The Vampire Diaries – S02E19 – Klaus

Elena Gilbert: Hey Elijah! Welcome back to the world of the li-

Elijah: GWAAAAAAAHHHHHUUUUU!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, you go ahead and catch your breath. I’ll be over here.

Some European Douchebag: –

The Fiancee: Hey, isn’t that Trevor?

Thomas: …

Some European Douchebag Trevor: Hi Elijah! I brought Klaus a girl for his birthday!

Katherine Pierce: Hi there! I’m like nobility or something! Tee hee!

Elijah: …I am going to hit that like the fist of an angry god.

Elijah: Twitch! Hey, you know that whole “vampires must be invited in” thing? Spasm! Well, I think I found a loophole. Convulse! Unfortunately, that loophole involves blinding pain, Shudder! and an inability to breathe, which Paroxysm! for some reason I now need to do.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! If only something could be done! Say, for example, by the person who now owns this house!

Elijah: …I’ll just see myself out, then.

Elena Gilbert: So to start off, I want to say that I’m really sorry that we killed you. Twice.

Elijah: And I’m really sorry that I can’t rip your spine out through your nostrils until I find a way to get you out of the house.

Elena Gilbert: And I’d love to explain everything, but the Salvatores are upstairs…

Elijah: Speaking of spines that need to be ripped out…

Elena Gilbert: And I’d consider it a personal favor if you didn’t wake them up and tell them that I brought you back to life.

Elijah: I’m pretty sure I left a flamethrower or a rocket launcher or something around here…

Elena Gilbert: And as a token of my good will, I’m going to give you the only weapon we have capable of bringing down Klaus without commensurate Bonniecide.

Elijah: …You have my attention.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Elena isn’t within eyesight! She must be doing something stupid!

Damon Salvatore: Hey babe! Can I have a little snack?

Andie Star: But I just did my hair!

Damon Salvatore: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, Damon, did you leave the cellar door open?

Damon Salvatore: No…

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Thomas: That’s what I said.

Katherine Pierce: So, about this whole “use up all of my power to break the Lame Ass Curse while I’m surrounded by an entire city full of people who want to kill me” idea…

Maddox: Don’t bother. All of his plans are like this. I’m surprised he hasn’t figured out a way to use himself as the sacrificial vampire yet. goddamn vampires.

Klaularic: Actually, I have to break the curse in the birthplace of the doppelganger. The neonatal unit is going to be a wreck when I’m done.

Katherine Pierce: Well, I’ll just be going then…

Klaularic: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Katherine Pierce: Pout.

Elijah: Yeah, pull over right here. This looks like a nice, deserted place to dump your body.

Elena Gilbert: But I want to be your buddy!

Elijah: …or , I could just break your neck, eat your family, and head off to Barbados for the summer.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Elena! So about this incredibly stupid thing you’ve done…

Elena Gilbert: It’s cool, Stefan. Elijah is a noble man, and he realizes that we have common goals. Furthermore, it would be stupid for me to betray him again (twice is my limit when it comes to betraying incredibly powerful, ancient vampires) and by removing the dagger from his heart, I’ve proven my worthiness to him.

Elijah: You know just saying all of that doesn’t make it true, right? Jesus, you’re dense. Blood sip.

The Fiancee: Aw, Elijah has a vampire Capri Sun!

Damon Salvatore: That’s it, she’s finally cracked. She’s been kidnapped one too many times, or maybe watching her mother self-immolate did it, or hell, maybe it’s because her history teacher keeps telling her what positions her aunt likes, I don’t know. But that girl is crazier than, well, me.

Stefan Salvatore: No, Damon! Elena represents all that is good in the world, and her trust and belief in others is her greatest strength! We must follow her way, for through her example, we will achieve salvation!

Damon Salvatore: …That girl must be phenomenal in bed. Anyway, I’m going to go murder someone. I’ll be back in an hour.

Elena Gilbert: …and then he stole Alaric’s body!

Elijah: Yeah, he does that sometimes. So how did he use that to his advantage? Did he ferret out a bunch of secrets? Or murder someone who would have otherwise been on guard? Or sow dissension amongst his opponents?

Elena Gilbert: No, he had a couple of guys beat up my brother, and then dedicated a song to me at the school dance.

Elijah: …Why are we all afraid of him again?

Elijah: Behold, Lord Klaus!

The Fiancee: How awesome would it be if they got Bon Jovi to play Klaus?

The Producers: About fifteen seasons’ budget worth of awesome.

The Fiancee: Pout.

Elijah: Anyway, Katherine, this is Klaus. Klaus, Katherine.

Katherine Pierce: …I’m going to have to bang the ugly brother, too, aren’t I?

Carol Lockwood:Hi guys!

Elijah: Hi Carol! Would it be cool if I rummage through your dead husband’s clothing, and then wander around your back yard for a while?

Carol Lockwood:Sure!

Elena Gilbert: How do you know she’s not on vervain?

Elijah: Vervain? What? I didn’t mind-whammy her. She just wants to see me naked.

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Agree.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Jenna! No, Elena isn’t here, even though she owns this place now. And she’s certainly not sneaking around town with an older man. And she’s definitely not doing anything that could get her, her family, or the entire town murdered.

Aunt Jenna (on the Phone): Oh, okay then! I’m going to go have lunch with Alaric!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): That’s a terrible idea!

Damon Salvatore: Have fun trying to save the day all by yourself!

Andie Star: Are you really going to let him have all the fun?

Damon Salvatore: No way, babe! We’re going rogue!

The Fiancee: They’re never going to tell Jenna the truth, are they?

Elijah: So the Martins are dead, Klaus has Katherine, and the moon rock, and a witch, he can find a werewolf by wandering down the street and throwing a stick, and your best plan is to go after him with a nineteen-year-old that can float feathers with her brain?

Elena Gilbert: Yep!

Elijah: I need a drink.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, you never told me how you got involved with Klaus to begin with!

Elijah: Oh, he’s my brother.

Elena Gilbert: …

Elijah: I’m a little behind on the times, but I believe the term you’re searching for is “OMG”.

Thomas: <3 Elijah.

Katherine Pierce: Wheee! I’m a prisoner and frequently subject to torture but I found a bottle of bourbon whee!

Andie Star: Hello! Anybody home?

Katherine Pierce: Being compelled sucks.

Damon Salvatore: Hold on, let me just break down the door. I’m sure no one will notice later.

Katherine Pierce: Hi guys!

Andie Star: Wow, you’re right… she does look exactly like Elena. Can we do experiments on her?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Jenna! Thanks so much for not going to meet-

Klaularic: ‘Sup!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, so your whole family was Originals?

Elijah: Well, my whole family was human. My mother had seven children, and then… well, it’s a long, fascinating story, which I will not be telling you.

Damon Salvatore: So, I have a handy bottle of anti-vampire pot, and I’ll totally give it to you… if you can explain why you teamed up with Isobel to betray us.

Katherine Pierce: I figured you guys were screwed, and I wanted to be on the winning team.

Damon Salvatore: …yeah, I can see that. Here you go!

Aunt Jenna: So, who wants to tell me what the eff is going on?

The Fiancee: I do!

Klaularic: Well, I suppose I should let you in on my secret… I’m obsessed with Twilight .

Aunt Jenna: o_0

Stefan Salvatore: I’m more of a Dracula guy, myself.

Aunt Jenna: 0_o

Elijah: So yeah, we’re pretty badass. Sunlight, fire, stakes, wolf bites… bring ’em on. But then the witches had to go and give us a weakness, in order to balance things out, so they made us allergic to a certain tree. Lame ass witches.

Elena Gilbert: But what about the Lame Ass Curse?

Elijah: Funny story, that…

Elijah: Hey, you remember that time we totally made up that legend about the Aztecs putting a Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience on us, using the blood of a Bulgarian chick that had no way of even being on the continent for another hundred years, and everybody bought it? Wasn’t that hilarious ?

Elena Gilbert: Wait, the Lame Ass Curse was a joke ?

Thomas: !!!

The Writers: Are redeemed.

The Fiancee: Nice retcon.

Klaularic: So yeah, vampires are totes for realz.

Aunt Jenna: So… could you get out of my house now?

Klaularic: No, but I can threaten you with this butcher knife!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh no! Whatever shall I do?

Thomas: Dear Stefan: you’re stronger than Klaularic. Just punch him.

Stefan Salvatore: That’s a great idea! Super vampire being stronger than my totally human nemesis powers activate!

Aunt Jenna: 0_o

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs!

Aunt Jenna: 0_0

Stefan Salvatore: Jaw break! Rib kick! Rib kick! Rib kick!

Aunt Jenna: I’ll… just be going now.

The Fiancee: Well, at least hey kinda have to tell her now.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Stefan! What? He did? You did? She does? Poop!

Elijah: So I guess I’m not going to get to finish my story?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, it’s cool, I just have to go tell my Aunt everything that’s happened in the last two seasons. I’ll be right back. I promise!

Elijah: Yeah, trusting you has never bitten me in the ass before.

Elijah and Katherine Pierce: Frolic through the garden.

Katherine Pierce: So, your brother’s totally hot!

Elijah: 🙁

Katherine Pierce: But so are you!

Elijah: 🙂

Klaus: Hi guys! I just ate an entire pub full of villagers. Who wants to have some sex?

Elijah: 🙁

Klaus: I meant her.

Elijah: No, I got it. That’s why I was frowning.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Aunt Jenna!

Aunt Jenna: Hi Elena! So you remember how I was really mad that you didn’t tell me about Isobel?

Elena Gilbert: Yeah!

Aunt Jenna: …

Elena Gilbert: …This is worse, isn’t it?

Aunt Jenna: So much worse. You know, my mom used to tell me bedtime stories about this crap. I thought she was just nuts.

The Fiancee: Who tells their kid bedtime stories about vampires?

Thomas: I used to make my father tell me bedtime stories about vampires.

The Fiancee: That explains so much.

Aunt Jenna: So who else knows?

Elena Gilbert: Actually, it would be easier for me to tell you who doesn’t know.

Aunt Jenna: …

Elena Gilbert: …

Aunt Jenna: …

Elena Gilbert: That’s it. That’s the list.

Aunt Jenna: I am remarkably not okay with any of this.

Stefan Salvatore (hiding in the shadows): I am never getting laid again.

Stefan Salvatore: So how’d that go?

Elena Gilbert: It’s cool. Once we got past the screaming and the denial and the sobbing, she entered this nice, calm, catatonic state. Anyway, I’ve got to get back to Elijah.

Damon Salvatore: Or , you can try not being a crazy, suicidal bitch for just one goddamn episode , and sit the hell down and shut the hell up and let us figure this mess the fuck out.

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, I like her plan better.

Damon Salvatore: I swear to god I am going to slap you silly.

Katherine Pierce: Dances (rather well) to some song.

The Fiancee: I really like that song. What is it?

Thomas: Let me check Vampire-Diaries.net for the complete song list!

The Fiancee: Thanks babe! :-*

Product Placement: Doesn’t have to be a two-by-four to the skull.

Klaularic: Hi Katherine! I’m home.

Thomas: Wait. Wait wait wait. Stefan just left Klaularic laying there, so he could get up and leave and go and do whatever he wanted ? It’s official:

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Deserve each other.

Maddox: Hey boss. I picked up your body. Which you had delivered to the local bus station, for some reason. So now I smell like hobo pee. Thanks for that. goddamn vampires.

Elena Gilbert: So, if the Lame Ass Cure was a joke, what’s up with the moon rock?

Elijah: Well, our mommy was kind of a slut, and Klaus’ father is actually a werewolf.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, you mean…?

Elijah: That’s right! Klaus plays for #teamwerepire!

The Fiancee: He’s a vampolf!

Elijah: A werepire would be the most powerful creature alive. But nature will not allow such an imbalance, and so his furry side was suppressed by the Servants of Nature.

Elena Gilbert: You mean he was cursed by Captain Planet?

Elijah: Witches, actually. Anyway, his powers as an Original make him immune to everything except the dagger, and his powers as a werewolf make him immune to the dagger, and we are all well and totally effed… unless we find a particularly powerful Servant of Nature.

Elena Gilbert: So we have to summon Captain Planet.

Elijah: Or Bonnie. Bonnie could help.

Elijah: Hey bro, the witches told me that we totally don’t need to kill Katherine to break the curse.

Klaus: That’s cool. Gonna do it anyway, though.

Elijah: 🙁

Klaus: Oh, and could you go ahead and not warn her about the whole “stabbing her through the heart” thing? Thanks.

Andie Star: You shouldn’t be angry at Stefan, Damon!

Damon Salvatore: You should really go now.

Andie Star: He’s just trying to protect Elena.

Damon Salvatore: You should really go now.

Stefan Salvatore: What, done with your little plaything?

Damon Salvatore: On the bright side, she keeps me from sleeping with your girlfriend.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Well I have one thing you’ll never have!

Damon Salvatore: A vagina?

Stefan Salvatore: I was going to say Elena’s respect, but yours was better.

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire breaking the bookshelf with my brother’s dumb hair powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire squeezing my brother’s shoulders real hard powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I bought someone over for dinner!

Elijah: So, I suppose I can let you all live, if you apologize for murdering me. Twice.

Stefan Salvatore: Super pansy ass kissing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: …aaaaaaaand you people can all go straight to hell.

Andie Star: Hi Damon! I’m mostly naked!

Damon Salvatore: So not a good time.

Andie Star: I love you!

The Fiancee: Is this her fourth episode?

Damon Salvatore: Fangs! Fang fangs fangs fangs fangs!

Andie Star: That went differently in my head!

Damon Salvatore: Life was so much easier when I didn’t give an eff.

Maddox and Friend: Mumble mumble vaguely Latin!

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, thank god that’s over! I feel fantas- Faceplant! nevermind

Klaus: Hi guys!

The Plot: Thickens.