This morning, I intended to wake up at 6am (which is sleeping in for me, these days), go to the office, and get a jump on all of the stuff I have to do for next week. Instead, I hit the snooze button until 7, then shut it off and slept till 10.

I decided that the office could wait until tomorrow - or even Sunday - and I didn’t have to be anywhere for another few hours, so I had to decide how to kill the rest of my day. And since I haven’t quite had my fill of emo teen vampire romance angst, I went to see Twilight again.

First off, I really like Robert Pattinson. His fake American accent sounds strangely like a fake European accent, but other than that…

RPatz, as he has been loving dubbed by the Twihards, was handed a football. This confused him, because what he calls a football, we call a soccer ball, and what we call a football, he calls “that thing you play with that’s kind of like rugby, but without all that sissy padding and time outs, right?” Regardless, there were words written on this oddly-shaped sports implement: “Edward Cullen is a Self-Loathing Manic Depressive.” And RPatz, God bless him, took those words to heart, and ran that football right into the end zone.

RPatz has said, in various interviews, that the more he read the script for Twilight, and the book upon which it was based, the more he hated the character he was being asked to play. And then he had a revelation: Edward hated himself, too. He saw himself as a monster, torn between his love for Bella Swan, and his thirst for her blood.

But this wouldn’t have worked without Kristen Stewart (KStew)’s Bella. In the book, the explanation for Bella’s attraction toward Edward basically begins and ends with “damn, he’s hot.” In the movie, they do make mention of the fact that Edward is attractive (Jessica, Bella’s friend, says “he’s gorgeous, obviously,” in case the audience missed that fact), but that doesn’t really seem to be what attracts her to him.

KStew’s Bella is just as touched in the head as RPatz’ Edward: the more Edward tries to push her away, the more she pursues him, and the more dangerous he is revealed to be, the more attracted to him she becomes. They’re both self destructive, both rushing into a relationship that will, in all likelihood, end their lives as they know them, because it’s the only thing that makes them feel alive.

One of the best illuminations of this is in the infamous meadow scene, where Edward and Bella finally have a candid discussion about Edward’s unique condition. Edward backs Bella up against a tree, caging her in his arms; he moans that he can’t tell what she is thinking, and begs her to tell him. Bella says, simply, “I’m afraid,” and the look on Edward’s face is heartbreaking. He stumbles backward, and tries to mask his emotions, but it is clear that her words have devastated him. Even though he has been trying to convince her to stay away from him, even though he is himself convinced that he will destroy her, he never actually thought that she would reject him. But then Bella comes close, touches his face, and says, “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of losing you.”

It’s this interplay that makes the story work. The movie isn’t long enough to make true love believable, but it is long enough to make obsession understandable. Both Bella and Edward are mysteries that need to be solved, an mix of danger and romance that is irresistible to both of them. This is made most clear in the hospital scene; when Edward tells Bella that she should go to live with her mother, to get away from him, she isn’t even able to make a coherent reply. All she can do is stutter “what are you saying,” and “I don’t understand,” and “no,” over and over again, and when Edward relents, and tells her that he will never leave her, nor send her away, Bella says firmly, “you can never say that again.” This may have been the best moment of acting in the entire film; it totally conveyed the depth of Bella’s devotion to - and dependency on - Edward Cullen. As far as Bella is concerned, without him, she is nothing.

I still maintain that this is fantastically unhealthy, and I think the reason RPatz and KStew were so god in their roles was the fact that they understood that it was unhealthy. They didn’t try to find the redeeming qualities in their characters; rather, they embraced their flaws, and played them for all they were worth.

The fugue between fate and free will is also an interesting theme. Although it isn’t said outright until the very end, a lot of what happens in Twilight is driven by the fact that Alice, Edward’s clairvoyant (and awesome) adopted sister, foresees that Bella will one day be a vampire. Edward clings desperately to the hope that his sister is wrong, that he will be strong enough to be with Bella and leave her human. Bella, on the other hand, fervently hopes that Alice is right, that she will one day be with Edward forever. Edward sees Alice’s vision as a curse, and is fighting to change it, while Bella sees it as a promise, an clings to it hopefully.

I was disappointed.

Not by the movie, which I thought was a reasonably faithful translation of the source novel, which is also to say it was a trashy teen vampire romance that I have no business liking and can’t get enough of. No, I was disappointed by the fangirls.

For weeks, I’ve been reading about people from whom Twilight may as well be Holy Writ, people lining up days in advance to get thirty seconds of the actors’ time, people who literally scratch their necks so that they are bleeding^* when they get to Robert Pattinson,the poor fool duped into playing Edward, the sparkly, no-fang-having, vegetarian vampire.^**

So I was sort of hoping for a train wreck. Instead, I got a reasonably well-behaved crowd, and a reasonably well-crafted movie.

Let me share a little secret, folks. It’s a lot harder to be funny when I’m not angry. But I’m sure going to try. Here we go: the Twilight recap:

Fangirls: Excited twitter.

The Screen: Twilight Logo!

Fangirls: Squee!

Thomas: Hopes someone passes out from sparklepire glee.

A friend asked me what I thought about tween- and teen- aged girls reading Twilight yesterday, and I’ve been mulling that over ever since. Now, I’m neither a parent nor a teacher (or a teenage girl, for that matter), but not knowing what I’m talking about has never stopped me from pontificating before, so here are my official thoughts on the moral ramifications of Twilight.

Spoilers abound hereafter, so if you haven’t read the books and want to be surprised, this isn’t a good article for you.

One of the reasons Twilight is so popular with the adult set is that it is rather clean. The language is tame; I don’t think a character even says “oh my God,” which is a reflection of Stephanie Myer’s faith. The suspense isn’t particularly terrifying, and the violence, while present, isn’t particular gruesome, except for one scene in the fourth book, where Bella (the heroine), pregnant with Edward’s (the hero and vampire) child, has to have an emergence C-Section, and Edward, due to the special nature of the birth, has to use his teeth to cut through her womb. This whole scene is just… yeah. The way that the book deals with sex is also rather chaste. Bella and Edward do not consummate their relationship until after they have been properly married, despite Bella’s protests.

So, when someone says that there’s nothing bad in Twilight, they’re right… sort of. While there is nothing explicit in the material, the subtext is, frankly, horrifying.

Edward is the ultimate Byronic hero: self loathing and self destructive, but beautiful, poetic, and romantic. He is the epitome of Troubled but Cute and the Rebel with a Heart of Gold.

His actions over the course of the first story are honestly frightening. In my favorite example, he actually breaks into Bella’s room to watch her sleep - without her knowledge, and before they are even in a relationship. He is controlling, manipulative, and dismissive towards Bella. He wavers back and forth between being openly hostile towards her, ignoring her, and professing his undying love for her.

And as I keep repeating, these things are not romantic, they are warning signs. I’ve known a lot of guys like Edward in real life, and these situations never end well.

The thing is, Twilight is a fantasy. We know that Edward is the good guy, we know that he and Bella are supposed to end up together. We know that he will never hurt her, and we know that they will end up happily ever after.

The problem occurs when this fantasy meets up with reality. In reality, when a guy is a jerk to you one moment, and professing his undying love the next, it isn’t because he’s trying to protect you from his own dark nature, it’s because he’s a jerk. In reality, when a guy is manipulative and controlling, it isn’t because he is trying to save you from an immortal blood-drinker who has sworn your destruction, it’s because he thinks of you as his property. In reality, when a guy breaks into your home to watch you sleep, it’s because he’s not right in the head. In reality, when a young girl throws herself physically at the Troubled Loner, he is not going to gently rebuff her offer in an attempt to maintain her virtue.

So, I think Twilight has the potential to set young girls up for disappointment, and possibly even trouble. So, should you let your young girls read them?

Well, here’s the thing.

Our Senior Pastor gave a talk on alcohol the other morning, and one of the things he referred to was prohibition. The US Government spent millions of dollars and countless man-hours trying to fight something that the people were going to do anyway. Furthermore, labeling something “forbidden” only serves to make it more appealing; if you tell your girls that they can’t read Twilight, it’s going to make them want to read it even more.

And while the thought of girls sneaking out behind the school to read a trashy paranormal romance kind of makes me giggle, I also think it’s sort of unnecessary. I’m not a real advocate of shielding people from the truth. Sooner or later, they are going to be exposed to something that you don’t like and that you can’t control. I think Twilight falls into that category. It isn’t so destructive that you need to seek out every copy and burn it, but it does have the potential to be destructive enough that you need to be able to discuss it intelligently.

So that’s my advice. If your girl wants to read Twilight, let her… but read it yourself, too, and be prepared to discuss the difference between fantasy and reality.

You may have heard of Twilight, the trashy emo-teen vampire romance novels written by Stephenie Meyer (hillariously lampooned here, here, here, and here). These books fall solidly in the “guilty pleasure” category. I honestly shouldn’t like them. Edward, the protagonist’s sparkly vampire love interest, is a controlling, manipulative jerk, Bella, said protagonist, is basically the anti-feminist, and the plot, such that it is, practically bleeds Author Wish Fulfillment. And Mormonism. These books are pretty much designed to hold no appeal to me.

And I can’t get enough of them.

I didn’t go so far as to attend the Barnes & Noble Midnight Sale when the fourth book, Breaking Dawn went on sale - that would have been awkward: a room full of fourteen year old girls, their equally obsessed mothers, and me, a two-hundred-twenty pound powerlifter with a shaved head - but I did pick it up the next day. It was Twilight that got me through the Epic Failure that was Baltimore.

They also ensured that Stephanie Meyer will never have to work another day in her life, and convinced me that I need to write my own trashy emo-teen vampire romance novel. All you need is a handful of stock characters, a whisper of plot, and a thesaurus with lots of entries under “beautiful,” and the money just rolls in.

Anyway, Twilight the novel has become Twilight the movie, opening November 21st.

Allow me to introduce you to Alice Cullen. No, not the Scottish Politician (seriously), but the Physic Vampire. (Seriously).

Ignore the giant elbow. He, er, it’s irrelevant to the discussion. Although I do want to know what he does to make his forearms that big. Anyway, Alice is Edward’s adoptive sister, a yellow Porsche stealing, lavish party throwing, extensive wardrobe having, stock market playing, day saving, ballet dancing, humorously literal vampire that can also fight Edward, one of the greatest tacticians playing the game, to a standstill because she can see the freaking future, including that punch you were going to throw at her, you silly little boy. She’s fast enough to outrun a car, and strong enough to pick the thing up when she catches it, and if she likes you, she can make you immortal. Also, great hair, and a cute nose. I think Veronica Mars just got some competition.

Detective Skills

Veronica uses her observant nature and finely-honed deductive skills, plus a large dash of personal manipulation, to ferret out the bad guy, time after time.

Alice sees the bad guy commit the crime before it happens, and can be waiting there for them to show up.

Advantage: Alice.

Fluent in Sarcasm

Veronica basically defined this trope.

Alice isn’t particularly sarcastic; her humor stems more from being intensely literal in everything she says. For example, this little bit of banter:

Alice: Why don’t we play Rock, Paper, Scissors? Edward: (Sighs) Why don’t you just tell me who wins? Alice: I do. Excellent. So…

Advantage: I find both adorable. This one is a tie.

Distressed Damsel That Saves the Day

As I’ve said before, Veronica splits her time just about equally between saving the day and being saved, making her a feminist icon, but still allowing for moments of male heroism.

Alice is, well, not going to need your help any time soon. She’s just this side of indestructible, and even if you’re one of the, say, five things on the bloody planet that can kill her, she’ll still know you’re coming, and either not be there, or be very ready for you.

Advantage: Veronica.

I Can Turn You Into A Superhero

Veronica can help you study for your Private Investigator’s license.

Alice can turn you into an immortal, indestructible killing machine with inhuman beauty and grace, Eidetic memory, and no need to sleep, ever. Also, she’ll help you dress yourself.

Advantage: Alice.

This one is going to be close, friends. Truly a battle for our generation.

Oh, and just because: