The Black Tapes S01E07 - Cabin Fever

Alex Reagan: The Black Tapes is brought to you by Rocket Sound, who provide cutting-edge sound services for modern media. Do you need to record a plausible-sounding structural acoustician using complex techno-babble to explain the haunting melodies at the end of creation? Do you need to fabricate the shattered silence of the fracturing of reality? Rocket Sound has you covered. And if you act now, fans of The Black Tapes can schedule a recording session in Rocket Sound’s state-of-the-art studios without signing over their immortal soul to the fallen minstrel of damned creation. Rocket Sound: the only limit is your tenuous grasp on reality.

Stan Collins: So yeah, Sebastian Torres vanished from his school yesterday, and the only clue was this note, drawn by a frantic hand on a wadded-up piece of paper, saying “the end is nigh but Alex Reagan and Richard Strand have revealed the name of the one who must be sacrificed to the Abominable One and I shall do his bidding.”

Alex Reagan: I’m sorry, I just don’t see how that implicates us.

Richard Strand: While I understand how you might think this note is relevant, what you fail to understand is the Law of Large Numbers, which states that in any sufficiently large sample set, the likelihood of an improbable event is actually quite high. So while it may seem odd that the names “Alex Reagan” and “Richard Strand” are linked to the disappearance of a boy we both interviewed in person less than a month ago, when you consider the populations of the greater Los Gatos and Seattle areas, and the fact that both Alex and Richard are common given names, the well-known fascination many conspiracy theorists have with Ronald Reagan, and the fact that the name “Strand” could also suggest a through-line of plot, it becomes quite apparent that we are, in fact, completely unrelated to the case at hand.

Stan Collins: I don’t know what the hell you just said, so I’m going to beat you with my nightstick until I’m happy again, m’kay?

Tannis Braun: Hi Richard! Fancy us meeting here! You, the disgraced former scientist and accused murderer, guilty of directing a madman’s interest toward an innocent young boy, and me, famed psychic and proven master of the mystical forces latent in the human mind, brought in to save this poor innocent from your reckless endangerment!

Richard Strand: I’m going to need to borrow that night stick …

Alex Reagan: That was Tannis Braun, a self-proclaimed clairvoyant who has helped the police locate a number of missing persons and solve a number of previously uncrackable murders. Tannis was featured on a previous episode of Pacific Northwest Stories, in an episode entitled Quick We’re Behind Schedule Just Put Something Out There So We Don’t Lose All Our Advertisers.

In this experiment, Tannis was strapped to a lie detector and asked to psychically predict the result of a color wheel in the next room.

Researcher: Okay, I’ve signaled to my assistant to spin the wheel. What do you see?

Tannis Braun: I see that the wheel has landed on Yellow.

Researcher: Excellent. Okay, I’ll have her spin it again, and–

Tannis Brain: I also see that your assistant is a woman in her early thirties, wearing a black pencil skirt, blue blouse, and white lab coat, with a fetching pair of horned-rimmed glasses and a few strands of hair carelessly free from her ponytail. The wheel is approximately six inches in diameter and fashioned crudely, I believe from a leftover pizza box and marker. Their potion of the experiment is being filmed by a young man of Indian descent, a student at CalTech, using a Panasonic handheld video recorder and a 6 gigabyte DS card. He is wearing–

Researcher: Um, can we continue the experiment please?

Tannis Braun: Oh, sure. The color wheel will come up red the next time she spins it.

Researcher: And do you think you can move the wheel with your mind?

Tannis Braun: Of course! clickclicklick

Alex Reagan: You’ve got to admit, that was pretty convincing.

Richard Strand: It was indeed an impressive performance. However, I did detect a few subtle problems with the experiment’s design. First, the sample size of possible outcomes and guesses was too low to effectively establish a probability curve. Second, the experiment was conducted at the Tannis Braun Institute for Defrauding the Gullible. Third, the principle investigator was Tannis’ cousin Larry, and the assistant was Tannis’ lover, a girl he seduced using hypnotism in a stage performance. Third, Tannis is wearing a very visible earpiece, and you can see the videographer whispering the results of the experiment into a microphone. Finally, when Tannis “moves the wheel with his mind,” the research assistant bumps the table with her hip twice, causing the wheel to skip.

Alex Reagan: Okay, but aside from those minor issues, it was pretty incredible, wasn’t it?

Richard Strand: How do you even dress yourself in the morning?

Alex Reagan: Okay, so how do you explain Tannis’ ability to find missing persons and solve unclosed cases?

Richard Strand: I don’t know, he uses Google or something?

Alex Reagan: Hi Tannis! What can you tell me about your so-called psychic gifts?

Tannis Braun: Thanks for asking Alex! First you need to understand that everything I do is rigorously tested and scientifically validated! For example, I have developed a foolproof method for transferring celebrities’ money into my own bank account unlocking the mind’s hidden potential for total recall and creative generation, using a patented method available only at the Braun Center for Brainy Science and Stuff!

Alex Reagan: What about your ability to see and manipulate events from afar?

Tannis Braun: A simple technique called bilocation, which allows me to be in one place while seeing and manipulating events in another place, using nothing more than a video camera and a well-paid assistant!

Alex Reagan: And what about your ability to find missing persons? For example, you seem to be leading me out into the dark and isolated forest, and I really hope that’s because you have some sort of psychic signal leading you towards Sebastian Torres and not because you intend to murder me and leave my corpse as an offering to the Spirits of the Wild!

Tannis Braun: Missing persons? I used the “where’s my phone” feature on Sebastian’s iThingy, and it told me he’s about two miles that way. You’d be amazed how often the police don’t bother checking that.

Alex Reagan: Hey, it occurs to me that Tannis Braun and Simon Reese seem to have similar abilities!

Richard Strand: I agree!

Alex Reagan: Really? I’m kind of shocked to hear you say that. I fully expected you to–

Richard Strand: Both of them have an easy charm, a keen instinct for psychological manipulation, and an utter lack of shame or remorse, which allows them to reel in hapless dupes and convince them of some fabricated supernatural power.

Alex Reagan: There it is.

Richard Strand: Hey, not for nothing, but hanging out with Tannis Braun was totally boring, wasn’t it? Like, you’d never want to be his boyfriend or anything, right? Not that I’m interested in you like that. At all. Nope, not me. Hey, is your phone ringing?

Alex Reagan: It was ringing, and when I answered, Chief Collins offered me some shocking news:

Stan Collins: Hey Ms. Reagan, just wanted to let you know that we found Sebastian Torres, alone, mute, and staring blankly at a wall in a cabin in the woods, with no memory of the past three days, no apparent physical harm, and no clues as to who abducted him. So I guess you’re kinda off the hook, but please tell Dr. Strand he’s an asshole anyway, m’kay?

Alex Reagan: After the detectives, forensic investigators, and other quote-qualified-unquote scientists finished inspecting the cabin, Tannis Braun received permission to investigate the location himself, using a dowsing rod, magic 8-ball, and a pack of Tarot cards:

Tannis Braun: Interesting. This drawing on the wall is familiar … I’m getting something … a name …

Alex Reagan: Simon?

Tannis Braun: Yes, Simon!

Alex Reagan: Simon Reese?

Tannis Braun: Yes, that’s what the Spirits are telling me, Simon Reese! Someone named Simon Reese is connected to this drawing! Perhaps this Simon was also kidnapped–

Alex Reagan: –Put in a mental institution–

Tannis Braun: Put in a mental institution! This Simon Reese was put in a mental institution, because his parents saw him drawing this image–

Alex Reagan: –His parents were murdered–

Tannis Braun: Because his parents were murdered! And this killer drew this image–

Alex Reagan: –Simon Reese was the killer–

Tannis Braun: Because Simon Reese was the killer! Yes, that’s what the spirits are telling me! Simon Reese, who murdered his own parents, is known to draw this very same image!

Alex Reagan: Holy shit Tannis, that’s amazing!

Tannis Braun: Oh, and also there’s a soul-shredding demon using this cabin as a portal and planning to unleash a world-ending apocalypse, so I’ve got to be going. Bye bye!

Richard Strand: Oh yeah, I’ve seen those symbols before. Long story short, it’s a mathematical equation designed to unravel the truths of creation, the name of an arch-demon encoded in a long-dead pictographic alphabet, and a sigil designed to open a portal to the nine netherhells of doom, all woven into a complex tapestry designed to allow the Scion of the Most Unclean to step across the Barrier of Truth and sing the song that ends the world. There’s just one thing missing: this symbology is meant as a refutation of the Christian gospel, and I would expect these symbols to be etched into some sort of holy place, thus desecrating it.

Alex Reagan: What if I told you that the sunlight streaming through that window makes a very clear cross on the East wall?

Richard Strand: Yep, that would do it.

Alex Reagan: Hi, Simon? Thanks for taking my call. Hey, I was just involved in a kidnapping-slash-satanic-ritual, and I was wondering if you could offer any insight into the strange drawings that seemingly allow you to leave your body in order to perform the infernal work of the First of the Damned?

Simon Reese: Ah, so you want to see him, too. You see, there are the worshippers and the worshipped, the places of devotion and the places of desecration. The light has shone on the darkness, yet he darkness refused to flee. All shall behold him, and all shall be ruined. The veil is parted, the door is opened, the way is prepared, the sacrifice is made, and he is coming, he is coming, he is coming!

Alex Reagan: Simon? Are you watching a porno?

Charlie Strand: Hi, is this Alex Reagan? Go fuck yourself. click

Alex Reagan: Hi, Robert Torres? I’d like to talk to you about your son’s kidnaping, confinement, rescue, and possible demonic possession.

Robert Torres: Hi Alex. Go fuck yourself.

Alex Reagan: Hi, Maria Rodriguez? I’d like to–

Maria Rodriguez: Go fuck yourself.

Alex Reagan: Hi, Chief Collins? This is Alex–

Stan Collins: Go fuck yourself.

Nic Silver: Well, this investigation went well! How about next week we focus on something that isn’t obstruction of justice and a lawsuit that will leave us even more destitute than you’d expect a bunch of Seattle hipsters trying to make money online to be!

Alex Reagan: The Black Tapes is a production of the National Radio Alliance and Minnow Beats Whale. Join us next time, when we leave demonic geometry and child endangerment behind to explore the light and breezy topic of scrying boards designed to shred the last vestiges of your sanity, giving your mind over fully to the foul demon Pazuzu … seriously? What the fuck, Richard? You know I hate this demon shit!