Vampire Diaries – S03E12 – The Tie That Binds

Bonnie Bennet: This is less than ideal! But at least I can use my magic to get out of this fix! “Though success is mostly a stranger, magic get me out of danger!”

The Magic Coffin of Not Opening: Doesn’t open.

Bonnie Bennet: Poop.

Abby Bennet Wilson: Hi Bonnie! For some reason the spirits of a hundred dead witches are sending you on a useless quest that will put you in danger and give Klaus exactly what he wants! If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were trying to get rid of you!

Bonnie Bennet: Mommy!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! Stefan swore me to secrecy and made me promise to never ever tell you where the coffins were, but I’ve been having really bad dreams and last week I learned that bad dreams get better when you don’t ignore them so I figured the best way to get a solid night’s sleep would be to tell you all of our plans!

Elena Gilbert: Great! Hold on, just let me check in to FourSquare!

Elena Gilbert’s FourSquare: Elena Gilbert checked in to The Super Secret Hiding Spot for Klaus’ Daggered Siblings, 123 Fourth Street, Mystic Falls, VA.

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I asked the Sheriff to hunt down every single Abby Bennet in the country! And since everyone in this town does exactly what I tell them to, she said yes!

Bonnie Bennet: Thanks Elena! Your talent for manipulation came in really useful this week!

Damon Salvatore: You want to talk about manipulation? All I have to do is loook in to someones eeeeys and they’re all like “sure Damon anything you want Damon here’s Abby’s address Damon and her social security number and her driver’s license and her finger prints and her bank accounts and please bite me you’re so handsome and dashing and cool!” So let’s go on a road trip!

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! Bonnie is going to meet her mother for the first time in fifteen years, and this situation is delicate and gentle and fluffy and you’re rash and sarcastic and cut oh yeah baby your abs are so cut let me see you abs no I mean I’m a good girl and you’re a bad boy and we can’t kiss again that would be wrong!

Bonnie Bennet: o_0

The Lady of the Manor: Wait, Bonnie has a mother? Is Bonnie getting a plot line?

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Sorry about almost murdering you last week! But I have a great plan to fix this whole Sire-bond thing!

Caroline Forbes: Great! What are you-

Tyler Lockwood: I invited your vampire-hating, werewolf loathing, torture-obsessed father over for diner! And bondage!

Caroline Forbes: Why does my life always suck?

Neville the Corgi: Something about that boy intrigues me!

Alaric Saltzman: Thanks for having lunch with me Meredith! But I’m really worried about falling into the friend zone, and my penis is really worried about never meeting your lady bits, so maybe next time we could do dinner instead!

Meredith Fell: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! Who’s the hot girl?

Alaric Saltzman: That’s Doctor Fell! Her ex says she’s a complete psycho, and you know what that means … she’s gonna be a tiger in the sack!

Damon Salvatore: Speaking of psycho, do you think she might be the kind of girl who would drive a stake into a guy’s chest and leave him laying in the woods?

Alaric Saltzman: Why do you say that?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no reason.

Klaus: Hi Stefan! My hybrids have all left town, so I want to know what I have to do to get my family back!

Stefan Salvatore: Well, you could try pissing off and calling again in a few years! And if you make one move, I’ll-

Klaus: Okay, son, this whole “crazy Stefan with nothing to lose” thing has been cute, but let’s be real. You’ve had six months to practice your whole man on fire routine, but I’ve had a thousand years to get really good at causing chaos, mayhem, and pain in extraordinarily creative, terrifying ways. So if you really think you can out bad-guy me? Let’s go.

Stefan Salvatore: …Crap.

Elena Gilbert: Let’s talk about your mama!

Bonnie Bennet: Let’s talk about your Damon!

Elena Gilbert: Let’s talk about literally anything else ever!

Bonnie Bennet: Was it good?

Elena Gilbert: That doesn’t matter!

Bonnie Bennet: That means it was! He kissed you and you loved it! You want more! You want to hug him! You want to kiss him! You want to have his babies!

Elena Gilbert: Doesn’t this car have some product placement features we could discuss?

The Lady of the Manor: He’s Damon, of courseit was good. Seriously, that girl is dumber than a rock. An especially dumb rock.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi guys! Just wanted to make sure you aren’t on your way to do anything stupid!

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Nope! We’re heading up to the lake house to take a break from all of the crazy!

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, you didn’t leave my mom’s picture and address and social security number laying on your kitchen table by any chance, did you?

Elena Gilbert: Probably not!

Klaus (on the phone): Hi Wally! You know what’s great about having the entire Mystic Falls government playing for my team? Whenever Elena comes by and asks for very odd pieces of information, they give me a call! And on a totally unrelated note, I have a little job for you …

Wally the Werepire: Woof!

Neville the Corgi: He also intrigues me!

Wally the Werepire: Hi Abby! I need you to look into my eyes …

Neville the Corgi: I wanna be a werepire! I’d compel you to give me endless cookies!

Jamie: Hi guys! What can I do for you?

Bonnie Bennet: Nothing nothing at all we were just leaving sorry to bother you got to go goodbye!

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena disappointed face powers activate!

Bonnie Bennet: Abby’s my mom.

Jamie: Another one? Well, you might as well come inside.

Bonnie Bennet: So Jamie, are we related?

Jamie: Nah, I just crash on your mother’s house. She’s really hot, and I’m kind of a cougar hunter.

Bonnie Bennet: Sweet, another racial minority! That means I might get a love interest!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Jamie?

Bonnie Bennet: Mommy?

Abby Bennet Wilson: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: So how does this work?

Bill Forbes: Well, first Tyler has to take his clothes off, then I rub this baby oil all over him, then I take a bunch of photos, then I upload them to Facebook…

Tyler Lockwood: Wait a second…

Bill Forbes: Just kidding! To the surprise of no one, my plan involves torture!

Tyler Lockwood: That’s not really better.

Neville the Corgipire: I find this plot intriguing!

Thomas: You know you’re not actually a werepire, right?

Neville the Corgipire: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Thomas: …Okay then.

Neville the Corgipire: That totally worked!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I was best friends with Elena’s mother, and then Mikael came to town and none of us could kill him and then I lured him into the woods and then I cast a spell and then I locked him in a tomb and then I lost all my powers and then I was like you know what I would like to do now? Leave my daughter laying on her grandmother’s porch and make a new life for myself ten miles down the road!

Bonnie Bennet: …You’ve known me for five minutes. No, you never told us that.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! You’re terrible plans are terrible!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Meredith! So I was wondering, did you murder your boyfriend, and/or are you planning to murder Alaric? ‘Cause I’m kind of attached to Alaric, if you know what I mean. I think you know what I mean.

Meredith Fell: Hi Damon! I had nothing to do with my boyfriend’s murder, but I will jab you with this syringe full of anti-vampire pot and then steal a bunch of your blood!

Damon Salvatore: …I kind of hate that plan, actually.

Tyler Lockwood: The leg bone’s connected to the … wait, never mind. My leg bone isn’t connected to anything anymore, because it broke into several pieces. Have I mentioned how much I hate this plan?

Bill Forbes: You know what? I don’t think you’re in enough pain yet. Axewound!

Neville the Corgipire: He should bite him!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Sorry I ran out on you, but let’s face it, your grams is way better at the whole raising kids thing that I am!

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, she was, until she died. Because she cast a really difficult spell. Because you weren’t around to help. Anyway, I have to go murder an unkillable chaos engine. Thanks for the cookies. And the abandonment issues.

Stefan Salvatore: You know what we haven’t had enough of? My abusive boyfriend routine!

Jamie: Grr! I am noble and protective!

Stefan Salvatore: Grr! I am evil and mean!

Jamie: Grr! I have been compelled to shoot you with this wooden buck shot!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Grr! I have been forced into kidnapping my long lost daughter!

Bonnie Bennet: I hate everything about everyone.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! Don’t mind me, I’m just blasting my pecs!

Damon Salvatore: No, it’s cool, I like ’em ripped and sweaty. Hey, did I tell you how your girlfriend roofied me?

Abby Bennet Wilson: Jamie! I need help loading my daughter’s body into the car!

Jamie: Okay! Just let me finish tying up Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Why do all of my plans end this way?

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, you know what else isn’t connected to anything anymore? My chains!

Bill Forbes: Poop.

Neville the Corgipire: I don’t understand what’s happening!

Thomas: He’s turning into a wolf.

Neville the Corgipire: This confuses me!

Thomas: He’s a werewolf. He’s a guy that turns into a wolf.

Neville the Corgipire: I fucking love this show!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Hi Bonnie! Sorry about the kidnapping and all that, but Wally the Werepire compelled Jamie to blow his head off unless I got you to tell him where the coffins are! But you should take my product placement iPhone and warn all your friends!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Jamie, do you know why Sydney Bristow is?

Jamie: No, why?

Elena Gilbert: Because Super Elena getting out of my ropes and stealing your gun and smashing you in the face powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Um, Elena? Little help over here?

Klaus: Hi Damon! So where my coffins at?

The Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches: Hi Klaus! How’s that aneurism going for you?

Klaus: Hi witches! I’ve got a guy on Route 666 just waiting to murder the last Bennet, so if you want to continue playing this game…

The Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches: Coffins we’ve got coffins coffins right here all the coffins you could ever ask for here you go three coffins!

Klaus: Wait a second … where’s the fourth coffin?

Damon Salvatore: Innocent whistle.

Klaus: Boy, I will shred your flesh and leave you a quivering mass of pain and regret if you don’t give me back my coffin!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, right. Main character, guy. I’m bullet proof.

The Lady of the Manor: Is it wrong that I think Klaus makes torture sound sexy?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Meredith! So let’s talk about you roffieing my boy… er, best friend!

Meredith Fell: Hey, wanna see what happens when you inject a werewolf victim full of vampire blood? Because it’s pretty special!

Bill Forbes: This was done against my will! Though not being dead is kind of neat.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena! Just get it out!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, do you remember when I was screaming that at you? Oh, and by the way, I totally made out with your brother.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, this whole evil thing was fun, but I guess that’s enough to begin my redemption arc. So long, fans!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! This first stop on my redemption tour is apologizing for kidnapping you last week! That was a dick move, and I’m very very boring! I mean sorry!

Bonnie Bennet: Hey Abby! Elena called, and she said that Klaus is happy, and aside from a broken jaw and a concussion, Jamie is going to be okay!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Thanks! Say, do you think you could get my magic back?

Bonnie Bennet: Well, no, but I found this flyer for a voodoo priest in Washington … we could probably be there by dinner time!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Bill! Sorry I almost ate you tonight, but thanks for helping me break my sire bond!

Bill Forbes: No problem, Tyler! We’ll continue with the torture tomorrow!

Tyler Lockwood: :-(=

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Meredith! So speaking of vampires … did you know that I just happen to have a large collection of anti-vampire weapons, and a magic ring of (sometimes) not dying?

Meredith Fell: Gimme gimme gimme!

Alaric Saltzman: Okay! I’ll give you … my penis!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Get a room! Like my dead Aunt Jenna’s! Who doesn’t need it anymore! Because she’s dead!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! The girls ruined everything again, but I managed to save one of the coffins. I figured the one someone had spelled so that it would never ever open was way more interesting than the ones with a bunch of Jewish Vikings in them, so I kept that one.

Stefan Salvatore: Good choice! Also, you know that girl that I don’t care about anymore, and kinda almost murdered last week? Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, looks like someone’s jealous! Speaking of jealous, I have something you don’t have! I have an Original Dagger.

The Twitters: Ohplease Ohplease Ohplease…

The Lady of the Manor: SQUEE!

Klaus: So Wally-

Elijah: Super Elijah coming back to life and ripping out a heart and flipping my hair and being goddamn awesome powers activate!

Klaus: …Oh poop.

The Twitters: Explode

The Lady of the Manor: Don’t forget the panties. The panties explode, too.

The Plot: Thickens.

I really, really hope they don’t make Stefan boring again.

I mean, I knew this was coming. I knew it was inevitable that he would have a redemption arc, and kind of inevitable that Stelena would happen again. But I’ve been having so much funwatching Evil!Stefan that I just kind of hoped it would last a while. Until the end of the season, at least.

Also, I don’t think Stefan actually earned his moment with Elena. Yeah, they set it up with Klaus last week saying “that kind of love never dies”, but Stefan immediately refuted that, by almost murdering Elena in the same spot her parents died, and then turning her into a vampire. A guy who was capable of doing that wouldn’t have been bothered by a simple kiss. Stefan has been no-emotions-damn-the-consequences guy for weeks, and the switch was just too abrupt.

Speaking of Damon … even the haters need to recognize that when you need to get shit done, he’s the guy you turn to. Klaus has proven to be two steps ahead of you – again! – and you just lost the vast majority of your leverage against him? Well guess what? Damon saw that coming, and he went ahead and did what we’ve all been clamoring for for months… he brought back Elijah.

This show really is about a bunch of people fumbling around and then watching Damon either save the day, or mumble about how listening to him would have saved the day.

And Elijah … what’s there to say other than “and the twitters explode”? Although I did love that his very first action was to wake up and say “well, who’s this chap here? Eh, I have no idea, but HEART RIP.” That’s my boy, Elijah, that’s my boy.

Update:

So as Brian and a host of others pointed out, the Abby/Bonnie story lulled me into a stupor, and I missed what might have been the biggest reveal of the season:

Abby Bennett Wilson: My best friend is why I left. Fifteen years ago, a vampire came to town looking for you, Elena. Looking for the doppelganger.

Abby didn’t even know Gramma Bennet had died, so it wasn’t like she was getting regular updates from Mystic Falls. And that means she knew about Elena and the Curse and everything fifteen years ago. And that means the rest of the Watcher’s Council probably knew, too.

And that is huge. It could change everything about everything. Maybe Elena’s parents adopted her not because they were kind-hearted, but because they wanted the most important vampire treasure in the world close by. Maybe they didn’t die in an accident … maybe they were murdered by someone who wanted the Doppelganger, or who wanted to destroy the Doppelganger. Maybe Elena’s father didn’t die because it was a non-supernatural event that killed him … maybe his ring had just given out, like Alaric’s has.

And here I was wondering how they were going to top this season. Well, I think I have my answer. Next season is the Season of the Humans … and no one knows who they can trust.

And with that, we come to another mini-hellatus: two weeks with no eyebrows, no fangs, and no mind-whammies. If you’re looking for a vampire fix, I’d love it if you’d give my novel, Sire, a try. It’s got vampires, violence, sex, sarcasm, and a ten foot high pile of werewolf bodies. You can read the first chapter or buy now for Kindle, Nook, iPad, or other eReaders, or in paperback.