Vampire Diaries – S03E04 – Disturbing Behavior

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’ll just take a casual stroll down… oh hai Katherine!

Damon Salvatore: Are you really going to make chili for the Weekly Founder’s Day party? Everybody makes chili.

Elena Gilbert: Okay smart guy, what would you rather eat?

Damon Salvatore: ….

Elena Gilbert: Besides me.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey I can’t help but notice that you’re acting awfully flirty towards the guy I am just now realizing may have certain moral and character defects.

Damon Salvatore: Don’t be silly, she’s still wearing the Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking, given to her by her one true love, Stefan! See, it’s right here, nestled between her boobies.

The Fiancee: He totally copped a feel just then.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan! I just wanted to ask you if you knew where the Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking was. It didn’t somehow end up around Elena’s neck, did it?

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t worry, I have a foolproof plan!

Katherine Pierce: Oh Jesus this is going to be terrible isn’t it?

Stefan Salvatore: Probably!

Katherine Pierce: Oh by the way stay away from Rebecca! She’s horrible!

Stefan Salvatore: Good to know you still care.

Katherine Pierce: Seriously, I think she has Vampire Chlamydia or something.

Anna: Morning Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Anna!

Anna: OMG you can hear me?!?

Jeremy Gilbert: What are you doing here?

Anna: Please tell me you can hear me!

Jeremy Gilbert: What’s going on?

Anna: I just need to know if you can hear me!

Seven hours later…

Anna: Can you hear me?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yes, I can hear you.

Anna: Ok cool! Also: I’m trapped in purgatory and you’re my only friend. Also also, I watch you in the shower.

Caroline Forbes: Hi everybody! I seem to have forgotten that I was tortured last episode!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi everyone! I’m back from visiting my lame ass relatives!

The Fiancee: Dammit.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! We should go have sex somewhere the ghosts can’t see us!

Bonnie Bennet: Okay! Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: So wait, the Mayor called in your gay ex-husband to torture the vampire out of his own daughter? That’s ironic, isn’t it? Almost like there’s some kind of social commentary being made or something.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Yeah whatever, I’m just keeping him in the dungeon until the vervain is out of his system.

Damon Salvatore: Why can’t we just kill him?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Look, just because I’m playing for Team Vampire now doesn’t mean that I support your lifestyle.

Damon Salvatore: Is that what you told your husband when he left?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Bill! So I hear you’ve been torturing your control freak of a daughter?

Bill Forbes: Eat me.

Damon Salvatore: Okay! Fangs!

Bill Forbes: I really set myself up for that one, didn’t I?

Damon Salvatore: So anyway, what makes you think you can change a person’s inner nature?

Bill Forbes: I believe any mind can be changed if you try hard enough.

Damon Salvatore: I agree! In fact, I love me some mind control. Speaking of… Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Rebecca: Hi Stefan! I’m slutty!

Klaus: Hi Stefan! This witch is broke!

Gloria: Screw you! How am I supposed to summon an ancient dead witch without her ancient magic necklace?

Stefan Salvatore: Necklace what necklace I don’t know anything about a necklace why would you even ask that that’s silly do I look like the kind of guy who wears a necklace?

Caroline Forbes: So I can’t help but notice that you’re making “come fang me eyes” at Damon…

Elena Gilbert: What? No! He’s just teaching me how to cook!

Caroline Forbes: In your underwear?

Elena Gilbert: He said that the sauce wouldn’t come out if we weren’t naked!

Caroline Forbes: …

Elena Gilbert: …oh.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey enough about you let’s talk about my boring family! Being with them was like torture!

Caroline Forbes: I know what you mean! Being with my daddy was also like torture! Because he actually tortured me!

Elena Gilbert: Hey my necklace is on fire!

Bonnie Bennet: Here let me fix it! FIngerzap!

Gloria: “Magic spirits, send a beacon, show me where the necklace is hidden!”

The Fiancee: Maybe Gloria will teach Bonnie to do something useful.

Gloria: Good news, guys! I found the necklace!

Rebecca: Excellent! Just jot down the address, and I’ll get to murderin’.

Gloria: Oh, well I didn’t find it so much as I got a vague impression of the pretty young dark haired girl that’s currently wearing it, and the blonde vampire sitting next to her, and the witch making chili nearby, and-

Stefan Salvatore: Hey is anybody hungry? I bet you’re all hungry! Let’s go murder an innocent!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi girls! I’m going to do an identification spell to figure out what’s going on with your necklace! You keep a look out while I rummage through this fifty pound leather journal!

Caroline Forbes: So Elena, about this whole “sleeping with Damon thing”…

Elena Gilbert: What no I’m not sleeping with Damon I’m sleeping with Stefan because I love Stefan and I love Stefan’s abs and even though Stefan isn’t here I wouldn’t sleep with Damon that would be like cheating even though it would also be totally hot wait what?

Bonnie Bennet: Hey Elena? Does your necklace usually float in the air like this?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! I think you should not sleep with Elena! I’m like her daddy now!

Damon Salvatore: I’ll have her calling me daddy by the end of the week.

Carol Lockwood: Hi boys! The We Hate Vampires club is meeting now!

Rebecca: My girl is dead! I’m bored! Pout!

Klaus: Hi Stefan! You’re extra hungry today!

Stefan Salvatore: It’s been a long day!

Klaus: Try being related to her!

Rebecca: I am not spoiled! Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, I have to go write a name on a wall. TTYL!

Anna: Hi Jeremy! Why don’t you tell Bonnie about me?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because this is supremely fucked up?

Anna: I can kind of see your point. Anyway, every time you say Vicki’s name I see a gathering darkness which is probably a bad sign so you shouldn’t talk to her any more. Also: I can touch you!

The Fiancee: Do. Not. Have. Sex. With. The. Ghost. Nothing good can come from having sex with the ghost.

Gloria: Hi Stefan! So about the Doppelganger being alive and having the Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking…

Stefan Salvatore: Drat! My carefully crafted plan has failed! But why didn’t you tell Klaus?

Gloria: Because fuck Klaus, basically. Also: the necklace is a powerful talisman and I want it to be mine mine mine.

Stefan Salvatore: …No?

Gloria: That’s okay, I’ll just brain-rape you until you give it up. Vervain!

The Fiancee: I like Gloria.

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll never tell you where the necklace is!

Gloria: That’s okay, I can just pump you full of herbs, spices, and vervain, slow-roast you for twenty minutes, and then read your entrails. It’s a witch thing.

Stefan Salvatore: Worst. Day. Ever This. Week.

Carol Lockwood: Well the good news is that there are no more vampires in Mystic Falls! Right Damon?

Damon Salvatore: Yep! No vampires here! And certainly none that can walk in the sunlight! And definitely none that have infiltrated the Council!

Bill Forbes: Hi guys! So… do you think these people are clueless, or just stupid?

Damon Salvatore: …Both?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jeremy! Can you look through this Big Book of Spells and see if it mentions the Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking?

Jeremy Gilbert: But reading is hard! Why don’t you ask the Hundred Dead Witches?

Bonnie Bennet: Because they told me to go fuck myself after I was mostly useless last season. Anyway, how are you?

Jeremy Gilbert: Certainly not being haunted by the ghosts of my dead girlfriends, that’s for sure!

Anna: Hi Jeremy! You know that darkness I was talking about? It’s-

The Big Book of Spell: Explodes.

Anna: -Here.

Bonnie Bennet: I can put out fires with my brain!

Gloria: You have a lot of discipline. It’s kind of impressive, actually. But whatever, let’s have some more torture!

Stefan Salvatore’s Brain: Elena Gilbert, the Doppelganger, currently a resident of Mystic Falls, Virginia, currently has the Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking nestled between her sweet, sweet-

Gloria: Oooookay then.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Gloria! Neckstab!

Gloria: Dies.

The Fiancee: Well fuck.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, anyone know where Damon is?

Caroline Forbes: He’s probably out doing bad things to good people!

Damon Salvatore: Actually, I was talking to your father! Who apparently can’t be compelled! And who is threatening to out me. How ironic is that? Anyway, I’m going to go kill him now.

Alaric Saltzman: I think that’s a bad idea!

Damon Salvatore: Your temporary funeral! Necksnap!

The Fiancee: Why does he still have a mullet?

Katherine Pierce: So I’ve been thinking about your evil plan, and how to make it not suck. Klaus doesn’t trust you, so what you have to do is pretend to like Rebecca better, and make him jealous!

Stefan Salvatore: You mean like you did to me and Damon?

Katherine Pierce: Also, if you learn anything about a legendary vampire hunter that even the unkillable Originals fear, I’d love to chat about it!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry! I have a policy against discussing my plans with people that are smarter than me! It makes me feel inadequate!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I’m hiding from my evil gay daddy!

Tyler Lockwood: Great! Want me to kick his ass for you!

Caroline Forbes: Sure! Right after sexy times!

Caroline Forbes’ Phone: Coitus Interruptus!

Tyler Lockwood: So. Lame.

Caroline Forbes: Don’t worry! I’ll only answer if it’s a friend emergency!

Elena Gilbert (on the Phone): Hi Caroline! I have a friend emergency! And also a kinda-dead history-teacher / father-figure.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Bill! Why didn’t you expose us to the council?

Bill Forbes: What, you think I’m dumb enough to tell those idiots my daughter is a vampire?

Damon Salvatore: I think you’re dumb enough to make me angry.

Bill Forbes: Well I don’ think you’re dumb enough to kill me.

Damon Salvatore: …Wow, you are dumb. And also tasty. Fangs!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, I forgot how good fresh idiot tastes!

Bill Forbes: Are you going to kill everyone that discovers your secret?

Damon Salvatore: Nah, I’m just going to torture you a whole bunch.

Caroline Forbes: Super pissed off Barbiepire Damon snashing powers activate!

Bill Forbes: Hi Caroline! This is unexpected!

Caroline Forbes: Hi daddy! Have some of my tasty healing blood!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Caroline! Have some of my fists!

The Fiancee: Please. Damon is like a zillion times older than her.

Caroline Forbes: Maybe, but I’m angrier! Damon smash! Father rescue!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! You can’t do stuff like this anymore! People will think you’re a monster!

Damon Salvatore: Um, hi, vampire over here. Also, I’m not Stefan and I’m not boring. K thx bye!

Anna: Hi Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! Could you not pop up when I’m with my girlfriend?

Anna: I only pop up when you… pop up, if you know what I mean.

Jeremy Gilbert: Anna No Last Name: I abjure you. I ghost whisper you no longer. I haunt with you no longer. I share ectoplasm with you no longer.

Anna: 🙁

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Bonnie? You remember how I used to date a bunch of vampires? And you remember how I died? And you remember how you brought me back to life? Funny story…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, look! Elijah’s coffin! I wonder if pulling the dagger out would help my cause…

Team Elijah: Doitdoitdoit!

Rebecca: Hi Stefan! I’m here to cockblock Team Elijah!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Hey, on a totally different, completely casual topic, what about that legendary vampire hunter that even an immortal werepire killing machine fears? That sure is a funny story, isn’t it? Tee hee?

Rebecca: I want to talk about a totally different story… like how you love me more than Elena!

Stefan Salvatore: …Smootch?

Rebecca: Hey Klaus? Stefan kisses like a dead fish, and I’m pretty sure that means that he’s going to betray us.

Klaus: In related news, someone appears to have shanked our bar owning wiccan. Neckgrab!

The Fiancee: Poor dead Stefan.

Damon Salvatore: There’s only one thing that can help me cope with all of these asshats. Whiskey!

Alaric Saltzman: Comes back to life.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! There’s only one thing that can help you deal with coming back to life again. Whiskey!

Alaric Saltzman: You killed me. Again.

Damon Salvatore: You pissed me off.

Alaric Saltzman: You’re a dick.

Caroline Forbes: So I won’t say I told you so, but I will say that you’ve been eye-fucking Damon for the last week.

Elena Gilbert: This conversation makes me sad! If I admit that I love Damon, that will mean I’m a bad person.

Team Delena: Fucking explodes.

Caroline Forbes: Oh wait I have to say hi to my evil torture daddy! Hi daddy!

Bill Forbes: Hi Caroline! Thanks for saving my life last night! I learned a valuable lesson about tolerance and humanity and other progressive values! Also: you’re an evil monster who can never be fixed and I don’t want to see you any more. Bye bye!

The Fiancee: Douche douche douche douche.

Alaric Saltzman: So, I was thinking that since Damon’s a vampire, and your daughter is a vampire, and your son is a werewolf, you might want to add a history-teaching, whiskey-slamming, Gilbert-raising human to the Council.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: I don’t know-

Carol Lockwood: There’s really not room-

Alaric Saltzman: Great! See you at the next meeting.

Elena Gilbert: So Bonnie, did you figure out what the necklace is?

Bonnie Bennet: What, this necklace? This necklace right here? No idea. So why don’t you hold on to it until we have a better idea?

Elena Gilbert: Vanishes.

Bonnie Bennet: …I think I have been fooled.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: I will only accept written apologies and/or alcoholic beverages.

Elena GilbertKatherine Pierce: It’s awesome how you fall for this little “I’m Elena Gilbert” routine every time I straighten my hair. Anyway, you feel like a road trip? I have a Magic Necklace of Klaus Blocking I’m looking to pawn.

Damon Salvatore: Lemme get my keys.

Stefan Salvatore: H Klaus! Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Klaus: Stefan? The talking? Can stop now. I’m not angry. Just… curious. So I figured we’d do a little digging into your background. Oh, and we’re also back in Mystic Fallls.

The Plot: Thickens.

There are a few high points in this episode for me:

I’m glad that they hung a lampshade on the whole Big Gay Menace thing. Mostly because it will (hopefully) stop all of the people screaming about how they “forgot Bill Forbes is gay.”

I’m also glad that Bill Forbes didn’t learn a valuable lesson about love and tolerance at the end. The fact that he’s still a bigot rings much more true to life. And besides, like Alaric pointed out, we already have enough vampire-hunters-turned-loving-parents on this show.

Speaking of Alaric, his presence on the council kind of setting the stage for a meet-and-greet with the humans, vampires, werewolves, and witches. Kind of a UNited Nations for the supernatural. Which I hope they don’t do, because that’s myplan for the third or fourth book in the series I’m working on. Dammit.

Katherine is back, and Katherine is awesome. I laughed out loud when she stabbed Gloria in the neck. She has also apparently developed the power of teleportation, and is able to skip from Chicago to Virginia over a commercial break.

And It’s interesting that a human can resist compulsion even without the benefits of vervain, and that Damon’s technique is amateur hours. I hope that they delve into this more deeply.

But Damon’s mind-whammy isn’t the only thing on the fritz this week. Apparently Steve Jobs took his Reality Distortion Field with him when he died, because everyone suddenly realized Damon is evil. I mean, they’ve been palling around with him for the last ~mumble mumble period of time mumble~ and suddenly everyone is all “Elena, no! He does bad things to good people and eats your wives and breaks your history teacher’s neck and is rude to your estranged father who tortured you less than twenty-four hours ago!”

Otherwise, this episode felt like one big cock-block.

Elena kinda-sorta admitted she has a thing for Damon, causing millions of simultaneous orgasms and an equal number of remotes to be thrown at televisions, but then Damon skipped town with the Nina Dobrev’s better character. And Stefan came back to Mystic Falls, where I’m sure he will trade no longing stares or meaningful gazes with Elena Gilbert.

We also got zero payoff from all of the awesomeness of last week’s episode. No payoff from him having his memories of Klaus back, and no payoff from his (smoking hot) chemistry with Rebecca. I wanted to see Stefan really, truly tempted to the dark side by these two, but it looks like they’re already starting a redemption arc.

The only reason that doesn’t bother me is…

SPOILERS GO AWAY SPOILERS

Julie Plec has said that we will see Stefan completely flip the switch this season, so I think that this is more of a false face turn, rather than a real redemption arc. I still expect to see Stefan, Klaus, and Rebecca doing the most delightfully evil things in the weeks to come, which makes this episode more of a tease than anything else.