TWILIGHT!!!

I was disappointed.

Not by the movie, which I thought was a reasonably faithful translation of the source novel, which is also to say it was a trashy teen vampire romance that I have no business liking and can’t get enough of. No, I was disappointed by the fangirls.

For weeks, I’ve been reading about people from whom Twilight may as well be Holy Writ, people lining up days in advance to get thirty seconds of the actors’ time, people who literally scratch their necks so that they are bleeding^* when they get to Robert Pattinson,the poor fool duped into playing Edward, the sparkly, no-fang-having, vegetarian vampire.^**

So I was sort of hoping for a train wreck. Instead, I got a reasonably well-behaved crowd, and a reasonably well-crafted movie.

Let me share a little secret, folks. It’s a lot harder to be funny when I’m not angry. But I’m sure going to try. Here we go: the Twilight recap:

Fangirls: Excited twitter.

The Screen: Twilight Logo!

Fangirls: Squee!

Thomas: Hopes someone passes out from sparklepire glee.

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her death.

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her mother’s new husband.

Bella Swan: Ominous voiceover about her tiny new school .

Thomas: Ominous voiceover about being out of popcorn already.

Charlie Swan: So, your mother’s shacking up with a semi-pro baseball player, huh? That’s cool, it’ll give us more time to bond!

Bella Swan: Pout.

Harry Clearwater: Hi Charlie!

Jacob Black: Hi Bella!

Team Jacob: Squee!

Team Edward: Hiss!

Thomas: Fight!

Creepy Asian Kid: Hey Bella you’re the new hot thing and everybody’s interested in you but I called dibs so you’re all mine now and I already know everything about you because yay Google and how about I take you photo and do an interview for the school newspaper?

Bella Swan: Backs away cautiously.

Bella Swan: Sucks at volleyball.

Mike Newton: Wow, your clumsiness is adorably hot.

Jessica Stanley: Haha… he’s mine. Touch him, and I’ll cut you. So, who do you have for fifth period?

Bella Swan: Backs away cautiously.

Jessica Stanley: Blah blah, that’s someone unimportant, blah blah blah, they’re also unimportant, blah blah…

A Bunch Very Pretty, Very Pale People: Walk past the window.

Fangirls: Nervous twitter.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Edward Cullen:: Slow-mo walk into frame.

Fangirls: Squee!

Alice: is adorable.

Jasper: has bug-eyes.

Emmet: is big.

Rosalie: would look better if they hadn’t cast a Mexican to play the icy blond.

Thomas: will totally fight Jasper for Alice’s affections.

All of This Movie’s Characterization: Is complete.

Bella Swan: Slow-mo wind-blown hair powers activate!

Edward Cullen: Gag!

Bella Swan: Sniffs her hair awkwardly.

Careening Van of Death: Careens toward Bella death-ily.

Bella Swan: Blank stare.

Edward Cullen: Super vampire saving the smelly girl powers activarte!

Bella Swan: Blanker stare.

Carlisle Cullen: Strikes a pose.

Fangirls: SQUEE!

Thomas: Two-timers!

Bella Swan: Howdidyoudothatiknowyouhaveasecrettellmetellmetellme

Edward Cullen: Angry stare.

Bella: Um, okay then, see you in biology.

Edward Cullen: I want to be your friend!

Bella Swan: Squee!

Edward Cullen: You have to stay away from me!

Bella Swan: Pout!

Edward Cullen: I’m obsessed with you!

Thomas: You’ve got that right. Mutter, grumble.

Bella Swan: Squee!

Bella Swan: Should be backing away cautiously.

I Love You I Hate You Run Away Come Here: Is an oft-repeated theme.

I Love You I Hate You Run Away Come Here: Really, really repeated.

Bella Swan: Goes walking down a dark alley in a strange city.

Evil Drunk Wannabe Rapists: Crowd around Bella menacingly.

Edward Cullen: TO THE RESCUE!

Robert Pattinson: Does his best to appear menacing.

The Actors Playing Evil Drunk Wannabe Rapists: Are polite enough to act scared and run away anyhow.

Bella Swan: Hangs out in her room in her underwear.^****

Edward Cullen: Hey Bella!

Bella Swan: How did you get in here?

Edward Cullen: Oh, just snuck in through the window.

Bella Swan: Erk?

Edward Cullen: Hey, it’s no big deal. I mean, I’ve just been sneaking into your room every night for the last two months to watch you sleep."^*****

Thomas: "ARG! AHH! YUUURGH! GAH! Aneurism.

Vampire Baseball: Is played. ^******

Evil Black Vampire: I have great abs!

Evil White Vampire: I was in Fight Club for Teens!

Evil Chick Vampire: I have great hair!

Bella Swan: I’m tasty!

The Cullens: Collective facepalm.

Some More Stuff: Happens.

Thomas: Is tired.

The Plot: Doesn’t really matter anyway.

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Oh, help me Bella, I, your mother, have been kidnapped by a hot, sort of naked vampire, and if you don’t come to the ballet studio, alone, without telling anyone, I think he’s going to kill me! </girly-voice>

Bella Swan: Falls for it.

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Throwing Bella through a mirror powers activate!

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Snapping Bella’s leg powers activate!

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Biting Bella and turning her into a vampire powers activate!

Edward Cullen: Arriving thirty seconds too late powers activate!

Bella Swan: Vampire seizure.

Teen Fight Club Vampire: Punch!

Edward Cullen: Bite!

The Cullens: Appear!

Alice Cullen: Super vampire ripping your head off because you’re a big meanie and I’m awesome powers activate!

Thomas: Is in love.

Carlise Cullen: Edward, you must suck the vampire-turning-into-poison out of Bella’s arm!

Edward Cullen: But she’s so tasty I don’t think I’ll be able to resist and I love her and eating her isn’t really the way to show a girl you love her!

Alice Cullen: Actually…

Carlise Cullen: Anyway, you have to do it, Edward! Suck like you’ve never sucked before!

Edward Cullen: Sucks.

Fangirls: Squee! Giggle! Squee!

Bella Swan: Does not turn into a vampire.

Bella Swan’s Grievous Injuries: Are neatly explained away by Edward’s enabler… erm… father.

Jacob Black: Hey Bella! I’m just here to set up the next movie!

Team Jacob: Squee!

Team Edward: Hiss!

Edward Cullen: Geeze, I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend.

Thomas: Sees what you did there.

Bella Swan: Make me a vampire.

Edward Cullen: Okay.

Bella Swan: Really? Squee!

Edward Cullen: Haha, no. We’re totally going to stretch this out for three more movies.

Bella Swan: Sadface.

Thomas: Sadface.

The Movie: Ends happily.

Evil Vampire Chick: Looks on menacingly.

The Movie: Ends with a cliffhanger.

No fangirls were harmed in the production of this blog.

^*I am not, sadly, making that up. Some chicks actually cut themselves for Rob, because Rob is Edward, and Edward likes blood, right?

^**I’m not making that up, either. The vampires in Stephanie Meyer’s universe don’t have fangs, the“good” vampires cal themselves vegetarians because they only eat animals, not humans, and sunlight doesn’t kill them, it makes them… sparkle. Like they were dipped in glitter.

^***Seriously. I’m not making that up.

^****Do you really do this? Sit around in your underwear? Because it seems kind of common in the movies, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just a ploy to distract the boys from the fact that we’ve been dragged to another chick flick.

^*****I am. Not. Making. That. Up.

^******Not making that up, either