Thomas: Woah, it’ cool, I’ve got this.

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Cute Young Couple: Set up a tent in the Creepy Forrest of Cute Young Death, surrounded by the Menacing Fog of Menace.

Thomas: Do I really have to tell you how this turns out? No. Good.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Write emo in their diaries, with a hint of “my life now has meaning, because an attractive member of the opposite sex has acknowledged my existance.”

Aunt Jenna: Do I look adult? And suitably parental?

Thomas: No, you still look twelve.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Tyler Lockwood: Macks on some random hotties, despite the fact that his girlfriend was eaten by a vampire less then twenty-four hours ago.

Jeremy Gilbert: Chivalrous rage!

Annoying History Teacher: Hey there, thanks for coming in. Just wanted to let you know that you’re totally unqualified to be raising a couple of kids.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Annoying History Teacher: You know, because you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty! And I did the sexy librarian thing with my hair!

Thomas: If this guy doesn’t get eaten, I will walk to Hollywood and kill him myself.

Vicki Donovan: I was attacked by a vampire!

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: I mean, a puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Close enough.

Caroline Truitt: So, have you sexed him yet?

Elena Gilbert: Caroline Truitt, shame on yourself! We are totally going to drag that plot line out for the rest of the season!

Aunt Jenna: Drugs are bad, m’kay? ‘Cause they make you fat.

Damon Salvatore: So, has Stefan told you about the girl he’s been pining over for the last hundred years, who happens to look exactly like you?

Elena Gilbert: Not so much, no.

Damon Salvatore: Oh. Oops.

Stefan Salvatore: broods

Damon Salvatore: flirts

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Vicki Donovan: Do I know you?

Damon Salvatore: Surprise, still a vampire!

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A vampire!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Are we going to do this all night?

Aunt Jenna: I suck as a parent!

Thomas: Well, yeah, you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Elena Gilbert: Talks emo to Stefan.

Stefan Salvatore: Talks emo to Elena.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Share their first emo kiss.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Damon Salvatore: So, you know that whole sex-is-a-metaphor-for-death thing we vampires have going on?

Caroline Truitt: Yeah?

Damon Salvatore: fang!

Furthering fears that I one: have no taste and two: am going to hell, I’ve decided to do a recap of The Vampire Diaries, the latest utterly trashy cash-in on the emo teen vampire phenomenon. I’ll probably do a recap for each episode, unless I decide that the show’s too boring to bother. And so, without further ado, and less than a week late: