Vampire Diaries – S03E11 – Our Town

Elena Gilbert: Punch! Kick! Stab!

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, you sure have a lot of pent-up frustration to work out!

Elena Gilbert: What do you mean did I kiss Damon no I didn’t kiss Damon I would never kiss Damon Damon is evil and gross and so so hot but no bad Elena that’s wrong and dirty and you’re a dirty girl aren’t you oh yes you are but no you’re good and pure and in love with Stefan and Stefan’s abs but Damon has abs too and now I’m all confused!

Alaric Saltzman: …Well, I’m going to go take Jeremy to the airport. You know, since you mind-raped him via proxy into thinking Denver is the new hotness.

Elena Gilbert: Great But could you put some pants on first? Pants would be great right now.

Bonnie Bennet: “To be useful, this I’m hopin’, so I’ll magic this coffin open!”

The Magic Coffin of Not Opening: Innocent whistle.

The Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches: “Klaus’ hybrids will ruin out fun, so the vision of these coffins we will surely shun!”

Bonnie Bennet: Well, these dead hos seem pretty useless in the “opening magic” department, but at least they’ll protect me from this werepire. Right, guys? Guys?

Stefan Salvatore: And you didn’t tell Elena about the coffins, right?

Damon Salvatore: Of course not! Although if you really want to keep their location a secret, I’m not sure why you didn’t just FedEx them to random spots around the world, and then kill or mind-whammy everyone who knows there whereabouts.

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, don’t be silly! We wouldn’t have a season-long arc without a McGuffin! Besides, I might need to-

Billy the Temporary Werepire: Grrr!

Damon Salvatore: Lazy Damon this isn’t even hard anymore so I’ll just casually remove his heart and toss it on the ground powers activate!

Season Three Heart-Rip-O-Meter: 3

The Lady of the Manor: I love it when he rips their hearts out!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! Sorry I’m late, but I got all caught up practicing spells that have absolutely nothing to do with the Klauskin Stefan stole and stashed in the Home for Immolated Wiccans!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I’m decorating for Caroline’s birthday! Do you like this? It’s a guy that looks like he’s naked, but when you open the card, it turns out he’s really bleeding profusely from several mouth-shaped puncture wounds!

Bonnie Bennet: You need to hang out with vampires less.

Elena Gilbert: Speaking of vampires, I had one of my pet vampires mind-whammy my brother into leaving town so that Klaus won’t murder him to death! And I know you two haven’t really settled the whole “I walked in on you kissing your dead ex-girlfriend” thing so I was thinking-

Bonnie Bennet: You’d give me a chance to say goodbye?

Elena Gilbert: Well, no, I was going to have Damon mind-whammy him into forgetting Anna and Vicki were ever cast members, and being totally subservient to your every whim, and getting down on all fours and barking like a dog every time someone says the word “cornhole”, but I guess your idea works, too.

Stefan Salvatore: So yeah, the Magic Coffin of Not Opening still won’t open.

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Well have you tried … sudden and brutal violence!?!?

The Lady of the Manor: That’s my first reaction when I can’t open something. #shovelstab

Stefan Salvatore: Actually, yeah, that’s kind of my thing now. I used a shovel, a flamethrower, a rocket launcher, and even a big rock. The fourth coffin still won’t open.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, what’s up with this fourth coffin? I mean, everyone knows that there Klaus had six siblings originally (see what I did there?), and that one of them died in Europe, and another one died in Virginia, where vikings totally had a settlement shut up yes we do know history. That leaves four siblings: Rebekah, who is with Klaus, Elijah, who we’re going to cock-tease the audience with forever, and two unnamed but probably blond vampires … so who’s in this extra coffin?

Stefan Salvatore: Beats me, but it’s probably not a monster even more dangerous and evil than Klaus himself, and we’re certainly not going to regret opening this coffin and turning him-her-or-it lose on Mystic Falls! Anyway, I’ve been thinking that it’s a really dumb idea to have Klaus’ hybrids wandering around the same town I “hid” all of the coffins, so …

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll call UPS and ask if they have a Frequent Funereal discount.

Stefan Salvatore: … Yeah, that just sounds like a lot of work. I’d rather keep poking Klaus with a sharp stick until he agrees to send the hybrids away.

Damon Salvatore: Seriously, can we all have a discussion about how often I have to be the voice of reason these days? When the hell did that happen?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jeremy! Thanks for skipping town without saying goodbye!

Jeremy Gilbert: Durr I think it’ll be a good thing for me to leave town at least until this whole Klaus thing blows over durr!

Bonnie Bennet: …Cornhole.

Jeremy Gilbert: Woof!

The Lady of the Manor: Yay Caroline!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I wanted to apologize to you, but the music tells me that it’s all over, so instead I think I’ll just break up with you! But don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s me. Specifically, I’m riding Klaus’ jock so hard that I would gladly rip out your throat and chug you like a Heisler if he asked me to. But I did remember your birthday, and I wanted to give you this crappy five-dollar charm bracelet that I stole off a girl waiting for the school bus! I really hope no one gives you a much prettier, way more expensive bracelet latter in the episode! Boy would that be embarrassing!

The Lady of the Manor: …Goodbye Caroline.

Klaus: Hi Stefan! I’m kind of sad that you don’t want to be my buddy anymore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! I’m kind of sad that you mind-whammied me, taking away my memories and my free will! I mean, what kind of a douche would do that to a person?

Klaus: You know what? You’re right! It would be totally evil and just plain rude! I mean, only the most callous, shortsighted, privileged kind of person would do that to their brother best friend!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m glad we see eye to eye! Anyway, I want all of your werepires out of Mystic Falls, or I’m going to start murdering them and misplacing your siblings.

Klaus: Riiiiight, like you’d risk me murdering Damon and Elena and … whatever the rest of their names are just to get rid of my hybrid army.

Mindy the Werepire: Hi guys! Rebekah’s in the cellar and the blood’s in the wine chiller! Anything else I can-

Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan cutting off Mindy’s words and head with a hacksaw powers activate!

Klaus: Well shit.

The Lady of the Manor: ALL the puffy hearts to Evil!Stefan <3<3<3 #TVD

Elena Gilbert, Bonnie Bennet, and Matt Donovan: Surprise!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire being really startled and fanging out and murdering three of my best friends powers wait, what? We’re not ending the show like that? Okay then. Pout.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! It’s your birthday and I love birthdays and I love you and we decorated your locker but then we realized duh Caroline doesn’t go to school in fact we don’t go to school how did we even get here shouldn’t we be out drinking and then I thought hey Caroline likes to get drunk and it’s still her birthday so we should bring her birthday tequila!

Caroline Forbes: Thanks, guys, but this whole “breaking up with my boyfriend” thing, mixed in with the whole “oh by the way I technically died at the beginning of last season” thing has kind of cramped my party style.

Elena Gilbert: Dress warm! I wanna makes s’mores!

Caroline Forbes: You really have no respect for other people’s choices, do you?

Elena Gilbert: What’s a choice? Is that like when people do exactly what I want because I’m the bestest person in the world (and because I have pet vampires that can make them)? Because if it is, choices are awesome!

Klaus: Hi Tyler! Stefan killed one of my werepires, and I need you to nom on Caroline as retaliation!

Tyler Lockwood: No! I would never hurt Caroline! She’s the sunshine in my tanning booth! The wind beneath my kilt! The Siskel to my Ebert!

Klaus: That’s an apt comparison, since Siskel is dead, and Caroline will be, too, after you bite her.

Tyler Lockwood: Never! I mean, unless I happen to nibble on her later tonight. But what are the odds of that?

Damon Salvatore: So yeah, Stefan’s gone off the reservation, and I’m not sure how far he’s willing to go. Even worse, I won’t know until someone dies.

Alaric Saltzman: Wait wait wait, since when did you care about who lives and who dies?

Damon Salvatore: Since it started looking like keeping you idiots alive was going to get me into Elena’s pants.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh right, the old “redemption via vagina” plot. Anyway, why are we going to another stupid town party?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, these are all just covers for The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council meetings. You didn’t really think this town had nothing better to do except dress up in civil war costumes and project Gone With The Wind onto the sides of buildings, did you?

Alaric Saltzman: …Why do they even need a cover story?

Damon Salvatore: Oh right, like anyone would buy a bunch of rich, white people from rich, white families hanging out with a bunch of other rich, white landowners. Please.

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, so why exactly are we in a sepulcher?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, I just wanted to throw a funeral for Caroline. That way she can quit moping and start drinking!

Bonnie Bennet: You are-

Matt Donovan: -The creepiest-

Caroline Forbes: -Bitch in the world.

Elena Gilbert: I brought cake! And candles!

The Lady of the Manor: If bonnie doesn’t light those with her brain…

Bonnie Bennet: I can light birthday candles with my brain!

The Lady of the Manor: Called it.

Alaric Saltzman: So what’s the cover story for this meeting?

Damon Salvatore: You know that bridge where Elena’s parents died? Well they’ve decided, several years after the fact, to repair it.

Alaric Saltzman: Kind of a kick in the pants, isn’t it? Like, yeah, two beloved members of the community died here, but we won’t repair Brainsmash Bridge until we need a cover story for a fundraiser?

Damon Salvatore: Eh, this place is used to losing beloved members of the community. Speaking of, here comes your new romanitc interest.

Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! Glad to see you haven’t been eaten by the vampires that totally live in this town!

Klaus: Hi Damon! I was just chatting with the Mayor about how awesome and rich and handsome and British I am! And about how I saved her son from a lifetime of painful, monthly transmogrifications!

Carol Lockwood: I love Klaus! Team Klaus all the way! Gimme a K! Gimme a L! Gimme a A! Gimme a U! Gimme a S! What’s that spell? The name of the guy I hope to be doing sex to soon!

Damon Salvatore: …You’re kind of a stupid cow, aren’t you?

Caroline Forbes (via text message): Hi Tyler! I’m drunk and not really in control of myself! I mean, if you were to show up, who knows what would happen to my panties? Tee hee!

Elena Gilbert: I don’t think bringing Tyler into this is a good idea!

Bonnie Bennet: I don’t think making everyone do what you want is a good idea, either! Like, for instance, the way you mind-whammied your brother into leaving town before we had a chance to have hot angry makeup sex!

Elena Gilbert: What? He totally chose to obey Damon mind-whammy! And if he didn’t want to, all he’d have to do is stab himself in the stomach with a wooden stake until the compulsion wore off!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Damon! Not to be a downer, but Klaus kind of has a point about your brother decapitating people left and right, and innocent people getting caught in the crossfire.

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on, you’re on Team Klaus, too?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: What? No! They were just giving out Team Klaus jerseys at the Council meeting, and tonight is laundry night, and I was all out of clean clothes!

Brian the Short Lived Extra: Hi Meredith! I’m going to be abusive and controlling right now!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Brian! I’m going to be macho and protecting right now!

Meredith Fell: Hi guys! I’m going to take over Brian’s role as “guy who signs off on all the Murdered by Rabid Opposum death certificates in town!” once he dies!

Stefan Salvatore: Why look, someone left a butcher knife laying around! And someone left a hybrid wandering about! I wonder what would happen if I mixed the two? Gutstab!

Damon Salvatore: Um, Stefan? Could we go ahead and not leave corpses laying around the Founder’s party?

Stefan Salvatore: I have considered your position, and decided to gutstab!

Damon Salvatore: And what do you think Klaus will do if you kill this guy?

Stefan Salvatore: Gutstab!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t you think there are ten more? Or that he’ll make ten more? And how about the fact that Elena is the only way he can make more?

Stefan Salvatore: Gutstab!

Damon Salvatore: You can’tand I can’t believe I’m saying thisyou can’t just run around murdering everyone that upsets you! To beat Klaus, you have to be smarter than Klaus!

Stefan Salvatore: No, to beat a villain, you have to be a better villain. Gutstab!

Sammy the Werepire: Little help here?

Tyler Lockwood: Hi guys! Sorry to crash the party, but, well, I’m going to crash the party.

Caroline Forbes: Why yes, you can have my underwear!

Tyler Lockwood: Thanks! Om nom nom nom nom!

The Lady of the Manor: do not fucking bite Caroline. #Douchepuppy.

Caroline Forbes: Wait a second … werepire noms are fatal to barbiepires! :-(=

Tyler Lockwood: :-(=

Elena Gilbert: You think I did the right thing, right Matt? I mean, I couldn’t just leave Jeremy here to get picked off my one of Klaus’ werepires, right? I was totally justified in having Damon mind-whammy him, right?

Matt Donovan: If I say yes, will you take your clothes off?

Elena Gilbert: No, but I will get your hopes up and act all flirty.

Matt Donovan: That’s great! I mean, it’s been forever since I’ve even been in an episode, let alone had some dialog! And I haven’t even broken an arm, had my throat torn open, or suffered from a-

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire wall smash powers activate!

Matt Donovan: Concussion.

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Elena! So about us making out last night … I just wanted to say-

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Damon! I’ve been doing some thinking, and you’re right! Elena is the only way Klaus can make more werepires, and that’s just not fair! So I’ll just turn her into a vampire and solve everyone’s problems! You know, except for Elena’s “I don’t want to be a vampire” problem, and Elena’s friends’ “I don’t want to be murdered by a vengeful Klaus” problem. But those are kind of trivial, right?

Elena Gilbert: Poop.

Damon Salvatore: Poop.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Klaus! Just got off the phone with Stefan, and a wacky thing happened! He threatened to turn Elena into a vampire to prevent you from making any more abominations!

Klaus: Please. Stefan is all “I wuv you” and “I want to kiss you” and “I think you’re pretty” with Elena. There’s no way he’d-

Damon Salvatore: Turn her into an immortal beauty that is horny all the time and has dubious notions of morality, propriety, or anatomical probability?

Klaus: …Poop.

Matt Donovan: Hi Sheriff Forbes! Tyler bit Caroline, and now she’s gonna die!

Caroline Forbes: My birthday sucks!

Elena Gilbert: Okay Stefan, what’s the big plan? ‘Cause we all know this whole “turn me into a vampire thing” is just a bluff-

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire force feeding Elena my blood powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Why are the Salvatore brothers always forcing their bodily fluids down my throat?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hey Klaus! Let’s play chicken! And by “chicken” I mean you make a promise I’ll have no way of enforcing, to whit the removal of your hybrids from my town, and in exchange I won’t drive Elena off the bridge that murdered her parents!

Elena Gilbert: Stop! Stop! Stopstopstopstopstop!

Klaus: Stop it! Stop it! Stopitstopitstopit!

Stefan Salvatore: Eh, okay. Brakes.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, so threatening to kill me on the same bridge that murdered my parents? Dick move, bro.

Stefan Salvatore: That was a great bluff, right? I can’t believe he fell for the old “murder your girlfriend so your arch nemesis can’t have her” ruse! What an amateur!

Elena Gilbert: You are going to be so disappointed when Damon comforts me with his penis.

Klaus: Hi Matt! Even though this is all my fault, I dropped by to play the hero! And all I ask in exchange is a few new members of Team Say No To Stefan!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Okay! Come on in!

Klaus: Hi Caroine! :-)=

Caroline Forbes: Really? I’m not dying fast enough, so you came over here to finish me off?

Klaus: On your birthday? You really think I’m that much of a jerk?

Caroline Forbes: Well, yeah.

Klaus: Well, I suppose I could let you die. On the other hand, I could tell you a little bit about myself. I could tell you how I’ve grown tired of this world, and how I’ve thought about ending it all. But I could also tell you about why I keep going. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. Great cities and art and music. Genuine beauty. And you can have all of it. You can have a thousand more birthdays. And all you have to do is ask. And suckle my wrist for a little bit.

Caroline Forbes: Nom nom nom tasty original vampire nom!

@DiesLaughing: CARAUSING!

Team Carausing: Forms pretty much ex nihilo, immediately explodes.

The Lady of the Manor: Other possibilities: Team Klausoline. Team Carolaus. Team Blond And Gorgeous.

Elena Gilbert: Thanks for picking me up, Damon! But about that kiss …

Thomas: Do it do it do it! Again again again!

Elena Gilbert: You can’t kiss me again!

Thomas: Yes you can!

Damon Salvatore: Not right now!

Thomas: Yes now!

Elena Gilbert: Goodnight!

Thomas: No you get back there and smootch him!

Damon Salvatore: See you later!

Thomas: Smootchtease!

The Lady of the Manor: Dude, hit that while she’s vulnerable.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jeremy! Have fun in mindrapeistan!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wait, what?

Klaus (in a letter): Dear Caroline, I saw the sorry excuse for a trinket Tyler gifted you, and would like to comment that it is an insult that a beauty such as yours be rewarded with such a paltry bauble. In that light, I have seen fit to offer you one of the smaller pieces of jewelry I have come across over the centuries, which, if such a piece were actually available for purchase, would sell for a mere eleventy billion dollars. -XOXO Klaus

Caroline Forbes’ Heart: Wibble.

Team Carausing: Explodes. Again.

The Lady of the Manor: If she gets werepregnant, what will those babies be?

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! I came over to give you a funeral for your normal life, just like you did for Caroline!

Elena Gilbert: Thanks Matt!

Matt Donovan: 🙂

Elena Gilbert: But you’re still not getting into my pants.

Matt Donovan: 🙁

Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! You’re a drunk too? That’s awesome! So what’s your story?

The Lady Alaric don’t need no excuse to drink whiskey for breakfast, bitch.

Alaric Saltzman: 🙂

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Damon! You know that guy who used to date Meredith Fell, and who was acting lik a douche until Alaric chased him off? Well someone jammed a stake through his heart!

Damon Salvatore: But … he’s not a vampire.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: I know! It’s Mystic Falls’ first non-supernatural murder in a quarter of a century! This is so exciting! I don’t think we even have coroner’s formers that don’t say “mauled by squirrel” anymore!

The Plot: Thickens.

Let’s start with the hybrids. Wow have they been emasculated. When Tyler was first turned, I figured he was going to be the second-most powerful character on the show. But it turns out the Hybrids aren’t really any more difficult for the Salvatores to take down than any other mook … especially since their key weaknesses are the Salvatores’ go-to method of mayhem. The bite is still fatal, but that hasn’t really been emphasized. All in all, I wish they had played up the hybrid danger a little more.

I did think it was interesting that Tyler was able to resist Klaus’ compulsion … for a little while. I really, really don’t want this to turn into a religious metaphor, but I can see parallels between religious indoctrination and Tyler’s “oops I did it again” moment … religion can worm its way into your brain, and influence behavior even after you think you’ve kicked the habit.

I’m glad Elena got called out on brain-raping her brother. And it was nice that Bonnie has something to do besides serve as the Magic Negro. And since I’m feeling charitable, I’ll ignore the fact that she did essentially the same thing to Luke a few months ago.

Stefan continues to be awesome. Everyone that said he was all talk and no action was kindly asked to sit down and watch the carnage, and it’s so exciting to see that the writers aren’t so afraid of tarnishing his image that they never let him cross a line. Threatening to turn Elena, which she has already said she doesn’t want, and doing it in the same way her parents died? That is stone-goddamn-cold, and it was thrilling to watch.

I didn’t like the whole funeral thing. I didn’t like the execution, and I didn’t like the message. To me, one of the important things about a show like this is watching the characters change, but not lose sight of who they really are. Buffy had to up her game continually over the course of seven seasons, but at the end of it she was still (usually) a bright, cheerful, flippant girl. She was exposed to shattering things … but she never allowed herself to be shattered.

I feel like this episode lost sight of that, lost sight of the strength of the human spirit. I don’t think these shows should be about how terrible things destroy you, I think they should be able how you overcome the terrible things that try to destroy you. And usually, that’s what TVD is.

Klaus is evil, he was evil this entire episode, and he’ll still be evil in the morning. But the scene between him and Caroline was white-hot, and even the music was played to make Klaus seem like the knight in shining armor. Sure, he created the situation that put Caroline in danger, but he’s also the only one who solved any problems this week. Add that to his pledge to protect the town if they’ll look the other way shades of Sons of Anarchy and I’m starting to wonder if Team Elena might not need Klaus to take down Stefan at the end of the season.

It would fit the TVD Big-Bad pattern. Damon? Katherine? Elijah? All of them quasi-redeemed in order to take on an even bigger threat. Having Stefan be the Big Bad of Season Three would allow Klaus to stick around which pretty much everyone is demanding and allow Stefan to undergo his own redemption arc when the even-bigger bad inevitably rolls around.

Of course, if there’s anything the TVD writers have taught us, it’s that when we try and guess what they’re going to do, we’re probably talking out of our asses.