Vampire Diaries – S03E17 – Break On Through

Damon Salvatore: So Elena, I’m gonna take Alaric to the Grill and get him nice and drunk-

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan!

Damon Salvatore: -And I’m going to join him.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie! Great news! The hospital just had a blood drive – something about a “critical lack of blood” due to the “unexplained rash of mountain lion attacks”, which means there was a ton of blood for me to steal! I got some O, some A, and my favorite, some B … positive!

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, that’s nice. I made my mom a Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, but she’s still not on board with this whole vampire thing.

Caroline Forbes: Get it? B-positive? Be positive? Because I’m a cheerleader, and the only person on this show who doesn’t suffer from terminal broodiness?

Abby Bennet Wilson: Woe is me! I’ve lost everything! Like the ability to get wrinkles, and the ability to get cancer, and the ability to not have super powers, and … wait, why am I depressed again?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I’m your daughter?

Abby Bennet Wilson: Oh right!

The Lady of the Manor: Wait, when did Bonnie start being able to make Magic Rings?

Thomas: She made Caroline’s. She’ll make Elena’s, too, if they ever decide that she needs to stop being insufferable.

The Lady of the Manor: So it’s a really easy spell, then?

Carol Lockwood: Hi Alaric! As you know, we’ve just about to complete the Wickery Bridge Restoration Project, fixing the damage Elena’s parents did when they tactlessly died by driving over the edge a coupe of years ago! And as you also know, the most important part of the project is the sign that says “Wickery Bridge – Please Don’t Drive Over the Side and Kill Yourself”! And as you also also know, since that sign is an historic artifact dating all the way back to this very episode, it could only be worked on by an expert in artifact restoration! Fortunately you took a course in that very subject while you were learning how to read Jewish Viking Runes via correspondence course last summer! All of which is to say … do you have my sign or not?

Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, um, you see … it’s not done because … I’ve been … busy.

Damon Salvatore: Points to Alaric. Points to Meredith. Makes hip-thrusting motions.

Alaric Saltzman: Tee hee?

Meredith Fell: Hey Damon? Any idea why Rebekah is snooping around all the time?

Damon Salvatore: Well, she’s been asking about Great White Oak trees a lot, and whether or not the Salvatore Logging Company, Est. last week 1850 cut down any Great White Oak trees, and if I had any records on what the Great White Oak trees might have been used to build … so no, no idea. But hold on, I have to take a sharp left into a boring love interest.

Sage: Hi Damon!

Rebekah: Hi slut!

Damon Salvatore: Hold on, I’ll go make popcorn.

The Lady of the Manor: Hold on, I’ll be over here not caring.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Alaric said you weren’t home!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, I was out in the woods, alternately crying, masturbating, and flogging myself over the blond chick I ate last night. ‘Sup?

Elena Gilbert: I just stopped by to borrow your copy of The Big Book of Gilberts: An Illustrated Guide to the Most Important Family in the World.

Stefan Salvatore: Want the SparkNotes version? Samantha Gilbert used the Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying one time too many, went on a rampage that put Jack the Ripper to shame, came to her senses, had herself committed, jabbed a knitting needle in her eye, and died in agony.

Elena Gilbert: So … I probably shouldn’t tell Alaric about this, right?

Stefan Salvatore: I’d keep it to myself, yeah.

Sage: Hi Damon! I really hope you aren’t friends with Rebekah, because she always treated me like a peasant whore!

Damon Salvatore: Why’s that?

Sage: Mostly because I was a peasant. And a whore. But anyway! Let’s find out why Rebekah is always asking about Great White Oaks and their hopefully recorded disposition!

Damon Salvatore: And how, pray tell, do you intend to do that?

Sage: Damon, don’t be silly! She’s a girl, and girls are stupid! I mean really, doesn’t it just make you sick how weak girls are? Man I hate girls! Except when they’re getting raped, of course. I love rape!

Thomas: Is not a fan of Sage.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! You know how you’re mad at me and disgusted by Sage? Well I know what would help make you feel better! A threesome with both of us!

Rebekah: …I am unable to find a flaw in your logic.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Jamie! As you know, your adoptive mother is going through a very difficult time, and- oh hold on a sec, cell phone …

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Caroline! I sure hope you’re done with Allie or whatever her name is, because I need you to drop everything and focus on my problems!

Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! I have all of your old police reports! Tee hee!

Alaric Saltzman: Yep, this was all me. The larceny, the delinquency, the violence, the wife beating, etc etc etc, all these terrible character flaws that haven’t even been hinted at before last week, it’s all true. I’m a terrible person, and the fans shouldn’t like me any more. In fact, it would be a service if Damon just killed me. Again.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I’ve gone on another bender! But this one involves blood bags instead of buxom blonds!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Anyway, I have an orgy planned, so why don’t you go watch Elena through the window or something?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jamie! Just checking, but we’re not actually related, right?

Jamie: Right!

Bonnie Bennet: So it’s totally cool for me to stare at your ass, right?

Jamie: Right!

Bonnie Bennet: And then mourn your loss when you reach the Three Episodes for a Black Character limit?

Jamie: Right! No, wait …

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, that’s some nice wood you got there!

Jamie: …

Bonnie Bennet: Fire wood. I’m totally not staring at your crotch right now. Much.

Abby Bennet Wilson: Hi Jamie!

Jamie: Hi Abby! I’m gonna make a-

Abby Bennet Wilson: Fangs! Fangs fangs fangs fangs fangs!

Bonnie Bennet: Stop! It hasn’t been three episodes yet!

Rebekah: Hi Damon! Hi Sage! I’m totally self-confident and don’t need you to stroke my ego or give me a sense of belonging or love me like my father never did or anything, buteverything on TV is a rerun, so I figured I’d grab a bottle of priceless wine and hope on over here.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! You look awfully uncomfortable! Why don’t you take your clothes off and relax?

Sage: Yesplease yesplease yesplease yesplease yesplease …

The Lady of the Manor: She’s really just going to sit over in the corner and rub one out, isn’t she?

Sage: Fap fap fap fap fap!

The Lady of the Manor: …Yep.

Abby Bennet Wilson: I almost killed my not son!

Bonnie Bennet: No, it’s cool. Caroline says you’ll probably murder three, four dozen people before you get the hang of it.

Abby Bennet Wilson: That … really didn’t help.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! Here’s a list of my bank accounts, passwords, and my will, just in case my head goes all STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB again and Meredith has to shoot me in the face!

Elena Gilbert: You’re … leaving Jeremy your porn collection?

Alaric Saltzman: Well, he insists on using Bing. Every time he searches for “hot bitches nude” he gets a bunch of links to the Westminster Kennel Club. Kid deserves better.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Elena! In a shocking and unprecedented twist, Bonnie found exactly the spell we need on a previously unread page in her Big Book of Magic!

Bonnie Bennet (on the phone): Hi Elena! I still kinda hate your guts, but if I cure Alaric he’ll have to let me pass history class, so I’m in!

Elena Gilbert: History? Class? What’s that? Whatever. Alaric, good news! Bonnie’s going to cure you!

Alaric Saltzman: …And this page explains what I want done with my ashes…

Damon Salvatore: Hello ladies! Sorry about the sheet. I wanted to let Little Damon out to play, but the director said something about “massive FCC fines.” And I was like “why yes it is massive,” but then she just shook her head and walked away.

Sage: Hi Damon! You remember that well-established power vampires have, where we can steal people’s memories by stroking their hair, and then we can swap memories by kissing in the shower?

Damon Salvatore: …No.

Sage: Oh you’re such a kidder! Of course you remember how this pivotal ability was set up a few episodes ago! I mean, it’s not like I’d just bust out an incredibly convenient power for the hell of it!

Damon Salvatore: I mean … I guess I gave Rose a nice dream. And Katherine did that whole “hahaha you thought you were having sex with me” thing to my brother. But … ah, whatever, let’s go look through the family logging journals!

The Lady of the Manor: Sage thinks with her tongue!

Jethro Salvatore’s Journal: Dear diary: trees trees trees trees trees trees trees, oh and I guess there’s a murderer or something running around, but more importantly, trees trees trees trees trees!

Damon Salvatore: Thank god my family has an obsessive compulsive need to write down every single goddamn thing we do! If it wasn’t for that odd quirk, we’d never know that the Great White Oak of Original Wasting Greatness was cut down and turned into … the very bridge we were rebuilding this morning!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Just dropped by to tell you nothing’s changed! Also Samantha Gilbert went crazy and slaughtered an entire village even after she took the ring off. I sure hope you didn’t leave Alaric alone with anyone! Tee hee!

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, what a great nap! I feel fresh, rested, and ready for murder! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Sage! For some reason I’m still wearing a towel! And I know how to kill the Originals!

Sage: Sweet! I just got done raping a bunch of ladies! And if you touch my Finn I will cut you so hard your brother will feel it!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Did you know that some people can’t be redeemed?

Elena Gilbert: Are we talking about you or Alaric? Just kidding! Murderers turn me on, so I’m sticking by both your sides!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Sage! I sure hope you’re not … off telling Rebekah about my plan to kill her. Dammit.

Alaric Saltzman (in his dementia diary): Dear Jeremy, you have one of the rings and that means you’re special so special that you’ll have to carry on after me if I die and I might die because I’m going to murder a whole bunch of people and they might get angry and murder me back murder is fun isn’t it murder murder murder murder cheese murder murder!

Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric? Do you want cream and sugar?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Meredith! Isn’t it wacky how you guys are supposed to protect people from vampires but all you ever seem to do is help vampires! It’s like you guys totally forgot your mission statement! Also I have a knife and I’m going to kill you now.

Meredith Fell: So, no cream then?

Rebekah: Hi Damon! Sorry, but I lit your Magic Bridge of Jesus They Really Thought This Was a Compelling Plot on fire!

Sage: And I helped, because I figured out killing any of the originals would kill my boyfriend!

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon ass kicking powers-

Sage: Um, sweetie? I’m nine hundred years old, and you are officially my bitch.

The Lady of the Manor: Sure, they bring up the whole “older is stronger” thing now.

Elena Gilbert: That’s strange! I don’t remember leaving a bunch of smashed dished and splattered blood laying around!

Alaric Saltzman: That … was … an … accident?

Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan neck snapping judo choking powers activate!

Meredith Fell: Um, guys? Little help here? Guys?

Stefan Salvatore: It’s cool, I can fix this. Just a quick bite and-

Elena Gilbert: Bad Stefan! No chewing on the nice doctor!

Stefan Salvatore: Fine, I guess I’ll just heal her, since someone has a problem with homicide all of a sudden.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! Where the hell am I? And why the hell are you here?

Damon Salvatore: Long story short, you’ve got a split personality, Meredith doesn’t want to see you any more, Bonnie did a mind whammy on you, and everything’s going to be okay.

Alaric Saltzman: Great, great, it’s just … why are you naked?

Damon Salvatore: I’m keeping you warm!

Alaric Saltzman: You’re a vampire. You’re room temperature.

Damon Salvatore: Oh really? Because you seem all hot and bothered to me …

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I sure hope you’re not mad at me! Because if you were mad at me maybe they would make you the bad guy next season, and if you were the bad guy next season maybe you’d be interesting, and if you were interesting maybe they’d give you more screen time, and if they gave you more screen time they wouldn’t send in hate mail about how racist the show is, and if they didn’t send in hate mail about how racist the show is how would-

Bonnie Bennet: God, I’ll forgive you if you just shut up, okay?

The Lady of the Manor: I want their kitchen. Minus all the murder.

Thomas: Why?

The Lady of the Manor: It’s really pretty!

Thomas: No, why minus the murder?

Caroline Forbes: Hey, did I ever tell you about how my father turned into a vampire but then he killed himself because he was a bigot?

Jamie: Nope!

Caroline Forbes: Good! Because that’s a really painful memory!

Abby Bennet Wilson: Hey guys, thanks for all the help, but I really can’t stand Bonnie, so I’m going to blow town. Later!

Thomas: Even Bonnie’s mom doesn’t want to hang out with her. Harsh.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Jeremy! How’s Denver? Doing well in school? Murdered anyone in a haze of rage and confusion? Meet any cute girls?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Did you know that the Great White Oak was turned into the very sign Alaric is refurbishing in his apartment? Which means we have a new weapon that we can use to kill the Originals?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, why are we mad at them again?

The Plot: Thickens.

So for the most part, I liked this episode. Okay? Okay. Because there is a huge nit I have to pick: Great White Oak and Wickery Bridge and the Magic Sign of Murder. Jesus. I just don’t even know how this whole thing got proposed and written and reviewed and filmed without someone saying “hey, guys? This is kind of fucking ridiculous.”

This is The Vampire Diaries. The show that burns through plots like they’re a six-pack-a-day-habit. The show where Damon throws more snark and skin at the screen than is technically legal. The show where Elena comes home and kisses Damon then cuts off her Uncle’s hand and then turns out to be a magic vampire twin. It is not a show about going through the Old Salvatore Logging Journals(?!?) and discovering the shocking secret of what tree was used to build the only bridge in town.

One of the problems I’m having with this show lately is the way they handle Chekhov’s Gun. In the past they were excellent about introducing plot points – people, items, or powers – that would become essential later on. And they would do it a couple of episodes ahead, so it never felt rushed or unearned. It made the show feel more epic, because there were little things linking each episode, even aside from the overall arc.

Now, though, they just throw the Gun (or the magic sign) into the cold open and capitalize on it at the end of the episode. It makes TVD feel much more “monster of the week”, the problem and solution all happen in one episode, making them more standalone and less cohesive.

I’ve seen what these writers can do, so this makes me think that for some reason they’ve kind of stopped talking to each other. There isn’t a cohesive story, there aren’t any long-running threads. The Magic Sign of Murder wouldn’t have felt quite as ridiculous if Alaric had been working on restoring it for a few episodes. But having the Mayor say “oh, by the way, remember that sign you’ve totally been working on for a month” in the beginning of the episode where it becomes important is cheating.

This used to be one of TVD‘s strongest points, and I’m sad to see them slipping like that.

Sage exists to remind us that girls are dumb and deserve to be raped. I fucking hate her, and I hope she dies. She’s my new least favorite character. That’s right, I prefer Bonnie over this red-headed block of wood. Rapey wood.

All that aside, I think this was a stronger episode than last week. I love the interplay between Damon and Rebekah. I honestly buy that she’s this incredibly powerful, incredibly needy girl who just wants Damon’s approval. I’m upset that Sage had to fuck it all up. I also love that Damon is (at least pretending to be) over Elena.

Stefan had some really good moments. They scene where he fanged out around Meredith, but then got control of himself and healed her, in front of Elena, was a huge moment for his redemption arc, and more importantly it didn’t feel like a cheat. He’s been trying to get straight for a while, and it payed off. I still prefer Evil!Stefan, but if he’s going to get redeemed, at least they’re doing it right.

Crazy!Alaric does make a good point about the Watcher’s Council being one giant fail. Hell, their go-to guy for most of the first two seasons was also the most consistent bad guy on the show.

I do think, though, that it’s a major coincidence that Alaric just happened to go after council members in the exact same way Samantha Gilbert did. I would have preferred learning that the ring somehow held Samantha’s spirit and she was doing the murders through Alaric, or something like that.

Update

I’ve been thinking about the whole Chekhov’s Gun thing, and I’m wondering if this is an attempt to make the show more accessible to new viewers. TVD has a pretty large, rabid fanbase, but the thing we love about the show, the crazy interwoven-constantly-changing-OMG-WTF-just-happened-plot, kind of precludes new viewers from jumping on.

A few times now I’ve seen discussions where people are talking about how awesome TVD is, and when someone asks what a good jumping-on point is, the answer is usually “um… Season One, Episode One”. There’s just so much stuff that you need to know, about vampires, Elena, Katherine, the Doppelganger, the Lame Ass Curse and the Heroic Saving Throw Retcon, Bonnie and Elijah and Klaus and Caroline and … damn.

That’s a lot to ask a new viewer to either catch up on or figure out as they go, and I think the writers may be limiting Chekhov’s Guns to a single episode just so there’s not one more thing that they need to know happened five episodes ago.

I don’t think this is necessary; I’ve seen enough intelligent commentary on this show to believe that the audience is able to keep up with stuff like this. But I can understand if that’s what the writers are doing, and it would mean that they aren’t slipping, they’re making a conscious choice to make these episodes more standalone.

Also, because of this, it wouldn’t surprise me if TVD hit a pretty big reset button at the end of the season. Well, not a reset button, exactly, but I kind of expect them to make a clean break at the end of Season Three and start Season Four with a new plot, which viewers with no backstory can jump right in to.

Of course, the fact that I just wrote that guarantees that I’m wrong, but so it goes.

Update the second

I also just figured out why Sage took Damon into the shower. You know, other than as an excuse to see him naked. You know in spy movies how two characters will run the shower so the ambient noise will screw up any listening devices in the room? I kind of think that’s what Sage was doing, trying to prevent Rebekah from hearing them talk.

Which doesn’t strike me as plausible, but this is a show about teenage vampires, so …