The Vampire Diaries – S02E09 – Katerina

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! How’s your memory?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’ve got a surprise for you!

Rose: Hi Elena! I’m joining the scooby gang!

Elena Gilbert: …

Rose: And Damon will be too busy having sex with me to bother you!

Elena Gilbert: Welcome to the team!

Rose: …and Elijah was really old but Klaus is like super old and Elijah was like the Easter Bunny and that makes Klaus like Santa except instead of bringing you presents he comes down your chimney and murders your whole family!

Elena Gilbert: So the oldest vampire in the world is coming after me?

Rose: Yes!

Stefan Salvatore: No!

Damon Salvatore: Maybe!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going to school.

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll come with you!

Elena Gilbert: I can find my own way.

Every Team Except Team Stefan: Oooooh burn!

Damon Salvatore: She’s in denial.

Stefan Salvatore: Shut up Damon!

Bonnie Bennet: Oh no! I have dropped both my books and my academic supplies!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I’m making a play for your affections!

Luka Martin: Hi Bonnie! I’m your regularly scheduled Temporary African American Love Interest!

The Girlfriend: You think he’s a witch?

Thomas: Nah, but he’ll be dead by the end of the episode.

Caroline Forbes: But I’m a terrible liar and I break out in hives when I try to be sneaky and Stefan will see right through me and then he’s going to give me broody face and I hate his broody face it’s so much broodier than his Tuesday face!

Elena Gilbert: Pinky swear you won’t tell him?

Caroline Forbes: You’ve talked me into it! But you do realize that you’re asking a psychotic, murdering, pathological liar to tell you the secrets you need to stay alive, right?

Elena Gilbert: You know what they say: the enemy of my enemy can’t fang me if she’s trapped in a magic tomb of not escaping created by the Bennet witches in order to save them from the ravening hoard of Old Mystic Falls!

Caroline Forbes: Good point! Super vampire pulling open the giant stone slab powers activate!

Katherine Pierce: Braaaaaaaaains bloooooooood….

Elena Gilbert: Hi Katherine! I brought you a blanket and a lantern and the Big Book of Petrova! Did you know that Ancestry.com sells giant leather books now?

Katherine Pierce: Yawn.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, and I brought you a bottle of blood!

Katherine Pierce: NOM NOM NOM!

Elena Gilbert: Ah ah ah! First you have to tell me everything I always wanted to know about Klaus but was too afraid to ask!

Katherine Pierce: Pout. Fine. It all starts in Bulgaria, in 1492. I was kinda slutty even back then, and I had a baby! And then my family sent me away to England! And then I met Klaus, and he was handsome and polite and rich and hot and I fell for him until I realized that he only wanted to get into my pants veins!

Katherine Pierce: Run run run! Hey, is it time to do that thing where the girl that’s running away from a monster trips and falls yet? Trips, falls. Guess so!

The Lamest Vampire Trackers In The World: The scent of blood is in the air! Close by! Perhaps underneath that pile of woman’s clothing that’s like five feet away from us!

Trevor: No, that’s just a clever, lifelike decoy! The real Katerina ran that way!

The Lamest Vampire Trackers In The World: Believe him.

Trevor: Hi Katerina! Follow this path to my cottage in the woods! I’ve arranged for my emotionally dependent sorta-girlfriend to take care of you!

Katherine Pierce: Thank you! But why are you helping me, when it will mean an eternity of running from the most powerful monster in the world, never knowing rest or comfort, always fearing that the reaper’s blade is but a hair’s breadth away?

Trevor: Dude, you had a kid. You obviously put out.

Elena Gilbert: So what did Klaus want from you?

Katherine Pierce: Well, the Petrova family has a famous recipe for Shepherd’s Pie, and I was a pretty mean seamstress back in the day. Oh, and he also wanted to cut my throat, drain my blood, and offer up my soul to the Dark God of Fanged Monsters. You know, the usual.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Rose! Still whining about your boyfriend’s sudden case of decapitation?

Rose: Hi Damon! Still pining after your brother’s girlfriend?

Damon Salvatore: Don’t get on my bad side…

Rose: Then show me your good side…

Damon Salvatore: Please. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get these pants back on? Anyway, I need to know how to find Klaus, and since you were able to track down his buddy Elijah, I figured you must have some connection to Klaus.

Rose: Well, there is this vampire I used to hang out with… he dresses up like Santa Clause at Christmas, but he’s kinda dumb, and he spells it Santa Klaus…

Damon Salvatore: Close enough! Road trip!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Stefan! I need to talk to you! We should go to the grill! Or to my place! Or to your place! Or to… well, those are the only sets we have built, but we should go anywhere that’s not the Lost Woods or the Tomb of Not Escaping!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Caroline! I’d love to give Team Stefoline some false hope, but I really want to check in on Elena!

Caroline Forbes: Did I ever mention how I told Tyler that I’m a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Katherine Pierce: So the Mayans used Petrova blood to perform their Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience, and that means you’d have to use Petrova blood to break it, too!

Thomas: Wait, how did the Mayans use Petrova blood to create the Lame Ass Curse if it was done before Columbus re-discovered the New World?

Katherine Pierce: Anyway, the Petrova Doppelganger was created so that there would be a way to break the curse!

Thomas: Wait, why did the Mayans create a way to break the curse? Just in case they decided they wanted to go back to getting snacked on by various fanged monsters who are not even mildly inconvenienced?

Katherine Pierce: Look, do you want an epic showdown at the end of this season, or not? Because we’ve got to have some excuse for Klaus to show up.

Thomas: Right then, carry on.

Katherine Pierce: Help me! Help me help me help me! Trevor said you’d help me!

Rose: Why don’t you take your… Petrova doppelganger… and come inside and sit down and let my puppet-woman fix you something to eat?

Katherine Pierce: Thank you so much for protecting me from Klaus!

Rose: Protect you. Yes, yes that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Protect you.

Damon Salvatore: Thanks for bringing me along, Rose! By the way: super vampire shoving Rose up against a concrete pillar and threatening to rip her heart out if she betrays me and giving her an eyebrow wiggle at the end just because powers activate!

Rose: Super vampire being older than Damon and more of a badass and twisting his arm behind his back and shoving him up against the car and then telling him that he can trust me powers activate!

Slater the Hipster Vampire: Hi Rose! Welcome to my Double-Paned UV-Tempered Vampire Protecting Bright And Sunny But Not Explodey Hipster Bar and Grill! Hi Damon Salvatore, turned 1864 by Katherine Pierce, AKA Katerina Petrova! How’s things in Mystic Falls, home of the Bennet Witch’s Vampire Tomb of Not Escaping?

Damon Salvatore: I really need to take that stuff off my Facebook profile.

Slater the Hipster Vampire: So, where’s Trevor?

Damon Salvatore and Rose: Awkward silence.

Elena Gilbert: So Rose helped you escape from Klaus?

Katherine Pierce: Totally! I mean, she’d known me for all of ten minutes, and I was quite possibly boning her boyfriend, and my death would mean she would be able to walk in the sunlight for the first time in centuries, and it was a near certainty that even if she helped me, Klaus was going to kill me and Trevor and her and a bunch of puppies just out of spite, so why wouldn’t she help me?

Katherine Pierce: Hi Rose! I cut my wrists, so there’s no need for you to take me back to Klaus now!

Rose: Super vampire giving Katherine my magic vampire healing blood so that she doesn’t die until it’s beneficial to me powers activate!

Trevor: Hi Rose! I hope you’re playing nice with Replacement Girlfriend!

Katherine Pierce: Why look, a convenient noose! Neck snap!

Trevor: Woe!

Rose: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: You killed yourself?

Katherine Pierce: I got better! Speaking of, becoming a vampire is a rather convenient method of protecting characters played by Nina Dobrev from vampires named Klaus. You might wanna hop on that train.

Rose: Super vampire staking Katherine powers activate!

Katherine Pierce: Super vampire using the pupet-woman as a human shield and then as a happy meal and then running away powers activate!

Trevor: I am totally not getting laid tonight, am I?

Elena Gilbert: So you killed an innocent woman, used a relatively innocent vampire, and betrayed the guy who rescued you?

Katherine Pierce: Yep! And I hope you’re taking notes. This survival stuff ain’t easy.

Caroline Forbes: Nom nom nom tasty urge-to-murder suppressing foods nom! So you aren’t going to tell Damon I told Tyler than I’m a vampire, are you?

Stefan Salvatore: Of course not! He’d kill you!

Caroline Forbes: Aw, you’re so sweet! Why are you so good to me?

Stefan Salvatore: You remind me of my best friend Lexi!

Team Lexi: Squee!

Team Stefoline: Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: Also, it gets Team Stefoline all spun up, and that’s just fun to watch.

Team Stefoline: Grr!

Caroline Forbes: Anyway, we should figure out what to do about Tyler, because pretty soon the moon is going to be like Hello! and Tyler’s going to be like Wolf! and then Damon’s going to want him like Dead!

Luka Martin: Hi Bonnie! This is my dad, Dr. Jonas Martin!

Jonas Martin: Hi Bonnie! Do you have any family from Salem?

Luka Martin: And would it be all right if I gave you the Witch Shivers now?

The Girlfriend: Ha! I told you so! He’s a witch!

Thomas: God. Damn. It.

Elija: Hello there, kindly guitar-playing college student! Would you be willing to trade this hundred dollar bill for a fistfull of quarters?

Kindly Guitar-Playing College Student: Isn’t being paid to say lines, and therefore ignores Elijah.

The Girlfriend: He’s going to break Double-Paned UV-Tempered Vampire Protecting Glass with a fistful of quarters?

Thomas: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: I suck at pool!

Jeremy Gilbert: Since I’ve read that subtly insulting a girl will make her offer sexual favors in an effort to win back your approval: yes you do!

Luka Martin: Hi guys! I’m going to awkwardly interrupt your awkward teen courtship ritual!

Caroline Forbes: …Oh and Thanksgiving is coming up and I need your advice on what to cook because I know you can make gravy out of blood but I don’t know if that counts and Christmas is coming and I was thinking we should have a party and I was thinking it should be at your castle because it’s gigantic and awesome and amazing and then there’s New Years and wouldn’t it be romantic if we convinced Team Stefoline that we were going to kiss under the mistletoe?

Stefan Salvatore: You’re trying to keep me occupied so I don’t go to see Elena, aren’t you?

Caroline Forbes: …Maybe…

Stefan Salvatore: Caroline, if you’re really my friend, you’ll tell me where Elena is.

Caroline Forbes: Stefan, you are my friend, but I promised Elena I wouldn’t tell you, and I’m going to respect her right to privacy.

Thomas: Would like to point out that Caroline plainly refuted Stefan’s false dichotomy, and stood up for a girl’s right to autonomy, all in one neat sentence. And, despite the fact that every black character on this show is either dead or a witch, I love the writers. Anyway:

Stefan Salvatore: She’s with Damon, isn’t she?

Caroline Forbes: Ew, no! And I promise you that she’s not in any danger at all! I mean, it’s not like I would take her to the Vampire Tomb of Not Escaping and pull open the Pentacle Door of Doom and leave her to chit-chat with Katherine or anything!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: So what exactly do you need to break the curse?

Katherine Pierce: Let’s see… you need a magic moon rock, and a you, and a vampire, and a werewolf, and a witch..

Elena Gilbert: But Bonnie’s a witch! And Tyler’s a werewolf! And Caroline’s a vampire! And I’m a me! And that rock is both magical and moon-ey!

Katherine Pierce: Wow, what an odd coincidence!

Damon Salvatore: So explain this: Klaus & Friends all have Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Daylight, so why would they even care about breaking the curse?

Slater the Hipster Vampire: Well you see, if a vampire breaks the curse, the werewolves are stuck with it forever! And if a werewolf breaks the curse, the vampires are stuck with it forever!

Damon Salvatore: That doesn’t make any sense. Why would the Mayans make a Lame Ass Doppelganger to break their Lame Ass Curse, and then make it so only one kind of Lame Ass Bad Guy could break it?

Slater the Hipster Vampire: Plot convenience.

Rose: But there are no more werewolves…

Damon Salvatore: Actually…

Elijah: Oh this is boring the crap out of me. Super vampire throwing a fistful of change through the Double-Paned UV-Tempered Vampire Protecting Glass powers activate!

Rose and Slater the Hipster Vampire: Light on fire.

The Crowd: Scatters.

Damon: Is pissed.

Elijah: Is gone.

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire throwing my leather jacket over Rose and picking her up and carrying her to safety powers activate!

Rose: Thanks Damon! Not that it matters. Because Klaus is going to murder us all to death.

Bonnie Bennet: Giggle, grin, flirt!

Jeremy Gilbert: Flirt, grin, giggle!

Luka Martin: Hi Bonnie! I’m a witch warlock! Supper wiccan making a bunch of salt rise up from the table and swirl around powers activate!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I can’t believe it! I knew Caroline was going to tell you where I was!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, Caroline was cool about it. I just asked myself, “what is the dumbest, most dangerous thing Elena could possibly do?” And after I found out that you weren’t playing in traffic, starting a drug habit, or skydiving, I came here!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan! Hey, did I ever tell you how Klaus reacts when he doesn’t get what he wants?

Katherine Pierce: Momma, I’m home! …That’s funny, I don’t remember leaving the bodies of my entire family strewn about the front yard…

Katherine Pierce: So basically, even if you manage to get away from Klaus, he’s still going to murder your friends and your family and your acquaintances and your goldfish.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, no! I’ll protect you!

Elena Gilbert: Oh thank god! So what’s your plan?

Stefan Salvatore: Well I, er, that is…

Katherine Pierce: If I may suggest: maybe this magic moon rock could help?

Stefan Salvatore: Ha, that’s it! You spun this entire thing so that we’d have to open the tomb to get the moon rock from you! You manipulative, psychotic bitch!

Katherine Pierce: Actually, your brother’s just an idiot. Besides, there’s no way Klaus or any of his henchmen are coming in here, since they’ll never be able to escape. And that makes me the safest psychotic bitch in town.

Thomas: Kinda loves Katherine.

Rose: Hey Damon! Sorry about today, and sorry we aren’t going to be able to save Elena.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll figure something out. Something involving eyebrow wiggling and heart ripping, probably. And I might take my shirt off.

Rose: You remind me of Trevor!

Damon Salvatore: Hey!

Rose: Oh, not in the “bad-hair, scruffy-beard, guitar playing” way. I mean in the “dying for the unrequited love of a character played by Nina Dobrev” way.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, all right then.

Rose: And also in the “I’m going to bang that like a snare drum in a jazz band” way.

Damon Salvatore: If you insist… Super vampire male nudity powers activate!

Team Romon: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Everyone I love is in danger because of me! Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire comforting my way back into Elena’s pants powers activate!

The Guy Singing The Closing Song: WOOOAAAAHHHAAAH!

Bonnie Bennet: Giggle, grin, flirt!

Luka Martin: Flirt, grin, giggle!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m sad!

The Guy Singing The Closing Song: WOOOAAAAHHH AAAHHOOOOOO AAAAHHHOOOHHHHH!

Katherine Pierce: Why, a charcoal sketch of my long-dead family! Is it possible that I am not the emotionless, heartless bitch that I have claimed to be, and that I, even I, might be redeemable?

The Guy Singing The Closing Song: WOOOOOO AAAAAAAAHHHHHH EEEEEEYYYYYYY AAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA HHHHHAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOAAAAAA HHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOH!

Rose: Hey, you know that whole “no emotions switch” thing is BS, right?

Damon Salvatore: :-p

Slater the Hipster Vampire (On the Phone): Hey Rose! I did some… research… and it turns out that you can break the curse-breaking curse! All you need is the magic moon rock a witch! And you have to perform the spell in a very public, easily findable place, after giving thirty days notice in the classifieds section of every major newspaper in Mystic Falls, as well as Craig’s List, Facebook, and Twitter!

Rose (On the Phone): I accept that information unquestioningly!

Elija: Well done, Slater! Now… Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Slater the Hipster Vampire: But the mind-whammy isn’t supposed to work on vampires!

Elija: Yeah yeah yeah, I have super mind-whammy powers to go along with my not dying from a stake to the heart powers.

Slater the Hipster Vampire: Oh, well in that case I’ll just ram this piece of wood through my heart! Dies.

Jonas Martin: Hi Elijah! I’m evil!

The Plot: Thickens.