The Expendables

Pirate Captain: Give us three million dollars, or we will murder all the hostages to death!

Sylvester Stallone: Ok, here you go.

Pirate Captain: No! Now we want five million!

Sylvester Stallone: Eyeroll. Sure, here you… oh, wait, I left my spare two million dollars in my other pants. Sorry.

Dolph Lundgren: Warning shot!

Pirate Captain: Disappears from the waist up.

Sylvester Stallone: Warning shot? Really?

Dolph Lundgren: What? I warned the rest of them that I’m a mentally unstable Swedish giant with an enormous hand bazooka.

Sylvester Stallone: …well that’s fair, I guess. Hey, is it time for the night-vision gun fight yet?

The Night Vision Gunfight: Happens.

The Pirates: Die.

Jason Statham: Hey babe! I’m back from killing the pirates!

That Girl From Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Whatever! I’ve got a new man now! He beats me!

Jason Statham: Glower.

Sylvester Stallone: Hey, I haven’t had my shirt off yet, so why don’t you finish up my back tat?

Mickey Rourke: Sounds like a plan. Also, I’ve got a few jobs that need doing. Would you like to take a boy scout troop camping, help an old lady cross the street, or take on an entire nation’s army, plus the CIA, all by yourselves?

Sylvester Stallone: What are the odds on that last one?

Mickey Rourke: About 500 to 1.

Sylvester Stallone: We’ll take it.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger : Share the screen for first time ever.

The Men in the Audience: Massive man-boners.

The Women in the Audience: Massive girl-boners.

A Flimsy Excuse for Violence: Is offered.

Arnold Schwarzenegger : Is busy governing California.

Sylvester Stallone: Takes the job.

Vilena: Population: 2,000

General That Guy from Dexter: What are we doing here?

Eric Roberts: Murdering a few of innocent family men, so the audience knows we’re the bad guys.

A Few of Innocent Family Men: Die.

The Audience: Now understands the plot.

Vilena: Population: 2,000 1,997

Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham: Sneak into the country.

Customs Guard: What brings you to our beautiful dictatorship?

Jason Statham: We’re wildlife photographers.

Customs Guard: And what is the giant bomber aircraft for?

Sylvester Stallone: Transporting wounded animals.

Customs Guard: And the fifteen million rounds of ammunition?

Jason Statham: …in case the wounded animals try to bite.

Customs Guard: Buys this.

Steve Austin: There’s a broken down car in the way! Quick! Trash the shops, burn the villager’s homes, and shove the car into the rubble!

Vilena’s Thug Army: Really? Is that entirely necessary? I mean, the street is like ten cars wide. We could just drive around them.

Steve Austin: Glower.

Vilena’s Thug Army: All right, all right. Lay waste to the market district.

Eric Roberts’s Caravan: Trundles merrily on its way.

Sylvester Stallone: What’s wrong with this picture?

Jason Statham: You mean how Steve Austin is even bigger now than when he was a roided up professional wrestler? Or how he doesn’t seem to own a neck anymore? Or how his forearms are even bigger than yours, even though I live in constant fear that the veins on your arms are going to come alive and strangle me in my sleep?

Sylvester Stallone: No, I meant the guy who is obviously a rogue CIA operative.

Jason Statham: Oh, him. Right.

Jason Statham: So where’s our contact?

The Hot Girl: Walks in, backlit like an angel, and pouts her lips a bit.

Sylvester Stallone: Is contractually obligated to turn down the job, have a crisis of conscience, and rush in to save her in the last act.

Sylvester Stallone: So, do you have any family?

The Hot Girl: No. My mother is dead. My father is… also gone.

The Probability That She’s the General’s Daughter: Is about 100%.

Sylvester Stallone: Say, this looks like a good place to murder a few dozen men… let’s stop here.

Vilena’s Thug Army: What did we tell you about coming here? You just wait until your father get’s home! </mother>

Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham: Murder them gloriously.

Vilena: Population: 1,997 1,950.

A High Speed Chase: Is not possible, since everyone is driving fifty year old cars maintained by Jose the Donkey Puncher.

A Moderately Paced Chase: Happens.

Jason Statham: I’ll start the plane!

Sylvester Stallone: I’ll murder the Customs guys!

The Hot Girl: I’ll stay here and facilitate the plot!

Vilena’s Thug Army: Fires helplessly at the plane.

Sylvester Stallone: Wow, that was close! Do you wanna go back and murder a few more of them?

Jason Statham: Boy do I!

Their Airplane: Is conveniently equipped with four Hellfire cannons and a Napalm spray system.

Vilena’s Only Dock, Sole Source of Commerce and Hope: Explodes.

Vilena: Population: 1,950 1,500.

Dolph Lundgren: Hey boss, got the next job lined up?

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah, about that… sorry, buddy, but we’re going to have to let you go.

Dolph Lundgren: What?!? Is it my tendency to murder everything in front of me, friend, foe, or figment of my imagination, with my giant hand bazooka?

Sylvester Stallone: No…

Dolph Lundgren: Is it my drug habit?

Sylvester Stallone: No, not that, either… you’re just not action-star enough.

Dolph Lundgren: What! Buy you let Cotoure on your team, and he’s just a glorified boxer! And I was in a boxing movie! You might remember it… because you were in it, and all. It was called Rocky IV, and I played the living embodiment of Soviet Goddamn Russia.

Sylvester Stallone: Oh, yeah, I remember, and you were great, really. It’s just that, well, you also played He-Man.

Dolph Lundgren: Sadface.

Jason Statham: So, about that abusive boyfriend…

That Girl From Buffy the Vampire Slayer: He’s over there, playing basketball.

Jason Statham: I’m gonna kick your ass!

The Abusive Boyfriend: Oh yeah?

The Abusive Boyfriend’s Douchebag Friends: You’re gonna have to go through us!

Jason Statham: Does.

The Abusive Boyfriend: Mommy.

That Girl From Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Is never mentioned again.

Sylvester Stallone: I’m having a crisis on conscience!

Mickey Rourke: I had one of those once. I solved it with alcohol. But I hear rescuing cute girls works, too.

Sylvester Stallone: Done!

Dolph Lundgren: I’m here for revenge!

Jet Li: Kung Fu powers activate!

Dolph Lundgren: Please. That crap only works in the movies.

Jet Li: …

Dolph Lundgren: Other movies.

Sylvester Stallone: Bang.

Dolph Lundgren: Dies.

Sylvester Stallone: Okay, the plan is simple. One, rig the entire goddamn country to explode. Two, rescue the girl. Three, murder everyone else on the island. Four, make everything go kaboom. So, how much C4 are you guys carrying?

Jason Statham: About a hundred pounds.

Jet Li: Twenty five pounds. What? I’m small.

Jason Statham: That’s what she said.

The Improbably Muscular Black Man: Snicker.

Randy Couture: I’ve got another hundred pounds myself.

The Improbably Muscular Black Man: I’m carrying seven thousand pounds of C4, two million rounds of belt fed ammunition, six hundred rounds of fully-automatic, explosive shotgun ammunition, and my razor blade. Oh, and I’ve got a family of ninja in my back pocket.

Sylvester Stallone: All right, let’s take out some guards!

The Expendables: Do so. Silently. And violently.

Vilena: Population: 1,500 1,000.

Sylvester Stallone: Hot Girl! I’m here to rescue you!

Steve Austin: I’m hear to kick your ass!

The Expendables: We’re here to stop you!

Vilena’s Thug Army: We’re here to stop you!

The Expendables: Are pinned down.

The Improbably Muscular Black Man: Hey, wanna see what my fully automatic shotgun does in an enclosed space?

The Improbably Muscular Black Man’s Improbably Large Shotgun: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Vilena’s Thug Army: SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!

Vilena: Population: 1,000 900.

The Expendables: We’re still kinda pinned down boss. You might wanna hit the boomswitch now.

Sylvester Stallone: But I can’t! Not until Hot Girl is safe!

The Expendables: Oh, hey, look, there she goes. Boomtime now please.

Sylvester Stallone: Click.

The Presidential Palace (And Another Fifty Square Miles or So): Boom.

Vilena: Population: 900 700.

Jason Statham: Knife knife knife knife knife, gun gun, knife knife knife knife knife, gun knife.

Jet Li: Kick kick kick kick kick kick kick, grenade, gun, kick kick kick kick kick, gun, grenade.

The Improbably Muscular Black Man: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Sylvester Stallone: Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang, clip, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang, clip, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang, clip, bang bang bang!

Vilena: Population: 700 350.

Steve Austin: You MMA fighters aren’t that tough!

Randy Couture: Tackles him, smashes him into the ground, lights him on fire, and Superman punches him into fiery unconsciousness.

Shao Kahn: Fatality!

Vilena: Population: 350 349.

Sylvester Stallone: We haven’t used up our pyrotechnics budget yet! Quick, blow up that thing over there!

The Improbably Muscular Black Man: Click.

Vilena Day Care and Hospice: Boom.

Vilena: Population: 349 7.

Eric Roberts: Stallone! Drop your guns or the Hot Girl gets it!

Sylvester Stallone: Okay, okay! Here’s my pistol, and my backup pistol, and my holdout pistol, and my target shooting pistol, and the pistol with the laser sight on it, and the other pistol with the laser sight on it, and my flintlock, and the muzzle loader, and the derringer, and oh wait I forgot-

Eric Roberts: Oh Jesus! Bang!

Sylvester Stallone: -as I was saying, my speed shooter! Holding down the trigger and smashing the hammer with my hand and shooting from the hip and hitting the bad guy but missing the girl because I am goddamn awesome powers activate!

Jason Statham: Sneaking up behind the bad guy and throwing a three hundred pound bowie knife through his spine and out his rib cage powers activate!

The Hot Girl: Swoon.

Vilena: Population: 7 6.

The Hot Girl: Thank you so much! How can I ever repay you?

Sylvester Stallone: Gratuitous nudity?

The Hot Girl: Well thanks for stopping by! See you in the sequel!

Sylvester Stallone: Right. Well, here’s a secret bank account, to help you with the cost of rebuilding the island we leveled.

The Expendables: Leave.

Vilena: Population: 6 1.

Sylvester Stallone: Hey, I’m glad to see you and all, but didn’t I murder you in the second act?

Dolph Lundgren: By the power of Grayskull! I’m in the sequel! </he-man>