The Black Tapes S01E05 - The Devil You Know

Alex: I’ve got to admit, this podcast, which is like radio for the internet, is going a lot better than I expected! I can deal with shadowy figures lurking in the background of school photos an creepy sound clips and and prom queens with razor blades and upside down faces! I was just worried that I’d have to deal with demons or something! I hate demons! Can’t even watch The Exorcist without peeing my pants! So Richard, what Black Tape did you bring us this week?

Richard Strand: …it’s a video tape of an exorcism of a little girl.

Alex: I should have seen this coming.

Father James Kelly: What you need to understand is that there are evil entities all around us, entities that seek to attach themselves to the weak and even take possession of the innocent. When these entities claim an individual, it leads to all manner of foul behavior, and jeopardizes the victim’s very soul. It is possible to win one’s freedom from these vile creatures, but it often requires the help of an individual trained in advanced spiritual warfare. Unfortunately, the rise of paganism has led to a sharp increase in the number of these possessions, and the general acceptance of psychology and psychiatry have led people to misdiagnose spiritual oppression as mere mental illness.

Alex: Are you a scientologist?

Dr. Brad Gilbert: There has been no rise in the number of demonic possessions because there is no such thing as demonic possession. These poor souls are simply suffering from mental illness, and in many cases could be treated with counseling or medicine, if the Church and the media hadn’t convinced them that the devil was after their illusory soul.

Richard Strand: Can I interest you in a complementary lifetime membership to the Strand Institute? We have a newsletter.

Alex: Father, does the church do any kind of follow-up with people who undergo an exorcism? For instance, people in the medical field will keep statistics on how many patients relapse within a year.

Dr. Brad Gilbert: Statistics are a lie invented by the devil, and math is something people use to cover up their lack of faith.

Alex: So that’s a no?

Dr. Brad Gilbert: Would it make you feel better if I put you in contact with the psychologists we use to screen candidates for exorcism, before they are allowed to undergo the ritual?

Alex: That’s fantastic! You can give me access to a licensed psychologist who will vouch for the legitimacy of exorcism?

Dr. Brad Gilbert: No, no I cannot. But it sure would be neat if I could, wouldn’t it?

Alex: I understand you were possessed, and that an exorcism cured you?

Derek: Yeah, totally! Before the exorcism I was sad and angry all the time, and filled with unclean thoughts and desires! But after the exorcism, I was sad and angry all the time, and filled with unclean thoughts and desires, but I knew that it was the work of the Devil and not a result of the complex hormonal environment and emotional changes present in a boy who leaves his family for the first time to go off to college!

Alex: And I understand you were given a prescription for Zoloft?

Derek: Yes, and once I had my priest bless the tablets, everything got better!

[PNWS Boom]

Nic Silver: Okay, here’s the next exorcism video…

Wild Eyed Frothing Woman: WHORES AND FILTH AND SHIT AND PISS AND FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Alex: Is she possessed or just a Steelers fan?

Richard Strand: Do you think by calling this podcast The Black Tapes you’re leading your audience toward the supernatural, and away from a scientific explanation for these events?

Alex: Well, the working title for this show was The Devil is Real and I Have Seen His Face: An Exploration of the Lies of Richard Strand, so I feel like The Black Tapes is a nice compromise.

Alex: All right, let’s dig into our latest Black Tape!

Richard Strand: All right, this video concerns Jessica Weldon, twelve years old. As you can see, she is being restrained by four large men, each of whom is struggling mightily to overcome her tiny, furious power. In the back, a Catholic priest is performing a traditional Latin exorcism. There’s some shrieking, accusations of maternal fellatio in the infernal depths, a rotating head, the usual.

Alex: Okay, so this must have been CGI, right? Some kind of special effects?

Richard Strand: What? Oh, no, I was actually in the room filming all of this. There was no CGI, and I’ve had this tape in my possession ever since, so there’s no way anybody’s tampered with it. But none of that is why this is an unexplained Black Tape. You see, this priest has a slight but visible tan line around the third finger of his left hand, indicating that he has word a wedding band for some time … but the Catholic Church forbids their priests from marrying.

Alex: Really? That’s the part that freaks you out? Not the little girl levitating a full foot off the bed while crying out the secret sins of the men trying to free her soul from the Black Prince of Hell?

Richard Strand: Eh, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for that. But that priest … he’s up to something sinister, I’m certain of it.

Alex’ Voicemail: Message 103 of 147: I have undeniable proof that Richard Strand murdered Coralee and is in league with the Devil, bent on turning men away from the One True Faith and unleashing an apocalypse upon the world!

Nic Silver: Yeah, so this guy does not sound like all his horses are in the barn.

Alex: The next twelve voicemails are just a recipe for guacamole and his reviews of the final season of The Wire, which he believes the CIA is using to send him coded messages.

Nic Silver: You’re going to meet him, aren’t you?

Alex: We’ve already scheduled a coffee date.

Alex: I understand you have proof that Dr. Strand is guilty of Coralee’s murder?

Braden Court: I do! You see, the Devil prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour! And the fool says in his heart that there is no god! What more proof do you need?

Alex: Maybe anything actually related to the case at hand?

Braden Court: Coralee and I were loveres, engaged to be wed until Strand worked his vile atheist magic upon her, stealing her away from my tender embrace!

Alex: Hey, look at the time, I need to be not here anymore!

Braden Court: And I shall strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!

Alex: Okay, not you’re just quoting Tarantino.

Braden Court: And you shall know my name is the LORD, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

Alex: By the way, how did you get that creepy message onto my phone?

Braden Court: The CIA is sending you secret messages too?!?

Richard Strand: No, it’s totally true, Coralee and Braden Court were engaged, if by “engaged” you mean “she got drunk one night in college and fucked this guy who looked kind of harmless and lonely but turned out to be a fundamentalist wackjob who stalked her for the next six months until she finally had to get a restraining order to keep him from showing up at her door with bouquets of roses, a wedding ring, and a butcher knife he lovingly referred to as the ‘attitude adjuster.’”

Alex: So I’ve been thinking about that video of the exorcism, and I think we should do some investigation into the fact that a twelve year old girl displayed the strength to overpower four burly men, and the fact that she was apparently calmed by a Latin-chanting priest, who then proclaimed victory over the “Grigori,” whatever that is.

Richard Strand: I’m sure it was a carefully rehearsed production, her inhuman cries emerging from concealed speakers, and her apparent supernatural powers provided by a hidden hydraulic system, which is why I was ushered out of the room so soon after the “ritual” was completed, but if you want to waste everybody’s time, sure.

Alex: We tracked down the priest from the Black Tape, Father Peter Vincent, to an elderly care facility not far outside of Seattle. He agreed to speak with us, on condition that literally anyone show him the slightest bit of attention, love, or even basic recognition of his humanity.

Father Peter Vincent: The Grigori is everywhere, and he is watching. Jessica Weldon was the first, but I have met him in battle many times, contended for the fate of many souls. He hates us, and seeks to punish us for our humanity, and he is watching you, Alex Reagan. He knows you are interested. He knows you are vulnerable. And if you aren’t careful –

Father John Doe: Sorry to interrupt, but I’m from the Society for the Concealment of Catholic Corruption, and we have a perfectly normal order from the Bishop to move Father Vincent out of this home and to a secret location far, far away, where nobody will ever hear from him again! You know, for his safety.

[PNWS Boom]

Alex: The Black Tapes Podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. Sign up now and enjoy a free audiobook. This week, we recommend Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead.

Nic Silver: Um, Alex? That has nothing to do with exorcisms. And it’s not an audiobook.

Alex: Oh well! Too late to rerecord now!

Alex: Here’s what he know about the disappearance of Coralee Strand. One, she disappeared from the side of the PCH, while traveling with Richard Strand. Two, immediately after filing a police report, Strand himself vanished for five days. Three, when he returned, his daughter Charlie disowned him and went to live with Coralee’s parents, who Four, are still suspicious of Strand. Five, Strand was the primary suspect for several months, before police got bored and decided to chalk this case up to a serial killer operating in the area. Six, Strand is our primary source of information for this podcast, which is like radio for the internet.

Nic Silver: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about how we’re depending on Strand for so much of our information, and I don’t know that–

Alex; Anyway, it turns out that our parent show, Pacific Northwest Stories, actually aired a voice recording of Coralee Strand, during a segment on found audio about love. Let’s play that recording for you now:

Coralee Strand: Did you guys know that when you move a beehive, you have to move it less than three feet, or you have to move it more than three miles, wait for the drones to die off, and then relocate it to its new permanent location? I sometimes wonder if marriage is like a beehive: sometimes you just need to fake your own death and disappear for several years until the memories of your love are long gone, allowing you to eventually reappear and rekindle those emotions you are no longer certain are real! Hey Warren! Ready to vanish?

[PNWS Boom]

Alex: The Black Tapes Podcast is a production of Pacific Northwest Stories, in association with the National Radio Alliance and Minnow Beats Whale. Join us next time, when we journey to a haunted insane asylum and meet with a young man who apparently murdered his parents with his brain. I’m Alex Regan, and we’ll be back in two weeks.