don’t you think it’s kind of odd that this deeply private man, who has called into question both your integrity and your intelligence multiple times in just a few short days, is offering to open up his research to you, when he was at first so fast to hide it from you?

Alex: Nope!

Nic Silver: Isn’t it possible that he has an ulterior motive, that he is planning to use you, and this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, and me, who is like a producer for podcasts, to further his own nefarious goals?

Alex: Of course not! There is absolutely no way that Dr. Strand has any personal connection to the supernatural, or that the disappearance of his wife will factor in to our investigation, or that I will find myself in personal turmoil and danger because of this story.

Nic Silver: All right then! Good talk!

Alex: So this Strand guy is really weird, right?

Nic Silver: Totally.

Alex: And his story would make for a fascinating podcast, right?

Nic Silver: What’s a podcast?

Alex: Goddammit Nic, you’re a podcast producer! You know what a podcast is!

Nic Silver: I know, but I want to make sure the audience knows!

Alex: Nic, they’re listening to a fucking podcast! They know it’s like radio for the internet!

Nic Silver: There, was that so hard to say?

Alex: Okay, fine. So about all of these mysterious happenings, scandalous revelations, and dark omens surrounding Richard Strand …?

Nic Silver: Eh, I don’t think they’ll factor into the story. Let’s not talk about them on the air, except maybe for a few casual mentions to drive the audience’s imagination wild.

Now, about the way you lied to Dr. Strand in order to trick him into sharing his Black Tapes with you. I’m just a little bit worried that you’re walking a thin line, ethically speaking.

Alex: That’s going to be a theme.

Alex: Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Hapless Passerby: Um … sure?

Alex: Do you believe in ghosts?

Hapless Passerby: I guess. I mean, I never really thought about it, but … hey, is that a microphone?

Alex: What about goblins? Poltergeists? Demons?

Hapless Passerby: What are you on about?

Alex: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

Hapless Passerby: I’m not trying to become a ghostbuster!

Alex: What about life after death? Reincarnation? The immortality of the human soul?

Hapless Passerby: I … don’t know?

Alex: IS DEATH THE END OR JUST A GATEWAY TO SOMETHING ELSE?

Hapless Passerby: Please don’t hurt me.