Vampire Diaries – S03E20 – Do Not Go Gently

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Alaric! How’s Serial Killer Rehab going?

Evilaric Stabman (on the phone): Great it’s going just great I haven’t blacked out and woken up filled with loathing and wrath in like three whole hours and I’m certainly not plotting with a witch wearing her daughter’s body like a suit of clothes to end the vampire race one and for all!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Great! Looks like I’m free to drink bourbon and bang sorority sisters all day!

Rebekster: Hi Alaric! If you’d kindly jam this Dagger of Not Really Dying into my (daughter’s) heart, I’ll jump back into my own body and we can continue plotting the murder of pretty much every one you’ve ever met!

Evilaric Stabman: Wait, you’re dumping Rebekah’s body already? Aren’t there a ton of interesting plot points we could visit first? Don’t you want to take your time with this?

Rebekster: You’ve never actually watched this show, have you?

Caroline Forbes: Okay, we’ve got decorations, a band, refreshments … is there anything I’m missing?

Elena Gilbert: A large supply of body bags, for the huge number of casualties out school dances inevitably suffer?

Caroline Forbes: Speaking of casualties, how’s your relationship with Stefan?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know how it is. I kinda want to bang Stefan again, but I don’t think I’m quite done toying with Damon’s emotions, but then I’ve already slept with Stefan, so Damon’s undiscovered country is all new and exciting, but at the same time Stefan’s penis is like comfort food, so … long story short, I’m going to keep jerking both of them around for at least a few more days.

Caroline Forbes: Speaking of jerking guys around, what’s up with Matt? Why’s he spending so much time with your brother?

Elena Gilbert: I told him I’d let him touch my hair if he got Jeremy his job back.

Caroline Forbes: And the “Team Maremy” shirt?

Elena Gilbert: Totally his idea. You have to give the boy credit … he’s an overachiever.

Caroline Forbes: Hey, did you hear Bonnie has a date tonight?

Elena Gilbert: No way! What’s his name?

Caroline Forbes: Who cares? He’ll be dead by the end of the season.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Stefan! It’s your turn to have your hopes raised and then dashed! Wanna go to the Twenties Dance with me?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Great! I’ll get one of my old suits out of the closet!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Fuck you! See you later!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Meredith! I was wondering … how effective do you think Alaric’s Herbs of Homicide Prevention are?

Meredith Fell: Well, as long as he’s taking them regularly …

Damon Salvatore: And if, say, I found the entire bottle sitting untouched in his pantry?

Meredith Fell: Facepalm.

Evilaric Stabman: So … what are we doing here again?

Esther: Oh, this is where Klaus tore my heart out, and that act of violence created a well of mystical energy that I can draw on to blah blah plot convenience blah.

Evilaric Stabman: And the Salvatore family just happened to build their mausoleum over that exact spot?

Esther: Yeah, it’s a small world. Now shut up and give me your Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying so I can create the Ultimate Weapon

Evilaric Stabman: Ultimate weapon? Honey, I make rocket launchers out of soda cans and aerosol. I think I can do better than a piece of wood coated lightly in silver.

Esther: Yeah, no, I’d rather do this the magic way. I have a reputation to keep up.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Are you sure you want to go to the dance? Someone always dies at these things!

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, but it’s always someone unimportant!

Stefan Salvatore: You mean anyone other than you?

Elena Gilbert: Right! Oh, and speaking of unimportant, I wanted to make sure you weren’t upset over that minor, meaningless fifteen minute kiss-and-grope I shared with your brother in that seedy motel!

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, it’s cool. You made out with my brother, I murdered every sorority chick in Goergia … everybody makes mistakes.

The Lady of the Manor: I would like Elena’s backless closet. I wonder if it just continues into infinity or if it turns into Narnia at some point?

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I just wanted to tell you that Elena is spoken for, and you would have way better luck dating Rosey Palm. Seriously, the waiting list for Elena’s Magic Vajayjay is like three blocks long.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’m here to challenge a thousand year old, unkillable, homicidal maniac for your affections! That’s a good plan, right?

Caroline Forbes: No?

Neville the Devilcorgipire: I want a fedora!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! You were alive in the twenties, right? Show me some moves!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay … Necksnap! Spinerip! Cardioectomy!

Elena Gilbert: …I meant dance moves.

The Lady of the Manor: Speaking of, look at all the sixteen-year-olds who know how to Charleston!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh! Haha, what a wacky misunderstanding!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Bonnie’s here! With her boyfriend!

Stefan Salvatore: Speaking of Bonnie … she isn’t still mad about us murdering her mother, is she?

Elena Gilbert: Nah, she’s probably over it.

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m here to cock block you with some completely unforeseeable danger!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, we need to save Alaric from Evilaric! I vote we use the Care Bear Stare!

Stefan Salvatore: I vote we dry him out and compel him!

Damon Salvatore: I vote we just snap his neck!

Elena Gilbert: Wow! It’s like it’s Season One all over again!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena? About this “let’s kill Alaric” plan …

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry! Alaric is a good man and a good friend and a good drinking buddy and a good guy to talk about your sex life with and a good legal guardian and no one’s going to hurt him!

Jeremy Gilbert: I was just gonna say, if we kill Alaric, we’re gonna have to find someone else to pay the mortgage.

Esther: Hi Elena! Evilaric and I have concocted a dastardly plot, and we need-

Elena Gilbert: My super special Doppelganger blood. Yeah yeah yeah, can I at least ride in the front seat this time? My dress will get all dirty if you throw me in the trunk.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, are you having any trouble getting out of the parking lot?

Damon Salvatore: How in the hell did we miss her dropping off sixteen tons of salt?

Jeremy Gilbert: Should I scratch out the salt barrier? Break the circle? Set you guys free, like literally every other version of this spell in the entire cannon of magic?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, we’ll just stay in here and brood, thanks.

Damon Salvatore: I’m gonna try and bang a cheerleader, but your plan sounds fun, too.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jamie! Smootch!

Jamie: I’m gonna die now, aren’t I?

Bonnie Bennet: Probably!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! Can you help me murder this witch bitch?

Evilaric Stabman: Sorry kid. Esther’s gonna turn me into an Original, then I’m going to murder the entire world and take a nap.

Esther: Hypocrisy is awesome!

The Lady of the Manor: I am fully on board with Team Vamplaric.

Klaus: Hi Tyler! Mind if I have sex with your girlfriend under the bleachers?

Tyler Lockwood: As a matter of fact-

Caroline Forbes: Tyler! Ixnay on the iresay ondbay being rokenbay!

Tyler Lockwood: -I would be honored if you would defile my beloved in a base and profane manner.

The Lady of the Manor: Why is Klaus not in a BLACK SUIT? This is ALL WRONG!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! Your mother’s back! She trapped all of us in the gym!

Klaus: Seriously, where did she even get that much salt?

Bonnie Bennet: “This won’t work, but it’s not my fault, remove this barrier of salt!”

Klaus: Hey Bonnie? I’m gonna need you to hurry the hell up, or I’ll go ahead and murder this extra over here.

Bonnie Bennet: He’s not an extra! He’s my boyfriend!

Klaus: …You probably shouldn’t have told me that.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Alaric? Any chance I can get you to rethink this whole genocide thing?

Evilaric Stabman: Yeah, no. All of those people that have died in the last three seasons? Kind of my fault. Like Jenna! Jenna’s blood is on my hands.

Elena Gilbert: Well actually, Jenna’s blood is kind of on Bonnie’s hands …

Evilaric Stabman: I’m perfectly willing to add her to the list.

Elena Gilbert: Oh yeah? Well what if I don’t give you my blood, huh? How are you going to work your spell without my magic –

Esther: “This girl’s head is filled with mud, but now my chalice if filled with blood!”

Elena Gilbert: -Never mind.

Esther: “On this spell the season hangs, give Evilaric big sharp fangs!”

Evilaric Stabman: Well that was relatively-

Esther: Gutstab!

Evilaric Stabman: -Painless. Dies.

Bonnie Bennet: You murdered my mom!

Damon Salvatore: She got better!

Bonnie Bennet: She can’t talk to plants anymore!

Damon Salvatore: That’s fucking retarded!

Bonnie Bennet: You’re a big meanie!

Damon Salvatore: You’re a glorified extra!

Klaus: Jesus, I really need to stop making these idiots the lynchpin of my plans.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m worried about Elena! If we don’t get out of here, Elena could get hurt! Or Elena could get killed! Or Elena could trip and fall onto Damon’s penis!

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah. Also, we’re all kind of in ganger, too. Especially me, since your plan kind of involves me dying.

Stefan Salvatore: Well yeah, but Elena’s actually important!

Elena Gilbert: So how exactly is creating a new, super powerful vampire in order to kill all of the evil vampires you made not hypocritical?

Esther: Oh, I added a magic stop watch to the spell. He’ll be dead inside of a week, no matter how this turns out. Make sure you say your goodbyes!

Matt Donovan: Oh yeah? Maybe you ought to say your goodbyes!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah! Because we’re gonna use these here weapons to inflict grievous harm upon your person!

Matt Donovan: Yep! These weapons right here!

Jeremy Gilbert: The long-range weapons we’re holding in our hands!

Esther: You do realize you’re practically begging me to make you two murder each other with my brain, right?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Esther! Backstab!What did I miss?

The Lady of the Manor: OMG. MATT is in SHIRTSLEEVES and has a GUN!

Klaus: You know Stefan, this really is all your fault. If you’d just stuck with me, murdering your way across the continent, forsaking all those you love for the company of a jealous, unstable sociopath with daddy issues and a god complex, you’d be perfectly happy right now!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Good news! For some reason Esther just totally gave up on maintaining this, or any other, spell! I’m gonna go ahead and take credit for that!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi guys! Great news! Klaus took Esther’s body away and didn’t even murder me!

Alaric Saltzman: That’s awesome! By the way, I’m going to kill myself tonight. So you might want to get a second job.

Jeremy Gilbert: What?!?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, the mortgage isn’t gonna pay itself! Even you said that!

Elena Gilbert: You know Alaric, I’m really sorry about all of this. I mean, if you hadn’t moved in with us, and I hadn’t given you that magic ring, and I hadn’t dragged you into all of these life threatening situations …

Alaric Saltzman: Wow Elena, that’s really mature! I-

Elena Gilbert: LOL just kidding the world revolves around me HAHAHA!

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Gathers to say goodbye.

Alaric Saltzman: Wow guys, this is really touching. I-

Damon Salvatore: I get his booze.

Stefan Salvatore: The TV is mine.

Jeremy Gilbert: I want his weight set.

Caroline Forbes: Dibs on his bed frame.

Tyler Lockwood: Porn collection is mine.

Meredith Fell: I call the stake launcher.

Alaric Saltzman: …Yeah, suicide really is my best option.

Klaus: You know what plot line isn’t completely played out yet? My quest to make an army of easily killable mooks!

Jamie: Hi Bonnie! Is this your house!

Bonnie Bennet: Haha no, I’m homeless! I just crash at different places when the owners are out of town.

Matt Donovan: Booze?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, I totally need something to take my mind off the fact that my friend, mentor, and legal guardian is going to die tonight.

Matt Donovan: …Oh yeah. I’m just drinking because Elena is back with Stefan.

Thomas: You and me both, Matt. You and me both.

Jeremy Gilbert: Single perfect tear.

Dean Winchester: Did that first. And better.

Elena Gilbert: This is terrible I can’t believe it what are we going to do this is awful I hate this this sucks!

Stefan Salvatore: I know, Alaric is a good man, but –

Elena Gilbert: Who’s gonna take care of me?!?

Thomas: She said this. She literally fucking said this.

Stefan Salvatore: So, should we go say goodbye to Alaric?

Elena Gilbert: Nah, he’ll be dead soon anyway. We should go make little vampire babies!

Meredith Fell: Okay, I gave Alaric a … sedative … and he’s asleep now.

Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Have an interesting interpretation of the word “sedative.”

Meredith Fell: Anyway Downton Abbey is on tonight, so I’m gonna split, okay?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! Everyone else in this town is a raging dick, but I brought you a bottle of bourbon and a friendly ear. Drink up!

Esther: Hi Bonnie! I know I’m dead and all, but I’d like you to wander out into the night and ruin everything for everybody. Okay?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie, what are-

Bonnie Bennet: “Make this hot vampire cry, by making his brain pan fry!”

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Bonnie! I really didn’t expect you to-

Bonnie Bennet: Super wiccan force feeding the history teacher my blood powers activate!

Alaric Saltzman: -turn me into a vampire tonight.

The Plot: Thickens.

I’m still not feeling fantastic, so this will be brief again.

This whole episode had a very Season One feeling to it. On the one hand, I’m sure they producers are kind of terrified at the recent drop in ratings, and I imagine they’re eager to put some of that lightning back in the bottle. On the other hand, it feels like a lot of ground was retraced tonight, and I’m worried about this getting repetitive.

I mean, we all knew Stefan and Elena would be getting back together, right? The thing is, I just can’t get excited about it. I’m not a Delena shipper (I’ll get to that in a second), it’s just that Stelena doesn’t have anything new to offer us. Elena loves Stefan, Stefan loves Elena, there’s occasional drama because Stefan eats people from time to time, wash, rinse, repeate. Delena would at least be new… this just feels recycled.

And that scene where Elena was cleaning out Alaric’s office? You know, the one where she made Alaric’s impending death totally about her? We joke about this stuff, but she really did that.

What is it with shows making their main characters horrible people? True Blood is the biggest offender, but Elena is doing her level best to dethrone Sookie as Least Sympathetic Character.

Alaric’s memorial was touching, and the slow pan across everyone’s faces was great. But why did they all stand off in the distance? I don’t think “death by magic vampire spell” is contagious.

But Damon? Damon was there until the end. He was with his friend, who was dying, instead of making moves on the girl he was hoping to see naked.

Elena doesn’t deserve him.