The Vampire Diaries – S02E18 – The Last Dance

Klaularic: God this guy’s wardrobe sucks… so, should I go with “Eddie Vedder” or “Johnny Cash”?

Katherine Pierce: Oh the dark colors are way better on you. They make you seem… noble, and trustworthy, and not at all vindictive.

Klaularic: Sweet! Say, could you go ahead and stab yourself repeatedly in the leg?

Katherine Pierce: …um…

Klaularic: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Katherine Pierce: Fine. Pout. Self-stab. Pout.

Klaularic: Thanks babe! Well, I’m going to go see if I have to murder Bonnie because she’s a threat, or just because she’s annoying. You go ahead and entertain yourself with the self mutilation. TTFN!

Katherine Pierce: Worst. Day. Ever. Self-stab.

Andrew J. Poindexter, Esq: So if you’ll just sign here, and pay roughly a billion dollars in capital gains taxes, you’ll be the proud new owner of a brand new slightly used castle!

Bonnie Bennet: Wow… so who has to clean this place?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, I’ll just tell Stefan that the dust might murder me with asthma or something, and he’ll take care of it.

Bonnie Bennet: That works?

Elena Gilbert: How do you think I got out of all those English exams? “Steeeefaaaaan! Reading is haaaaaaard! Pout!” “Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes!” “She gets an ‘A’!”

Damon Salvatore: So, do you really think Bonnie can take Klaus?

Stefan Salvatore: Of course! I mean, it’s not like her powers have ever failed or proven insufficient for plot-convenient reasons before!

Damon Salvatore: What about Katherine? You think she’s dead?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure! I mean, it’s not like Klaus would keep her alive for two or three centuries just to torture her, would he?

Damon Salvatore: …

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! How’s it going?

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: …

Elena Gilbert: Oh, right! Stefan, come on in!

Damon Salvatore: …

Elena Gilbert: Oh, yeah! So Damon, if I invite you in, do you promise to do whatever I say, and stop telling lies, and stop eating people, and stop hiding Stefan’s hair gel?

Damon Salvatore: No, but I will watch you while sleep. And possibly shower.

Elena Gilbert: Good enough! Come on in!

Bonnie Bennet: Okay Elena, ready for school?

Stefan Salvatore: Really? You haven’t been to school in six months, and now that Klaus is in town and all sacrifice-ey, you want to go out in public?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can protect Elena with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: …I’ll get my books.

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Matt! Caroline actually went to school today, and you just missed her!

Matt Donovan: Oh, that’s cool. I actually came here to freak right out about the fact that your daughter and my girlfriend is a goddamn vampire.

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hey, you know what I bet would help you calm down? Taking Barbie-pire to the school dance!

Matt Donovan: …do all of your plans suck this bad?

Klaularic: So, does anyone remember where we left off? Or even what class this is?

Elena Gilbert: Dude, it was like six months ago. None of us remember what the hell you were talking about.

Everyone: …

Elena Gilbert: I meant, it was like six months ago, and none of us remember what the hell you were talking about, Mr. Saltzman .

Everyone: Told you she was boning him. They spend way too much time together for it to be normal.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I-

Matt Donovan: : -*

Caroline Forbes: -can’t talk with you tongue down my throat, but that’s okay!

The Fiancee: They bought a Shaggin’ Wagon for the school dance?

Thomas: Richest. Student. Government. Ever.

Jeremy Gilbert: So… I have concerns about this plan of yours. Specifically the part where it’s going to kill you.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, you don’t know that it’s going to kill me!

Thomas: Yeah, Jeremy! Give the girl a chance! What’s the worst that could happen?

Some Girl: Hey Elena! Klaus told me to tell you he’s dying to see you at the dance tonight!

Elena Gilbert: …Poop.

Stefan Salvatore: See! I told you it wasn’t safe to go to school!

Damon Salvatore: Whatever. We’ll go to the dance tonight, eat a couple of fat kids to carb up, kick his ass, and sleep with some cheerleaders. Who’s in?

Klaularic: Hi guys! I’m just going to walk across this threshold, in my totally human body, because there’s nothing at all mystical that would hinder my entrance!

Elena Gilbert: …you were a lot more normal when you were sleeping with Aunt Jenna. Anyway, what do we do when we find Klaus?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can kill Klaus with my brain!

Klaularic: Are you sure? I mean, Klaus is the strongest vampire in the world. And really smart. And rich. And handsome. I mean, that’s what I heard, anyway.

Bonnie Bennet: Supper Wiccan Damon tossing powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Well that settles it! I mean, if Bonnie can move a hundred and sixty pound body with her brain, she’s certainly powerful enough to kill a vampire that’s had roughly ten thousand years to grow in strength and tactical prowess!

Klaularic: This is going to be effing hilarious.

Klaularic: Well, I need to go murder a witch, and that means I need some vintage clothing. Like a tie-dye, or some bell bottoms, or… a crossbow, and a wooden stake, and wooden bullets… what the eff?

Katherine Pierce: Vampire hunter. Self-stab.

Klaularic: Neat. So Maddox, care to immolate a witch-bitch for me?

Maddox: No way dude… she’ll sense me coming a mile away. But , you could use the fact that she implicitly trusts you get her alone, and then cut her throat with the giant folding knife you carry around.

Katherine Pierce: Self-stab. Yes, take the knife. Please. Self-stab.

Klaularic: Or , I could engage in a risky-yet-brilliant gambit, attacking her in order to provoke her into using enough magic to kill herself!

Maddox: Jesus, it’s always the hard way with you. Fine, I’ll go prep the “prevent the boss from murdering himself with his idiot plan” spell. Again. goddamn vampires.

Katherine Pierce: Self-stab.

Caroline Forbes: Hi mom!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi there little bloodsucking fiend!

Caroline Forbes: Wait, what?

Matt Donovan: Hey, you ready for the dance, you demon-spawned hell beast?

Caroline Forbes: Wait, what?

The Fiancee: Why did she go with Jackie O? She’s definitely a Marilyn.

Caroline Forbes: Why does everyone hate me?

Stefan Salvatore: Are you sure you want to go to the dance?

Elena Gilbert: Well, it’s either that or have another kidnapping episode, and we did that last week, so… yeah, let’s go rush into danger, rather than let danger come rushing at us.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, can we get going already? I can’t wait to show off these leather pants.

Klaularic: Hey there… kid! Would you like to kick Jeremy’s ass for me?

Chad from Third Period: Boy would I!

Klaularic: I mean, I can compel…

Chad from Third Period: No, that’s cool. Kid’s a douche.

Chad’s Friends: We’ll help!

Klaularic: …I kind of like this place!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! You should wear my Magic Ring of Not Dying!

Bonnie Bennet: No, the ring only protects you from supernatural death, not death by supernatural means!

Jeremy Gilbert: …?

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, I know, but that’s what the script says. Anyway, I have to go flirt talk with Damon, so I’ll see you later.

Some Girl: And we have a special shout-out to Elena Gilbert from Klaus… it’s You’re Going to Die Horribly , by the Eurofop Asskickers !

Damon Salvatore: I hate that song.

Klaularic: So… that was creepy, wasn’t it?

Damon Salvatore: Eh. I’m not impressed.

Klaularic: Wait, why not? Pout.

Even Klaularic: Wants to impress Damon.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, I’ve got to go warn Caroline about the impending doom, and cock-block Matt real quick. Can you tease Team Delena a bit?

Damon Salvatore: Sure can! Hungry eyes!

Damon Salvatore: So… you’re really going to kill yourself to save Elena?

Bonnie Bennet: Yes, and don’t try to talk me out of it!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no, you’re cool. Go ahead. Hell, I’ll help.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Jeremy, why so glum?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I’m just sad that Bonnie is going to kill herself murdering Klaus tonight, and I haven’t even gotten to third base yet.

Stefan Salvatore: …dammit, now I’m having moral qualms again.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, I haven’t been sandwiched between two girls in GoGo Boots since the actual sixties. This place should be open more often.

Bonnie Bennet: You really are the worst chaperone in the history of the world, aren’t you?

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! I need to yell at you for trying to kill yourself to save me!

Damon Salvatore: Wait… Stefan, did Jeremy tell you, and did you tell Elena, and is Elena yelling at Bonnie?

Stefan Salvatore: Yep!

Damon Salvatore: You people are like a Rube Goldberg machine of stupid.

Chad from Third Period: Hi Jeremy! Asskick!

Jeremy Gilbert: Super Junior Vampire Hunter Fetal Fighting Position powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, should we use our super speed and strength to rush in and save him?

Damon Salvatore: Nah, let’s take out time. Kid still annoys me.

Chad from Third Period: Hi guys! Crossbow!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: Wall toss! Crazy eyes!

The Fiancee: I missed the crazy eyes!

Klaularic: Hey girls! Klaus has Jeremy! You need to follow me down this dark, isolated hallway! Creepy smile!

Klaularic: Okay, they’e right over here…

Elena Gilbert: Wait, something’s wrong… you haven’t talked about sexing Aunt Jenna all night! You aren’t Alaric… you’re Klaus!

Klaularic: Really? That’s what tipped you off? All right then. Can we do the murder dance now?

Bonnie Bennet: Boy can we! Supper Wiccan Klaularic smashing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So… Elena, why don’t you go find my buzzkill brother… I need to talk to Bonnie…

Klaularic: So… do you want to do this the easy way, or the hard way?

Bonnie Bennet: I can break all of your fingers with my brain!

Klaularic: So the hard way, then.

Bonnie Bennet: I can break also break your shoulder, elbow, knee, ribs, and spine with my brain!

Klaularic: Um, not to ruin the fun, but you’ve got a little blood right… everywhere.

Bonnie Bennet: Dies.

Thomas: Refuses to celebrate prematurely.

Damon Salvatore: You guys take off… I’ll deal with the body.

Thomas: I swear to god, if Damon gave her his blood…

The Fiancee: She’ll be a witchpire!

Dayna Barter: Then she can compel people — with her brain!!

Elena Gilbert: There is still not enough therapy in the world.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Damon! What’s up with that girlfriend-shaped bag you just threw unceremoniously into your back seat?

Damon Salvatore: We… need to have a little talk.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I hate you for letting Bonnie die!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! You’re a bleeding idiot, and need to STFU so that I can explain my diabolical plan!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can fake suicide with my brain!

Thomas: God. Effing. Dammit.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie!

The Fiancee: Eat him! Eat him eat him eat him! #teamwitchpire

Stefan Salvatore: You should have let us in on your plan! Elena was sad for like five whole minutes!

Damon Salvatore: See, that’s why I didn’t tell you. Because you would’ve never been able to do it. Don’t get me wrong, Stefan, I don’t mind being the bad guy. I’ll make all the life and death decisions, while you’re busy worrying about collateral damage. I’ll even let her hate me for it… But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.

The Fiancee: Why is she with Stefan? Why why why, when she can have that ?

Thomas: <3.

Bonnie Bennet: What’s that, Jeremy?

Jeremy Gilbert: This is MyFi!

Bonnie Bennet: That looks really cool! Does it have any special features?

Jeremy Gilbert: It sure does! It’s small enough to fit in your pocket, but powerful enough to bring the Internet to your whole family… wherever your wireless phone goes! No cables required! Just power it on and instantly connect up to five Wi-Fi-enabled devices!

Bonnie Bennet: Can I use it to Skype with Elena?

Jeremy Gilbert: You bet!

Elena Gilbert (via Skype, via MyFi): Hi Bonnie! I’m glad you’re not dead!

Bonnie Bennet (via Skype, via MyFi): Me, too! And you know what’s even better? I have access the world’s best mobile internet, right here in the Mystic Falls Home for Immolated Wiccans! Thanks for buying MyFi, Jeremy! I’ll definitely let you get to third base now!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! So… I’m cool with your plan, since it didn’t end up with a Bonnie-cide, but I want to make sure you know that she’s not expendable, okay?

Damon Salvatore: Well, I just want you to know that if I have to make a choice, Bonnie’s toast. I will always. Chose. You.

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Swoon!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Elijah’s body! So everyone’s been trying really hard to keep my alive, and I feel like I’m just not pulling my weight, but that’s okay because I have a brilliant plan that will make all of our problems go away! And it starts by bringing you back to life! Dagger-yank!

Thomas: Oh for fuck’s sake.

The Plot: Thickens.