The Vampire Diaries – S02E01 – The Return

Bonnie Bennet is a witch! She can start fires with her brain! She had one moment of real pathos last season, and Thomas was hopeful that they would do something interesting with this character. He was disappointed.

Caroline Forbes is Elena’s best fenemy, and is the designated blood donor for every vampire in Mystic Falls now that Vicki Donovan has gone on to the Great Head Shop in the Sky. She’s dating Matt Donovan, Elena’s ex who would totally hit that if Stefan wasn’t in the way. Kelly Donovan is Matt’s mom, and she’s a big ol’ cougar.

Tyler Lockwood is still on this show, which you might not have realized since he disappeared for half the season. He’s a werewolf. (Spoiler!) His dad, also a werewolf (Spoiler!) is dead, killed by the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, as part of their anti-vampire campaign / book burning.

Anna No-Last-Name is the daughter of Pearl No-Last-Name. They convinced Stefan to convince Bonnie to open the Vampire Tomb, thus releasing all of the Tombpires. Then they died.

But! Anna didn’t die until she gave Jeremy Gilbert, Elena’s brother, a vial of her blood, which he tried to use to suicide his way into the vampire lifestyle. Fun fact: people used to believe that suicides were cursed to become vampires, blood or no blood. We have yet to see if it works out for Jeremy. Thomas hopes so, because he’s sick of Jeremy’s emo.

Uncle John Gilbert is Elena’s father. The “uncle” part is a lie, not an indication of inbreeding. He knocked up Isobel Flemming-Saltzman, Elena’s birth mother, before she sprouted fangs. He was also the mastermind behind the plot to use The Original John Gilbert‘s Plot Device to kill all of the vampires in Mystic Falls, a plan which was more or less successful. Also also, he has a Magic Ring of Not Dying, similar to the Salvatores’, which allows him to heal from (almost) any wound.

Isobel went on to marry Alaric Saltzman and then leave him to become a vampire. Alaric is a high school history teacher by day, a vampire slayer by night, and totally doesn’t mind hanging around with Damon, even though he slept with, fed from, then vamped his ex wife. He also has a Magic Ring of Not Dying.

Damon totally totally made out with Elena! But it turned out to be Katherine! But he doesn’t know that yet! This will probably be a source of many mistaken-identity, love-rectangle shenanigans this season.

Got all that? Good, because it’s time for the first episode of Season Two: The Return!

Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: Hi Uncle John Gilbert! Super vampire cutting off your Magic Ring of Not Dying (and all of your fingers) then stabbing you to death powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: Well that’s less than ideal.

Elena Gilbert: 911 calling powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: Look out! Behind you!

Elena Gilbert: What? Who’s there?

Katherine Pierce: Not me! Super vampire running around the house as super speed and super quiet powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Huh. Wait, Jeremy! Are you all right?

Jeremy Gilbert: Maybe!

Stefan Salvatore: Well, using my powers of “looking into his eyes”, I have determined that your brother is not, in fact, a vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Yay!

Jeremy Gilbert: Boo!

Bonnie Bennet: Matt, how’s your rebound girl?

Matt Donovan: Not good. The Plot Device you gave the Watcher’s Council kinda sorta broke Taylor’s brain. He crashed into a car, and Caroline is going to be used to create suspense for at least another couple of scenes.

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, no!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Damon! The mayor was killed with the vampires! But he wasn’t a vampire, I just know it! And Caroline’s creating suspense in the OR!

Damon Salvatore: I… have no knowledge of any of this. Head pat.

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m thinking you should give Caroline some Magic Vampire Blood of Healing.

Damon Salvatore: If I do, will you call a truce?

Bonnie Bennet: No, but it will help your chances of getting into Elena’s pants.

Damon Salvatore: Done! So Elena, about that kiss…

Elena Gilbert: Kiss what kiss I never kissed you I love Stefan’s abs not your abs eww I would never kiss you. Why, it’s almost like you kissed my doppelganger or something!

Damon Salvatore: No, I’m pretty sure you’re just playing hard to get.

Aunt Jenna: HI Elena! I’m back from the fire station!

Elena Gilbert: Fire station what fire station you never went to the fire station I’d totally remember if you told me you went to the fire station! Why, it’s almost like you were talking to my doppelganger or something!

Damon Salvatore: …Goddammit.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan! Smootch!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Fangs!

Katherine Pierce: Hmm. I like the dumb brother better. Arm break!

Elena Gilbert: Why is Stefan on the floor? Is there something you guys need to tell me?

Damon Salvatore: Yes. The Iraq war really isn’t over, Ricky Martin is gay, and there is no Santa Claus. Also: Katherine’s back.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! Not Ricky Martin!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and when Katherine was here, we kinda sorta made out.

Stefan Salvatore: What? Super vampire kicking my brother’s ass powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Please. Super vampire being stronger and faster and hotter than my stupid brother powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: So! Who wants to go talk to Uncle John Gilbert?

Damon Salvatore: Nah. Just ignore the bitch. She hates that. And then, when she can’t take it any more, and she comes out in the open? Stake her, rip her head off, something poetic. We’ll see.

Thomas: Just quotes him. It’s that easy.

Bonnie Bennet: So, about those grievous internal injuries I indirectly caused…?

Caroline Forbes: Not to worry! Damon gave me his blood, and the doctors say I’m healing really fast. So fast they’re probably going to kidnap me and put me in a lab and do tests on me! Who wants to watch Jersey Shore?

Carol Lockwood: Incompetent bitch!

Damon Salvatore: Carol-

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Vampire shagging hussey!

Damon Salvatore: Liz-

Carol Lockwood: You killed my husband!

Damon Salvatore: Carol-

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: It was your husband’s idiot plan to begin with!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, screw it.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Uncle Daddy John Gilbert! I brought you your Magic Ring of Not Dying! Maybe you’d like to tell us Katherine’s plan!

Uncle John Gilbert: Well, I would, but I’m way too much of a bigot to do that. Also, the fact that you’re sleeping with a black man vampire disgusts me. So why don’t you get out of my room?

Stefan Salvatore: Hmm. Well, that’s one option. Alternately, super vampire giving Uncle John Gilbert my vampire blood so that if he doesn’t do what I want I can kill him and turn him into the thing he hates the most powers activate!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Info dump time! That’s Mason Lockwood, the Mayor’s brother. He doesn’t believe in vampires, loves to surf, and his turn-ons include long walks on the beach at night, romantic poetry, and girls already involved in complicated love plots.

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Elena! Thanks for coming to my father’s wake! Come on in.

Katherine Pierce: Why thank you. Evil smirk.

Elena Gilbert: So… what’d you tell my Uncle Daddy?

Stefan Salvatore: I asked him to leave town.

Elena Gilbert: …

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, I threatened to kill him and turn him into a vampire if he didn’t leave you alone.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, that’s so sweet! I love how protective you are!

Stefan Salvatore: Great! Now I’m going to go kick Damon’s ass for thinking he kissed you.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! What have I told you about being over-protective?

Stefan Salvatore: Goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: So, how do you feel about indirectly killing the mayor and indirectly almost killing Caroline?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can make vampires hurt with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Wow is that ever getting old!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! You… sure do feel like a vampire when I touch you.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Bonnie! You sure do look like a walking snack pack!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can make vampires hurt with my brain!

Katherine Pierce: I’m a really old vampire, and your Jedi mind tricks don’t work on me! Fangs!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can open the door so everyone can see you with my brain!

Katherine Pierce: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Leaving now?

Katherine Pierce: Yes indeed!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! How ya doin?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you know. I kissed Katherine, thought it was you, doppelganger hijinks ensued.

Elena Gilbert: Damon, I know how you are. When you get hurt you pretend to be all heartless and cold, and then you do something stupid to make yourself feel better.

Damon Salvatore: That sounds like a great idea!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Tyler! Sorry about your dad! I remember when my dad died, there were a bunch of people in my house telling me how great he was. It kinda sucked.

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, but at least it was true. My dad was a dick.

Jeremy Gilbert: …yeah, I guess he was. Let’s do shots!

Mason Lockwood: Hi guys! I’m here to interrupt!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what’s up with killing the tombpires?

Katherine Pierce: Oh, you know. I left them to rot for a century and a half, didn’t want them trying to get revenge on me, the usual. Hey, did I tell you that the whole “bigger, stringer, meaner” thing you’ve got going on is hot?

Stefan Salvatore: Please. I didn’t spend the last hundred and forty five years obsessing over you like Damon did.

Katherine Pierce: Really? Then how come you’re dating a girl played by the same actress, huh?

Stefan Salvatore: I… um… I hate you! Pout!

Katherine Pierce: Really? That’s too bad. Gut stab! Also: “I hate you” sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end.

Thomas: No means no, Katherine.

Katherine Pierce: Fangs!

Thomas: As you were then.

Damon Salvatore: Someone’s got a stalker </sing-song>

Elena Gilbert: I’m… gonna go over there now.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you remember the time when I kissed Katherine because I thought she was Elena? Don’t you just wanna kick my ass for that?

Stefan Salvatore: No, I actually think it’s great that you’re finally starting to feel human emotions again. And, I can’t afford to be fighting you when Katherine is around.

Damon Salvatore: …Dick.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I’m done killing the vampires, so I’m bouncing out of town again! See you in a year or ten!

Jeremy Gilbert: Before you go… how come that Magic Ring of Not Dying didn’t keep my dad alive?

Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, he died in a car crash. These rings only protect us from supernatural attacks.

Thomas: Lame.

Tyler Lockwood: I hate you dad! Mom shove!

Mason Lockwood: Tyler tackle! Tyler, calm down! Punch! Calm down! Shove! I said calm down! Raspberry!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon? Sexy time now?

Damon Salvatore: Yes please! But first, I have a question… about our relationship…

Katherine Pierce: Oh, yeah, that. Never really dug you. I was always Team Stefan.

Team Stefan: Yay!

Damon Salvatore: Epic! Sad! Face!

Team Damon: Weep!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Rape kiss!

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! I’m Team Stefan, too!

Jeremy Gilbert: Is everything all right?

Damon Salvatore: Say, you wanted to be a vampire, right? Neck snap!

Elena Gilbert: Jeremy! No!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, it’s cool. I’ve got the Magic Ring of Not Dying. Also: I’m totes gonna become a vampire slayer now.

Tyler Lockwood: Why do I get so angry all the time? I hate being like this!

Mason Lockwood: It’s the curse of being a Lockwood. The Lockwood Curse, you might call it. Or you could call it lycanthropy, I guess.

Stefan Salvatore: Damon totally saw the Magic Ring. That’s why he snapped your brother’s neck!

Elena Gilbert: Really? You buy that? You’re kind of an idiot, aren’t you?

Stefan Salvatore: It’s all Katherine’s fault!

Elena Gilbert: Well, yes, that’s one possibility. On the other hand, Damon might just be evil.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Caroline! I was hoping you could give the Salvatore Brothers a message for me. Smother!

Caroline Forbes: Dies.

Damon’s Blood: Is still in her system.

Vampire Caroline: Is going to be awesome.

The Plot: Thickens.