Black Tape S02E06 - All in the Family

Nic Silver: Okay, so there are few possibilities. One, Keith Dabic is a confused, scared, mentally unstable boy who has created an elaborate conspiracy around an urban legend that we just happened to feature on our show. Two, Keith is being held prisoner in an evil Russian monastery, captive to a dark and secretive group of demon worshiping monks who plan to use evil music to usher in the end of days, and are sending us cryptic emails in order to lure us onto their turf so they can murder us as tribute to their fell lord.

Alex Reagan: Holy shit Nic, you’re right!

Nic Silver: Good, I’m glad you can see how silly …

Alex Reagan: So I’m going to need a plane ticket to Bulgaria, a black catsuit, a climbing rope and grappling hook, a translator with special forces training, and a fake passport.

Nic Silver: [sigh] I’ll go set up a Patreon.

Alex Reagan: Thanks for talking with me, Cheryl. Can you tell me what happened in the Black Tape bearing your name? The one that revealed Richard Strand is a lying liar who lies?

Cheryl: Sure thing Alex! So basically I saw exactly what everyone else on your show has seen or heard or smelled, and those details are totally from my memory and not because I’ve been listening to your show. Also, Richard is my brother, our father was abusive, and you should ask Richard about the boy by the river.

Alex Reagan: Who’s the boy by the river?

Cheryl: I can’t tell you, but it sure is cryptic!

[PNWS’ new echoing boom]

Alex Reagan: Your house looks great Richard! I love the lack of cobwebs and how the walls aren’t bleeding anymore! Also, I found out you have a sister and I’d like to tell our audience about your paranoid delusions of being stalked by a shadowy group seeking items collected by your father that could help them summon the Dark Lord Malchzar, known to the Sumerians as “The Blood-Drenched Guitar Player from the Eighth Hell.”

Strand: Fuck. You.

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Alex Reagan: Working on The Black Tapes, it sometimes fells like we’re pulling at a thread, a thread that is just one small part of a giant tapestry that we’re too small and too close to fully comprehend. And it feel like if we pull too hard, that thread is going to run, and that tapestry is going to unravel, ripping apart all that we hold true and hold dear from the very seams, leaving us with nothing but a pile of tattered rags and faded memories.

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Alex Reagan: Hey Nic, can you help me edit this recording I made of Strand under false pretenses using a hidden microphone?

Nic Silver: Okay, so I’m hoping I can say this without you overturning my desk and beating me about the head and shoulders with my free Stamps.com scales again, but I think your insomnia and worsening demonic possession might still be affecting your judgment.

CoraleeBot XP: Dear Richard, the evil cult of evil knows that you’re getting close. Mostly because your broadcasting your every move on something called a podcast, which I guess is like radio for the Internet? Anyway, you should lay low for a while. Hugs and kisses, Coralee Stand, your wife, gone these twenty years, resurfacing now to save the world from a horrifying cabal of demonic musicians.

Alex Reagan: … I don’t get it.

Alex Reagan: After what he referee to as my “unforgivable and bitter betrayal,” Strand refused to answer my phone calls. So of course I tricked his assistant Ruby into revealing his itinerary and followed strand on the next leg of his investigation… and back to the hotel where he and Coralee honeymooned.

The geometry of the hotel was… wrong. The hallway was long, too long, impossibly long, as if it was constructed by a madman obsessed with making hallways that stretch the limits of human reason. It made perfect sense that Richard Strand had honeymooned in this Euclid nightmare.

Strand: Seriously? You again?

Alex Reagan: You wouldn’t return my messages.

Strand: That’s what we in the scientific community refer to as a “hint.”

Alex Reagan: So since we’re here, would you like to divulge any more personal information that I can secretly record and play for our audience?

Strand: No, I just want to photograph this secret message my wife encoded on the back of this horrific painting, then sleep in the bed in which I first made love to my wife.

Alex Reagan: So… should we get separate rooms, or do you want to spin up the Stralex shippers?

Strand: [sigh] I’ll get the handcuffs.

Strand: Someone broke into my car and stole all of my luggage! All of my research, all of my notes, everything that could help us unravel this mystery and find my wife, is gone.

Alex Reagan: And they took my iPod! I had like twenty songs on that thing! But I also have the unsound on a loop, so at least they’ll be dead soon.

Simon: Hi Alex! It’s Simon, calling from the psych ward and also your bedroom. I wanted to explain why I murdered my parents. You see, there are mechanisms and machines, plans at work and things in motion.

Alex Reagan: Was that supposed to be an explanation, or …

Simon: The gears of all creation churn, pulling us along but also threatening to crush us, the engine of the world growling out a single, unbearable note.

Alex Reagan: And …

Simon: The music of eternity will drive you mad, the sounds and unsounds will rip the sanity from your mind and leave you a hollow shell.

Alex Reagan: Simon, I have no idea what any of this means!

Simon: Oh for God’s sake, my parents were devil worshipers who sold my soul to the Dark One, giving me incredible psychic powers but also a giant heaping pile of emotional issues, and I murdered them with brain so that they couldn’t destroy the world. Also, Amalia is totally possessed.

Alex Reagan: Simon, just speak plainly!

Amalia: Hallo Alexandra! Has been long time speaking to you! Have been doing the sexy sex with Nic in this charming cabin that is bigger on inside than outside, and occasionally moves from place to place. Also, was quite awkward when he appeared covered in blood, weeping and unable to speak, but as they say in Russia, when broken man presents himself, is time for molesting. This is sounding more poetic in native Russian tongue.

Alex Reagan: That’s … nice, but I was actually wondering if you spent your time in Russia with an ancient group of hell bound choir masters, plotting the death if scores of innocents, my murder, and the end of all things?

Amalia: Alexandra, do not be so condescending. If I was plotting your murder, I would have killed you in your sleep, while I stood over you chanting unholy incantations forbidden to man and rejected by God!

Alex Reagan: Okay, great, glad we cleared that up! Hey, did you get a chance to play that song I sent you? The file is called “dont play me oh god oh god everyone who listens to this dies within a year.mp3”

Amalia: Have been meaning to speak to you about that, actually…

Alex Reagan: It’s The Black Tapes. Join us next week, when I install cameras from Ring.com in Nic and Amalia’s bedroom, and all of Strand’s offices. I’m Alex Regan, and we’ll be back in two weeks.