The American

George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

George Clooney: Arrives.

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.