Vampire Diaries – S03E06 – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Alaric Saltzman: And then the pressure from your punch ejects the stakes right into the vampire’s heart!

Elena Gilbert: …Mine doesn’t work.

Alaric Saltzman: That’s because you’re too weak!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, I get it! That’s like a metaphor for how I’m not emotionally strong enough to fight Stefan!

Alaric Saltzman: No. Well, yes, But no, I mean you’re a ninety pound girl, and you need to lift weighs. Also: vervain grenade!

The Lady of the Manor: Elena’s growing femballs!

Bonnie Bennet: My boyfriend is spending all of his time with his dead girlfriends!

Caroline Forbes: My vampire werewolf hybrid boyfriend is Klaus’ bitch!

Elena Gilbert: Today’s my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend, who went on a six month long murder spree, leaving a trail of bodies up and down the East Coast, got compelled into switching off his humanity, and is staying in town for the sole purpose of keeping me alive so that an even more evil vampire can use me as a walking blood bank when he wants to make more unstoppable murder machines.

Caroline Forbes: …You win.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! You got sorority sister all over my good carpets!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait till you see what I did to your sheets!

Rebekah: Hi boys! Klaus ditched me so I’m staying here now! Don’t worry, I’ll find my own room!

Damon Salvatore: …This whole “intruding on other people’s lives and making them miserable” is a lot more fun when I’m doing it.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! You’re avoiding me!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jeremy! Maybe we can hang out again when you aren’t sexing your dead girlfriends!

Vicki Donovan: Hi Matt! Would you like to help me do some black magic?

Matt Donovan: I remember when my life was normal.

Tyler Lockwood: You talk to yourself! You’re funny!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Katherine! I need you to hurry up and revive Mikael so he can kill Klaus so I can fix Stefan so my carpets won’t get ruined!

Katherine Pierce (on the phone): You’re in luck! A hapless victim just wandered by!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Elena! My brilliant plan of running straight at Klaus without a plan has had an unforeseen consequence! I have a Babriepire living with me!

Elena Gilbert: What about Stefan? Is he doing anything interesting?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hey was that the bell? Don’t wanna be late for class!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I know what will cheer you up! A school spirit bonfire! Which is in no way endorsed by the school, despite the flyers I’m hanging up all over the place, and which will feature plenty of illegal boozing!

Tyler Lockwood: That sounds great! Almost as great as the fact that I’m an unkillable death dervish that’s dating a hot blond and getting the blood hookup from another hot blond!

Caroline Forbes: Is not amused.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Remember how we met in this very spot one year ago today? Things sure have changed!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Stefan! I think you should GTFO of here!

The Lady of the Manor: Um, Alaric? He’s a vampire, and you’re a drunk.

Stefan Salvatore: She’s right! Wallshove!

Alaric Saltzman: Pout.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I’m going to tell you some stuff you should already know, in case anyone was confused by the last episode!

Alaric Saltzman: I’m going to pretend to be a responsible adult with a grown-up job!

Stefan Salvatore: I watched the last history teacher die!

Rebekah: I slept through the last eighty years! I hope you can help me catch up on current events!

Matt Donovan: Hi Vicki! I’m unclear on this whole “helping you come back from the dead” thing!

Vicki Donovan: It’s real simple! You just have to help me commit a bunch of murders!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Matt! Hi Matt’s sister, who I totally don’t see!

Jeremy Gilbert: So yeah, Matt can see Vicki now.

Anna: I sure hope she isn’t planning something unspeakably evil!

Rebekah: Hi Caroline! I’m going to slowly dismantle your life!

The Coach: Hi guys! I’m going to run you into the ground!

Tyler Lockwood: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

The Coach: See you later guys! Have fun getting drunk at the bonfire!

Rebekah: I can do endless handsprings whee!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’ve been assigned to protect you! I watched a bunch of Lifetime movies about abusive boyfriends to prepare for my role!

The Lady of the Manor: Rebekah is surprisingly limber after spending eighty years in a box.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Mikael! I brought you a snack!

Mikael: I shall not sully these lips with the blood of a human being!

Katherine Pierce: …Everyone I know is lame.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Buffy!

Elena Gilbert: I lift weights now!

Damon Salvatore: I can show you the way to a vampire’s heart!

Elena Gilbert: I need a cold shower!

Team Delena: Agrees.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I have a plan!

Alaric Saltzman: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: I want to lure Stefan to a secluded area, shoot him full of vervain, chain him up, lock him in a dungeon, and keep him there until he isn’t addicted to blood anymore!

Alaric Saltzman: That’s.. actually a good plan. Are you feeling all right?

Bonnie Bennet: What’s my part?

Elena Gilbert: Go away and let the adults handle things!

Damon Salvatore: What’s my part?

Elena Gilbert: Make sexy eyes at Rebekah!

Tyler Lockwood: What’s my part?

Elena Gilbert: Raid your mother’s vervain supply so we can capture Stefan!

Tyler Lockwood: …Oh. I was hoping my part would be more like “do whatever Klaus wants because Klaus made me a werepire and Klaus is awesome and I love Klaus and also Klaus Klaus Klaus!”

Damon Salvatore: This problem can easily be solved with violence!

The Lady of the Manor: Oh, sure, now there’s a bond between Sire and… whatever a baby vampire is called. But not between Damon and Caroline, oh no! “It’s really really rare!” </handwave>

Rebekah: Hi Stefan! I want to do sex to Tyler!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Rebecca! I’m an emotional void and your lack of affection means nothing to me!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Damon taught me how to drink! Whiskey Cheap Beer!

Vicki Donovan: Hi Matt! All you have to do is cut your hand open, bleed on a photograph of the two of us, sign over your soul to Beelzebub, and swear to be my best friend forever!

Matt Donovan: None of this raises any questions!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I just talked to my dead girlfriend Anna about my dead girlfriend Vicki who’s working with a dead ancient witch!

Bonnie Bennet: …Okay, I’m going to go clean up your mess. I might not be useless this season!

Vicki Donovan: Thanks Matt! I’m going to kill Elena now!

Matt Donovan: Wait, that’s not-

Vicki Donovan: Facewrench!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m going to stare at you creepily!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’m going to shotgun another beer! Whee!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m going to make sexy eyes at Rebekah!

Elena Gilbert: That makes me unhappy!

Team Delena: That makes us excited!

Matt Donovan (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! I may have just committed an unpardonable sin!

Bonnie Bennet: Don’t worry, I’ll fix it! Just let me gather up three hundred pounds of candles!

Rebekah: Hi Damon! I see through your clever distraction! Gutstake!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I don’t like the way you’re behaving! So I’m giving you an ultimatum! Klaus or Boobie!

Tyler Lockwood: 🙁

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’m so drunk I’m going to fall to my death!

Stefan Salvatore: Super ripper saving Elena’s dumb ass powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Thanks Stefan! Say, could you move slightly to the right? Onto that big, red X? Sweet, thanks!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Stefan! Vervaingun!

Alaric Saltzman: I’ll load Stefan into the trunk!

Elena Gilbert: I’ll climb into the front seat!

Vicki Donovan: I’ll magic the doors shut and blow the car up with my brain cigarette (and a can of gas)!

The Lady of the Manor: She came back from the dead just to get lung cancer?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Matt! I Binged a “send your dead sister back to hell” spell! All I need is blood from your hand!

Matt Donovan: …I wish people would stop cutting me.

Vicki Donovan: I wish people would stop banishing me to the abyss!

Elena Gilbert: Quick, Alaric, help me drag Stefan to Safety!

Alaric Saltzman: Boy, it sure is a good thing that my Product Placement Fiat comes equipped with a Main Character Proximity Detector! It’s guaranteed not to explode until we’re exactly fifteen feet away!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! You did a really good job of making sexy eyes at Rebekah!

Damon Salvatore: I thought you were too drunk to notice!

Elena Gilbert: I was faking!

Damon Salvatore: So was I!

Team Delena: Fucking explodes.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! I’m going to take you home now! On my bicycle! Because my car exploded.

Caroline Forbes: Bye Tyler! Thanks for all the sex!

Rebekah: Hi Tyler! I’m here to tempt you!

Tyler Lockwood: But Caroline told me I had to choose between Klaus and Boobies! And I love Boobies!

Rebekah: I have Klaus and Boobies! And victims!

Tyler Lockwood: <3 :-)= <3

Mikael: Hi Katherine! You should set me free now! I promise that it’s a good idea!

Katherine Pierce: Sure thing! I was hoping you could help me kill Klaus, but not if you don’t drink blood!

Mikael: I don’t drink humanblood! Only vampire!

Katherine Pierce: …Poop.

The Lady of the Manor: Daaaaaaaaaaamn.

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! You saved my life even though I’ve been a bastard!

Elena Gilbert: I <3 you Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: …You really are an idiot, aren’t you?

Elena Gilbert: No I’m not! I’m a weightlifter! I have metaphorical punching stakes! I’m strong!

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! I really wish you would call me back! I miss having sex!

Anna: Speaking of sex, I’m suddenly semi-corporeal!

The Lady of the Manor: Do. Not. Sex. The. Ghost. Do not sex the ghost. Do not sex the ghost!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! I seem to have stumbled onto a veil between the worlds!

The Plot: Thickens.

This show is amazingly tight.

This season (which is only six episodes old?) has had two main plots: Elena / Klaus / Stefan, and The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

Tonight, we learned that they’re really one storyline.

The Original Witch (who will probably be the real Big Bad of the season) is trying to claw her way back into our world. And to do it, she tried to enlist Jeremy’s dead girlfriend, ordering her to kill Elena, which will prevent Klaus from making more werepires.

Before tonight, the GoGP storyline felt like filler. Well-done filler, unobtrusive filler, but filler. After tonight, we know that all of this was really key to the main plotline all along.

Compare that to True Blood, which burned through half of the season on a story about the Ghost of Emily Bennet and a Devil Baby and a psychic Lafayette. It was insufferably boring, and it went nowhere. It didn’t impact the main storyline at all. It just ate up valuable time.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: writers need to study TVD’s plotting. It’s a Master’s class. This really is the best show on television.

I also loved the way this harkened back to Season One, and the way the roles have been reversed. Damon is getting a taste of his own medicine, and the chance to be the hero. And not a crazy anti-hero, but an honest good guy. And Stefan? Stefan is amazing when he’s being bad.

Finally, Bonnie. Guys? I really don’t hate Bonnie any more. I’m not going to build a shrine to her or anything, but the way she acted in this episode was solid.

She’s angry / hurt / betrayed that Jeremy is spending all kinds of time with (the ghosts of) his (dead) ex-girlfriends, which is totally understandable. But she didn’t spend an eternity wining about it, she confronted him about it. And when it came time to do what needed to be done? Bonnie was really the one who saved the day. She didn’t go digging for glory – pretty much no one knows that she saved the day this week – and she didn’t fuck it up. This is a Bonnie I could get used to.

And finally… the Good Elena is back! No more suicidal plans! No more moping! No more pining! Just sacking up and doing what needs to be done, no matter how hard it might be. This is the Elena I want to see. This is the Elena that’s a good role model for tiny females. Welcome back, Real!Elena. I can only assume that the lame character played by Nina Dobrev for most of last season was a third Doppelganger, pretending to be you. And failing. Miserably.

This show has fixed pretty much every problem I’ve ever had with it. The only thing remaining is to…

#PullTheDaggerOut #OfElijah